


Keep Your Eyes Open

by MiaBehindTheCurtains



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Alternate Universe - Idols, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Romance, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Idols, Injury, Injury Recovery, Jun-centric, M/M, Major Character Injury, Mental Health Issues, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Sasaeng Fan(s), Sickfic, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, Therapy, Wen Jun Hui | Jun-centric
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-26
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:34:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 105,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26125057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MiaBehindTheCurtains/pseuds/MiaBehindTheCurtains
Summary: Jun feels the most alive on stage. It’s where he belong, with flashing lights, songs to dance and sing to, cheering spectators, and of course, with his members. He was born to be a performer, to entertain, to astound people with his talents, and maybe to also fall in love along the way.However, a rare night of being alone for work might just show him he’s not meant to be alive only because of the stage. He’s meant to be alive because that in itself is enough reason to live.
Relationships: Wen Jun Hui | Jun/Xu Ming Hao | The8
Comments: 142
Kudos: 301





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The moon Jun has been staring at should have made him realize that fate has other plans. The sky is too perfect. The world doesn't allow perfect days without anything in exchange. He should have thought of that as he stares at the moon far too long that he doesn't realize she's sending him that message.

The moon floats at the sky, staring at the people that probably looked like little specks to her in her white, round, and proud majestic glory. Jun stares back at the moon with eyes droopier than normal, the exhaustion of a solo photoshoot to be published in China dawning on him as he sits on the passenger seat of the car.

He continues staring at the moon longer than other nights he finds himself staring at it when his eyes starts to hurt and head starts to feel dizzy from looking at his phone while feeling the motion of the car. He feels it’s oddly bigger than it’s supposed to be, and brighter too, as if it’s staring too close to the humans than it should be.

“Doesn’t the moon feel closer to us than normal?” He wonders out loud before realizing he even did.

The driver, who has driven for the group many times, laughs quietly at his observation. You can trust Jun to observe things and tell them about you with quirky innocence, almost as if he’s suspicious of the moon’s intentions because it’s closer to Earth more than normal.

“I’ve long forgotten the time I studied about the moon, kid but it’s quite beautiful, isn’t it?” The driver replies, stealing a glance at the moon before returning his eyes on the road.

Jun hums in reply, his fingers tapping where the camera icon should be on his phone before he even thinks about how the night sky would look in a photo. Normally, it would be Minghao or Mingyu who could think about how a particular sight is worthy for a photo. He takes only two pictures at the night sky, focusing on the captivating sight of the moon. He’s not like Minghao or Mingyu who would take several photos before deciding which is best to share on Weverse or just save it in their gallery for safekeeping.

However, he doesn’t proceed using his phone once again. Instead, he continues looking at the sky, simply enjoying the fact he has a front seat on watching the moon. It does weird him out though, how the moon seems so large and yet not even a single star can be caught by his eyes. The night sky would look even more beautiful with stars, yet he tells himself the moon is grander enough tonight to make the evening beautiful…even mysterious.

A soft bell of notification which makes him look at his phone, a smile breaking out on his face. It was Minghao asking him what Chinese food he wanted for dinner without additional comments. Just about dinner. His smile grows a slightly larger, knowing well Minghao could have eaten dinner earlier with the others. “Something spicy for me,” he replies.

The car ride continued with a comfortable silence between Jun and the driver. Jun continues looking at the moon with his trademarked droopy eyes, which is droopier than normal, considering how late it is in the evening.

A deafening beep of a horn suddenly bursts from outside, yanking Jun out of his reverie. A car in front of them blinds Jun’s eyes and as his eyes squint by instinct to see clearer, the car he is in swerves to the left to avoid collision with the car in front of them. His body follows the direction of the car in its own accord, the side of his head bumping the window beside him and unknowingly dropping the phone on the rug. All he could hear is the consecutive loud horns of both cars which tampered the sound of the wheels hastily changing its direction upon command.

Suddenly he hears two separate crashes before he realizes what caused them. It was a crash against the front of his car with a tree the car collided with to avoid the car that was supposed to be in front of them. Instead, the other car crashes with the right backside of their car’s trunk. Jun feels the receiving end of the car from his position on the left passenger seat. His chest vibrates from the impact and the back of his head knocks against the window which was cracked upon collision after collision.

Thick red liquid trickles by the side of his head, his eyes start to close, head absorbs the impact of the hit and begins to spin, and his mind fades into nothingness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 1, check! Please look forward to what I have in store for this story.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Minghao shouldn't be so worried. The schedule of an idol is hectic and tight, and emergency can make all those matters worse. Which is why accidentally breaking Jun's favorite bowl while waiting for him to come home shouldn't set him off like how he is feeling now.

It’s the fourth growl of his stomach that forces Minghao out of his bed, feeling both curious and annoyed on what’s taking his only fellow Chinese member so long to reach home. A reason why he thought of eating dinner with Jun is he feels a little bad that while others are finally getting a short amount of rest they deserve after their latest Japanese comeback, Jun was tasked to do a photoshoot for a Chinese magazine. Besides, it’s been a while since the last time he had a conversation with someone using his first language. It’s therapeutic for Minghao to be able to communicate in Chinese with somebody he’s truly close with, and that’s Jun for him. 

But seriously, what is taking him so long? If Minghao remembers correctly, Jun left the house after a quick goodbye to the members 2:00 PM. It’s already…he looks at the digital clock by his nighstand, 9:00 PM. Did everything run smooth in the photoshoot? Jun rambled last night about the location that wasn’t drastically far from their dormitory, so what is taking him so long? He’s getting hungry. Thank goodness he isn’t like Seungkwan, Mingyu or Chan that gets pouty and slightly annoyed when hungry. But then again, Minghao isn’t known for a having a huge appetite. 

He grabs his phone and places the book he was reading on the nightstand and heads downstairs where the kitchen and dining area is. He rushes downstairs with his eyes and fingers on the phone, sending Jun a text that consists of a direct, _“what’s taking you so long?”_

As his feet lands on the cold tiles, he finds the delivered food on the marble counter top safely tucked inside the plastic bag. _Should I just eat without him?_ He asks himself, knowing Jun wouldn’t feel that sad when he finds out he wasn’t able to wait out for him. He quickly sets the thought aside and proceeds to place back the clean dishes in the cupboards and drawers that were probably used and washed by the others who ate hours ago. 

He uncontrollably smiles as he holds the bowl that was purchased by Jun online. It’s a bright red porcelain bowl with white polka dots that became Jun’s favorite and only bowl for two weeks, until just two week ago when he was too tired to protest that Dokyeom was using his bowl because they just got back from rehearsals. 

Suddenly, and unexpectedly coming from him, his hands seem to have gone unusually sloppy and clumsy as he opens the cupboard with one hand and carries the bowl with the other at the same second. The door of the cupboard clashes with bowl and instead of taking a step backwards like a coordinated person like him would do, his left hand releases its grip on the left bowl and sends it crashing on the kitchen floor. 

It takes Minghao five seconds on staring blankly at the countless shattered pieces before he realizes what happened. The whole floor stays quiet after the loud crash of the tableware when a quiet hum makes him slowly shift his head to the left. It’s Joshua, humming a song he doesn’t know, who walks in front of him from stairs and stops dead in his tracks when he sees the scene before him. 

“What happened?” His older brother asks in a soothing voice and yet a slightly surprised look. Both of them knows Minghao isn’t prone to breaking things, they have Mingyu for that. 

“I don’t know,” Minghao asks, slowly coming back to his senses. He instinctively reaches down when Joshua closes the distance between them and grabs a broom and a dustpan instead. 

“As you know, it’s not advisable to grab that by the hand,” Joshua tells him in a teasing manner. It’s been a while since he witnessed a clumsy The8. He hands him the cleaning equipment and watches his younger brother clean the mess he made. 

It takes a few more seconds of watching Minghao for him to realize it’s Jun’s favorite bowl. And why does he know that? It’s because the other night Jun made a soup and fed him from that bowl, proceeding to tell Shua he’s special because he allowed him to taste food coming from his favorite bowl. 

“Isn’t that Jun’s favorite bowl?” he asks. Minghao’s silence is the confirmation he needs before he releases a small laugh. He lays a hand on his shoulder and proceeds to pat it a few times. “That’s okay, just buy him the same bowl from where he bought it.” 

“Hyung, he’s gonna get really pouty and whiny,” Minghao grumbles, finished with cleaning up the evidence of his mistake. “ _Aigoo,_ maybe it’s the hunger. I was waiting for him for dinner and he’s not home yet.” 

Shua laughs again. “You should eat and just save some for him. The photoshoot probably didn’t start early, no photoshoot ever does.” With a final pat on the back, Shua heads to the fridge to eat something. It’s not advisable to do that, especially when you need to watch out for your weight, but their comeback has just finished so Shua deserves this leftover pizza Dokyeom left for him. 

Minghao releases a sigh from deep within. Why the hell is he acting like this? Jun will be sulking at him for days because of that bowl. _I’ve been spending too much time with Mingyu,_ he concludes with a grumble as he suddenly feels a little thirsty. He sits back on the dining chair with a glass of lukewarm water in his hand, eyes on his phone. Seriously, what is taking him so long? It’s a solo photo shoot, Jun left in the afternoon therefore he should be able to reach home a little while after dinner. Unless there’s been an emergency? _Like what?_ He asks himself, slightly aware he’s growing unreasonably restless by now. 

Jun was probably on his way home when he texted him about dinner, because he knows the older enough to think Jun would tell him to not wait out for him if the photo shoot hasn’t finished yet, or he’s stuck in traffic. But no, the older told him he wants something spicy, which means he’s probably in a great mood right now and he wants to eat something spicy and hot to match that emotion. 

He knows Jun more than Jun probably knows himself. 

When he realizes his right feet is bouncing under the table like he’s waiting impatiently for something, _he is_ , he finally gives in. His fingertips hover above the screen, Minghao contemplating whether he should text again or just call already. He chose the latter. 

“Hey,” he greets in a rush. He can't even get mad or voice out his irritation. “Are you heading home?” 

“Hello, this is an emergency medical responder of Seoul University National Hospital. It is unfortunate to inform you that the owner of this phone has been in a car collision accident. We found his phone inside the car he was in. We are on our way to the emergency wing of the hospital, we strongly recommend you to head there for the patient if you are able.” 

His eyes grow wide and blank as the fingers pressing the phone against his ear becomes increasingly week. 

“Hello, is anyone there? I repeat, the owner of this phone has been in a car collision accident. If you-“

His ears seems to stop functioning as he bolts out of the chair, his left hand hitting the glass of water on the table. The glass falls to the ground with an ear-piercing crash and it’s what brings him back on earth. 

“I’m sorry, the owner of this phone?” he barely gets the Korean words out of his mouth. “A-Are you sure? You must be mistaken, there is no wa-“

“We got the emergency call from a passerby in the road where the accident happened. When we got there to take the patients, we retrieved any belongings we easily found. We were able to get the phone because it was safe on the floor…”

“Seo Myungho, this is the second time you broke something,” Joshua stands by the staircase with a laughing Dokyeom because he didn’t know their Myungho can be clumsy. “Are you okay, what’s going on?” 

Shua walks closer to him when he notices his pale face. “Hey, what’s wrong?” 

“Hyung…”

“Is that Jun you’re talking to?” 

“Jun hyung…” Minghao breathes out. “He…Jun hyung.” 

Joshua’s expression turns serious as his eyes sharpens with worry. “What is it? Did something bad happen at the photo shoot?” 

“He got into an accident,” is all he can whisper. 

“What?” Dokyeom is the first one to respond among his two brothers in front of him. “What accident?” He yelps, an incredulous look on his face that Minghao would probably giggle at if only he doesn’t feel like he’s living in a dream right now. A nightmare. 

Joshua steals the phone in his hand and presses it against his ear. “Jun, what’s going on? Did something happen?” 

Mighao watches his older brother fall silent as he listens to the other line, Shua’s worried expression slowly morphing into shock. Dokyeom looks at the oldest among the three of them with a growing worried expression. 

“We’ll be there immediately,” Joshua responds and ends the call, his expression a combination of shock and fear. His often gentle eyes look at them with an increasing sharpness that weighs heavily on Minghao's chest. The look on his face only confirms he wasn't hearing things or getting his Korean wrong he heard the person on the other end. What is happening is real, the truth, and he doesn't know what to do. 

“Let’s go to the hospital where they’re taking Jun right now. I’ll call a taxi and tell our manager about this. Dokyeom-ah, tell others in the group chat right now about the emergency but tell them it would be best only Seungcheol can go.” Joshua’s words seem to fly past Minghao’s ears as all he could feel right now is the dread settling onto his stomach. 

_No…it can’t be._

“Myungho. Myungho, listen to me.” Shua’s hands gripped his shoulders with a shake, forcing him to look at the elder in his eyes. “We don’t know yet how serious it is. Let’s not think about anything other than getting to the hospital okay?” 

Smiles and cheers set aside from Dokyeom’s face, he holds Minghao’s elbow to get his attention. “Let’s get to the hospital first, okay? Jun hyung will be okay, okay? He’ll be okay.” However, Minghao doesn’t miss the shakiness in his voice, as if he’s trying convince himself, not Minghao. 

He walks Minghao to the door of their dormitory, with Joshua running upstairs floor to inform the other members about the accident. Although Minghao wants to scream his frustration out, that they need to go, they can't waste anymore time because Jun needs them, he simply falls mute. He barely has the energy to stand on his own, judging by how Dokyeom wraps an arm around his shoulders, waiting for Joshua to come back. He’s the oldest in the dorm, with Seungcheol and Jeonghan living in another building a few block from their dorm with the other members. 

The members Woozi, Seungkwan, Vernon, and Dino will be remaining in their dorm. Although they all should be at the hospital with an emergency this big and scary, their careers hinder them from heading to the hospital immediately like how normal concerned friends would do. They will attract too much people, and before they know it, the fans would be creating their own theories why they are in the hospital and Dispatch would send out reporters stealing a couple glances why the hell SEVENTEEN is in a hospital – in the emergency section at that. 

“Hey, your shaking,” Dokyeom gently whisper, his arm wrapped around his shoulder coming down his back to rub it for comfort. “Calm down, okay? We’ll get to the hospital soon.” 

Joshua comes back with Woozi, Seungkwan, Vernon, and Dino in tow, all looking worried and shocked with Seungkwan and Dino holding each other by instinct for comfort. 

“The taxi’s outside, let’s go,” Joshua rushes and leaves the dormitory, leaving the rest of the members in silence. 

Seungkwan tightens his hold on Dino, the realization slowly dawning upon him like the gentle fall of a blizzard from the sky. It’s only been a couple of weeks since he fully recovered from his injury, which is why he takes it upon himself to take extra care of his feet, dreading the possibility of a third injury on one of his feet. Now, Jun is in the hospital. And it’s not even because of a case idols are familiar with such as a leg or arm injury, nor is it like the gastritis Wonwoo had experienced from before. No, it’s because of a car crash. 

And even if idols have learned to take on unforeseen incidents such as fainting on the stage, breaking their extremities, needing the help of an oxygen to breathe backstage of a concert, in a calm and calculated manner, there are still accidents which idols would not even dream of slightly having a brush with. And yet, Jun didn’t even slightly touch the possibility of getting into an accident. It’s as if fate pulled his strings and dumped him to the center of the stage. Never has Seungkwan hated the thought of taking the center stage as he does now. 

In the taxi, Joshua eyes Minghao and occasionally Dokyeom who are both sitting on the backseat of the car. Minghao’s eyes, blank and hazy with the reality barely registering in his mind, are set out to the clear, evening sky. Dokyeom is typing on his phone, probably in their group chat right now. 

“Hyung,” Dokyeom’s hushed voice snaps Joshua from his thoughts dwindling to the deep, endless abyss of dread and worry. His eyes look at him with tears threatening to fall, as if this bad nightmare is growing to become worse than it is now. He gives him his phone with shivering hands, which Joshua immediately takes. It’s their group chat that he wants to show him. 

_A few minutes after you called the accident was already on the news_

_I'm heading to the hospital with our manager. Let's all calm down first. I'm talking to the manager to see what we should do after this._

_how is jun hyung?_

_the cars collided with each other they showed it on tv_

_we'll be going to your dorm first, dokyeom-ah. we'll wait for the updates together_

Joshua sucks in a deep, shaky breath as he reads the messages without bothering which member typed the sentences he never thought of reading. His heart feels like it would give out any moment. The taxi driver eyes at them, gaining an inkling of the context between the two young men. 

“Please drive faster, it’s an emergency,” Joshua drags out the words, voice stuck in his throat and chest heavy with fear. 

“What…what happened?” Minghao’s voice causes Dokyeom to jump in his seat, leaning back against the backseat to look at him. Seeing Dokyeom’s face filled with dread and the tears pooling in his eyes tells him he won’t be getting any explanation. He steals the cellphone in his hand and upon reading what is on the screen, he feels his fingers around the device grow weak once again. 

Shaky breaths cause his chest to heave and this immediately sends the man beside him into alert mode. An arm is once again wrapped around his shoulder for comfort, yet the gesture does little to alleviate the physical pain in his chest. He doesn’t bother saying anything, just turns his head to the window where he is confronted with a marvelous sight of the moon in the sky. 

He looks at the moon that seems to be so close to him that if he could be at the rooftop of their dorm right now he would imagine touching it. Tears start to form his eyes yet the shock seems to be pulling it back to his eyes, as if his whole being cannot understand what is going on. His gaze on the moon doesn’t waver, and as tears in his start to grow heavy that they finally start to fall, he finds himself begging at the moon. _Please let him be okay. Please._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Waaah! I finally got to write and post Chapter 2. I've been a little busy because of online classes, unfortunately I'll be busier in the future. But I'll always find time for this story. So much is about to happen, no one will expect the future chapters. Please look forward to it!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Upon closing his eyes, Jun unknowingly ventures into the past and to the night of the accident with no idea it would lead him right back to the present with the help of a mysterious but friendly woman whose words he might have to live by.

Jun walks on the cold hard tiles, yet his feet seems to be walking on air. There is a gentle breeze around him that feels like it is guiding him to where he is heading. It gently pushes him, yet there is warmth in his chest that encourages him to walk forward. He walks comfortably through the hallway, as if he knows where he is going. He doesn’t. 

Posters framed with glass are put on the white walls as he walks further into the hallway. His speed slows down as he eyes a group of men on a poster. Something whispers to him that there is something about these men. He starts to feel uncomfortable looking into their eyes, like he knows something about them yet he couldn’t quite put his finger on it. He reads the word in capital letters below, “NU’EST”. 

He looks at the poster, guessing these people might be well-known. Celebrities, maybe? Either singers or dancers, or both. The comfort and warmth he has been wrapped around earlier is shredded off by cold uneasiness. Something about the words ‘singers’ or ‘dancers’ creates a hollow space in his chest, but he couldn’t identify the reason why. The tugging feeling in his head worsens. 

A large space that is next to the poster makes Jun’s eyebrows furrow and his head shift inquisitively. It is apparent the space is meant for another poster to be hung up in the future. The plain white wall looks like a canvas waiting to be painted on, and Jun’s hand raises before he realizes it. His fingertips touch the wall gently. He wonders what if his fingertips could start painting the poster that is meant to fill up the wall. 

“JUN HYUNG!” There comes a shout coming from behind him. Jun spins around, confusion growing in his head. He realizes he is supposed to be here, yet the reason for being here seems to be far away from his brain which he is forcing to come up with answers. A boy significantly younger than him stands before him with eyes wide with innocence and wonder. He strikes Jun a bright smile and lets out a giggle. “You’re just in time for class, hyung! How are you? You don’t feel sick anymore?” 

“Dino-ya, who is that? Is that Jun?” another voice that seems to belong to a male comes from inside the room with less excitement and more authoritativeness. 

“Yes!” Dino, the smiley boy, answers. Jun continues looking at the kid, feeling warmth in his chest ignite. He knows Jun, does this mean he is close to this boy? Dino suddenly grabs his hand and tugs him inside the room where he is met with lots of boys who are looking at him. 

“Junnie, you don’t have fever anymore?” A boy asks with a worried tone, walking towards him and pressing his warm palm on his forehead. The first thing Jun notices due to their closeness is the boy’s long and thick eyelashes that drapes over his brown eyes that have worry swimming in them. “You feel okay now?”

“Y-Yeah, I’m okay now…I guess,” Jun rushes out his words as another boy with long hair stands next to the boy who still has the palm of his hand pressed on his forehead. The feeling of being more overwhelmed heats up the warmth Jun has been feeling a while ago in an unpleasant manner. The closeness, intimacy, and concern coming from them pricks his skin. Do you they always treat him like this? The unfamiliarity of everything around him rushes through Jun like frantic waves leading up to the shore. 

”You think you can practice choreography with us now? We’ll then be having vocal lessons later,” the boy with long hair gently asks, his hand fussing over his hair and combing it gently with his fingers. The two boys adds distance from him with comforting smiles. 

“We’re just learning a new choreography today, so you’re really lucky,” the long haired boy informs him with a smile that makes him feel like an angel is talking to him. The brief welcome ends with comforting hugs and pats coming from other boys whose names he doesn’t know. All of a sudden, he is in a position for apparently a new choreography. His mind tells him he should to be asking who are they, why is he here, and why does his mind feel so empty, but something wills him to simply go with the flow, observe his surroundings and stay with these people. 

“Are you sure you’re okay?” The question whispered in Chinese makes Jun raise his head with an incredulous look. “You seem to be more quiet than usual.” The boy looks at him with a piercing stare, almost suspicious of his presence. He gulps down the anxiety threatening to rise from his throat, feeling that the boy could see right through him. 

“Today is just tiring, that’s all,” he answers with the most honesty he could say. He wants to look away from the boy’s eyes, yet he continues staring into them because of the inability to look away. He is close to this person, he can feel it. He knows this person on a personal level. He has already surmised earlier that he is close to everybody in this room, but he feels it’s different with the boy who continues to look at him worriedly. He imagines his relationship runs deeper with him than what he knows. But he feels it, it’s special. 

“If you want to say something, you should tell me,” the boy says, handing him a bottle of water and a face towel. They’ve just finished practicing the dance of the beginning of the song, which is why everybody is taking a break and doing their own thing. “Don’t push yourself too much today, Hoshi hyung understands you just had fever.” 

_Fever? He had fever?_ An unsettling feeling simmers inside Jun’s stomach. Why does it feel he had more than a fever? 

“I’m fine,” Jun forces himself to look at the boy with a hopefully convincing smile. He doesn’t like lying to him. For some reason, being dishonest with him makes him feel uneasy. “Maybe it’s because I haven’t seen you guys for a few days,” Jun laughs awkwardly and uses the hand towel to wipe off the sweat from his face, but mostly to not look into his eyes as he formulates a lie. 

“What are you talking about? You just had a checkup today, we live in the same dorm,” the boy answers. 

The hand wiping his face with the towel freezes. Dammit. He hasn’t thought it through, forgetting the most important fact which is he knows nothing about what is happening right now, and what has happened yesterday or the day before that. So much for lying. Jun drops his hand that is holding the towel to uncover his face and tries to formulate an excuse when the boy in front of him is gone. So are the others. And so is the entire room. 

The building he entered a while ago has vanished. He is now looking at two cars that collided with each other. The hood of the white car is against the tree, the top of the vehicle slightly crushed from the impact. By its backside is another car in black that is crashed against it. The white car must have turned left to avoid it, hence crashing into the tree instead. But what made the black car crash against it? If he is to avoid the car, the driver was supposed to turn right. If he would crash at something, it shouldn’t be the white car because it has already turned left to avoid it. Hence, crashing against the tree. 

Yellow tapes surrounds the area of the accident with policemen investigating the scene. A mass of people growing in size surveys the scene with displeased and worried looks. The full moon appears to be incredibly close to the ground, as if it also wants to know what happened. There are no stars in the sky, just the moon alone, enough to distract Jun for a millisecond from the sight before him. Shivers run through his spine as he turns back to study what is happening. He strains his eyes to look for the people that were supposed to be inside the cars but he finds nobody. Maybe they were already taken to the hospital. 

He scans the area, trying to make sense of the sudden change in the present. Everything looks real. Feels real, too. The light wind brushes his skin and softly makes his stray hairs sway. The slightly muddy ground is solid and soils the soles of his shoes. There is the continuous murmur coming from the crowd that is a little bit distant from the accident. The red light coming from the police car continues to blink and whirl. The moon, majestic and full, sits at the sky with a front row seat to the chaos of the night. 

“You shouldn’t be here.” 

The Chinese words steal Jun’s attention from the accident before him. An elderly woman stands beside Jun, raising her head to look at him due to her small height and her hands clasping each other by her front. She smiles at him that reminds that of a grandmother’s but he can’t bring it to himself to feel the slightest bit of comfort. 

“You should be at the hospital right now. Your friends are worried for you, especially the other boy,” the woman continues. 

“What are you talking about? And how did you know I speak Chinese?” It’s a miracle Jun can converse with somebody right now. Everything around him are scattered puzzle pieces that he can’t grasp and piece together. The picture he is supposed to form feels far from his reach and so blurry in his mind. 

“Your soul was in a bit of a shock, that’s why you got little bit lost in time. It wasn’t ready for what happened, therefore you went through a different point in your life that happened in the past. However, it’s possible that those weren’t exact memories of your past. After all, you weren’t meant to be there.” The answer of the woman is delivered in a manner you would hear a high school teaching explaining to her students the process of the big bang theory before it ended with the universe we know today. 

“Accident? What are you saying an acci-“ his voice dies out before he is able to finish his sentence. “I’m the one who got into this accident,” he whispers as he stares at the view before him. The reality comes crashing down on him as he realizes he’s staring at the scene where he got hurt. His hands start to shake and he unconsciously takes a step back. 

_No…is it time? Is this the end?_

“Why do you look like that?” the elder woman peers into his eyes incredulously. “Hey, you won’t die yet! Calm down, it’s not your time yet! Like I said, your soul in shock. It’s starting to find its way back to your body, which is why you’re here in the accident because your soul realizes it all started from here. Goodness gracious calm down, you’re not dead …at least from what she told me.” 

“Who told you?”’ Jun asks. His mind is spinning and the information after information being told to him without any pause is starting to suffocate him. He wants to run away from the present, but reality grounds his feet to the murky soil in the form of chains. It’s too much. He wants to go home but he doesn’t know where home is, nor does he remember anything. 

“The Moon!” The woman answers cheerfully. “You were talking to her before the accident happened, which is why she sent me here to make it easier for you to go back to your body!” 

“The moon?” Jun repeats. “The moon told you? And sent you?” 

Maybe Jun shouldn’t believe everything this woman is telling her. But considering the fact his mind feels like the plain white wall he saw at the building earlier and everybody who apparently were his friends vanished before him, he would take any explanation he could to rationalize this phenomenon. He doesn’t even have a distant memory of the people he was dancing with earlier, let alone a memory of him having a conversation with the moon, of all things he could be having a conversation with.

“Yes! You were talking to her…even if you didn’t realize it. During the accident, your soul escaped your body because it knew it wasn’t your time to die yet. However, it didn’t know where to go, so your soul went back to what is knows best – the past. It’s all it remembers. But your soul wasn’t meant to go back in time, which is why you don’t remember anything right now.” 

“But don’t worry,” the woman continues with no tinge of fear or alarm in her voice. “You’ll remember everything eventually. Your soul is starting to find its way back, but for many people whose souls wander, it might take a while. However, since the Moon has taken a liking to you, she sent me to guide you back to your body.” She smiles at him as if she’s only explaining a historical spot to a tourist. She looks at the two cars in front of them, cheerful smile turning a little more melancholic. 

“This is all shocking to you, I’m aware,” she says with a wistful look, her eyes appearing to be distant. It makes Jun think she’s remembering a memory of the past. “But life is never predictable. The Moon might look upon us, but even she can’t be certain of our lives.” 

She looks back at Jun with gentle eyes, yet Jun sees them reflecting many stories, probably stories that don’t all belong to her. “So, would you trust me to lead you back to where you are meant to be?” 

  
  


That commences their walk away from the accident and to the busy streets of Seoul. They pass by people who can’t see them and it makes the truth a lot harder to swallow for Jun. It’s like a dream, yet he can’t even remember what sleep feels like. His feet seems to be walking on air once again, but there is no gentle breeze that is guiding him with comfort. It’s only him and the old woman…whose name he still doesn’t know. 

“May I ask you what your name is?” he slowly asks, uncertain if someone like her has a name. 

A glint sparkles in her eyes. “Why of course. You may call me Mama Viva.” 

The name reminds Jun that the woman beside her is old, her graying hair an adequate indication. But the age is barely in Jun’s mind. Although her age is noticeable with the hair, the wrinkles, and the slow pace they’re taking, her energy outshines it all. He wants to ask her what she is. She’s not a grim reaper, that’s for sure, telling him from the start it’s not his time yet. But something above causes Jun to stop forming a sentence. 

A huge signboard hung up on the skyscraper calls out his name, the word ‘SEVENTEEN’ shining through the neon violet lights. His breath is taken away as he looks at the boys he was practicing with earlier, all grown up and even more handsome. He chokes on air when he sees himself, smiling brightly with his arm wrapped around somebody’s shoulders. _It’s him._ He unconsciously takes a step backward, afraid of the humongous picture hung from the building. It’s the boy who could see through him, who knew something was wrong, who told him he can always tell him anything. 

“Ah, that’s you and your friends!” Mama Viva exclaims. “So handsome! You are all very talented as well!” 

“This means I-I’m famous,” Jun concludes breathily, still enamored by the sight. “I’m a…celebrity?” 

“An idol? That’s the word I think,” Mama Viva says. “It’s what all kids these days are crazy about, you know. See, that’s you and the people you saw from the past. You grew up together!” 

He stares at the signboard with so much intensity, he might be able to burn holes through them. He stares at every single face until his eyes land on him and his arm that is wrapped around the boy’s shoulders. He hopes looking at his smile might flash him memories of his life, and yet…“I can’t remember anything, though.” The frustration is easy to catch in the tone of his voice. “Does this mean when I wake up I won’t be remembering anything as well?” 

Mama Viva’s happiness slowly fades, but her comforting hand rests on his arm. “We can’t say for sure, my child. You will only find out once you get back to your body.” 

They resume walking but all is on his mind is the huge signboard that apparently is his life. A life that he has no memories of. “What’s gonna happen if I don’t remember anything when I wake up?” Jun whispers, not to her nor even to himself. It’s a query directed to the world, yet he knows he won’t be receiving an answer. 

“You try to remember,” she quips. “Then again, kid, the reason why you don’t remember anything right now is because your soul went back in time. Normally, it would take a while for people find their body. During that journey, they regain their memories slowly which is what enables them to find their body. However, I was sent to bring you back, which is why you aren’t given time to regain those memories. And let’s say you won’t be able to remember, you still have those other children you grew up with to make new memories. You have a life, child. It may not seem like a life worth living, but it’s yours. Therefore you are the one in power to make the most of it. Remember that you are alive, and all else follows.” 

Jun’s face doesn’t appear he is the slightest bit convinced. The old woman stops lightly and pouts, hands on her hips. “Oh, would you quit sulking! Not everybody gets the privilege to be escorted by me to. Like I said, other people take a long time before they are able to come back to their bodies. You weren’t even lost for one day. Stop sulking and continue walking, okay? Here, have a gum.” 

He stares at her incredulously, head shifted to the right. “Am I not supposed to be able to eat? Because I’m a soul?” 

Mama Viva blinks a few times before realization dawns upon her. “Oh, that’s right! Silly me!” The giggles that erupts from her once again makes Jun question his mental state. He’s probably dreaming. Then again, the feeling of fear settling in the pit of his stomach whenever he remembers the car accident is incredibly real, he can’t deny the truth around him. “Oh well, you can have this gum when you wake up.” Without a warning, she slips the single piece of gum in the pocket of his jeans. 

Thirty minutes pass and her slow pace is brought to a halt. They stop in front of a hospital. Suddenly, everything feels more real to Jun, he could taste it. He can finally get answers. “This is your destination, my child. I can only go from here.” 

Jun looks at the hospital, the unsettling feeling rising once again for the nth time. Chills run down his spine. He doesn’t know what to expect. He doesn’t know if he could be able to take what he would see when he finds his body. But there is an energy that is calling out for him from inside. It’s weak and incomplete, almost as if it’s lacking something for it to be felt, but it is there. And it’s calling for him. 

“Remember what I said, child. Remember that you are alive, and all else follows.” 

Mama Viva looks at her with a proud gleam in her eyes that could be compared to grandmother seeing her grandson get married. “Go on now, everybody is waiting for you. They need you, especially that boy.” 

Jun bites his lip to keep himself from asking who she is pertaining to. Deep inside, he knows all he needs is confirmation, not an answer for something he doesn’t know about. However, he can’t be thinking about that right now, not when he’s probably dying in the hospital. “Thank you for guiding me. And please thank the moon for me.” 

The old woman laughs out loud, crinkles by the side of her eyes that reminds Jun of a life that is well-lived. “Oh, you can thank the Moon anytime, child. She’s listening, always.” 

He takes a few steps forward, aware of his supposed guardian looking at him. He then realizes he forgot something important. He turns around. “Mama Viva, what are you?” 

A look of surprise bursts in her face, once again releasing a carefree laugh. She then shakes her head. “I’m afraid I can’t tell you that, child. Like I said, it’s not your time yet. You will only know what I am when you are to head to the afterlife. Focus on the present, child. You have a long way to go before you find out what I am. Now go on, walk away and don’t look back. Remember what I told you. ” 

Jun smiles, but it’s not the megawatt smile he doesn’t know he is capable of. The smile his members and his fans adore. After all, he has no memories yet. Instead, it’s the smile of somebody who has been through difficulty, yet is determined to try and live life. “I will. Thank you.” He waves his hand goodbye and enters the hospital. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! This chapter was written two days ago and I had no idea it would be leading to this. The original plan was to get to the "plot twist" but I knew deep inside it would be to early for that, so I simply allowed to let my imagination write the story for me. I really liked how this turned out and I hope so do you. Btw, the next chapter has been written as well! Just a little more proofreading before I publish it. Thank you for all the support once again.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some say the aftermath is harder to deal with than the actual event. For Minghao, the aftermath feels like being plunged into a nightmare that would never seem to end.

Minghao doesn’t know how much longer he could wait. Every minute that passes feels it stretches on for hours, bringing him to a kind of despair he has never felt before. His eyes tear away from the wall clock to the large doors of the emergency section of the hospital. He stares at it, in hopes the doctor would feel the intensity of his gaze and do everything he can to save Jun. 

A hour and a half has passed and no doctor or nurse has come from inside to tell them of what happened. Dokyeom sits next to him, eyes threatening to produce more tears any minute. His hand grasps his, both of them desperately feeding off of each other’s energy to not feel so hopeless. The knuckles of his fingers feel like they are begging for a crack, but he doesn’t pull away from Dokyeom’s hand, afraid that the minute he does so is also the minute he falls apart along with the boy beside him. Next to Dokyeom is Joshua sitting beside Seungcheol. Minghao should probably take into consideration what the two of the eldest members are feeling right now, but he can’t bear to put himself in somebody else’s shoes. He’s enough of a mess as it is. 

Their manager, on the other hand, has been standing for the past ten minutes. He’s restless, muttering things under his breath that Minghao doesn’t want to think about. The manager pulls out his phone from the pocket of his coat for the nth time, probably talking to somebody in the company about the statement Pledis would be releasing anytime now. 

It ignites anger in Minghao’s chest, knowing these people care more about announcement releases and the feedback of the public. One of them is in a hospital for goodness sake, because of a car accident. 

“Excuse me.” Everybody’s head lifted to hear the doctor speak up, only it isn’t a doctor. Two policemen approach them with a calculated expression that irks Minghao. It disturbs him, how calm they are while he and the members are all puddling messes waiting for an answer. 

“We’re the policemen assigned to investigate the car accident,” one man slightly taller than his colleague who stands a few steps behind him introduces himself. He and the members stand up, slight bows coming from them. 

“We checked the CCTV of the two way street from the perspective of both cars. The white car belongs to your friend and the driver that works for your company.“ The policeman pauses to look at us for verification. The manager and the rest nods, but Minghao remains frozen. “And the black car belongs to a man who your driver collided with.” 

“We checked all the footages and discovered the black car turned to the wrong lane. The wrong lane was taken correctly by your driver but the black car immediately switched lanes. It also didn’t help that the road wasn’t wide enough for them to avoid collision. To avoid the black car, your driver switched to the left which was how he crashed into the tree. What was shocking was instead of the black car avoiding your car like we expected him to, he crashed into it instead.” 

"This not normal for a driver who is in a normal state of mind." The policeman a few steps behind the man who has been talking earlier speaks up. "No one would switch lanes so suddenly, especially when the road isn't so wide. That's the reason why they collided with each other even when your driver avoided the black car. The road isn't a highway, it's only a shortcut commonly used by drivers familiar with the area."

The man paused suddenly, looking at his colleague and appearing to be having a silent conversation with him. His colleague nods. "We have already talked with the family of your driver. The man behind the wheel of the black car on the other hand doesn't have his family yet to be waiting for him. We hope to meet his family as soon as possible, because we have a feeling he wasn't in the right state of mind when he was driving." 

"Not in the right state of mind?" Seungcheol repeats, his voice low but firm. "What are you implying, sir?" 

Minghao's mind starts to whirl and a lump slowly forms in his throat. Dokyeom beside him clutches his hands with Minghao and Joshua. But he couldn't bring himself to grasp back. 

"What we're trying to say is that the driver may have done things to make him drive like that," the man explains in front of them gently. "We still don't know yet, but it's possible he could be under the heavy influence of alcohol. Or maybe he could have been texting while driving. These are just some of the reasons we could think of that made him drive so recklessly. Once again, we don't have answers from the doctors yet. But we'll be sure to contact you immediately once we are able to talk to the doctors and meet with the offender."

 _Oh my God._ Why did it have to be Jun and their staff who had to cross paths with somebody so reckless, ignorant, and _evil._

Minghao finally grasps Dokyeom's hand in a tight hold, but only because he is forming his hands into fists. His left free hand tightens into a fist, knuckles turning white. It's unfair. So damn unfair. Jun deserves nothing of this. Their staff deserves nothing of this. Both just wanted to come home for goodness sake. Jun just wanted to eat dinner. God, he must have been so hungry. 

He likes to proceed on using his phone immediately once the work is done, doing what heaven knows on his phone. But he could be on his phone for hours without saying a word right after work if nobody would call for his attention. Most of the time, he would only notice later on how hungry he is when someone brings up food in a conversation. And more often than not, he would opt for something spicy if he had the privilege to select the food. But most of them would remind him how eating something incredibly spicy shouldn't be done regularly. He also doesn't get hangry, but he finds himself often wanting to munch on something after work ends that obviously won’t fill up his stomach. He was supposed to be sleeping in their dorm now, at peace with his eyes slightly open. He was supposed to be okay with them. But the world had other plans.

Minghao’s chest feels like it has been stabbed a hundred times, all the while watching at the video that shows the scene of the accident. He flinches as he watches crash after crash, first with the tree and then the black car. Beside him is Dokyeom who finally couldn’t take it anymore. His knees weaken between he and Joshua, dropping himself at the chair they were sitting on earlier. Cries slowly creep up from him with Joshua laying a hand on his shoulder and sitting beside him. 

As for him, he merely continues to stand up. Reality feels so far away from him, but that’s always how truth works. It’s hard to grasp and accept at first, it leaves you in shock and freezes your whole body. The downfall would be worse, finally coming to accept it, but it is necessary if one wants to move forward. Minghao isn’t at that stage yet. 

He shifts his eyes on Seungcheol, who seems to be moving in a way how an AI would do. He is then reminded of his leader fighting his own battle last year, and now he would have to fight another battle again. He wonders if Seungcheol is blaming himself like how he does in the past when something bad happens to the members. 

The policemen leaves after a conversation with the manager and the leader who still appears to be moving on command. He is trying to mask his feelings, holding down the feeling anguish and hopelessness. Any day Minghao would be more than happy to call him out gently, telling him he doesn’t need to put up his walls. However, that would be hypocrite of him, knowing damn well he is also trying to be strong for their friend that is probably fighting for his life. 

He should be having his late dinner with Jun right now, enduring the heat from the spiciness of the food Jun has chosen for them. He would endure every Scoville level there is if it would erase this fragment of the present. 

“Family of Moon Junhui?” 

A doctor exits through the emergency doors and he quickly realizes the despair can get worse than it was earlier. The emotion isn’t just an emotion anymore, it creeps up to his body and through his senses. It distracts Minghao from concentrating to understand the Korean words the doctor would be telling them. He curses internally, feeling useless. 

“We’re the only family he has right now,” Seungcheol answers. Minghao winces, wishing the leader didn’t say that. But it’s the truth, they are the only family he has right now. His heart physically clenches upon the realization. _What would he tell Jun’s parents?_

All of them are standing up, eyes intensely on the doctor whose expression Minghao couldn’t fully read. There is sympathy, compassion, and another intensity he supposes could only come from someone who is meant to save lives. 

“The patient is stable.” 

The words pulled out several thorns in their hearts and Minghao couldn’t hear himself releasing a deep breath over Dokyeom’s sniffles and muffled thanks to the skies above. 

“How about the driver?” Seungcheol asks the doctor. 

“The driver is stable too. He sustained more alarming injuries because he is the driver but my colleague has a done a great job on treating him and told me the patient was fighting the whole time. We have already informed his family,” the doctor answers. 

Minghao releases another breath of relief, more weight sliding off his shoulders. They couldn’t enter the hospital like normal people earlier and wait in the waiting area just like the family of the driver. If they chose to wait there, the company wouldn’t have time to go over the incident and create a proper announcement. Instead, reporters would flock near the hospital and their fans would be immensely worried because of the sudden news. 

_Thank goodness, they’re okay,_ His shoulders loosen up but his posture is still tense. He knows they aren’t completely out of the woods yet. With the accident shown to him a while ago he knows it’s more complicated than that. 

“About Moon Junhui-ssi, he is stable but he sustained a severe concussion. I would guess he hit the side of this head really hard against the window or it’s also possible his head could have hit the window many times instead, depending on the accident. The concussion was quite severe. It also bled from I suppose from hitting the window that cracked because of the crash. That could happen if the head hit the window with great force or it happened multiple times.” The doctor stops talking to allow them to absorb the information, but Minghao couldn’t hear nor feel anything during the pregnant pause. Is he still breathing? 

“In addition to that, he has quite a low blood pressure as well. As you know, all those factors we have to take into account so we know what the best treatment for the patient is.” The doctor pauses and looks at the four of them with awareness. “I take it that these are common to people like you who are performers but of course those made it more difficult to treat him. But once again, his vital signs are now stable and he could wake up tomorrow.” 

The ground beneath Minghao’s feet feels steadier to walk on, yet his world seems to be crumbling down at the same time. Jun is stable, but he isn’t completely fine. He suffered a concussion that needed deep stitches and he probably was suffering more because of his low blood pressure. He knew Jun was looking paler than normal the past few weeks. 

“He has undergone the necessary scans for us to see if there’s more to worry about his head, but the results won’t be available until tomorrow. Afternoon, at most. We gave him the fluids his body needs to recuperate but if he would wake up tomorrow, I can’t say for certain he would be able to move and talk normally. He needs to be extremely cautious of his head. Also, he has a few gashes because of the window of the car. We treated them and they would be healing for a few weeks. As for the scar, it might take a full month to fade a bit. Of course, there are creams and cosmetic procedures that could erase those scars once completely healed.” 

“How long does he have to be at the hospital?” The words rush out of Minghao’s mouth, having no care if his Korean is barely understandable at the moment. 

“I would say a week, at the very least. But he wouldn’t be fully recovered. I would like to monitor his blood pressure, in case it might fluctuate as he recovers. We don’t want his blood pressure to decrease even more, because this could cause issues regarding his concussion. I know your job is very demanding, but I truly recommend giving Jun enough time to recover so he could be back to top shape. Two to three weeks is what I strongly recommend,” the last sentence is said with added strength for emphasis that leads to Minghao realizing the doctor knows who they are, how demanding and difficult their jobs are, and how much they would push to see if Jun could be back as early as possible. 

It’s not that they don’t care as much as they should about his health. It has all happened to the members, wherein they have to push through all kinds of sickness so they wouldn’t slow the group down. They need to listen to the needs of their bodies, but they need to listen more to what their career entails. Of course, those kinds of sickness wouldn’t match Jun’s accident. The injuries he has aren’t common cold or flu. 

When Wonwoo had gastritis, everybody felt bad for him. Jeonghan even cried. Seungkwan and Dokyeom cried too but everyone expected tears from them. Hoshi dislocated his arm on stage with how hard he executed the dance steps. Everyone was worried, but they saw how adamant the performance unit leader was to stay until the performance ends, which was why they respected his decision to stay. Seungkwan had a few experiences on foot injuries now, and each injury he felt horrible and disappointed in himself. On performances after his recovery, everyone saw the extra effort he exerted. Now, they are confronted by a problem that could probably make Seungkwan and Dokyeom cry for almost a whole week. The latter doesn’t even know the full details yet. 

Deep inside, Minghao knows he’s bound to fall apart anytime. But now, he just wants to be strong. He needs to be alert in case anything goes wrong. He steals a glimpse from Seungcheol and Joshua who is still comforting a much calmer Dokyeom. Both of them are trying to be so strong that it clenches his heart fiercely he can’t breathe without struggling. 

“I need to attend to other patients. If you have more questions, you may proceed to the reception desk and the nurses will be happy to answer you.” The doctor leaves with a nod which received bows from them in return. 

Suddenly, Seungcheol replaces the position the doctor was in. “You guys need to rest. We can’t all be at the room where Jun is. It’s a suite, but it only has a single couch. I’ll stay with Junnie.” 

“No!” Minghao realizes he screamed only a millisecond after his outburst. “I-I wanna stay. I want to stay here.” 

Seungcheol shakes his head, immediately sacrificing for the members. “You won’t feel comfortable here, Myungho-ya. And I won’t feel better letting you sleep here all by yourself.”’ 

“Then let’s sleep here together,” he reasons out. “Surely we could ask for another couch to sleep on if there’s not enough for us in his room. Hyung… Hyung, I cannot go home.” He’s shaking his head, tears prickling his eyes and voice unsteady in desperation. “There’s no way I’m gonna leave this hospital.” 

Seungcheol, the leader who needs to be stubborn for the betterment of all, shakes his head in disapproval. “Only one visitor is allowed to sleep in, Myungho-ya. I can’t do that to you.” 

He is about to say more when Joshua grasps his elbow to get his attention. The leader turns to the member of the same age and watches Joshua shake his head. “Let him stay here.” He tries to pull away in disagreement, but Joshua grips his elbow tighter. “He will be okay with Jun, you know that. He’ll take care of Junnie. It’s okay, let’s go home to tell all the members about everything and we’ll come back tomorrow early in the morning.” 

Joshua looks into Seungcheol’s eyes with hardness in his that Minghao and Dokyeom don’t see often. But it’s not the steel eyes he had back in the dorm earlier when they received the call from the paramedic. Now, the hardness in his eyes seem to be translated into words with the way their leader sets his mouth in a thin line. Minghao knows he finally gives in. 

“I’ll come back here to get you some clothes,” is all Seungcheol could muster. His eyes on Minghao glisten, but he keeps them at bay. 

“No. You don’t have to. Just come back tomorrow morning with everything Jun and I will need.” 

The leader hugs him out of the blue. It’s so sudden that the warmth around him makes Minghao cry. But the tears come out slow, not the wail one would expect from a worried and scared person. 

“You will be okay here and Jun will be okay too,” he tells the Chinese boy as he pulls away. “We will come back with everything you need, but I just need you to be alright as much as you can be. I don’t like you staying here, but I know… I know it’s only right that you stay here. I won’t stop you from that.” 

Minghao can almost see the burden growing in size on Seungcheol’s back. As a leader of the group, he has endured so much. He knows he doesn’t have to endure difficulties on his own, but he couldn’t help but feel greater pain when something in the group goes wrong. What is happening right now is making him scold himself internally. But a few moments of reflection would make him realize even if he was with Jun today, there was no way the accident wouldn’t happen. In fact, it would be him and Jun the members would cry for. But it doesn’t sit well with him to allow his dongsaeng wallow in sadness and pain as he watches over Jun. But Joshua is right… Minghao should be the one to stay. It maybe painful for everybody to know that Jun is in a really bad state, but the elders know it’s a lot more painful for Minghao at the moment. Even if he doesn’t’ know it yet. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With how busy the incoming weeks will be, I'm afraid it might take a while before I could update the next chapter. Until then, please do enjoy this chapter! 24H is out, just in case you didn't know. Let's continue supporting the boys!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The end of something is always the beginning of something else.

_It’s a little cold._

_Am I sleeping? I’m in a dream, right?_

_Nothing is happening, though. Am I in a sleep paralysis?_

_It’s getting colder._

_I feel like I’m floating._

_I can’t wake up. Maybe later I will. Much, much later._

  
  


_Cold._ That is the first concrete thought Jun is able to formulate in his head as soon as he is able to wake up from his deep sleep. He doesn’t immediately open his eyes, though. In a state of slowly waking up, his senses activate as slow as how his eyes try to open. The first sensation he feels is simply the cold. It starts from his fingertips and crawls to his arms. The chill slightly dissipates to his shoulders as he realizes his t-shirt keeps them warm. It’s not enough though. The cold gives him goosebumps and his fingertips shiver at the slightest, but not to the point where it seeps through his skin and chills his bones. It settles on his skin and just stays there. He then starts to feel his warm, clothed lower body. He hates that, when he wakes up because his upper limbs feel cold while the rest of his lower body are safeguarded by the sheets. 

_Maybe I should wake up now._

The first thing he sees is white ceiling. The white plain ceiling that tells him he’s in a dorm. Ah, that’s right. He went home late last night. He must have been exhausted to not immediately realize where he is. He probably when straight ahead to sleep when he got home. _No, I ate dinner with Minghao._ His eyes continue to blink slowly to adjust to the light together with his mind. Something is not right. He has absolutely no recollection of eating dinner with Minghao. Nor does he remember anything about reaching home. 

His eyes land on the long fluorescent light. He doesn’t have that kind of light in the ceiling in his room. He’s supposed to have light fixtures that Minghao chose for him because he’s the artistic one between the two of them. _Ah,_ he finally concludes.

__

In accumulating panic, he snaps out of his daze and looks around. But he can’t shift his head to the right like it’s supposed to. The movement is slow and it makes his heart heavy, but not the heaviness that can be described as a migraine. 

__

By his arm is the head he has given countless of pats before. “Minghao,” he calls out with his voice raspy and strained. He calls out again when he receives no answer. After a few seconds of the second call-out, the boy raises his head with the speed of someone who is not supposed to be able to do that when sleeping or even after that.

__

He stares at Jun with wide eyes and whispers his name in disbelief, scanning Jun’s face over and over again. But Jun couldn’t even comment on the expression he barely sees the younger wears. He is unable to talk, confused by everything around him. It is Minghao who first breaks the close eye contact. He jumps off his chair and bolts outside the room. He then surveys the room: it’s a wide room, almost like a hotel suite room that is spacious enough for a flat screen TV, two single sofa chairs, a coffee table, and a chaise lounge by the window. He then looks at the sight outside the window and is met by the morning sky. 

__

Another chill stems from his fingertips which makes him look down. Upon seeing and feeling the injected tube in his hand, everything finally makes sense to him. In silence, memories start coming back to him in consecutive scenes that pass by his memory like a flip book. The memories that are now running in his head feel like added gears and screws in his head that is not supposed to be there. His mind plays a particular scene over and over again – the collision. 

__

A doctor and nurse walks inside the room with a frantic Minghao in tow. Gone is the collected and cool composure cameras always see in him. Instead, it’s Minghao with bed hair, in a wrinkled tee, and black sweatpants. He doesn’t say anything and simply stands a few steps back away from the bed to allow the people to do their job. 

__

“How are you feeling, Junhui-ssi?” The doctor asks. 

__

“I’m fine,” is the automatic answer. “Just thirsty. Cold, too.”

__

__

The words come out slow and strained, as if his vocal cords haven’t been used for days when they have just finished their Japanese comeback. Seconds later, Minghao walks to them with a cup of water in hand. As Jun slowly sips the water, his eyes on his member not wavering. Without his ragged appearance, he moves like a robot on command that is slowly making Jun’s chest heavy with concern. The boy does not look back into his eyes, almost avoiding his eye contact. He focuses on the hands of the doctor and the nurse fussing at him with a healthy distance between them. The nurse fixes the sheets around him and fixes the temperature of the air conditioner afterwards. 

__

Hearing, vision, and coordination tests are conducted, including his vital signs before the doctor starts to speak, “It’s unfortunate to tell you that the reason you are here is because you got into a car accident. A collision with another car, to be specific. Have you got any recollection of last night before the collision?”

__

Maybe it’s the Korean he has acquired over the years that died in his brain after the collision, or maybe it’s his throat that refused to produce any sound because it got closed up because of the the accident, or maybe it’s his heaving chest that is slowly feeling the weight of reality upon him – one of them is probably the reason why he can’t answer. He simply stares at the eyes of the doctor whose eyes he does not want to look into. His eyes shift to the left on the disheveled appearance of Minghao who is furiously typing on his phone. The younger eventually looks up and approaches them. Once he feels his warm in his cold one, the invisible weight on his chest slowly evaporates into tolerable burden. 

__

“Hey, it’s okay.” Fingertips lightly brush through his hair that is curling by his forehead before they rest on his shoulder. “If you can’t talk right now, we’ll call them later,” Minghao whispers to him in their native language. 

__

“I don’t think he’s able to speak Korean right now. He’s still shaken up. Could we have a moment to ourselves?” 

__

“Of course,” the doctor nods in understanding. “We’ll take good care for you here until you are well enough to rest at home. Call us once you’re ready. We have to talk about your injuries and overall health.” 

__

The younger doesn’t wait for the medical professionals to exit the room. As soon as they start stepping away, his full attention is shifted to the older man lying on the bed. “Do you still want water?” he softly asks. “Does your head hurt? Here, have more water.” 

__

Jun soundlessly sips the water from the glass the younger is holding for him. His eyes survey the room, the scene of being in the hospital becoming more real before his eyes. 

__

“Hey,” Minghao’s whisper causes him to look into his eyes. “You might be scared right now, but I promise you don’t have to. You’re safe. You’re with me, okay? I’m here, I won’t leave, I promise.” 

__

Hearing all those words in their native language slowly grounds him back. The heaving of his chest slowly transitions into calm and normal breathing. His eyes gain more focus as he looks back into Minghao’s eyes. The hand on his shoulder makes him feel like he is being guided back towards the shore. The way he looks into Jun’s eyes makes him feel like Minghao knows the waves have been cruel and he wants to take away every single strangled breath he had from his chest during his suffering and breathe air into him. 

__

“Coups hyung and the others are on their way. For now, we just have to talk to the doctor. I’m here, I promise.” 

__

There is something foreign in Minghao’s eyes, something equally intimidating and alluring. Jun wouldn’t be able to look away even if he wants to. But Jun would never look away from Minghao’s eyes – only if he’s lying. The younger is one of the very few people that could see through his lies. After all, no one would think Jun can lie. Like what Hoshi said, he’s like a tree – honest and firm. But Minghao could see beyond those sturdy branches and is prepared to call him out every time he lies – which is not very often. 

__

“Can you tell me what happened?” Jun asks. “I know why I’m here. I want to know what happened to me after that.” 

__

Minghao’s composure falters. His hand caresses his cheek, something he sometimes does to Jun as a muted compliment after a performance. But the way it caresses his face and the way he looks at him while doing so brings back the heaviness in chest. He has never touched his face like this. 

__

“I can’t tell you everything, I couldn’t understand the doctor because I couldn’t think straight. All I can tell you is that you had a serious concussion in the left side of your head. The window glass cracked so you have cuts in the side of your head too. But the doctor said you’re okay, thank goodness.” Minghao suddenly kisses his forehead which requires Jun to do a double take. “Your blood pressure is low, though. Doctor was slightly alarmed by that. I told you to eat healthier. Stop with all those spicy foods.” 

__

“I-I’m sorry.” He doesn’t know what to say. All he can think of is that he got into a car accident and now he has a concussion. What do you say after knowing that? What is supposed to be the appropriate reaction after knowing you hit the side of your head because there was a driver that suddenly swerved to the wrong lane like he was a player in a video game? 

__

Minghao shakes his head. “No, no. Don’t say sorry. None of this is your fault, okay? You didn’t do anything wrong. Even the driver didn’t do anything wrong.” 

__

Jun’s eyes enlarge after hearing him mention the driver. “The driver, oh God. What happened to him? Minghao, what happe-“ 

__

“Ssh.” His hand finds Jun’s hollowed cheek once again. “Hey, hey. Driver-hyung is okay, he’s okay. The doctor said he sustained more injuries but he’s not too critical. He’s stable as well. Calm down, you’re both okay.” 

__

Jun nods and closes his eyes, using his technique to calm himself down. He may be admitted in the hospital right now, but he’s fine. He’s okay. He’s not alone. 

__

“I think I can talk to the doctor now,” he says. He needs to get this done and over with. He wants to go home and eat the food they should have eaten last night. Two soft knocks come from outside that makes them both think it might be the doctor. Instead, the two look at the slowly opening door and see someone that has glistening eyes and high cheekbones. 

__

“Jun hyung,” Seungkwan whispers. Jun sees ten more enter the room behind him with solemn expressions. He immediately decides he needs to recover as fast as possible. 

__

“Hey,” he greets with tone he wishes isn’t so weak. He feels like he’s been hit with a truck. A pause immediately fills his mind upon that thought. Okay, maybe he should never use that expression ever again. 

__

“How are you feeling?” Seungkwan asks weakly as they all surround the bed with others choosing to step back for the other members who can’t keep their anxiety at bay. As Jun looks all of them, it’s pretty obvious to see which of them will be crying anytime soon. He smiles for all of them. 

__

“Not the best,” he admits with a laugh. “But I’ll be better.” 

__

A few seconds of silence fills the room. “Yah,” he scolds with a laugh. “I’m alive. I’m talking see? I’m awake. I’m okay now.” 

__

“Hyung, are you sure?” Vernon quietly asks in a serious tone behind Seungkwan who Jun knows will be crying first. “You don’t have to hide anything from us.” 

__

“That’s right, this is serious,” Chan chimes in with furrowed eyebrows. His eyes are glassy but it doesn’t defeat Dokyeom’s who is currently gripping Mingyu’s hand. 

__

“Yah,” he scolds louder. “Hyung got into a car accident that gave him injuries… but considering what happened last night, I think I’m okay.” 

__

He pauses and looks at his members. The three youngest members alongside Mingyu and Dokyeom who are all crowding his bed. So far, it’s only Vernon and Jihoon who are the calmest, rubbing Seungkwan’s back. Mingyu is fairly calm too, holding Dokyeom’s waist. The rest are simply standing in silence at the back, letting the criers do all the talking. Of course Yoon Jeonghan may cry as well. 

__

Now that he remembers the events of last night, he knows he could have been in a worse state right now. Not everybody gets away from colliding with a tree and then a car with only a serious concussion and cuts by the side of the head. He feels weak and frail, but he’ll take the experience of being helpless any day than being in a comatose. 

__

He remembers the impact of his head hitting the window car twice so hard he loses his hearing and sight. The climax of the entire accident happened in just seconds it passed by in a flash, literally. They might think this is serious, and it is, but Jun knows waking up early in the morning from a car collision accident qualifies as a miracle. 

__

“Listen to me,” he starts softly and looks at the members in front of him as intense as he can. “What happened last night… was serious. I have a serious concussion right now. And it’s bad, but I’m thankful it’s all I got from last night. And that’s what you will all try to remember, okay?” 

__

He receives no response, but sends Seungkwan running to him which commences his crying alongside Dokyeom with silent Chan and Mingyu watching them. Vernon simply looks down, hands in the pockets of his hoodie. 

__

Minghao forces himself to walk away from the bed to give the crying people space. He stands beside Mingyu when Seungcheol wraps his arm to his chest and pulls him in for a hug from behind. “How is he feeling?” 

__

Minghao looks at the sight before him, wanting to cry again the same way he finally cried the whole night while looking at a sleeping Jun. “He says he’s okay but when he remembers what happened he just… stares blankly. It’s the trauma, isn’t it?” 

__

Jun rubs the backs and shoulders of the two boys while chuckling at the sight of grown men crying for him and on him. He looks up and sees Minghao, Jeonghan, Joshua, Soonyoung, Jun, Wonwoo and Jihoon a few steps away from them. He smiles and mouths, “I’m okay.” This causes Soonyoung to finally cry. 

__

A few seconds upon hearing Soonyoung cry, Jeonghan feels his control slipping. 

__

He tightens his lips in a thin line to keep the whimper in his mouth from looking at the sight before him. Seungkwan and Dokyeom are still crying around Jun’s weak frame and is finally joined by Soonyoung. Mingyu stands close to them with a comforting arm wrapped around Chan’s smaller frame. Vernon pats Jun’s knee comfortingly a few times before standing beside Mingyu and Chan. He sets his eyes on Jun whose eyes meet with his. Jun sends him a reassuring smile and mouths, “I’m. Okay.” 

__

Jeonghan’s control at last completely breaks away. He doesn’t run how Soonyoung just did, though. He cries silently and stands between Jisoo and Seungcheol who have their devastated looks masked by a serious expression. He recalls how Seungcheol and Jeonghan immediately ushered the kids to their cars to head to the other dorm last night after Jeonghan receives Dokyeom’s text. He remembers the looks on the faces of Woozi, Seungkwan, Vernon, and Dino as they sit on the couch with Seungkwan’s sniffles being the only sound that can be heard in their living room. Seungkwan had his head laid on Chan’s shoulder and his hand gripped by Vernon who is as silent as Woozi. It was Seungcheol who spoke first as soon as they got to the dorm. While others couldn’t think straight and the rest are striving to at least think, it was the leader who formulated the plan with the manager on the phone who was on his way to fetch Seungcheol to head to the hospital. 

__

Jeonghan was left in the dorm as the eldest, calming Seungkwan down with so many hugs, pats, and a glass of water. Seungkwan couldn’t sleep last night, even as he lays on the lap of Chan with the youngest desperately trying hard to not wail the same as him. The only reason why the Jeju islander managed to sleep was because he cried himself to sleep, Chan told him. While Jeonghan sent the boys to their rooms after realizing it was getting late in the night, he didn’t bother telling them to get some sleep. He wasn’t able to get a wink of sleep as well, his mind filled with suffocating thoughts. 

__

Seungcheol arrived with Joshua and Dokyeom at midnight. The two oldest members walked into the living room in slow motion, but Dokyeom immediately headed to Jeonghan’s arms with swollen eyes and a fallen expression. The others were called from their respective rooms to hear Seungcheol and Joshua explain everything. After learning about the accident and its aftermath, everything went by in a flash through another round of cries and hugs. This morning a fraction of his mind still couldn’t believe it. But looking at Jun who is smiling at them, comforting the cry-babies, and telling everyone he’s okay, sends a dagger straight to his heart. 

__

“Yah,” Dino suddenly says. “Can it be our turn to hug him now?” The sniffles are unmistakable and it doesn’t take long before they all realize the youngest is crying at last. As the maknae, it’s easy to assume Chan is the first one to shed a tear among them. But fans know well he’s mature for his own age. The fans know he doesn’t always act like the youngest, aside from when he laughs his heart out and automatically snuggles to the member beside him while doing so. But Chan has one of the purest hearts out there, which is why it makes sense to everybody that it’s only a matter of time before he cries along with Seungkwan, Dokyeom, and Soonyoung. 

__

“S-Sorry,” Seungkwan sniffles as he and the others forcibly pulls away from the lying member and stands beside Wonwoo who is as silent as ever. Mingyu, Chan, and Vernon embrace Jun carefully, touching him like he’s a glass that would break anytime someone exerts unnecessary strength. The ever clumsy and tall Mingyu is at an awkward position but endures the arrangement just so he could give the warmest hug his hyung could feel without hurting his head. Chan has his face buried in Jun’s neck with his arm wrapped around his chest. Vernon is joined in by hugging Chan from behind but has his hand laid on Jun’s chest for comforting pats. Mingyu kisses Jun’s cheek before pulling away. Vernon instantly gets the message and pulls Chan with him to give the others space. 

__

Wonwoo, Woozi, and a crying Jeonghan steps in for an embrace around Jun’s frame. It’s almost comical, how it’s the patient who is giving comfort to the visitors. But they’ve never been a normal bunch, which is why everyone follows along the act of crowding Jun and gently suffocating him with an embrace. All of them are shaken up, wondering what sight will greet them once they step inside the hospital room. It also didn’t help that they had to wear dozens of disguises and enter the back of the hospital to hide from prying eyes. It frustrated them all, knowing they couldn’t head to the hospital last night like how average people can. 

__

“I’m so glad you’re safe,” Jeonghan whispers by Jun’s ear as tears fall down to his face. “You scared us so much, Junnie. I was so scared when I found out it was you on the news. I’m here, okay? Hyung is here.” 

__

“I know, Yoon Jeonghan,” Jun responds teasingly. “I know you’re here. You never left.” 

__

He only receives more crying and whimpers from the angel as response, so he continues. “I’m okay now. And I’ll be better in the future. The only direction I can take is forward, which is why believe me when I tell you that you have to stop worrying. _Yah_ , stop crying.”

__

“The fans are right,” the talented producer and songwriter of the group suddenly says. “Maybe you are the maknae. I don’t remember Chan causing this much stress to us before.” 

__

The patient laughs weakly and pats the back of Jihoon’s hand for a scolding. “I don’t mind being called the maknae. I do need to be taken care of more these past weeks. You don’t mind me replacing your position for a few weeks, do you, Channie?”

__

“No,” Chan answers in a flash with a shaking of his head. His strained voice and swollen eyes and nose indicate he is still recovering from crying. “You can be Jeonghan’s baby anytime you want.” 

__

That sounds torture in Jun’s ears, to be asked whose baby he is every single day by the devil in disguise. He likes being the maknae-like hyung. It’s fun. But at the moment he is going to say and do anything to soothe or alleviate the pain of his members even for just a tad bit. 

__

Wonwoo doesn’t say anything but simply holds Jun’s hand and squeezes it three times. He pays it no mind and simply smiles at him when he does the action again with equal intervals in between the squeezes around his hand. Jun shifts his head to the right questioningly when his memory finally explains the action. In one of the legs of their 2019 world tour, they watched a movie in the hotel room when they became roommates. Jun eventually got sleepy but before he drifted off to dreamland he remembers a particular scene wherein a teenage girl squeezes her best friend’s frail hand three times which means _‘I’m here, you can tell me anything when something is wrong.’_ He remembers commenting something about the scene which Wonwoo agrees with. He laughs at Wonwoo and weakly squeezes back. 

__

The three finally pull away with a still crying Jeonghan joining Seungkwan and Soonyoung who are still in tears. Seungcheol and Jisoo approach him to each side of the bed and embraces him. He quickly notes how warm their bodies are, even Seungcheol’s shaking body. 

__

“I’m sorry, Junnie. This shouldn’t have happened to you,” Seungcheol says. 

__

“I’m okay now, hyung. Maybe I don’t feel the best, but I’m okay,” he reassures. 

__

“Did the doctor tell you you’re completely okay now?” Joshua asks as he pulls away from his neck and loosens his embrace around him. 

__

“Um…” he trails off and looks at his only fellow Chinese member for back-up. “Well, we haven’t talked to the doctor yet.” 

__

Jisoo blinks at him a few times before a response but Seungkwan beats him to it. “What do you mean you haven’t talked to the doctor yet? You mean, you mean you didn’t call the doctor right when you woke up?” 

__

“He couldn’t answer the doctor a while ago,” Minghao explains. “He needed time. I had to speak Chinese to him for him to say something.” 

__

“I was tongue-tied,”’ Jun sheepishly admits. “Minghao called the doctor and he checked everything but I wasn’t able to talk to him after the tests. We were supposed to call him back though, you guys just arrived all of a sudden.” 

__

“We should really call the doctor,” Jisoo softy tells him. “That way we’ll know what truly happened to your head. Does it hurt?” 

__

Jun shakes his head. Now that he’s asked, he doesn’t feel anything internally that indicates his head suffered from a severe concussion. 

__

“We’ll talk later, okay?” Seungcheol whispers and kisses his forehead as and Jisoo pull away from him. Minghao then calls they doctor through the button by his bed that they have just noticed. In a few minutes, the doctor and the nurse walks in while staring at twelve grown bowing at them with some doing so with sniffles and tear-stricken faces. 

__

“Is it okay for me to speak to you know, Junhui-ssi?” The middle-aged doctor asks with a fatherly smile. 

__

“Yes,” Jun answers with a tone clearer compared to when he first spoke to the doctor. He looks around and silently thanks the heaven the room has enough space for twelve more people. He sends a still sniffling Seungkwan, Dokyeom, Soonyoung, and Jeonghan a reassuring smile with a wink before completely paying attention to the doctor. 

__

“I believe I told you earlier you got into a car accident last night, a car collision to be specific,” the doctor starts and receives a nod from Jun. “Do you have any recollection about last night, hours or maybe minutes before the accident?” 

__

“I remember everything,” Jun answers. “Well, of course I don’t remember what was happening during the accident but, I remember what happened before that.” 

__

“Can you tell me what you remember?” 

__

He stops in silence to internally question himself. Does he have his memory right or is his mind messed up and he just doesn’t know it yet. The members look at him inquisitively which sends him into a slight panic mode. Minghao notices this immediately and sits on the chair beside the bed. 

__

He grabs his hand. “I’m here, gē. You can do this.” 

__

“Go on,” the doctor encourages him. Beside him is the nurse is quietly taking down notes on her clipboard which makes Jun realize they are checking his memory through talking to him. He grabs Minghao’s hand back. 

__

“After crashing into the tree, the side of the car crashed into us as well. I don’t know why that happened. We turned left to avoid, he shouldn’t have been able to crash against us unless he was driving so fast. But... i-impossible. He should have gone straight ahead, the road was small but it wasn’t curved. There was no way our cars would have collided with each other. I felt it. The impact was so strong I…felt the window crack against my head when I bumped into the window again. That’s…that’s all I can remember.” 

__

“And that’s all there is to the story,” the doctor says. “Your story matches to the report of the accident. I’m sorry we had to make you recall last night but it’s important for me to check your memory. You did a great job.” 

__

Jun immediately releases a breath he doesn’t realize he is holding. For a moment he thought he’s got the recollection of the incident messed up. He squeezes Minghao’s hand tighter. 

__

How about your sight and your hearing as of the moment?” 

__

“It’s good, I can hear and see well.”

__

“And your head?”

__

“I don’t feel anything…” Jun trails off, finding it weird himself that he isn’t feeling pain where he’s supposed to be feeling. 

__

“That’s because of the medicine we gave you last night,” the doctor explains. “It’s doing its job but I have to warn you though, the effects will wear off eventually. Probably by the afternoon or tonight you’ll start feeling an ache in your head, but of course that depends completely on your body.”

__

“How about the rest of your body?” He asks once more. 

__

“Okay…I guess,” Jun whispers the last part. He doesn’t realize he’s completely avoiding the eyes of his members, which immediately tells Minghao he isn’t telling the truth. 

__

“Gē,” he calls out. “You should tell the truth.” 

__

He knows he should, but after letting the members hear what happened and his injuries, Seungkwan and Co. can burst out crying again any moment. He can tell that Jeonghan is trying to hold it in with his arms gripping Jisoo’s hand who has his other arm around Chan’s back. Soonyong and Dokyeom have their arms wrapped around each other shoulders with sniffles threatening to escape from their chest for another round of crying. Seungkwan is holding onto Hansol’s arm for dear life. Seungcheol, Jihon, Wonwoo, Woozi, Mingyu, and Minghao all are wearing solemn looks on their faces that make them look like attendees in the funeral. Thank goodness it’s only Wonwoo and Woozi that’s wearing black. 

__

“I just feel weak,” he finally admits. “Like, my body feels really heavy.” 

__

“It’s completely expected your body to feel that way,” the doctor responds. “In the following days your body will be adjusting to the medicine and would be recovering from the impact at the same time. We will try our best to take care of you. In the afternoon, we have your CT scan results. It’s good to know that so far you’re well, apart from the wound on your head and your healing concussion of course, but these scans can tell us a lot of things. When it comes to severe concussions, especially from car accidents, we can never be too sure.” 

__

And that’s when Jun feels like his heart would plummet to the ground. The ounce of energy he has left visibly deflates from his body and he finally feels tears forming in his eyes. Only after hearing the doctor’s words did Jun finally realize that the aftermath of the accident is worse. Especially for him – as an idol and performer. How long does he have to stay in the dorms while his members work tirelessly? 

__

“I know this is a lot to take in, especially with the job you have. But we will do our best to take care of you. Also, the CT scan is standard for those who had severe concussions. We’re just making sure. I can’t say for certain that you’re completely okay, but what I can tell you is that you’re certain in a good shape considering the accident you were in.” 

__

The room falls silent for the boys who all have a single thought in mind. They won’t be complete for God knows how long. 

__

The doctor continues, eyes on Jun only but well aware of the tension in the room. “As I have told the members who were here last night, I want you to stay here to the hospital for two weeks, at the very least.” Jun doesn’t miss the emphasis at the doctor’s final words. 

__

“Another reason why we took a longer time treating you last night was because your blood pressure was too low. Have you been feeling dizzy these past few days?” 

__

If the situation was lighter, like a regular check-up of some sort that they’d have thrice a year, Jun would answer with an embarrassed smile. But what is happening now is different, much more serious. Hiding the truth would be bad for the group. Besides, it’s not like the certain boy who’s eyeing him with all seriousness won’t be able to tell. 

__

“Y-Yes,” he finally admits. “But we’re constantly working, I just thought I needed rest. I never thought about checking my blood pressure.” 

__

The doctor nods, completely understanding him. Although it’s the doctor’s first time to have a celebrity under his care, it’s common to see people come to the hospital because of a low blood pressure. But this worsened his current patient’s state, though. 

__

“I understand what you mean, Junhui-ssi. But low blood pressure also affects the blood flow. Now whenever the brain suffers from an impact, either weak or strong, the blood rushes to that part to prevent it from swelling. Now, since you have a poor blood flow, it couldn't do its job properly when you had the concussion. Which is why it is important to for me to keep you here. I need to make sure your blood pressure becomes normal. And since you will be recovering in these upcoming weeks, a person’s blood pressure can be unpredictable. I can discharge you after two weeks, but that doesn’t mean I am sure that you are completely well. When it comes to proper recovery, a severe concussion takes two months to completely heal.” 

__

Jun could only nod a few times. Thank goodness he worked extra harder on his Korean lessons back when they had a little bit of vacation after their Fear comeback. But he can’t bring himself to say anything, not when even his members are also left astounded and scared on what they just heard. 

__

“Now, I am not telling you this to alarm you. I don’t want you to panic. It’s too early to make assumptions, I am simply informing you about your state. Please do remember that what you are experiencing right now is curable. I understand that you and your members are afraid, but we will do our best to take care of you.” 

__

“Any updates on the driver of the car that caused this accident?” Jihoon suddenly speaks up with an unreadable expression. Shivers immediately crawled down Jun’s spine. 

__

“Yes, that’s also what I want to talk about,” the doctor nods. “Junhui-ssi, we can talk about this with only the two of us, if you want.” 

__

Jun has never been more afraid of talking to someone in private in his life. Deep inside, he has a clue. At the back of his mind, there are only a handful of realistic reasons that could have caused a driver to act like that. He simply doesn’t want to hear it out loud. But he knows he’s gonna have to face the music eventually, no matter how long or how many times he pushes it back. 

__

“No, they can stay.” 

__

“The driver was severely drunk.” 

__

Jun expects a severe blow to be directed to his chest after finding out the truth, no _confirming_ what he guessed was to be the truth. But he only feels this “i-knew-it” feeling in his chest that if anything, makes him feel worse. 

__

“The driver also received a severe concussion but he is still unconscious. His body is recovering not only from the accident but also from severe drunkenness. Of course, this is a crime. You will need to talk to the police as soon as possible. I can push it back if you need more time, until tomorrow at most. They would need to have to talk to you for them to release a statement. Everything I know about everything about your health will be kept confidential for your privacy and protection, of course.” 

__

Jun looks at his members who have expressions on their faces ranging from angry to devastated. Jeonghan seems to be in physical pain as he leans against Jisoo’s side, hand covering his face while looking down at the floor. Jihoon and Seungcheol both have their jaws stiff and lips set into a thin line. 

__

The doctor and the nurse finally exit the room.The boys slowly approach closer to his bed with silence. Nobody knows what to say, even Seungcheol who seems to be in a deep thought. He’s wearing the face he has on whenever he needs to think of something through as leader; it’s the serious, half-dazed but half-concentrated look with hardened eyes and stiff jaw which always makes him intimidating to idols who don’t know him personally. 

__

Seungkwan suddenly fixes the blanket around his waist and pulls it by his underarms. “We’ll visit you tomorrow once again, hyung. I’ll get you the really spicy kimchi stew you like – wait a minute. Are you even allowed to eat spicy food? No, no. I’ll just get you a regular kimchi stew. What else do you want, hm? If we can’t visit we’ll have food delivered here, how about that? Are you hungry? Wait a minute, when are they gonna give you medicine again, are they even timing it right. Myungho, let’s go to the doct-“

__

“Seungkwan,” Vernon gently shakes the rambling boy’s shoulders. “You heard the doctor yourself, they’ll take care of him.” 

__

“Jun-ah,” Seungcheol all of a sudden speaks up. “You heard the doctor, you need lots of rest. Recovery will be your only priority, you got it.” 

__

Jun pouts, but he doesn’t know that. Only the boys watching him know it. “I still need to release a statement, though. Have you guys done it for me?” 

__

God, the fans. The fans are probably so worried and devastated right now. He has half the mind to suggest that he could do a V Live, but his members might just get mad at him for it. He can tweet though, or maybe use the WeVerse and tell the fans he’s okay and just needs time before he can show himself or participate in any of the activities. 

__

“We have to,” the leader replies. “We’re just waiting for you.” 

__

Jun smiles at them. “No need to wait for me. But you guys should have the company release a statement now. We can’t have the fans waiting. Did anything leak while I was unconscious?” 

__

“No. The ambulance was able to bring you to the hospital without having many people see you. Only passersby were able to see the incident, not you though. They reported it immediately too.” 

__

As they look at Jun, some of them are impressed and others simply furious that he can still smile at them. They know it’s fake, that he’s trying to put up an act. But that’s Jun, comforting others even if he deserves the comfort more than others. And of course, the next thing he says astounds them even more. 

__

“I know the driver needs to be punished by law. Even if he didn’t cause an accident he would still be in trouble if he got caught because he was driving while drunk. But…” Jun pauses before taking a deep breath. “If I would send him to prison, I want to know if he has a family who needs him that he has to leave alone.” 

__

Right then and there, a fire ignites inside Minghao’s chest that sends his heart to beat tenfold. He’s never felt anything like it before – the warmth spreading in his body originating from his chest and settling on his stomach that sends its insides into frenzy. The feeling is not like the adrenaline that would rush in his veins before, during, and after a performance. The feeling feels like electricity rushing in his veins that he doesn’t want to get rid of. It’s the kind of electrocution he would choose to dive into. But at the same time, it’s the electrocution that does not send him alarmed, but rather curious. He wants more of it. His eyes lock on the overly selfless man lying on the bed with a single thought in mind. 

__

_Wen Junhui, you will be the death of me._

__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Exams are over! I've been gone for I don't know how long but finally, I've been able to update and show you this. Please look forward to the next chapters, I have more time now. Also, a very important note, anything medical I have written in this chapter is nowhere verified or proofread by a medical expert. I simply wrote what I understood from Google and from what I wanted to show you as mediocre writer. If you are a medical expert or simply have knowledge about the things I have shown below, please still try to enjoy it. This chapter will be proofread for another time tomorrow, but for now I simply want to show you all what I've been dying to post these past few weeks. Enjoy and look forward to the comeback of our boys!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The road to recovery is long, but no one told Jun it comes with unexpected obstacles and painful twists and turns.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: There are depictions of anxiety and panic in this chapter. In addition, there are also ideas or thoughts of vomit that can be found in this chapter. Read at your own risk.

The two policemen Minghao, Joshua, and Dokyeom already met enters his hospital room. Jun immediately becomes thankful Seungcheol, Soonyoung, and Minghao are with him. Many of the others wanted to come but the most rational decision is to have fewer people as possible when Jun talks to the police. The two members are for support and of course, Korean translation if he needs it. 

Moon Junhui-ssi, I’ve been informed that you already know that the driver who caused the accident was under the influence of alcohol,” the taller man says. 

”Yes, that’s right.” 

”We have already talked to the offender and he has accepted all penalties he can possibly receive,” he tells Jun. “We’ve talked to the driver of your car first since he sustained more injuries and the family demands him to prison. I assume you also want the same?” 

Jun aches at hearing his driver-hyung has a family. “I’ll go with whatever my driver and his family wants to happen.” 

The policemen nods with the slightly shorter man jotting down a few notes beside the policeman who’s doing the talking. “Very well. Since there is an evidence and the offender has already pleaded guilty, the process will run smooth and as fast as it can. This will all end soon.” 

The policemen talks to him for a good hour with his members translating words for him because they’re using unconventional Korean words in the conversation. As soon as they leave, Jun couldn’t help but feel relief. He hated every second of that conversation. He doesn’t want to remember what happened. He just wants to leave all of it in the past. 

”Coups hyung,” he calls out. “Is the driver hyung’s family okay? Is there anything we can do? We should tell the company to accept him still when he’s recovered.” 

The leader smiles and pats his head. “Don’t worry Junnie, I already talked to the company and that’s what they will do. I talked to his wife. Driver hyung’s the only one who has a stable job in the family. But their eldest son has just graduated and is already looking for a job. The wife said he graduated from a really good university too, so he already applied to companies. But the wife is looking for a job too while driver hyung is recovering.” 

“Is there anything we can do about that?” Jun asks. “Let’s ask manager-hyung.” 

”Let’s talk to the CEO, hyung,” Soonyoung tells Seungcheol. “He can recommend her to some of his friends, or maybe she can work at our company! Let’s talk to him tomorrow, hyung.” 

“Hoshi-ya,” Seungcheol calls out. “We can’t just walk inside his office.” 

“Why not? You’ve always done that when we were trainees.” 

”That’s because Pledis wasn’t a good company back then, Soonyoung-ah.” 

”Oh, so you think it’s a good company now?” 

Minghao looks at them in irritation. “We’re at the hospital, not at home. Quiet.” 

  
  


Jun has ran out of things to do and it’s only been three days in the hospital. He’s gone through almost all the channels theTV can offer, watching the idols on variety shows who are trying their best to create laughable content. A few times he’s reminded of Seungkwan every time some idols manage to provoke laughs and giggles out of him.

Eventually he gives up on the TV when he wakes up in the afternoon, alone once again, with the remote control in his hand and the blanket of the hospital bed still wrapped tightly around his body, as if he hasn’t been sleeping for a few hours. It’s totally unlike him to sleep like a mummy; Minghao does that. The guy can sleep for hours on end without drastically changing his position. His sleeping position, however, is another story.

A few times when they were trainees and had to force themselves to fit on mattresses laid together on the floor, Jun has annoyed several of the members who can sleep in one position or two for the entire night. Eventually, he had to sleep next to the members who move actively as he does when asleep, like Chan, Seungkwan, and Mingyu.

He smiles at the thought of their humble past and how they literally danced and sang their way through obstacles to get where they are now. He’s grateful, forever will be, but he still can’t help but ask himself and the heavens why out of all injuries he could get, it had to be a concussion in the head.

However, he immediately shakes himself out of the negativity. The negative thoughts generates from his conversation a few days ago with his parents, grandparents, and brother with the half of his family bawling on the other side of the line upon finding out about the accident. If there’s anything Jun is thankful for, is that Pledis informed his family before releasing a public statement for the fans. 

He’s seen the reactions of the Carats and general kpop fans alike, and he was truly humbled. He even trended for a few days, because it’s almost unheard of to see idols get hurt in an accident completely uninvolved with their line of profession. Foot injuries, shoulder dislocations, back strains, severe cramps, fatigue, and severe weight loss are some of the illnesses and conditions most people would read from articles that idols are experiencing. Not a car accident, and certainly not because of a drunken driver’s fault. However, he couldn’t bring himself to type a post in the Weverse just like he planned because although it’s true that he’s doing okay… he simply doesn’t want to make himself known just yet. 

In a flash, he immediately feels horrible just like how he felt when he was talking to Seungcheol on the phone last night. The leader tells him it’s right for him to assure the fans, but it might be better for him to stay silent in recovery if he isn’t completely willing to post something. 

He knows it’s the leader’s way of telling him that as well-appreciated idols, it’s their responsibility to give back. But they shouldn’t give back when they don’t have so much left for themselves. They deserve their privacy and right to keep things from their fans. It’s not about being selfish, it’s about protecting your life as a human being. Once again, Jun feels amazed at having such a wise leader at such a young age. At the same time he’s also worried of the older’s state, which is why he reminded his Coups hyung to not worry about him too much especially when he’s at the hospital recovering. The leader laughs out loud on the other side of the phone but replies a _“thank you, Jun-ah,”_ anyway. 

For three days, he’s been fading in and out of sleep as a side effect of the medicines and shots given to him. It’s embarrassing for him to wake up with Minghao or the others waiting for him to wake up with a bunch of things to keep him company before they leave for work. This morning he felt quite relieved when Dino announced in their group chat that they had a schedule in a lengthy message. That would mean they don’t have to waste their time here. However, the maknae did include in the lengthy message that some of them would take turns on visiting him if they can’t all visit together. 

His CT scans were presented to him by the doctor and to everybody's relief, the results show a normal activity and structure of a brain that suffered a sever concussion. Nothing was out of the ordinary which means all he has to worry about is his blood pressure that has been fluctuating a few times throughout his stay...and he hasn’t even been in the hospital for a week yet.

A sigh escapes from him, worry growing in his chest. He needs to recover as fast as he can. He’s itching to storm to their practice room to dance or lock himself in a studio just to sing his heart out and maybe play with the piano.

Out of the blue the phone on his bedside table dings. He reaches for it and immediately smiles at the message from his younger Chinese member. 

_I’ll be there in a few hours, make sure you’re hungry because I’m bringing takeout._

Another message dings as he reads the first. 

_Actually don’t be hungry because you’re supposed to eat a lot because that’s what the doctor said. Just make sure you have more space for your favorite foods._

Judging by the smile on his face, it’s obvious the message is the highlight of Jun’s day. His fingers speedily type a reply, 

_i always have space for my favorite foods_

_thank you xu minghao and take your time!!_

Afterwards, Jun finally runs out of things to do. The nurse enters for her rounds and immediately notices the boredom her patient is experiencing. 

“We have a rooftop garden, would you like me to bring you there?” His nurse kindly offers with a teasing glint in her eyes right after she hears the grumble coming from Jun when she entered the room a few minutes ago. 

“I can give you a surgical mask? It’s early in the afternoon, not many goes there. Many only go during the night because the sight from the rooftop of the city is beautiful.”

And Jun smiles with a brightness a little closer to when Minghao sent him a message. “Please.”

  
  


Jun slowly walks beside the nurse to the entrance of the rooftop garden and he knows he made the right decision to accept the nurse’s offer of bringing him here. There’s not much people, only elders holding canes or in wheelchairs as they’re assisted by their nurses and younger patients who are in their own world breathing in the fresh air same as him. There are kids running around the wheelchair an old man is sitting on, all of them laughing. 

A slight breeze welcomes Jun as he walks to the handrails that surrounds the edge of the garden. This is good, his lower limbs needs to be moving as much as he can. He can’t do that if he’s going to be grumbling the rest of the day in his hospital bed because he doesn’t have anything to do aside from using his phone. 

”You can leave me here, I know my way back,” he tells the nurse to which the woman nods and walks away with a smile and a slight bow. He bows in return.

After twenty minutes or so he feels the ache in his feet from standing after lying in bed for quite a long time which is why he decides to sit on the bench not far from the handrails. He enjoys the peace together with the sight of flowers and leaves dancing with the light air around when something lightly taps his right foot. 

He looks down and sees a toy car by his foot. It must have went to his direction when it was deployed by the owner. 

“Hi!” A cheery kid exclaims with his eyes smiling at him as well, paired with a very energetic wave of his hand. “That’s my car!” 

A grown-up, probably his mother, makes a ‘tsk’ sound at the boy gently, telling him to bow. The kid bows with an equally high energy level. Jun laughs at the sight and picks up the car to give it back to the boy who’s running to him in full force. Behind him is the mother he’s leaving behind, telling him to stop running. 

“Hello,” Jun greets with a smile. “This is yours.”

“Yes, it is! My sister gave it to me during my birthday. It’s my favorite car, did you know that?”

“No, I didn’t! But I can tell you really like it. Does the car have a name?” Jun continues conversing with the boy until the boy decides to sit beside him on the bench, to which his mother smiles in embarrassment. 

“Are you sick?” The boy, Minjae, asks after a few seconds of silence between them. “Why are you in the hospital, Jun hyung?” 

Yes, they’re close already. _So what,_ Jun thinks. 

“My head,” he points at his head’s top-left side. “I hit it really really hard. That’s why I got sick.” 

“A con…concu… a concussion!” The boy has to scream the last word in a tone that could only be described as happy. It’s evident on his face that he’s glad he knows what the injury is called. 

“Yeah, exactly! How did you know that?” Jun asks in astonishment. “You’re very smart!” He couldn’t help patting the boy’s hair. 

“Of course,” Minjae pouts. “I like studying big-people names.” 

Jun laughs, glad he understands the Korean word he’s never heard before. “Do you want to be a doctor?” 

Minjae nods excitedly. “Yes! But I want to be an artist too. I like drawing! And painting, I can paint cars. I love painting cars!” 

“My best friend loves painting too. He likes to paint flowers!” 

“Hmm…” His new friend trails off while enlarging his left cheek cutely. “I never paint flowers. Should I try?” 

“Of course! My friend is really good at painting flowers, and he likes painting it with color yellow.” 

“Is that his favorite color? My favorite color is blue, like my car, see!” 

Their chat lasts for almost an hour before Minjae’s mother approaches them. “Minjae, we have to go home.” 

“Already?” The boy asks with wide eyes. 

“Yes, grandpa said he likes to eat at the café below,” his mom explains with a pat to the boy’s head, aware that her son doesn’t want to leave his new friend anytime soon. 

“But Jun hyung is all alone here,” Minjae pouts then his eyes widen a few seconds after. Jun almost sees a lightbulb flick above the boy’s head. “Jun hyung can come with us!” 

It’s Jun’s turn to have his eyes widen. “No, Minjae-ah, I’m okay. My friends will come here later!” 

“Who? The one who likes to paint?” 

“Yes, him.” 

“But maybe you feel hungry,” Minjae reasons out. “So you should get food with us. My grandpa will like you!” The boy points to the old man in a wheelchair Jun saw earlier who has a little girl younger than Minjae laughing along with the man. 

“Minjae-ah,” the mother smiles at Jun apologetically. “Do you really want to eat with your new friend?” 

“Yes!” Minjae answers and jumps out of the bench and immediately tugs on Jun’s hand. “Grandpa! I have a new friend!” 

  
  


And that’s how Jun spends his afternoon, making friends with children and laughing at adults who don’t seem to be recognize him. Until, of course…the mother says something after bringing the coffee cup back on the table. 

“You’re the idol who got into the car accident, aren’t you?” The mother whispers at her,mindful of the boy beside Jun who is smart and curious enough to ask things among adults. 

Jun’s mind freezes for a few seconds, before alertness takes over him. Instinctively, a guard puts up around and he automatically stands straighter. There’s no use denying, not when he has taken off the surgical mask to eat with these people. Besides, he considered the possibility of being recognized a while ago. He just didn’t think it would actually happen. 

“Yes,” he solemnly admits. 

“Don’t worry,” the mother assures him. “You’re safe with us, I just couldn’t help but point it out. My niece is a teenager and well…I’ve seen her room before. She’s a fan…I’m not asking for an autograph though! I won’t even mention this to her, she won’t believe me. I hope you recover fast.”

Jun’s persona in the public’s eyes are fixed on three things: the skilled performer, the talented visual, and the innocent hyung. But unknown to outsiders, he actually has a great sense of judgement, which is why he trusts his guts when it tells him these people don’t mean any harm. Not when they visited their grandfather who has been kind to him and their son who befriended him just because. 

They all go back to the rooftop garden with both his hands clasped by Minjae and his younger sister, Mina. Behind them are their parents pushing the wheelchair of their grandfather, laughing at the new friend of the kids who seems to be a kid as well, only trapped inside an adult’s body.

Minjae and Mina play with Jun with overflowing energy while he on the other hand fails to match their energy, to which the grandfather notices and tells him to rest if needs to. The sun has set and he’s now chatting with the old man when his nurse comes along with a slightly surprised expression.

“You have visitors,” the nurse rushes after entering the rooftop hurriedly. 

Of course, Jun does not part ways with the family without promising the children they’ll see him next time. Jun then tells the old man he hopes to meet him in the rooftop garden next time as well. 

As he and the nurse descend to their floor in the elevator the nurse asks him, “You spent quite a long time at the garden, Junhui-ssi.”

Jun laughs, cheeks pink in embarrassment. “Ah, well…I made friends.”

The nurse laughs. “I’m sure the children had fun, they come to the hospital regularly for their grandpa. I was quite shocked when I saw you at the garden, you spent hours there. You must have been really bored.”

“Yes, thank you for bringing me here. Although…I could have gotten back to my room alone. But thank you.”

“Ah,” the nurse shakes her head. “I had to get you back because your visitors were really worried. I mean, just the two of them at least. They said you weren’t picking up their calls.”

Jun pulls out the phone that has been in his pocket for hours and blinks a couple times. There 21 notifications in their group chat, 5 missed calls from Minghao, 2 text messages from him, 2 text messages from Seungkwan, and 1 text message from Wonwoo. His eyes shift to the time on his phone and realizes he’s been outside of his room for five hours.

Before he’s able to look at the messages in the group chat he has missed, the nurse opens the door for him and what welcomes him is a sight of Minghao with fire in his eyes and a phone in his hand. Behind him is Seungkwan wearing an overly worried expression with a pout. Wonwoo greets him like a normal person and lays a hand on his shoulder. The nurse leaves and Jun feels like he’s done something wrong. 

“Jun-ah,” Wonwoo asks. “Where did you go?”

“They have a rooftop garden,” Jun answers, taking off the surgical mask in his face. He’s taken it off at the coffee shop down at the first floor and also when many people left in the rooftop garden. “I’m sorry… I had my phone on silent.” 

“Moon Junhui!” Seungkwan nearly wails. “We got a little worried.” 

“Sorry, I didn’t notice the time. Have you guys been waiting long?” 

“No, it’s okay,” Wonwoo assures him. “We just here maybe twenty minutes ago. We brought food. Seungkwan, let’s prepare the food on the table, ‘kay?” 

“H-Huh?” Seungkwan asks his hyung. “A-All of a sudden we’re gonna pre-“

“Ssh,” Wonwoo pushes Seungkwan to the small living area of the hospital suite, leaving the two Chinese members alone. 

Jun doesn’t know what Wonwoo just did and what for, but he doesn’t have time to think much about it when Minghao is just staring at him in silence. “Y-Yah, are you okay?” He asks in Korean. “You called me a lot, sent some texts messages too. Sorry, I got carried away in the garden.” 

He doesn’t know why he feels so awkward apologizing when this shouldn’t mean anything to them, they apologize to each other in a joking manner because they never really had done anything bad to each other. They’ve always stuck with each other because it made sense for them to be close to each other, especially in the beginning as migrators to a foreign country. 

”Are you okay?” Minghao simply asks. Jun nods in confusion and receives an embrace from Minghao. “It’s okay, you got bored here. Just tell us where you are next time. Did anyone recognize you?” 

Minghao pulls away from him and looks into his eyes with so much depth and warmth. He’s been doing that a lot and it really takes a lot of energy for Jun to not look away. It’s not that he feels uncomfortable, it’s more of the intimidating emotions Minghao have in his already expressive eyes. 

Jun nods with a sheepish laugh. “Yeah, it’s the mother of the two children that became my friends. Said her niece is a fan, but she didn’t ask for an autograph or a picture. Maybe I should give her for the niece when I get leave. 

”That’s good…did you have fun?” Minghao asks. “Of course you’re going to have friends that are kids. You’re unbelievable!” 

”Hey, they’re smart kids!” 

  
  


It is the start of Jun’s second week and he has adjusted quite well to the slightly uneventful life of a patient. He doesn’t call it boring anymore because his mother did tell him on the phone that it would be good for him to use his rest as a break and that he should recover physically and mentally. A huge part of him feels guilty he has a resting period for his mental and physical health but his mother quickly tells him his resting period was caused by an accident. 

As much as Jun has adjusted to his quiet and calm routine well, he hates it when the medicine wears off after being drowsy and sleepy. The ache where the healing concussion is would begin and he hates it because the throbbing feeling feels a lot like migraine but ten times worse. There are times he would wince and his eyes would water when his concussion would ache painfully for a few seconds before it settles into only a heavy weight on his head. 

The doctor tells him every now and then that it’s expected but if it really does hurt then he can always prescribe Jun pain reliever. As for the cuts by the left temple of his head, they’ve been healing fast as scabs. Soon they’ll be scars and it’s nothing the advanced cosmetic industry of South Korean cannot fix. 

He’s alone again in the hospital because the boys are rehearsing for another choreography. Nights all alone are becoming frequent as they boys are starting to grow busier and busier. Jun has long accepted that he might not be present in choreographies and overall performances. However, he’s worked his schedule in the future after healing completely around certain things he can do in South Korea and content to be sent in China. 

Sleep embraces him once again as exhaustion hits his body. He woke up this morning not because of the sunlight like preferred but because of a massive headache. After it subsides, he ate breakfast and met with his new friend, Kang Min-woo, Minjae and Mina’s grandfather. The kids can’t go because of their studies which is why Min-woo spends his days in the garden. 

The old man is healing from a foot injury and is undergoing therapy every afternoon. Jun enjoys his time with the old man because it reminds him of his grandfather and he enjoys having a peaceful conversation. 

Overall, Jun is feeling good despite the migraines. He takes courage and inspiration from the members who message him every day, especially when they can’t visit him at night. A couple of times Minghao has tried sleeping in but failed when Jun could see his exhaustion from practice and send him home. He won’t get a good rest if he’s gonna sleep in one of the lounge chairs that could be turned into a bed. 

The day ends with Jun finishing a Chinese movie. Half of him wants to watch the movie Hoshi recommended to him on Netflix when he feels his headache creeping up on him. It starts slowly but eventually a pain hits him like it has never hit him before. Tears form in his eyes and one trickles down his cheek as he winces. The pain builds up and the sensation of vomiting forms in his stomach and threatens to ascend. He touches his concussion lightly but he knows he shouldn’t press on it. He decides to press the button by his bed. 

A nurse enters and after a bit of explanation from him and also by seeing him in pain gives him pain reliever to take after five minutes or so. He eventually feels the pain fade away and settle as a tolerable weight on his head. The nurse advises him to sleep and that’s exactly what he does right after texting Minghao that he feels sleepy.

  
  


”Yah,” a voice slowly brings him out of sleep. He doesn’t open his eyes though and stays in the position of sleeping on his side. “Look at him, he lost so much weight, oh God.” 

It’s a woman’s voice, gentle and sympathetic. But the hairs on Jun’s arm stand up in disapproval. If he would judge by the voice only, Jun guesses it belongs to a young female. 

_Is it a nurse? It can’t be a nurse. ___

____

”My poor Jun,” Jun hears a different voice. Also belongs to a female that is slightly lower, but still high in pitch. “You’ve been through a lot, huh? Don’t worry, you’ll get better.” 

____

Jun quickly confirms they aren’t nurses, after all. 

____

”You look so tired, Jun oppa,” the female who he heard first spoke says. “You’re sleeping so soundly. Have they been taking care of you?” 

____

”Yah,” her companion whispers. “He’s gonna wake up if you don’t tone down your voice.” 

____

”We don’t mean any harm,” the girl retorts with no effort to lower the volume of her voice. “We’re just visiting Jun oppa! What’s wrong with that?” 

____

Jun sucks in a breath, but cuts his deep exhale short. His heart erratically beats in his chest incredibly loud that he can hear it. 

____

_Snap. Snap. Snap._

____

It’s the unmistakable sound of a camera taking several pictures in a phone. Shivers crawl down his spine and makes his entire body shake. He prays to God that the blanket around his body covers up his subtle movement. At this point, Jun doesn’t have to wonder who these people are, nor does he want to name them. He wants them out of his room. He wants them far away. Frustration pools in his chest but it immediately transforms into anger. Raging anger. 

____

He’s scared. God, he is so scared but the fear is coming from countless thoughts running in his at the moment. These people with him in his room have so much access to him, his personal space, and his life that it ignites scalding anxiety in his chest and in the pit of his stomach. His head starts to ache once again but he pays no mind, simply focused on the fact that he’s pretending to be asleep while two females are invading his privacy with swoons and sweet nothings. However, the anger is brewing far greater and faster than the fear in his system. 

____

”Oh, he’s shaking,” the female with the soft voice exclaims under her breath. “Jun oppa, you’re feeling cold, oh no.” The louder female says nothing but a whimper. 

____

The next thing he feels are two hands by the blanket, pulling it higher to his body. Like an electric switch that’s suddenly been flicked on, Jun’s arm shots up and reaches for the red button beside his bed with wide, frantic eyes. His finger presses the red button so many times, body pulling away from the invading hands. His head looks at the females who look equally shocked as him. He refuses to dwell on their reactions and just presses the red button more times. The very hand he is using to press the button shakes drastically as he doesn’t realize he’s already sitting up on the bed, blanket kicked away to his feet. 

____

Nurses rush inside due to the continuous and loud beeping of his alarm when they stop on their feet, greeted by a rather unusual sight before them. Jun sits on the bed with hunched shoulders, evidently distressed while two young-looking females look at them in fear. 

____

“Th-They’re not supposed to be here!” Jun screams. “S-Sasaengs! Sasaengs!” 

____

A nurse screams for security guards while the invaders escape the room. The nurse pulls away the hand he doesn’t realize is still pressing the emergency button while the other props him properly on the bed. The two nurses continue instructing him to calm down but he hears nothing, just his shaky breaths and the ringing in his head. His breathing does not slow down or whatsoever. He fails to respond to any of their calm and clear instructions as he stares ahead into nothingness. His eyes stay hazy with lack of awareness or responses. Cold sweat covers his entire body as he shivers. His heart continues to thud in his chest and every single beat grows much heavier than the previous but faster as well. The succession of the beats are so rapid and relentless that Jun doesn’t realize he’s retching for air. Tears freely flow down his face but he’s unable to let out a wail or a scream. The passageway in his throat seems to close up so he reaches for his neck and just _squeezes_. 

____

The nurses quickly take action as they call for more help to calm him down. Jun doesn’t care, nor is he aware of what’s happening. Jun knows something bad is happening to him. Something has happened to him and something bad is currently happening to him. His vision does not seem clear; everything is disfigured in his eyes. All he can think of is the word he never thought he would ever scream for, _Sasaengs_.

____

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uhm...what just happened? Poor Jun, he's really having a hard time. Happy update to me! Thank you for all the nice comments, they really keep me going! If you were able to read the chapter entirely, I would like to inform you all I tried my best to describe anxiety or panic for what it really is - no glorification, embellishment, or whatsoever. The things I wrote were based on what I found in the internet because I know it's my responsibility to do the panic attack justice. If you think there's anything out of the line or below the bar, please do not hesitate to tell me. I hope you all like this chapter!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The incident forces Jun to build walls around him and create distance between him and his members that should protect them from harm.

Exhaustion. It’s all his body can feel. He’s awoken by murmurs nearby that indicate him there are people present in his room. He can tell his body refuses to move and start the day but his eyes open anyway, set on the window that has been his wake up call in the hospital. This time, however, sunlight doesn’t welcome him to start the day and instead the deep blue curtain is drawn to keep natural light from entering the room. A small light still manages to seep through the billowing curtain, indicating it’s daytime. 

They acknowledge him before his still sleepy state greets their presence. “Junnie.” 

He shifts to where the voice is coming from and sees three of his members, exhausted and extremely disheveled. By the door is their manager who looks at the idols before him with a serious, borderline angry expression. 

“How are you feeling?” It’s Seungcheol who musters the courage to speak up first. 

“Tired,” Jun answers for a few seconds. It’s not a lie. His body feels heavy as if he danced a difficult choreography throughout the day with no proper breaks or meals. His throat feels like it’s been dragged by vocal lessons for hours on end without the aid of water or anything liquid. His head feels heavy as his neck strains to sit up, but the leader in front of him gently pushes his back to lie on the bed once again. 

“You should just lie down,” Seungcheol tells him with dimples poking his cheeks but fails on expressing happiness. It’s the kind of smile you show when something bad happened and you’re aware you can’t go back in time to stop it from happening, therefore you stretch your lips into a smile of acceptance and decide that the only way is forward. 

Doesn’t mean that the decision is easy of course. 

The leader doesn’t know how to start, he doesn’t know how to bring it up. This is their biggest encounter with a sasaeng yet, and it hurts that it had to happen to their member that just needed all the peace and quiet the world can off. Jun, surprisingly, beats him to it. 

”Where are they?” 

”Hm?” Beside Seungcheol is Jihoon who asks in surprise. 

”The two women who entered my room last night. Where are they now?” 

He wants them caught. He wants them behind bars. If anything, he didn’t feel the anger he’s feeling at the moment when he got into a car accident. He’s being irrational, but he doesn’t care. The driver did those things to him and his driver because he was under the influence of alcohol. He was reckless, inconsiderate, and has absolutely no thought over the consequences of his actions. But those women, they’re evil. _So fucking evil._ Jun tells himself. 

”They were caught by the guards, Junnie. We will take action if you want to. But the members and I have talked, we prefer you to take action,” His Coups hyung explains. 

Jun immediately feels relieved but his dazed state doesn’t allow it to show as he stares blankly at them while nodding. “That’s good…what are you guys doing here?” 

Minghao finally finds words to say. “What are you talking about, Ge? Of course, we’re here. The others want to come so badly but-“

Jihoon stops Minghao from saying anything more by merely holding his hand and tugging it lightly. He turns to Jun and says, “You’re in shock. Take your time, Jun-ah.” 

“You shouldn’t be here. 

The three visitors flinch at the statement, more so Minghao who seems severely devastated. They all look at the patient whose emotion they can’t read, who seems to be only waking up from a feverish state last night and not because of fans who decided they have the right to barge into his life like he owed every single time of his life to them. 

”Jun-ah, what are you saying?” Seungcheol says the words slowly, afraid of what the younger’s answers will be. 

”They found out where I am, which means they probably already told others about it. It’s too risky for you guys to be here. Besides, all of you look tired. You guys should just go home,” Jun tells them as gently as he can. 

”They will move you to another room, Junnie,” Seungcheol replies, growing scared of the boy’s numbed expression. Every second he stares at Jun’s empty eyes, his heart grows heavier and heavier. “We will make sure this does not happen again.” 

Jun shakes his head, eyes looking at the window still covered by the curtain. “It’s not gonna do anything. They sent my location to everybody. You don’t want…” Jun trails off then looks back at them. “You don’t want more sasaengs to come and follow you home, don’t you?” 

The words scalds them so much that Seungcheol’s hand on his should pulls away suddenly. He follows where Jun’s eyes are set on and sees him eyeing the window, just staring blankly at the curtain lightly floating from the air conditioner blowing cool air from above. 

”Jun hyung,” Minghao steps in, his hand now on Jun’s shoulder and tugs it lightly. The worry and fear is so evident in his voice. “We can’t just… we can’t just leave you alone by yourself.” Both of them automatically know they need to speak Korean because the other members with them need to understand too. 

Jun holds the hand on his shoulder and squeezes it reassuringly, looking back at him. “It’s just while I’m here in the hospital, Myungho-ya.” 

“What do you mean while you’re at the hospital?” 

Jun looks at Seungcheol. “You guys shouldn’t visit me anymore. It’s too risky.” 

Minghao seems to be visibly pained as he steps back while Jihoon rubs his back a few times for comfort. The producer speaks up, “We can move you at another hospital, Jun. It’s not gonna be a problem.” 

The patient, evidently tired, shakes his head. “You don’t have to. It’s… it’s not gonna do anything.” 

Seungcheol swallows the lump in his throat and pushes the fear back to his stomach. He steps forward, hand clutching Jun’s to force him to look into his eyes. “Do you want to talk about what happened first?” 

The question leads emotion to escape through the barrier in Jun’s eyes that masks the emotion the leader is trying to read. “Or you can talk to anybody you want, if that will make you feel better.” 

Jun tries his best to not pull away from the leader’s hold, not wanting to hurt his feelings. He can’t do this. He doesn’t to deal with this. He just wants to get better, just like how he’s been doing all throughout his stay. “I don’t want to talk about it, hyung. They were already caught right, that’s what matters. J-Just…” he pauses, unable to control his stutter from the intensity of worry his older brother has in his eyes. Besides, he’s so tired. “Just make sure you delete whatever they have in their phone. They um…they took photos. That’s all I ask, and I’ll be okay.” 

“You don’t want us to visit you anymore, Jun-ah?” Jihoon asks. 

“No. It’s dangerous. Besides, I’ve been recovering really well. I’ll be home soon.” 

Jihoon pulls Seungcheol closer to him to give Jun more personal space. The last thing Jun needs is to feel he’s being invaded once again. “Are you sure we can’t visit even just once a week? It doesn’t have to be all of us, if you want you can pick a member who can have visit you.” 

Jun almost laughs, finding the suggestion ridiculous. Pick a member? To what? To put into danger? “No thanks. You all should focus on your work, hm? That way when I can perform with you guys you can all teach me everything I missed.” 

”Hyung,” Minghao calls out, fighting to not make his frustration evident in his voice. “You’re gonna be alone here for a month if you don’t let us in. We’ll make sure you’re safe.” 

“But it’s you who won’t be safe,” Jun replies immediately with a tinge of anger in his voice. “I don’t want to happen to you what happened to me. Coups hyung, you understand me right? Everything is dangerous right now, which means it’s best for all of us to stay low.” 

“We can move to another hospital, Junnie,” Seungcheol rationalizes weakly.

Seungcheol is pushing it at the back of his head. The idea of leaving Jun alone here is painful, which is why he is trying to consider all possible options before making the call. But Jun is right. At least, for the most part. It’s so obvious that Jun is speaking through pain, which is why he’s being distant. But he can’t blame the younger, no matter how he badly wants to shake Jun out of the irrationality and tell him they aren’t leaving him alone. 

But he needs to weigh the consequences of all the options. The decision Jun is suggesting is irrational, to not accept visitors for his entire stay here. Whether Jun likes to admit it or not, the decision isn’t only coming from his fear to put the other members in danger. It’s also coming from his desire to just be left alone. God, how many times has he fallen to that abyss. It’s incredibly easy to want to be alone because the effects of being alone aren’t felt immediately because nothing bothers you except your thoughts, which are enough to drown you in pain. But withholding the pain to himself will hurt Jun more in the long run. Seungcheol had carried enough burden all by himself that he finally reached the breaking point. The skies know he doesn’t want that to happen to any of his members. 

Jun shakes his head. “And then what? For more sasaengs to get inside my room and take pictures of me? No, hyung. Besides, it’s dangerous. Maybe they won’t sneak inside my room but they’ll follow you home instead. That would be worse. All of us know that.” 

The weight of the situation and his words hurt them more than Jun knows. They’ve never heard him speak like that before, so much frustration, fear, and anger combined that they all manage to finally shine through his eyes that were emotionless earlier. 

“Please...” the brown orbs soften, plead clear in his voice. “Just go. I’m tired and sleepy and you guys are too.” 

Minghao is about to argue once again, determination blazing in his eyes as he proceeds to step forward but Seungcheol holds him back. “Okay, we’ll be leaving today. I just want you to do me a favor. Have us all of us come here tomorrow, hm? We’ll just spend time with you and then we’ll go. We will just call you on the phone or text you.” 

Jun could feel irritation in his veins. “Hyung,” he pleads. “Sasaengs just came here and you want to come here tomorrow? This should not be approved by the manager.” 

“We’ll come as soon as you got transferred to a room, or a hospital, or wherever you want. We will come once and that’s it. We just have to be complete. We made a promise, remember? When we have problems we have to decide together. But we’re respecting your decision, it’s just everyone needs to hear it. ” Jihoon answers. Being friends with the leader for so many years, he knows exactly why he’s negotiating with Jun. If everybody else will show up, there will be more chances for Jun to rethink his decision. 

A nurse walks in, a tray of medicines in here hand. “Excuse me, the patient needs to take his meds.” 

“Look, you’re all tired,” Jun looks at them with a tone that expresses finality. “I am too. All of you have been working so hard and you had to check on me. I can take care of myself, hyungs. You know that.” 

“We know, Jun-ah. We know,” Seungcheol and Jihoon pat his head with sad expression on their faces, hugging him and then walking away. Minghao tells them he’ll follow them too. The two leaders look at each other in silent understand and they quickly step out the room with heavy hearts. 

Jun looks at the remaining member questioningly, but deep inside he knows what Minghao will tell him. He just doesn’t want to hear it. Minghao sits on the chair by the bed, holding Jun’s hand tight in his and tugs it to force him to look at him. 

”Ge…” he whispers, exhaustion evident in his entire body. His shoulders are slumped, his hair is messy, the clothes he has on tells Jun he hastily threw them on before heading to the hospital, and his eyes show utter defeat as they slightly swell from being teary-eyed. He hates seeing him like this. The last time he saw the younger like this was when they were trainees. 

”Why are you doing this?” Minghao looks at him with unidentifiable emotions in his eyes that intimidate Jun enough for him to want to look away. But he doesn’t back down because he needs Minghao to know how important his decision is. 

”Because I care about all you, that’s why,” Jun answers immediately. They don’t know what it feels like to be attacked like that even though there was no intention of attacking. But every second of last night felt like daggers thrown to every single part of his body. At the same time, he felt naked last night. He was stripped off of everything he could call his personal space. They don’t know what that feels and Jun will do whatever it takes for that to stay that way. 

”It’s only gonna be for a month or so Minghao. Maybe even less,” he reasons out. “The doctor and I talked and he said if I continue recovering well I can come out in less than two months. If you want us to discuss my decision with the company, they would understand me.” 

”Every decision was supposed to be made together,” Minghao answers angrily. “We promised that to each other.” 

”Not if the decision can be only made by someone who experienced the situation. I’m doing this to protect you guys. Whether Coups hyung wants to admit it or not, he knows I have a point. The others will understand, and I know you will too.” 

When he doesn’t get a reply from the younger he continues, “It’s not like you guys won’t see me for a year. We can still talk over the phone. I just don’t want you guys to be here, that’s it. Xu Minghao…please. Don’t be stubborn right now, okay? For once, follow me as the older one. Please.” 

It physically pains Jun to tell him that, but it’s necessary for him to say that. He knows the younger like the back of his hand. When Minghao is passionate at something, like the way he paints or draws, he does not stop until things turn out the way his heart is telling him. But now is not the time to listen to their hearts. Jun knows that he needs to be rational for the rest of his recovery, regardless if he has to push his members away and hurt their feelings. 

Out of the blue, a memory of his childhood flashes in his memory. As a child actor, Jun isn’t unfamiliar with shedding tears. He didn’t cry often as a child, even when he got hurt. But of course, there will be instances as a child that would make you shed tears and maybe even throw a tantrum. Jun was taught that sadness and anger are emotions and they weren’t meant to be suppressed. 

Of course, Jun was only able to push his way through debut by suppressing his negative emotions to keep his dream and passion alive. But it was even before he was a trainee when he learned the importance of sacrificing your emotions to achieve something greater and more important. 

It was during school. He and his classmates had to play dodgeball. He was the tallest in his team and all his teammates were on the weaker side of playing sports. The opposing team had some of the active kids and their average height all together was quite tall. As a child, he felt discouraged but being Wen Junhui, he didn’t find his teammates at fault. However, he was disappointed at being at the disadvantage. 

The first game ends and of course, his team lost. The ball was directed to him so many times that as the game was nearing to its end he couldn’t help but flinch and close his eyes. They all sit on the bleachers for a rest and nearby were a bunch of rowdy boys who were all upperclassmen. To Jun, all seniors looked cool in his eyes, which is why he stares at them fascinated for a moment because he goes back to silently sulking. A boy from the upperclassmen suddenly sits beside him with a friendly smile. 

”You look sad,” the older boy looks at him with no judgment. 

Young Jun decides to be honest. “We lost. And we will surely lose again.” 

”Were you scared of the ball?” The boy asks. 

”Normally, I’m not scared of the ball. But they kept giving it to me and I just…” he pouts. 

”You felt overwhelmed?” the boy asks. 

”Y-Yeah, overwhelmed. I couldn’t think properly when they kept throwing it at me.” 

”And so you felt afraid?” 

”Y-Yeah.” He doesn’t know why all of a sudden he’s embarrassed that he was afraid. He’s not shy, he’s embarrassed. 

”Hey, come on, don’t be embarrassed. I was scared of the ball too when I was younger.” 

Jun looks at him, bewildered. This senior is one of the most skilled athletes in his school. He could play any sport! 

”I was really, really scared of the ball before. Every time I see the ball coming my way I couldn’t move. I would just close my eyes. I just felt so scared.” 

”And what made you not scared anymore?” 

”I realized that there are times I have to put fear behind me, you know? Sometimes I need to keep my eyes wide open no matter how scared I am.” 

  
  


”Ge,” Minghao’s voice pulls him out of his quicksand of thoughts. “I know you’re afraid. But you don’t have to be afraid by yourself.” 

Jun smiles sadly at him, hand on his cheek. “I’m doing this so you have nothing to be afraid of.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I wish I update this fast all the time. Two days left before semicolon and I am freaking out. Let's not forget to support the boys! Hope you liked this chapter! It's been my goal to make my chapters longer but I just can't. Also, I'm afraid that if I force the story to stretch out really long the chapter might now flow smoothly. But I'll try my best to pack as much as stories and feels as I can in a single chapter. Hope you're all doing well. Love u all.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The members pay a visit and are greeted by a sight that makes the truth and reality in itself more regretful than it already is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: Panic attack is included in the story. Read at your own risk.

As soon as the members leave, he spends the next hour talking to the doctor. Panic attack is the term for what happened to him last night, the doctor told him. When fear overwhelms a person and it becomes hard to overcome. When anxiety and panic combines and it devours a person’s entire system. As he listens to the doctor, he isn’t quite shocked by the revelation. He knows what happened last night was beyond normal. Even when the doctor repeats a few times he shouldn’t beat himself up over reacting that way as his panic attack was completely beyond his control. He listens to the doctor when he tells him he isn’t exaggerating his emotions and fear and anxiety combined, overflowing, and spiraling is all reasonable considering what happened to him. 

The doctor apologizes too. For what, Jun doesn’t know. After all, his doctor did check up on him early in the evening yesterday and informed him he was going home early for the day. There was no way his doctor is at fault. Even if he’s here, he wouldn’t have stopped those women from entering. Jun knows there’s no use on dwelling on the past. He just needs to move forward. Move forward and recover damn fast. 

The hour after that consists of him contemplating if he’s gonna turn on his phone. He doesn’t have much clue what’s happening in their dorms at the moment. The boys probably met together in one of the two dorms to discuss his decision. All of them will be disheartened, Jun knows that for certain. But he hopes at least many of them will agree so when tomorrow comes and they all barge in to discuss the whole situation, he has many people on his side. 

He’s not stupid, goodness sake. Jun knows why Coups hyung and Woozi wanted the others to visit him, even if it’s just for _one last time_. He can already imagine the scenario. The oldest will enter the room first, with Jeonghan leading the group. He and Joshua will be the assigned sweet-talkers. They’ll try to convince him he’s being irrational and he doesn’t need to take drastic measures. _Unless,_ at least one of them understands his reasoning and decides to respect his decision. Then the members with the same age as his will be the next to greet him in bed. Soonyoung will probably take the lead, but Wonwoo will have the last say that represents the entire age line anyway since he’s the one who understands him the most. And then Seok, Hao, and Mingyu would come next. He’ll probably have a five minute hug from Dokyeom first before Hao and Mingyu engulf them in an embrace for a shorter while. 

_Minghao_. His heart aches just remember Hao’s face earlier. He had the face of losing hope, but at the same time his passion and determination are swimming in his eyes that tell him he’s not planning to give up anytime soon. Jun knows he was harsh earlier. He was being inconsiderate of their feelings. But they don’t know where he’s coming from. Several times have they taken great measures to swerve from the direction of sasaengs, but surely not even one of them thought this would happen to him. Out of all the times this could happen to them, it had to be a time when he’s alone, weak, and helpless. 

Lastly, the maknae line would greet him with Seungkwan and Chan just hugging the heck out of him with of course the former doing so with a pout. Vernon would understand him, he knows that for sure. He will share his perspective with the other two and they’ll understand. 

If life wants to make things easier for him for once, the managers or the company will agree with his decision. Then, Seungcheol won’t have to be angry if he understands Jun as well. He’ll just probably discuss things with the company regarding his decision of not taking visitors for his entire stay in the hospital. Of course, he really needs to talk to the others anyway. They will have to discuss whether or not they should release the incident as news or announcement. It’s not a grave crime anyway, at least not in this country. The doctor told him they would have to pay a fine to him and all devices or gadgets they brought with them will be taken from them and disposed completely. 

A shiver immediately runs through Jun’s body. Every time he thinks about those two women seeing him at his most vulnerable state and documenting it as if he’s an artifact or relic, his mind darkens with thoughts and immediately he feels anger, fear, and anxiousness all at once. He then stares at the ceiling, a sigh escaping his lips. He will be transferring to another suite in an hour two. He was also informed that he’s going to have a bodyguard posted by his door. Being the shy and embarrassed Jun, he almost said it’s not necessary. But the anxiety and fear hasn’t completely left his system yet and Jun was smart enough to approve. He’s not gonna take a risk. Not anymore. 

He doesn’t know what to expect if he opens his phone. His best guess is there will be no messages in their group chat and he is flooded with private messages instead. He will have to recall every single thing that happened, even if he knows the members won’t demand for a recap. However, he knows they deserve explanations at least. He doesn’t have to story tell the entire thing, he’ll say the main idea and they’ll understand him. They will leave him alone and they will be safer at home. 

He needs to face the music soon, though. He already talked to his family using a phone that belongs to a hospital staff because again, he doesn’t want to read anything from the members just yet. The conversation with his family was another, long round of crying from his family members. But he comforted his parents and his crying younger brother that they didn’t do anything bad to him. He was left unharmed, only scared. Really scared. 

Most importantly, he needs to apologize to his visitors a while ago. They were trying to comfort him and he pushed them away. He was so…tired and he didn’t want to think about anything earlier that he just pushed them away. However, at the back of his head he knows they weren’t supposed to be here. Things are unexpected now. As they are becoming more well-known, they are becoming more appealing to fans that just want them all for themselves. He wishes he made the others understand his side more, but every word he articulated with them earlier brings him back to memories of last night. 

Hao has probably left him a message. Or maybe lots of messages. Surely, Wonwoo too. Joshua will probably save his words for tomorrow. Woozi, too. The others, it depends on how they take it. Seungkwan will probably send a message that starts with him confessing his love for his hyung and how he promises him he’s going to be okay and that he’s not alone in this fight. Wonwoo will send him a simple, concise message that is not dramatic but also not indifferent, something like they will talk tomorrow and he should sleep well.

Sleepiness start to wash over him but he doesn’t bother going back to sleep. He’s going to be transferred to another hospital room and needs to be wide awake for that. He stares at his phone for a solid minute before he thinks, _fuck it_. He switches his phone on and braces for the incoming notifications to greet him. He takes it as a good sign when he doesn’t hear much dings from his phone. He doesn’t want to reply to the messages though, as not everybody sent him a private message like he guessed. 

_I’m alright you don’t have to worry about me_

He watches the a few members see his message but nobody replies immediately. He decides to send another message. 

_I just need rest. You guys need lots of rest too_

_so I’ll see u all tomorrow_

The phone shows ten people have seen his message and Jun hopes no one prolongs the conversation any further and simply tells him a bunch of get well’s and see you tomorrow’s, with one or two ‘i love you’ from other members. He can’t help it, though, and opens Hao’s chat that is typed in Chinese.

_we’ll talk tomorrow ge. You can’t push us out, okay?_

_ge we want what’s best for you so listen to us as well._

_you might be sleeping. Please don’t forget to eat your meals._

_call me when you want to talk okay. You can tell me anything._

Another message was sent but he notices it was sent fifteen minutes after the previous messaged which have been sent immediately after the other.

_I miss you ge. Please take care._

He doesn’t see it coming but tears start forming in his eyes, his heart growing heavy in size. He is so caught up in his own pain and exhaustion that he’s becoming distant from them, especially from Hao who was supposed to be his forever partner in this foreign country. He shouldn’t have pushed them so hard when they just want to show him he isn’t alone.

_I miss you too_

_I’ll see you all tomorrow_

  
  


The next morning he wakes up from the sunlight outside in a room as spacious as his old room. His doctors walks in with his nurse which is a new sight, but he remembers their conversation last night after he was transferred to the new room. The doctor strongly recommends for him to meet a psychologist or a psychiatrist. What is important is that he is informed more regarding what has happened and he can simply come in to either of the doctors for a counselling or therapy. 

According to his doctor his panic attack lasted for about six minutes before he started calming down. But it didn’t mean he was fully settled because the nurses had to guard him and hold him down for a few minutes during and after the panic attack. He was thrashing at the beginning but when the women were out of sight his body was only shaking and sweating. 

It was obvious he didn’t know what was happening and he didn’t know how to control it because as he was finding difficulty breathing, he unintentionally squeezed his neck tight. The nurses had to call for more people to release his hands. Then his hands clutched each other’s arms and gripped so hard and so tight. After that he was left wide-eyed after the panic attack and eventually fell asleep after being given water. 

He has no recollection of the complete experience. He didn’t realize the he did all those things. He remembers the overflowing fear in his system. He remembers the sweating and shaking. He remembers tearing up and seeing the two women escape the room. He doesn’t remember squeezing his neck. He remembers he felt like he was choking. As if someone was gripping his neck tightly and forbidding him to breathe. He looks at his arm and winces, a couple of bruises and scratches he apparently gave to himself. He vividly recalls the faces of the two women and their sickly sweet and words. Every time Jun remembers their voices and faces his hands start to shake and heartbeat starts to quicken. 

He isn’t being pressured to visit a psychiatrist or psychologist but his doctor tells him he truly recommends it. He’ll be counselled for a while, which the middle-aged man adds is composed of 50% serious discussion and 50% casual talk. He remembers the few times he listens to his Coups hyung stories on talking to his doctor who he thought was intimidating at first, but actually genuine and caring. 

He remembers the times all of them talked about taking care of their mental health and how important it is for them to acknowledge their need for help if they need it. Jun knows that if he truly wants to make a recovery, it’s not just about his healing concussion but his currently messed up mind as well, which is why he says yes to a visit to the psychologist. 

The afternoon sunlight brightens and heats up his room as he completely sets the curtains aside. He’s currently sitting on his couch after walking around the room for a little bit of exercises when worry starts form in his stomach. The boys told him they’ll be here but he has already eaten lunch and they are nowhere to be found. 

Has something happened? Are they currently having a meeting in the company or are they talking amongst to themselves back at his dorm? Did they think coming here is a waste of time? 

Jun internally slaps himself at the last thought. He shouldn’t be thinking so lowly of his members, his family. He shut them out yesterday but he knows deep down, they will forgive him. He knows some of the members are annoyed at him or angry but he believes that years of being together won’t be erased by a single mistake. Jun needs to apologize, first of all. Should he call them? 

No, no. He needs to apologize to them first before he casually talks to them and he would like to do it personally. God, times like this truly make him want to simply run out of the hospital, catch a taxi and just go home to throw himself on the bed he very much misses. 

He’s still in medication for his head, but the doctors have lowered the dosage. However, he was informed that a panic attack can make his head ache if the panic persists in tinges in his system. So far, as he slept all throughout the day, he isn’t feeling headache yet. Just the occasional sleepiness that he would like to push away if he wants to apologize to his members and talk to them. 

As much as he wants to apologize, his mind isn’t going to change anytime soon. Visiting him is not worth the risk of being stalked by sasaengs. He is recovering anyway so in time they can see him back at their home. He knows why they are disapproving, of course. For every member that has gotten sick or injured, everyone else found time to visit him. With no failure all of them took it upon themselves to cheer up or support a member that needs to recover from something. And here he is pushing that support away. But that’s because the situation at the present. His members can scream at him or get mad at him but they’re gonna have to wait for him to come home before they see his face. 

_What if…_ What if a sasaeng has already caught them on the way here? 

Jun knows he’s being paranoid. God, he wishes that was only the case. But who knows how for how long those girls were staying at the hospital and looking out for him? How many times could they have possibly seen the disguised members come and go from the front door of the hospital? 

_Oh, God, please no. Please no._

Suddenly he hears the creak of a door opening. He jumps up in his seat and turns around, ready for the worst. _Oh._

Minghao stands in front of the small crowd entering the room, looking at him questioningly. Beside him is Seungcheol who looks at him with the same question. Slowly, their curious expressions turn concerned as they survey the member’s shaken state before them. 

”Jun hyung,” Hao begins, clearly not knowing what to say. “A-Are you okay?” 

”Why are you crying?” Cheol asks him, walking towards him slowly. “Junnie, why are you crying? Is something wrong?” 

Behind them are the others whispering among themselves, asking questions he can’t hear but is probably the same with the leader’s inquiries. He remains frozen in his position, eyes switching from the person he misses the most to the person that he’s always admired and respected. 

Coups seems unsure if he can hug Jun but Minghao takes the shot and heads to Jun. “Jun hyung, what happened?” 

When Jun’s chest starts to visibly heave as the tears coming out increase in space, Hao couldn’t take it anymore and hugs him. The hug is tight and a small part of Jun is concerned it may take the oxygen out of him but the warmth he has been needing desperately overpowers that fear. He hugs Hao and cries. His cries ranges from whispered, rattling cries to hyperventilating wails muffled by the other’s shoulder. 

”What’s wrong, Jun hyung?” Hao couldn’t help but ask as he grows increasingly worried and scared by the second. 

”You’re okay,” he hears in a shaky whisper. “You’re all okay, oh God, you’re all okay…”

Hao wants to pull away for a short while to ask him properly but Jun doesn’t let go. His arms are tightly wound around his slender frame with his hands clutching his thick sweater. His face is buried in his neck and he does not seem to show signs of stopping anytime soon. 

Jun pulls away, eyes wide and crying. “You guys are okay.” 

”Of course, we’re okay. What are you talking about, Jun-ah?” Seungcheol asks quiety, eyebrows furrowed and lips in a thin line as he looks at him with the rest of the members solemn. 

”I-I thought… I thought something happened,” Jun answers shakily. “Y-You guys were taking…so long and I couldn’t h-help it. I-I thought something…happened.” 

Coups’ shoulders slouch in weakness as he pulls him for an embrace, his hand rubbing his back comfortingly. “We’re okay, Jun-ah. We’re okay. See? All of us are here. Calm down, calm down.” 

The older pulls away as he coos at him, hands rubbing both of his arms. “Take a deep breath, relax for me please. Nothing is wrong, I promise.” 

”But you guys were taking…s-so long,” Jun reasons out, still shaking in front of his members. “I was waiting for you guys since a while ago. What happened? W-Why were you taking so long?” 

Jeonghan steps out from the small, clustered group the rest of them instinctively formed for comfort as they watch Jun cry. “We’re sorry, Jun-ah. We wanted to go quickly but we still needed to talk with the manager and the staff. We’re sorry, Junnie. I’m sorry.” He pulls Jun for a hug, his hand finding the back of his head to tap on it softly a few times before it settles on his back and rubs it to calm him down.

”H-Hyung,” Seungkwan musters up the courage to speak up as fear pools in his chest. “Don’t cry. All of us are here already and we brought your favorite food so don’t cry. We’re sorry we couldn’t come early, you were waiting for us for so long, huh, hyung,” 

”D-Don’t do it again,” his Jun hyung replies, looking at him while still engulfed in Jeonghan’s warmth. Seungkwan wants to cry after hearing his needy and weak reply but he clutches Vernon’s hand tight instead, his other hand around Soonyoung’s back as he feels the older’s body shake while resisting the urge to cry as well. Vernon clutches his hand back tightly as he feels Mingyu’s long arm wrap around his shoulders.

The choreography decides to speak instead. “Jun-ah, we won’t do it again, promise. We promise we’ll come early next time.” 

Jun shakes his head, pulling away and looking at Soonyoung while wiping his tears away only in a manner children would do. Soonyoung’s heart weakens a bit more. “Just don’t break your promises, that’s all.” 

”You guys should have texted me,” Jun pouts, his chest settling into a normal breathing pattern.

”We’re sorry, Jun-ah,” Shua steps in, pulling away Jun’s hand from his eyes to stop his harsh rubbing. He wipes his tears for him. “We thought you were still asleep so we didn’t text you. Don’t be mad at us, please?” 

He shakes his head immediately. “I’m not mad! I’m not mad,” he repeats it in a much softer tone. “I was just worried. I don’t know what happened to me, I’m sorry. Everything is wrong and I’m a mess, I’m sorry I-” 

Shua hugs him tight. “Hey, hey, don’t cry again, please. Jun-ah, we’re not mad at you okay. We’re not mad at you. You did nothing wrong, okay?”

”I-I’m sorry,” another cry erupts from Jun once again as his eyes meet with Seungcheol and then with Jihoon. Memories of yesterday start flashing in his mind and he feels bad and regretful for the nth time. 

”We aren’t mad, Jun-ah,” Seungcheol answers, his arms around Jeonghan’s shoulders as they all watch Jun cry around Joshua’s embrace. “I know you meant well. I’m not mad, promise.” 

”No one’s mad at you, Jun-ah,” Wonwoo slides in. “We understand where you’re coming from.” 

”Please stop crying,” Hao whispers as he watches Jun cry in his Shua hyung’s arms. “Nothing happened to us, so stop crying.” 

Without notice the sunlight that greeted Jun this morning fades as the sun hides behind thick and dark clouds. The sky rumbles and the rain pours outside as coldness seeps through the cracks and corners of the room. Everybody is protected by the roof from the rain but nothing shields them away from the sight of Jun crying – their member whose smile and spirit once competed with the brightness of the sun. 

  
  


They all squeeze themselves in the living area that couldn’t accommodate thirteen people. But none of them minds as they are squeezed by the other, finding comfort and warmth from everybody’s presence. Jun’s head rests on Hao’s shoulder with Seungkwan sitting beside him and patting his knee for comfort. At the center of their circle are take-outs long forgotten. 

”The doctor said it was a panic attack,” Jun speaks without warning that disrupts the silence of the room. “He said it happens when someone gets really scared and panicked and they can’t control it. He also said I can get better, I just need to meet a psychologist. I said yes.” 

”That’s good, hyung,” Seungkwan says under his breath. “We’re gonna support you every step of the way, of course. You know that right?” 

”Of course,” Jun replies meekly. “I’m sorry I didn’t reply to the ones who texted me last night. I wanted to but I thought it’s better to talk to you guys in person. I’m sorry I pushed you guys away last night.” 

”No one’s angry, Jun-ah,” Woozi tells him from the couch he’s squeezed into. “We understand you were only thinking about us. Actually, we took long this morning was because we discussed that you have a point.” 

”The company decides that you made the right call,” Seungcheol says. “I don’t like your decision but in the situation we are in it’s for the best.” 

”Yeah?” Jun asks. “You guys mean it? Because I can’t be scared every time I wait for you guys to come here. Like earlier… I can’t be like that. I still don’t know how to control it. The doctor said it’s possible that it was just a one-time thing but it happened today because I was waiting for you all.” 

His voice is low that becomes shaky in some of the words he utters and the members are all the more convinced that Jun can’t go through what happened earlier every time they’re coming for a visit. 

”It’s hard because there is this irrational fear I don’t know where it’s coming from-“

”It’s not irrational, Junnie. Panic attack happen to some people because they have irrational fears but in your case, you weren’t being irrational,” Jeonghan cuts him off gently. “You were paranoid because something happened to you, so you were worried about us. You weren’t being unreasonable, okay Junnie?” 

Jun replies a soft “yes” with a nod but he looks at his fidgeting hands. Jeonghan follows where Jun is looking and immediately he notices a couple of long scratches on both of his lower arms. Jun feels his eyes on him and immediately states, “The scratches were an accident. They said it could be unconscious. It’s not painful, you don’t have to worry, Hannie hyung.” 

Jeonghan feels his heart constrict at both the sight and the answer. “You will tell us every time you visit the psychologist, right? You can text any of us, just make sure we stay updated.” 

”Yeah, I won’t forget. I promise.” 

As minutes pass and they all look at Jun, Seungkwan and Dokyeom are almost giving in to their desire to cry. They push it back down of course. If they cry Jun will be comforting them and they’ll cry a bit more because their hyung is already going through so much and yet his selflessness still makes him put others before him. The more quiet members simply look at him in regret. All of them have immediately accepted the reality in front of them but nothing takes away the anger that this was all caused by a drunk man and made worse by entitled fans.

Silence once again settles in the atmosphere but there is no awkwardness at all. There are times when they get together for a relaxing day in one of the dorms and the silence becomes therapeutic for all of them. Each other’s presence is enough when they are together and this one is certainly one of those countless moments. However, there is poignancy which makes the silence less comforting and more melancholic. They feel each other’s sadness and consume the low spirit of the room. 

Of course when everybody is simply basking in the poignant and melancholic atmosphere does Jun’s stomach growl in hunger. In a total of three seconds, the room erupts into laughter as they watch Jun’s face redden in embarrassment. 

Beneath the many layers of sadness, bitterness, and regret, at the back of their heads they are all aware that the core of Jun’s soul lies with the innocence and purity he is capable of. Surely Jun isn’t at his best as of the moment, no one is always consistently at the top anyway, but he isn’t so far away. He needs someone to tug him back to earth as he floats farther and farther in his own thoughts and troubles but they can still reach him. He isn’t as unreachable as the moon yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO home;run has been my go to wake up song just because it forces me out of the bed for my 7 am class. The entire album is so good and I hope everyone is streaming and helping in their own ways. 
> 
> What do you guys think about this chapter? As always, feedback is welcomed. Love you all and stay safe.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Apart from migraines, internal worries and paranoia, and trips to the rooftop garden, nothing interesting has been happening in Jun's normal routine. Of course, things take an interesting turn when his mind and heart decides to think about a certain someone.

Jun has been living in the hospital for two weeks, enduring nights where he finds himself staring at the door expecting someone to sneak inside. He is also trying to be more honest about what he’s feeling to the members but for the most part those who know about 100% of his worries and fears are the members whose ages are same as his and Minghao. 

Hoshi even made their group chat his exclusive freedom wall to integrate his tiger madness. Gone is the normal “good morning” greeting and all Jun reads every morning upon waking up is “Horanghae” sent with five different emojis. To have it the first thing he sees every morning doesn’t fail to make him smile, but if Jun is being honest to himself, the message from a certain somebody is what truly keeps him going. 

The headaches came back and the pain could range from slowly growing in size to a sudden full-blown attack in his head. It irritates Jun every single time but the get-well messages he gets from Minghao serve as a balm for his aching head and heavy heart. This morning he wakes up with Hao’s simple message beating Soonyoung’s energetic morning greeting with a private message that is very much Hao-like. 

_Today isn’t that busy. We’ll go to the company after lunch._

_How about you what are you up to? ___

Jun doesn’t bother controlling the wide grin on his face as the nurse he became quite close with enters the room with a smile that cannot defeat the brightness of his face.

____

_maybe i’ll go to the garden later_

____

_u should sleep more Hao-hao. try to sleep again_

____

”I take it you had a great sleep?” The nurse asks, fixing the sheets around him and checking the scratches and bruises on his arm that have healed well. 

____

Jun recalls last night and how he almost slipped into another panic attack again if it wasn’t for the bodyguard entering the door to inform him another bodyguard will be replacing him for the entire night. It comforted him when he is reminded by the man that someone is outside his door. He didn’t immediately calm down, of course. He went through a couple minutes of breathing techniques before he tells himself it’s safe for him to sleep. 

____

”No,” Jun answers finally. “Still not calm at night. My…uh, members comfort me a lot, though.” ”All of you seem very close,” she comments. 

____

His phone dings with a notification. _You should have your breakfast now ge. We’re having your favorite right now. Mingyu bought too many peppers. I’ll call you later okay? ___

______ _ _

”I’ll be in a really bad place without them,” Jun answers with a wider grin.  
  


______ _ _

Days after the sasaeng attack, Jun kept himself mostly to his room. However, he will be walking with his bodyguard to the garden because if he locks himself in his room he’s going to be, as what Seokmin said and Jun quotes, “paler than Snow White in the ugliest way possible.” And so Jun treads quietly with worry to the elevator that would lead him to the rooftop garden. At the very back of his head is the constant reminder that someone probably has their eyes on him now and would later follow him to his hospital room. But Jun immediately stops the growing thought and reminds him the conversation he had on the phone last night. 

______ _ _

_Junnie, I won’t lie, the easiest way is to just lock yourself in your room and wait until everything gets better. But it doesn’t get better that way. I learned it the hard way when I set aside the worry I felt so many times before until it grew into something that I needed a doctor to solve. The hardest way to overcome your fear is to face it little by little. Hyung really feels sorry he can’t be there for you. You know you can call me anytime ri- wait, Myung-ho wants to tell you something.”_

______ _ _

“Jun hyung, I mean, Jun ge, every time you feel that the outside is too much you can quickly go to you room. But try not to overwhelm yourself too much from the start so you don’t feel really scared when you leave your room. And bring your phone with you at all times so when you got bored looking at the flowers and talking to your kiddie friends you can play games on your phone or watch Tiktok videos because you like those – I don’t know why – or just flood the chat with messages. Promise we’ll reply to everything you said after the practice. Here’s Coups hyung again.” 

______ _ _

”Coups hyung,” Jun says. “Is Myungho okay? He sounds weird. Why is rambling?” 

______ _ _

”You mean he sounds like a parent sending a child off to college, that’s what,” Coups answers airily. “He’s been like this after we last paid you a visit. Mingyu has been complaining every morning how he would nag at anything he could find every time they hang out together.” 

______ _ _

Jun smiles at the words from the two members, with the words of Minghao making him laugh last night. The way he said and rushed his words sounded like he is teaching a child not to talk to a stranger or to look both ways before crossing a street. 

______ _ _

He is still lost in his thoughts when two small people run to his legs with giggling smiles. He looks down and sees Minjae and Mina with their hands clutching his legs with smiles that are as bright as Dokyeom’s. 

______ _ _

”Jun oppa!” Mina screams, “You’re here! You’re here!” 

______ _ _

”What took you so long?” Minjae asks. “Did you get really sick? Did your head hurt a lot?” 

______ _ _

”We’ve been waiting for you! We thought you went home without telling us goodbye!” The little girl pouts at him which is immediately followed by her older brother’s assertive nod. 

______ _ _

”Hey kids,” their mother, Mary, walks towards them with a smile. “Let Jun answer your questions one by one. How about give him some of the bread you bought?” 

______ _ _

That distracts them enough to give Jun space as Jun follows the running children with his bodyguard in tow, telling him he’ll be a few feet away from him to give him space. Mary walks towards him with a motherly smile. “I read the announcement of your agency on the news. I am sorry this happened.” 

______ _ _

He shrugs his shoulders. “I’ve been thinking why it happened to me too, Noona. I just really have to accept it and go on with life. I have a bodyguard though, it makes me feel a bit awkward…you know me…but I need it. I’m sorry I couldn’t meet with you here.” 

______ _ _

”You don’t have to apologize. I completely understand, but don’t hesitate to come up here and talk to us if want to clear some of your thoughts,” she says, handing him a croissant from the package they bought from the café. They all sit down with the two children surrounding him, obviously having missed his presence from all the days he refused to get out of his room. 

______ _ _

”Child, we can meet here at the garden if you want to,” the old man, Sanghoon, in the wheelchair suddenly tells him with a smile. “I don’t understand what you kids are up to these days but I can help with problems and adulthood. My aching knees are evidence for that.” 

______ _ _

”I don’t want to be a bother, thank you,” Jun laughs embarrassingly. 

______ _ _

”Suit yourself,” Sanghoon shrugs his shoulder. “You’ll know where to find me. Have more bread, the children brought too much with chocolate and I don’t like very sweet food.” 

______ _ _

The bright day descends into the sunset when Jun feels the migraine he’s been enduring for the past hour grow into a pain he can no longer mask. Mary and Sanghoon notices this and the latter orders him to get back to his room for a rest. Jun follows the older as respect but for the most part obeys as he can no longer open his eyes properly. He doesn’t forget giving the kids a hug and a promise that they’ll see each other next time. Jun exchanges numbers with Mary with a laugh despite the pain when Mina tells him they plan to call him next time before they arrive at the hospital so he can prepare for their arrival. 

______ _ _

”Thank you for guarding me,” Jun says to the man walking behind him with hands steady by his sides. 

______ _ _

”It’s no problem, sir,” the bodyguard replies with a small smile. 

____Jun tries to return the smile and does so while squinting his eyes as the migraine. He looks away and stares straight at the fluorescent light by the ceiling and feels his migraine increase in severity. His steps quicken to his room with the bodyguard rushing to open the door ahead of him. Jun mutters a quick ‘thank you’ before sitting on the bed and taking the meds for his migraine._ _ _ _

______ _ _

Jun has been informed this would happen but the way migraines begin do not fail to annoy him. Every migraine would lead him to negative thoughts, from how all of this started, how it became worse because of the sasaengs, and to how it ended up with him striving to accept everything that happened in his life in just a span of two weeks. 

______ _ _

He hasn’t had it easy ever since he decided to become a child actor and then a trainee. When he was younger he knew things would become more difficult when he flew to South Korean in hopes of making his dreams a reality. But after the debut and when they were gaining the recognition he knew they deserved, he thought things would get easier. As he looks around at the room he will be living in for a few more, he questions how did his choices lead up to this: a recovering patient from a severe concussion who is having panic attacks and needs professional help to overcome them. 

______ _ _

Ever since he and the rest decided to announce to the public about the sasaeng incident, he has been cautious on checking his social media. He no longer visits Twitter to post selfies, heck he cannot remember the last time he took a selfie, to Weverse to read the daily conversations of the members, or even to Weibo to read posts from fans. He has a dozen of messages he received after the announcement of the accident which he replied to, but those messages doubled in number upon the announcement of the sasaeng attack. 

______ _ _

Jun is thankful that he’s job made him good at controlling his emotions, but hearing Mary mention the announcement downed his spirit earlier. Hearing it from the members, people from the company, his family and friends, and his fellow idols is one thing, but to hear it from someone simply looking through the news is another. It should not be of much difference, he is aware, but it reminds him how publicized his life has become since the car accident. 

______ _ _

He doesn’t let it show to anybody but he is angry, God, he is angry. It’s unfair to him and his members that he became a victim of a reckless driver and then of sasaengs. It tires Jun out as he asks himself every single night why does it have to be him but he knows he will never get the answer. 

______ _ _

In life, there are questions left unanswered and the people are left to go along the revolution of Earth because life moves forward. It doesn’t matter how stuck we have become in the past of in an event that caused people pain; life moves forward and the people should too. 

______ _ _

Jun imagines that maybe in the future when he is older he will get the answer he is looking for. It might take a long time before that answer comes to him, but the thought is enough compensation to silence his thoughts for a little bit. He can spend countless nights as much as he wants but he knows he shouldn’t lock himself in a cage full of questions. He has people counting on him on recovering. He knows the members are still in the company, dancing and singing their hearts out just like they should, just like _he_ should be doing. But life has other plans for him.

______ _ _

A notification from his phone cuts his long string of thoughts. 

______ _ _

_Ge we’re going to eat dinner before we practice for a little more. You should eat early too so you can sleep earlier. Did you take your meds? ___

________ _ _ _ _

_u guys have been working really hard, huh? i’m supposed to be there with u all. don’t worry i’m getting better. i just had some bread. really good croissants. i already took my morning meds. i’ll take them before i sleep. tell the others to rest well ok?_

________ _ _ _ _

His phone suddenly rings. It’s Seungkwan. 

________ _ _ _ _

_”Moon Junhui! Moon Junhui, how are you doing? What are you up to? Did you watch the movies I told you to watch last night?”_ It’s Dokyeom’s voice that Jun hears on the other side. 

________ _ _ _ _

Together with the younger’s voice is Seungkwan screaming at Dokyeom, telling him he is the one who should be talking to Jun because it’s his phone. 

________ _ _ _ _

He lets out a laugh. “You guys had a good practice, huh?” 

________ _ _ _ _

_”Of course we did! Kwon Soonyoung did it again! But our maknae taught us some steps he made by himself. They’re a lot harder than Soonyoung-ah’s steps! I think Chan forgot we’re older so we can’t just jump the whole time for the first verse. Can you imagine what will we be dancing for the chorus…How ‘bout you, what have you been doing? Did you take a walk around the garden like what Coups hyung and Jeonghan hyung said?_ In the background he hears Soonyoung’s tiger agenda. 

________ _ _ _ _

”I just got back from the rooftop garden. I just needed to take my meds so I came back to my room. Myungho said you’ll eat dinner? Eat well!” 

________ _ _ _ _

_”Yah, Mingyu misses you a lot because he just ordered lots of peppers. Last night my stomach was really bad because the kimchi stew got too spicy because of Mingyu. He said they were imported peppers, as if imported peppers are less spicy, what was he thinking? Anyway, I’ll go now okay? Shua hyung wants to talk to you, SHUA HYUNG!”_

________ _ _ _ _

He hears a few seconds of rustling and screams from the other members before Jisoo’s soothing voice speaks up. _“Jun-ah, how are you?”_

________ _ _ _ _

”I’ve been doing well, hyung.” 

________ _ _ _ _

________ _ _ _ _

_”Have you been eating a lot? The doctor said you can’t eat spicy food all the time when we told him it’s almost all you ever eat, so you should eat what the hospital gives you, okay?”_

________ _ _ _ _

”Yeah, I just had some croissants a while ago. They’re really good. I think I’ll buy some tomorrow.” 

________ _ _ _ _

_”Oh really? That’s good. Croissants are good for you. I really like butter croissants. How abo- oh, Junnie, the food’s here. We’ll eat first, okay? You should eat too. Get some sleep. I’ll be going, okay? Goodbye,”_ Shua’s voice does not fail on calming Jun down, making himself feel better from the uncontrollable automatic negative thoughts he has been thinking about earlier.

________ _ _ _ _

The phone call ends and once again, Jun is left with silence. He stares at the phone for a few seconds, the screen showing Minghao’s text message. He expected to hear Hao to talk to him but immediately sets the thought aside. Hao is not much of a call person. He likes his messages straight and direct, which is why he has only been texting most of the time. Nowadays, Minghao will be calling him at night before he goes to bed but those instances aren’t as frequent as they’re chat messages. 

________ _ _ _ _

_You’re being pathetic,_ Jun scolds himself. A sigh escapes from his chest and he decides to make himself comfortable on the bed while watching a movie on his phone. 

________ _ _ _ _

As the movie starts, the room gets colder as rain pours outside. He doesn’t bother drawing the curtains even though he mostly likes the curtains open to allow the sunlight inside his room. Instead, he increases the temperature of the air conditioner and pulls the blanket higher to his chest. The opening scene rolls but Jun finds himself looking out the window and watching the rain pour. It isn’t as strong and hard as how it has been the past few days but considering how his life has become, Jun can’t help but get into as somber mood once again. 

________ _ _ _ _

Just as the sky darkens, his spirit becomes gloomy along with the clouds outside. As much as he wants to go back to his happy, cheery, and eccentric self, Jun doesn’t bother trying to lift himself up. He allows him to bask in the sadness. One of the many things he has learned over the years is to acknowledge and validate his sadness. He is a foreigner in Korea, successful and with friends who became his family, but still misses his biological family and is recovering from severe concussion and trauma. Jun would only be lying to himself if he puts on a smile on his face like a mask when he isn’t even on stage. 

________ _ _ _ _

Many times he and the others have faked a smile in front of the camera. These past few days and the days to come aren’t some of those times. He doesn’t need to put his guard up. He doesn’t need to be happy the whole time. He simply needs to recover. 

________ _ _ _ _

He receives a message on his phone. It’s from Minghao again. 

________ _ _ _ _

___You said you already had your meds this morning? What are the meds Dokyeom said you just took?_

______ _ _

Jun groans on the bed. Of course, Dokyeom would say something that small to the members. He told Minghao the other day that his migraines have lessened. His phone dings once again. 

______ _ _

_Are you sleeping? I’ll call you later when we get home, okay?_

______ _ _

______ _ _

Another groan erupts out of Jun. Minghao has always reminded him of the million ways he needs to follow to be healthy but he has been extremely strict with him within his entire stay at the hospital. His phone dings for the third time and he braces himself for an angry Minghao. However, it’s Mingyu who sent a text. 

______ _ _

_”Moon Junhui, you’re driving Hao crazy here. Please don’t worry us anymore. But really, you’re giving Eisa wrinkles on his forehead ㅋㅋㅋ He said you aren’t replying and you’re lying to us. What is the medicine that you took just now? He is telling Jeonghan hyung right now to scold you because you’re lying to us ㅋㅋㅋ. You’re in trouble hyung.”_

______ _ _

Another notification enters his phone with another message and Jun doesn’t know what to expect anymore. The sender is Dokyeom this time. 

______ _ _

_Jun hyung did I say anything wrong? I just told them that you told you me that you had your meds. What’s wrong with that? ㅜㅜ Eisa looked like I said something only geniuses know when I told everyone you just took your meds. Was I not supposed to tell them that? Wait you shouldn’t lie to us about your meds hyung that’s bad._

______ _ _

Before the reacts to the messages or at least absorb them, another message is sent to this phone. This time, Jun’s heart plummets to the ground. It’s SEVENTEEN’s general leader. He’s dead this time, he really is. 

______ _ _

_Junnie, are there meds that you’re taking aside from your concussion? Is it for your migraines? I thought you said you’ve been having less headaches. Yah, did you spend too much time in the garden? Hannie got dizzy and some headaches because of the lights when we were on tour. Maybe you overworked yourself. Get some rest._

____Another message from Seungcheol follows. Jun winces._ _ _ _

_And don’t be afraid of me. Be afraid of Eisa. He looked really shocked when Dokyeom-ah said you just took your medicines. I think Myungho knows your meds and what time you’re supposed to take them. Jun-ah at this point you’re gonna give him gray hairs. When you read this and I know you will. I have a feeling you’re awake. Text Myungho, okay?_

______ _ _

Now how can Jun not reply to that. He quickly types, _I’ll tell you guys everything tonight, I promise. It’s not that serious. I just need to rest and take some medicine._

______ _ _

Jun doesn’t get a reply which is a relief. If Coups tells replies and tells him in a directly that they will have a talk, that’s when Jun should take it as a bad sign. Now that he hasn’t replied, the leader probably left it at that and understands why he didn’t bother telling anyone. The boys can be overprotective at times but they aren’t always this overbearing, what they don’t approve is when the members lie, especially if it’s about their health. 

______ _ _

He wonders how Dokyeom said to the members that he took his med. The younger sometimes exaggerates his words which only lead the others to overreact. If Lee Seokmin was in a good mood when he was telling the members, he probably told the others with wide eyes and hand gestures for emphasis. Then he probably added a few words like, “well…he did sound sick when we were talking, right Shua hyung?” and then since Joshua just learned Jun took some meds he will agree with Seokmin. However, if Lee Seokmin was really hungry after practice and was in a hurry to speak just so he could have a bite, he would only say it in a normal tone of informing somebody that one of their friends are sick. Obviously, the second scenario is the best scenario. However, with how some of the members texted him, Jun doesn’t need to think twice if the first scenario was what most likely happened in reality. 

______ _ _

He decides he’ll get back to the texts later on after he finishes the movie since the boys are eating anyway. He’ll probably reply to the messages around 11 since they most likely got home that time and are just preparing for bed. Jun groans. He’s going to be scolded by Minghao why he had to lie, and he wouldn’t know what to answer. Jun hates lying but it’s nothing compared to how the younger would worry about him. Jun knows that Minghao knows that he tends to speak simply of some things about him, especially on how he feels physically and emotionally. Jun hates making a big deal about him when he feels sick. He hates making deal about his sadness when he feels homesick from home. He hates being put under the spotlight unless when it’s a performance. It’s unnecessary attention that is wasted if he makes a big deal about things. 

______ _ _

Unquestionably, that trait of his has put him to trouble a few times. Only when he met the boys that he realized he needs to acknowledge his needs and concerns. Ever since he was a child, all he knew was that he had to push through. He has been accustomed to problems and challenges as a child because while being a child actor isn’t so much difficult as it is to be an actor as an adult, but he quickly became aware of the consequences on entering industry and actually planning to stay there. 

______ _ _

The difficulty only increased tenfold when he decided to become a trainee. Learning a new language, adapting to a foreign culture, making friends with people in his eccentric body, and learning how to become an idol caused him overflowing difficulty but it also gave him thick skin. During his first months as a trainee, he wouldn’t say anything if he’s back ached from dancing for hours on end. He would keep his mouth shut when he has a hard time explaining or describing something simply because he didn’t want to bother anybody. 

______ _ _

When Minghao arrived, all of that changed. He opened himself up to the members as he immediately opened himself up to him. He acknowledged his pain and respected his needs. He became honest to himself and to the members when something hurt in his body. But deep down, the stubborn trait of his is still there that comes out when he feels it is unnecessary to bring something up. He doesn’t want to be a problem to the boys, not when everybody is already counting on him to make fast recovery. 

______ _ _

No member pressured him to get better, but he notices how early the boys have practiced. They got ahead of the finalized schedule because his absence required them to make adjustments in the choreography. Moreover, his absence decreased the group’s energy. He is one of the oldest in the performance unit and generally in the group. He needs to recover. Mentioning his passing migraine – no matter how painful – is unnecessary and bothersome. 

______ _ _

He is already aware how Minghao has changed from an overbearing mother hen to an overprotective lioness. The way Minghao has been treating him makes him think he is made of glass. Even when they last hugged during their last visit. Everyone had already given him a hug and he was the last. The younger didn’t immediately wrap his arounds him. In his calm and collected self, wearing a worried look on his face, he sits on the chair beside his bed where he first found him sitting and sleeping when he wake up from the concussion. He looks into Jun’s eyes and grabs his right hand. He remembers the exact words the younger said.  
  


______ _ _

_”Ge get better okay. I love you. I’m always here even when I can’t come here anymore.”_

______ _ _

_He hugs him tight for a millisecond before the arms around his shoulders loosen. He pulls away from him to look at his face. Jun’s heartbeat quickens when the younger leans in and leaves a kiss on the forehead. He left._

_______  
  
_

The members have told one another that they love each other. Hell, every single day he would hear Dokyeom in a sulking voice that he loves the members every time he’s being teased by Shua in the dorms. But Minghao has never initiated an ‘I love you’. Never, not even when they were trainees, has Minghao said he loved them first. Most especially, he has never kissed anyone first. Never. Jun wracks his memory if there were instances where he saw the younger every kissed anyone first. Nothing.

______ _ _

Jun hates thinking this way, because thinking this way is defining something out of the context. Thinking like _this_ doesn’t do good things for him. The pace of his heartbeat would pick up and it makes it hard for him to breathe, simply because he knows comprehending that three-letter word in a new angle is wrong. It’s wrong. 

______ _ _

As he directs the screen to show the movie on his phone, another message comes from Minghao. Jun’s heart beats faster.

______ _ _

_Ge we just finished eating. We’re going back to practice. If you’re still sleeping that’s good. Let’s talk on the phone once you’re awake please._

______ _ _

Jun needs more fresh air, that’s for sure. Days confined in the room lead him filling his thoughts that do no good for him or whatsoever. He’s supposed to focus on healing, not taking things out of context. 

______ _ _

As he stares at the screen, his heart can’t help but tell him to respond. Jun knows Hao deserves a reply: 

______ _ _

_”I’m awake. call me when you can. i’m sorry you had to hear it from dokyeom-ah. please don’t worry too much, my head only ached for a while. i quickly went back to my room. don’t tire yourself out too much, tell the others too. take it easy on the practicing._

______ _ _

The reply comes quick: _We’ll just take 2 more hours and we are done for the day. I’ll wash up and call you immediately. Please don’t fall asleep on me. You need to tell me how your day went. Later, okay?_

______ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO, my loves! I'm back. I hope you're all safe and okay at homes (i mean it, stay at home). As always, feedback is welcomed. Hope you liked this chapter.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jun and Minghao have a conversation as Jun finds Minghaos's enigmatic personality reveal to him sides of the younger he has never seen before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: a panic attack surfacing. Please read at your own risk. Also, do not hesitate to leave a comment if I have been narrating panic attacks wrongly. It is not my intention but if I have made a mistake, I shall fix it immediately. Thank you.

”Hi,” Jun greets in a soft voice. 

_”Hi, ge,”_ Hao greets on the other end of the call. 

Jun’s heart starts to feel heavy after hearing his voice. His heartbeat stutters. “Y-You guys got home from, uh, practice?” 

Jun has no idea whatsoever why he feels and talks like this. Their previous conversation was through the chat when the younger told him he will be asking him how his day went so he better not fall asleep on him. Jun continued the movie after that and was occupied throughout the whole film when the nurse strolled in to serve him his dinner. That is when he is reminded of the boys who asked how he was doing before they eat dinner and consequently, his mind wanders to his exchange of words with Hao before the members went ahead to practice once again. 

Those exchange of words are not supposed to be of great impact to Jun, but here he is, stuttering over the phone like a shy teenage boy. He shivers at the thought of being a lovesick young boy, trying to woo a girl. He’s not wooing anyone at the moment, that’s for sure. So why is he acting like an adolescent suffering from puberty? The way he is slightly sweating, flustered under his hospital gown as he presses the phone against his ear and the way he is trying to do the breathing techniques his doctor told him to help slower his heartbeat. This is not a panic attack, that’s for sure. But it doesn’t mean he is not panicking over the fact he is having unnecessary reactions from his member from text messages and a simple “hi”.

 _”We arrived about…maybe thirty minutes ago. I just quickly washed up to get ready for bed. You? Do you still have a migraine?”_ Hao asks. 

”That was this afternoon, Hao,” Jun meekly replies. When he doesn’t hear a response, he continues. “I haven’t got to the rooftop garden for days and it was quite hot outside, I think that’s why I got a migraine. I was doing fine, though. I quickly went back to my room and took some rest after taking a pill. Are you mad?” 

Okay, not at him asking him if he’s mad over lying. Jun swears, something is wrong with this conversation. It’s a lot more…loving. Wait no. _Intimate?_ Jun physically blanches at the word. He’s losing his mind, he is definitely losing his mind. It’s not the first time Hao got mad at him. They’ve been together for so many years and the younger has put up with his eccentric antics which is why it is not foreign for him to ask the question. 

Yeah, yeah, he’s older than Minghao. So what? Seungkwan calls Hannie “Yoon Jeonghan” whether if the second eldest cheated on the game to not clean the practice room or simply when he’s telling the older boy it is time for dinner. 

”I’m not mad…” Minghao trails off. “Okay, maybe I am. No, I’m not. Wait, I don’t know. Ugh, it’s just… I was confused when Dokyeom-ah told us you just took your meds. You just told me you had your morning meds, so I thought I heard wrong or I thought you completely forgot about the schedule of your meds and just drank whenever you feel like it. And then-“

”I can be childish but it doesn’t mean I’m literally a child, Xu Minghao,” Jun cannot help but cut him off. 

”I know that but- hey! You’re supposed to be apologizing to me remember? Anyway, I asked Dokyeom what he was talking about and he said you told him you took your meds. He also said you sounded a little bit sick. Which got me worried. You’re recovering remember? Part of healing is the headache and migraine but it was hot this morning, ge. Your body needed to adjust to the weather because you spent so much time inside your room. Of course, your head will hurt. Not to mention your blood pressure is being monitored by the doctor.” 

Xu Minghao is a man of few words. So when he says many things, best believe it is better for you to shut up and listen. Xu Minghao does not get mad, he has advanced too much in meditation for that. So when he is starting to scold, no doubt that he is actually mad. Which suggests two things, according to the long experience Jun has with the younger: one, you actually matter to him therefore you are deserving of his time and worthy of his anger; and two, you have worn his patience thin and he has had enough. 

If Jun chooses the first option for the current angry Minghao, he is probably pushing his luck. If he chooses second, he needs to think of a few ways to make Minghao not angry anymore. Honestly, as he thinks about it, the boy doesn’t sound completely angry. He sounds like he’s…sulking. 

Minghao has sulks, that’s for sure, but not as often as Chan, Seungkwan, and Soonyoung. He does not know which options are most applicable for the present situation so Jun is going with the safest option: apologize. 

”I’m sorry. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t think it was important. The medicine for the migraine is a good medicine so I don’t feel the migraine after I wait for a bit. Also, I drank cold water and made sure I didn’t feel hot in the room but also didn’t shock my body temperature to the cold. See? I listen to the doctor and to you.” _Especially to you._

When he is met with silence, Jun decides to continue. “It’s not like I didn’t want to tell you. It’s that I thought it’s not worth telling. I didn’t want to lie to you just because. I just didn’t want you to be..” 

”To be worried?” Hao continues for him. “More like scared, that’s what. Jun ge, we agreed that you will tell me everything right? You promised me.” 

”I know, I know. I’m sorry, I really didn’t realize it was important, that’s why I didn’t tell you. I just…you guys are working so hard and I’m in the hospital lying around-“

”That’s because it’s what you should do, Jun ge. You’re recovering, you’re supposed to be lying around.” 

”Seungkwan danced with us a little bit even when he had an injury.” 

”Seungkwan didn’t almost die.” 

Silence fills both ends of the call as Jun’s thoughts cut short upon hearing the sentence. It was a statement. It was exaggerated since Jun didn’t almost die, he was stable with a concussion and a couple of cuts from the shards by the side of his head. But that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt hearing that, from Minghao of all people. But Jun shouldn’t be surprised. Hao can be straightforward same as how Jun can be comically burdened if the situation arises. But Hao has never thrown a bucket cold water to him through his straightforward words before. What he just said is different. 

”Ge…” Jun hears Hao whisper, clearly not knowing what to say. 

”I didn’t almost die,” Jun bites out. “I did not almost die. Because the doctor said so. Because I know I didn’t almost die. Because I’m here and I’m recovering quickly. I did not almost die. I know I made a mistake by lying to you but…why are you like this? Why are you being like this, Hao? You’ve been so…unreadable and unexpected lately and it’s hard for me every time I think about you. What’s wrong, Hao?” 

He doesn’t get a reply after a few seconds of waiting, which means he has time to talk more. “I’m sorry if I’m worrying you…and scaring you. But I feel like there’s something wrong with you too. No, I know something is bothering you. I’m sorry that your older brother lied to you, but can you at least tell me what I did? Or what happened? Why are you being like this? I don’t know how to explain it but you’ve been acting differently that it makes me think sometimes…I, I don’t know-are you crying? Hao, why are you crying?” 

Hao and Jun don’t cry. Jun does not cry. These past few weeks have been an exception considering everything he has been though but he doesn’t cry. Minghao doesn’t either. As much as he is inclined with emotions and has methods to express and vocalize them, Minghao does not shed a tear when he is in pain. Xu Minghao paints, draws, and takes pictures when he is in pain. 

Jun knows Xu Minghao more than the younger likes to think. 

”I just…I just want you to get better okay. I want you to come home quickly. I want to see you eat really spicy food here and munch on peppers like their just chips. I want to see you grilling hotdogs at 3 am in the morning. I want to see you drinking tea by yourself in the morning because you’re a morning person. I want to hear you laughing in the dorms. I want to catch you in the practice room because you left first in the dorms because you want to play the piano alone. Yes, I followed you one time to watch you. I’m not even sorry. I want to see you looking for your favorite coat but Dokyeom actually has it. I want to see you taking weird selfies and posting them on Twitter because for some reason you don’t like Weverse very much. I just...want to see you, ge.” 

It becomes Jun’s cue to tear up. His throat threatens to close up as he feels a sob crawling out of his chest, but he pushes it down to the pits of his stomach. He doesn’t realize how much pain he is causing to the younger. 

”Hao, I’m really really sorry. Ge is really sorry. Every night I wish the accident didn’t happen because I feel so bad for myself that I can’t dance with you guys and I feel bad that I’m stressing you all out because I’m not there. But I didn’t think about what you were feeling. I’m sorry, Hao. I was being selfish, wasn’t I?” 

”You? Selfish? God, no. You were far from selfish. When the others first visited you, after they left Mingyu told me Seungkwan and Dokyeom cried for a whole hour before Jeonghan joined them. Seungkwan was crying because you kept telling them you’re okay while they were crying like babies. Dokyeom kept saying you didn’t deserve any of that and you shouldn’t be putting up a façade that you’re alright when you looked so weak that time. You are the most selfless person we have ever seen, ge. Don’t ever forget that.” 

They spend the next fifteen minutes as a sobbing mess and spend the next two hours teasing who cried first and who cried the ugliest. Outside the hospital and in the dorm, the two look at the same moon they are under in with the renewed hope that all this will pass. 

  
  


Jun has lied again. This time, though, he is not the slightest bit sorry. 

Today marks his 23rd day in the hospital, which means he has spent a total of three weeks and two days in the hospital. He has made more friends aside from Sanghoon and his grandchildren. He befriended the grandmas and mothers in the hospital canteen, all happy to see him strolling in the canteen because most patients prefer being served their food. They all happily give him extra servings, telling him he needs to eat well if he has to dance and sing once he gets out of the hospital. 

As for the lie, he lied to the entire group actually. He started the scheme three days ago. The group knew that the doctor advised him to stay for at least three weeks, which is exactly what happened. He is to be discharged today, but only the managers know that. Three days ago, he told the members that he might need one more week in the hospital. The announcement was made through a group call and he was met with a complete silence for at least two minutes before he hears sniffles from of course: Seungkwan and Dokyeom. Not very surprisingly, Soonyoung didn’t cry during the call which tells Jun the boy is taking it upon himself, together with the other elders, to be strong for the younger members. Everybody told him comforting messages during the call and also after that. Minghao, on the other hand, has been texting him as often as his mother have been ever since the accident. He talked to Mingyu the other day and the younger told him: _”For the love of God, Jun hyung, reply to Myungho’s text as much as you can. He will also like it if you call first after our schedule. He sulks when you forget texting him because you fall asleep. _”__

____

The boys are expecting him to go home three days from now, which is a lie that Jun made because he wanted to surprise the members. He has received a text from his manager earlier that he is on his way to pick him up. Jun has been excited since last night that he cannot focus on the (maybe) 100th movie he watched throughout his stay. He has also gained a few pounds, something to thank the cooks in the canteen for. 

__

Next week he will be meeting another doctor all together but that is a battle he doesn’t have to face alone anymore. He can go home everyday after the therapy session and talk to Cheol if he needs help or just a companion. He isn’t alone anymore. Gone are the nights where he stares at the door, anticipating two people will sneak in. Gone are the nights he is afraid two people will look at him as he sleeps. Those thoughts, of course, are very much alive in Jun’s mind. But he doesn’t have to isolate himself in those thoughts by himself. He will be home at last. 

__

His manager eventually arrives and Jun does not stop himself on throwing the middle-aged man a hug, to which the man immediately returned with a sigh of relief. 

__

”Seungkwan will freak out once he sees you later,” the manager says with a laugh as he takes his things in his hands. 

__

”Are they home now, hyung?” Jun asks excitedly.

__

”They just got home actually. But everyone is at Jeonghan’s dorm right now. They were talking about the movie Vernon wanted to show them.” 

__

”Oh, that’s what Myungho told me. Vernon has been talking about it for a few days, he said.” Jun can’t help but laugh. 

__

However, a solid minute after Jun sits on the car, he feels a sudden fear. He grips the handle of the door, meeting eyes with the manager hyung. Without question, the manager pulls over and looks at him. 

__

”Jun-ah,” the manager says his name softly it almost sounds like a whisper. “You are safe with me, okay? You are safe with hyung.” 

__

Jun shakes his head. “N-No, I know that! It’s just…I-I just suddenly remember the accident and…I can’t control myself to not feel scared. I’m sorry hyung…”

__

”Hey, hey. Look at me. Calm down, hold my hands. You’re safe with me. I drive safely, you know that. Remember when Seungkwan ranked who drives the safest among your managers and all of you said it was me? See? Nothing will happen. We will take the main road to reach the dorm and we will get you home to meet the members.” 

__

_…the members…_

__

”Are you with me, Jun?” The manager asks calmly. 

__

”Y-Yes, hyung. Let’s go home. I want to see the members.” And the whole time, Jun finishes the entire ride with alert senses, eyes wide and hand gripping the door of the passenger seat. He refuses to look at the backseat, knowing that memories will only come to him and he may not be able to reach home properly to greet the members. 

__

_He is going to be fine._

__  
  


He has his eyes set on the tall building, relieved a familiar infrastructure is in front of him. Although this isn’t his dorm since the boys have been divided into two groups for two apartments, he counts this as his home as well. He has spent so many nights playing video games with the others and boasting how spicy food can he tolerate before he fears for the well-being of his stomach. It’s been weeks since he last did all those and he cannot wait to do all of them, and more. 

__

The manager walks ahead of him to the steps and to the doorbell. Jun realizes he got lost in his thoughts and followed suit. The butterflies in his stomach go into frenzy as he bites his lip and glares at the door, wishing it to open right now. He hides by the potted bush beside the front door, winking at the manager who is laughing at his antics.

__

He hears Chan’s voice before the door opens. “Wait, the food is here! You can go ahead, hyung! I’ll carry all of them!” 

__

The door flies open and he sees the youngest of the group with a bare face, a black t-shirt, his printed moon and stars pajama, and a pair of tiger fur slippers that surely belongs to the Hoshi. The boy has his hands automatically holding out cash when he stops in his tracks, landing eyes on their manager hyung. 

__

”Hyung?” He hears Chan say. “What are you doing here? Is there something wrong?” 

__

”Hm? No, no. You guys just forgot some of your things in the company, you brats,” the manager feigns innocence and pretends to lightly scold the maknae. 

__

”Huh? Sorry, hyung. You had to drive here to give these bags. I’ll tell the hyungs off, I promise,” Chan apologizes sincerely. Jun imagines maknae’s sincere bow which makes him smile and warms his heart. “Do you want to come inside, it’s cold outside. Why are you not wearing a thick coat, hyung? Get inside, we’re waiting for our food.”

__

”No, I’m good. I just had to drop of things,” the manager can’t help but laugh as he tries to not look at Jun who is laughing and still hiding by the large potted plant. 

__

”Oh, hyung, I’m really sorry! Drive safely!” 

__

”Hm, okay. Get these and I’ll go now okay? It’s getting cold outside,” the man walks away, flashing Jun a quick, unnoticeable smile and walks away to his waiting car. 

__

The bags are left by the front door for Dino to pick up, which is Jun’s chance to scare the wits out of him. The boy steps out, bend overs and picks up the bags. Jun screams behind him and the youngest strikes above like a stray cat caught messing with the garbage. Dino turns around, shock painted all over his face and hand over his heart. 

__

Jun laughs at the boy’s still-frozen face, bags forgotten on the ground. “Hello. Missed me?” 

__

Dino’s mouth widen as he looks at him from head to toe, simply blinking in silence. “You…hyung…Jun hyung! JUN HYUNG!” 

__

Jun is no longer able to resists and wraps his arms around the shorter boy’s frame. Dino is still frozen in his arms but Jun does not mind as he continues laughing. “Surprise!” 

__

”Hyung…hyung! Oh my god, hyung!” 

__

”Surprise!” Jun says again and pulls away. “Come on, let’s get in. It’s cold out and you’re just wearing t-shirt.” Both of them take Jun’s bags with Chan looking at him like he is a conversing ghost. 

__

”Y-You’re not supposed to be…we thought…w-what are you doing here?” 

__

Jun rolls his eyes as they settle their bags and lock the door. “I came home, dumbass, what do you think I’m doing here?” 

__

”Oh my good…the others are gonna die when they see you,” Dino whispers, a smile finally breaking out on his face. He hugs Jun tightly, face buried in the elder’s chest. “I’m going to hug you right now because later I won’t have the chance. Thank goodness you’re okay hyung.” 

__

Jun wraps his arms around him, laughing once again. He will be laughing a lot tonight as it seems. “Hug all the way, then. I’ll be really famous these past few days you may not be able to sit beside me too.” 

__

”Sure, sure. You’ll be Jeonghan hyung’s baby. That’s cool with me.” 

__

”Lee Chan, what is taking you so long? All of us are really hungry.” Both of them look at each other, eyes and smiles wide as they hear Dokyeom’s voice increasing in volume as his steps descend to the first floor. 

__

Seokmin stops at the stairs with hands by his hips, ready to scold the youngest when he meets eyes with a smiling Jun. The boy’s eyes theatrically widen, arms settling by his sides as his eyes stay frozen on the person he least expects to see. 

__

”Surprise!” is all Jun says, grin reaching his ears. 

__

The lead vocalist’s knees weaken and he slowly kneels down on the floor, all remaining energy leaving his body. The lead dancer in front of him approaches him with a childish smile as he kneels down to be at the same eye level as his. “Hello!” Jun greets him like a really friendly child meeting another kid in the playground. He lets out a laugh once again and wraps his arms around the shocked boy. Seokmin meets his eyes with Dino who is similing at him while being teary-eyed. He feels Jun’s chin on his shoulder and feels the vibration of his chest as he laughs.

__

”Jun hyung,” Seokmin whispers. “Y-You’re home.” 

__

”Yep, I am!” Jun replies. 

__

The two hug quietly for a few minutes and when Jun pulls away, Dokyeom hugs him tighter. “Let’s spend a few more time here, the others won’t give you back when they see you.” 

__

Dokyeom feels his resolve break as he feels Jun’s hand on his head give it a few pats. He hugs the older impossibly closer, face buried in the lead dancer’s neck. “Welcome home, hyung.” 

__

The doorbell of the front door rings with their ordered food finally delivered. “Did you guys order spicy kimchi stew?” Jun asks. 

__

”Of course,” Dokyeom pulls away from him as they decide to pull away. “Hoshi hyung said it’s a way to honor your missing presence. I can’t believe you’re home. AND I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU LIED TO US!” 

__

”Hyungs, we need to go. Hoshi just texted me. He’s getting hangry,” Dino says suddenly. “Let’s go meet the others, Jun hyung.”

__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter! I hope you guys liked this. School has been telling me I do not deserve sleep and while my eyebags are evidence for that, I hope you guys are getting the rest you deserve. Leave a comment if you can, it makes my day. Thank you and stay safe, loves!


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The road to recovery is a long, winding road with boulders and rocks. Jun might need a couple of stop-overs before he reaches the destination. It doesn't matter, though. Not when he feels complete. Finally.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning: this chapter contains a panic attack almost coming. read at your own risk.

Jun walks upstairs like a giddy child being lead to a candy store. Dokyeom holds his hand as he leads the way while Dino walks behind him holding four bags of delivered food. The youngest struggles to keep his voice down as he watches Jun look around like he is brought to outer space. The boy in front of him is bouncing on his toes as he and Dokyeom realize they can’t hold hands anymore because Jun’s bags are too many and heavy. 

They reach the second floor wherein if they are to turn to their left is the kitchen and dining area and if they turn to the right is a short hallway leading to the living room. The door to the living room is slightly open and the trio can see the lights are switched off and only the blue neon lights lining the ceiling lighting up the room with the sounds of the movie rolling. 

Dokyeom hides Jun behind him, the three of them leaning against the wall by the door with the youngest behind. The lead vocalist gestures Dino to go head, and the maknae obeys with a grin reaching his ears. He quickly masks it with an indifferent expression and fully opens the door, holding out the plastic bags full of food. 

”Dino-yah, what took you so long? Did the delivery man get lost on the way?” Jun hears Soonyoung ask. 

”Hm? Oh, yeah. The man said he is new around town, that’s why. By the way, manager hyung dropped off some of your things. He called you guys brats,” Dino adds. 

Dokyeom takes Jun’s bags and enters the room. ”These aren’t mine, you brats,” he adds with a deceiving grunt. 

Jun hears the boys ask questions and accuse each other of whose bags are those, while he is left outside laughing in mute. He peeks and sees Dino standing by the door, making sure he is seen by Jun. Dino gestures his hand below telling him to stop where he is. 

”Yah! Whose bags are these…wah, these are lots of bags! Whose bags are these?” Joshua asks. “Mingyu and I were the cleaners of the practice room, why did we not see these bags? No bags were left expect the large suitcases for the stylists.” 

”Are you sure these are ours? Maybe they belong to NU’EST hyungs?” Mingyu asks. 

”No, manager hyung said they will scold us tomorrow because you guys left these bags scattered in the room,” Dino answers. “That’s why I took so long, hyung. I was apologizing for you guys.” The youngest makes a ‘hmp’ noise as Jun watches him pout at the members. 

”To those who own these bags, just admit it so we can move on and watch the movie. Whose bags are these?” Seungcheol asks in a much louder voice. 

Dino turns his back to him Jun with his hand behind him and gestures for him to come forward. Jun takes a few steps inside as Dino makes way for him to stand beside him. Dino wraps his arm around Jun’s shoulder as the boys argue whose bag are those. 

”They’re mine!” Jun screams. 

Jeonghan, Wonwoo, and Woozi are the first ones to look at him while the others followed a split second after they noticed the first three looking elsewhere. Nobody reacts for a few seconds before Seungkwan screams. 

”WHAT THE HELL?” 

”Surprise!” Jun shouts, arms raised in the air as Seokmin and Chan wrap their arms around him. The three of them form a circle and dance round and round in front of the astonished boys as if they all hit a strike in a bowling game.

”What’s happening?” 

”What the hell is going on?” 

”What is Jun hyung doing here?” 

”Is that Jun hyung?” 

”MOON JUNHUI, IS THAT YOU?” Soonyoung runs to them first and joins the circle, squished between him and Dino as he laughs at Jun hysterically. _”Moon Junhui, saranghae!”_

”Horanghae!” Jun answers, returning the bright smile that literally brings Seungkwan to tears as he watches the dancing boys in front of him, dumbfounded. 

”Yah, don’t you guys want to give me a hug?” Jun looks over the standing boys who are looking at them wide eyes and dropped jaws.

All of them blink a few times before they run to him, except from Minghao who is left by the couch and looking at them. The rest joins the circle and jump around as if they made a homerun. Cheol squeezes himself inside the circle and cradles Jun’s face in his big palms. He looks into Jun’s eyes. “Why are you here? Did they allow you for discharge?” 

”Yep. What I said was a lie. I’m actually coming home today.” 

”You brat,” is all the leader can say under his breath as he pulls Jun in for a hug. The circle breaks and a group hug is formed filled with either laughs or sniffles. Jun doesn’t bother guessing which of the members are in tears. 

”Moon Junhui, how could you lie to us? I can’t believe you!” Seungkwan sulks, pulling away from a hug and pointing at Jun accusingly. 

”I know, I know,” Jun nods with a smile and pulls the younger for a hug. “It’s called a surprise, Seungkwannie. Don’t worry, I missed you too.” 

”Stop that, don’t make me cry!” the lead vocalist replies, stomping his foot. “My face has been swollen these past few days because I kept crying because of you!” 

”I’m here now, Seungkwannie. Your face won’t get swollen anymore.” He pulls away from Seungkwan and sets his eyes on Minghao who is still looking at him with a look that tells Jun he still cannot believe he is home. 

He flashes the boy a smile but his attention is stolen once again when Vernon replaces Seungkwan. “I’m so happy you’re back now, hyung,” Hansol smiles. 

”I got you guys good, didn’t I?” 

Hansol laughs. “Of course you did, Jun hyung. Best surprise ever.” 

Jeonghan and Jisoo then both pull him in for a hug. “I’m mad that you lied to us but thank goodness you’re home, Junnie,” their resident angel says, head on Jun’s shoulder.

”Our Junnie is home,” Joshua coos, chin on Jun’s other shoulder and hand patting his head softly. “Be a good boy, okay? You still need to rest.” 

Mingyu’s height breaks apart the hug as he forces himself and wraps his arms around him in a way that Jun calls a ‘headlock hug’. Jeonghan steals one last kiss on his cheek before he allows himself to be pushed away by Mingyu’s large frame. It’s warm, cozy, and _Mingyu._ “I’ll cook all the food you want, hyung. Just name it and you have it. Welcome home, Jun hyung! We love you!” 

”Have you grown taller, Mingyu?” Jun teases, pulling away and looking up at the boy who is looking at him with a puppy gaze. 

”Of course, I haven’t,” Mingyu pouts. “You’ve been away for too long that you think I’m too tall.” 

”It’s our turn, Mingyu,” Wonwoo teases from behind. He and Woozi step in and individually gives him a hug that isn’t as long and as suffocating as the hugs from the others. The two pulls away and pat his shoulders, look at him and send him a message that Jun does not have to hear or read in words. The relationship of the members born in ’97 aren’t evident or obvious in the camera but the four have a way with each other that only they know and understand. Jun cherishes it the way it is, private and in silence. 

All that is left to greet him is Minghao, but the boy is still looking at him by the couch. Jun walks towards him, his grin impossibly wider. “Yah, aren’t you going to greet me?” 

Hao blinks and looks at him from head to toe, as if the sight of him is simply an illusion. Hao takes a step back like his words woke him up from a trance. He gently pushes away Jun and storms out of the room. 

It is Jun’s turn to become dumbfounded as his heart falls to the pits of his stomach, energy fading away from him. He feels his knees go week as he slowly turns around to find the boy gone. He meets eyes with the members as the entire room drops in silence. 

”’W-What just happened?” He hears his voice weak. “W-What did I do?” 

”Junnie…” Jeonghan trails off and approaches him gently, arm around his waist. “You probably shocked Myungho.” 

”He looked like…he didn’t want to see me, though.” 

”Of course not,” Hannie gently chastises. “Out of all of us, he was the most shaken up when you were gone.” 

”It was really hard for us to not visit you but…it was the hardest for him,” Mingyu adds, explaining on behalf his best friend. “He didn’t take it well when you told us you needed a few more days in the hospital. All of us thought something wrong happened, hyung.” 

When Jun told everybody through a group call about the lie, Minghao wasn’t one of the members who cried. Jun wasn’t surprised at that, the younger barely cries anyway. Of course, the time they talked on the phone was an exemption but Jun was a mess as he was. Jun saw it as a moment of weakness, since both of them were left fending for each other and taking care of each other since the very beginning. Without the other, they both knew things would be different. But Jun never thought Hao would take his accident _this_ badly. This isn’t also how Jun imagined his surprise would end. 

”Just be gentle with him, okay?” Joshua adds, patting Jun’s head once again. Dino nods, hand on his shoulder for moral support. “He didn’t think this would happen. None of us thought you will surprise us, Jun-ah. But Minghao is more emotional than you think right now, okay?” 

”I…I have to talk to him. Let’s all talk later, okay?” Jun asks. “Um...continue the movie and get some food. I’ll bring him back to eat with you guys. Surprise once again!” Jun plasters a smile but he cannot fool a single member from the concern and sadness on his face. 

Seungcheol pats his back as the Jun passes by him and runs out of the room. He meets eyes with the two oldest members and rolls his eyes. “Kids.” 

”They’ll work it out,” Joshua replies with a smile. 

”They always do,” Hannie adds, sitting beside Joshua. “Besides, they will go through more hardships in the future. This is just practice.” The three of them laugh quietly as they make a cheers with their own cans of beer. They gulp down the drink, sharing a thought which only the three of them know. 

All of them slowly settle comfortably once again, the rush from the surprise dissipating. Vernon presses ‘play’ on the remote with everybody watching the action-comedy film with a newfound happiness that cannot be caused by any comedy film out there. They all start digging in the food, eating to their heart’s content with the gratification that they are complete once again. 

  
  


Jun doesn’t know which room Hao chose as a hiding place but his best bet is the rooftop. Their dorm has one room with a rooftop balcony, which belonged to Minghao while this dorm has a rooftop that Hao likes to stay in every time they pay a visit. He opens the door to the rooftop and there he is, sitting on the lounge chair with legs crossed and arms wrapped around himself. Jun shivers as a strong blow of the wind flies past him.

”Hao,” Jun calls out quietly. The younger doesn’t look, eyes set on the night sky. Jun decides to get closer. He walks towards him but leaves a safe distance, just because he knows Hao respects his privacy and personal space a lot. He sits on another lounge chair, looking at the night sky that Minghao loves a lot. 

The full moon can no longer be seen. It’s only the night sky serving as backdrop to emphasize the brightness of the twinkling stars. Jun loves the night, but not as the morning that Jun always looks forward to. But having a friend like Minghao made Jun see beauty in things he never thought is beautiful. Jun knows the starts are beautiful, the moon is beautiful. But there’s something about how the night sky that can be associated with Minghao. It’s the enignma. The silence. Not eerie or uncomfortable, but rather comforting and peaceful. 

”Please don’t be mad,” Jun speaks out. “I know I promised I won’t lie to you ever again, especially if it’s about my health. But this is a lie that I really I wanted to make. I wanted to surprise you guys. To make you happy. I want to show you guys I’ve been recovering well and that a few weeks from now I can perform with you guys again. I know…it’s sudden and that I shocked you a lot. But please don’t be mad at me, hm? I really thought this could make you smile. I really wanted to make you happy…Hao, look at me please.” 

Jun almost feels his heart crumble but Minghao thankfully looks at him. The boy looks at him glassy eyes, a dazed expression that accompanies nervous heart with butterflies in his stomach. Minghao turns his body facing him, relieving Jun because this means the boy isn’t angry at him. 

”When I found out…when you told us the doctor needed you to stay for a few more days, I swear, I thought…god, I have no idea what I looked like. But all I knew…and all I felt was pain. Ge, I never thought this would happen to any of my members. I never thought you would get into an accident and I certainly never thought that s-saaesangs w-would get to any of us. I know it seems like I’m angry and I am, but not at you. I’m not angry at you, ge. I’m _just_ angry. You don’t deserve this hyung. There are so many people out there who committed sins and still continue to live freely while you just work so hard quietly with us to make your dreams come true. You don’t deserve any of this, it’s why I’m so mad and I don’t know what to do. I’m sorry if I’m being really strict and really, really uptight but it was so hard to not see you for weeks, hyung.” Minghao is now looking down, refusing to have Jun see him tearing up. 

”Why didn’t you say anything?” Jun can’t help but ask. 

”Because I didn’t want to make things harder for you,” Hao looks at him finally. “Every time you talk to the others, you’re trying so hard to show them you’re happy and you’re fine. And yes, you’re recovering well. But every time you have a video call with us, I can tell you’re pretending your head is not in pain sometimes. I can tell that you’re faking your laughs every time you have a migraine. You’re always thinking about other people and I don’t want you to also think about me. When you said you needed a few more days, I didn’t say anything even if it was so hard because I wanted you to get strength from me. I don’t want you to hide anything from me because we never hid anything from each other before.”

”But we did, didn’t we? I lied about my migraines and you lied about having a hard time. I’m sorry it got this far, Hao-hao. You’re right. I didn’t want to make the others worry more, especially Coups ge. He tries so hard to be strong for all of us and I don’t want to add more to that. I know you guys have been more stressed and wary lately, especially after what the sasaengs did so I chose to not say anything about my migraines because, well…I knew that this will be part of the recovery process. Besides, in a few months the doctor said it may never happen again. So yes, you were right. But there is something you were wrong about.”

”Hm? What is it?” Hao asks. 

Jun shows him a truthful smile, eyes glistening and looking straight into Hao’s that makes the other feel hypnotized. “You said you didn’t want me to think of you? Too late, I’m always thinking of you.” 

Hao blinks at him twice before he breaks out a groan. “Seriously? You’re gonna make a pick-up line? Out of all the things I said, I was being serious, ge! I can’t believe you!” 

Jun laughs, holding Hao’s hand that Minghao brought to his face to slap his own forehead. “Hey, I wasn’t joking! I wasn’t joking! Hao…that wasn’t a pick-up line,” Jun says softly at the end. “I wasn’t joking, Xu Minghao. I am always thinking about you. If it wasn’t for you, I would be so much worse. Every time you call me in the hospital and I feel overwhelmed, you calm me down. When I was feeling things I couldn’t describe, you would comfort me and tell me exactly what I’m feeling, and then you make me feel better. Every time I felt bored out my mind you call me and tell me how your day went because you know it takes my mind off of things. Literally, you did all those things for me for three weeks when I was in the hospital and you think I was joking when I say I think about you all the time?” 

Minghao looks at him blankly for a few seconds when he gulps obviously and pulls his hand away from Hao’s cold one. “Y-You have a way with words huh…Sh-Shouldn’t you feel burdened by now?” 

”If I didn’t tell you all those things I’d surely feel burdened.” Jun smiles as he watches Hao place his hand back to his lap from his grasp. He knows enough about Hao to know when he feels nervous. “Are you still mad at me?”

”No,” he answers. “I’m not mad, remember? I just…I just hate that you told us you needed more time in the hospital. Everyone got really worried.” 

”How did Coups ge react? When I told him he immediately comforted me, but I had a feeling he wasn’t telling me everything he’s feeling.” 

”Incredibly worried. Jeonghan and Shua gege comforted him but I can tell the three of them were thinking the same thing. We all knew you would get better, but we didn’t think your discharge would be pushed back. But of course, it had to be a prank.” Jun receives a flick on the forehead to which he immediately emits an “ow”. 

”You better be thankful that we’re all just happy you’re here ge,” Hao continues with a glare. “Hoshi ge would even get quiet sometimes when we’re resting during practice, even when Seungkwan and Dokyeom are so noisy while having fun.” 

”I’m sorry for all the pain and problems I caused,” Jun quietly replies while he eyes the ground. 

Hao makes a ‘tsk’ sound. “You should be sorry for pranking us and making us feel bad but you should never be sorry because you think you gave us a problem. We had a hard time but it’s you who needs taking care of, not us. Stop pretending that you’re okay just so you won’t cause any problem. You should be more honest with us because everything that is happening to you matters to us. Promise me, ge.” 

Jun raises his head to look into his eyes, which makes Hao continue. “I hate it when you do that.” 

”Do what?” 

”When you don’t want to say anything so you just look at me weirdly.” 

”Weirdly?” 

”You look at me like…like…” Hao takes a deep breath and moves closer to Jun, eyes locked with the boy. “Like I’m the only one you see.” 

Jun’s heart jumpstarts like an engine revved back into life. But he doesn’t let it show and simply flashes Hao a smile. “How did you know about that?” Hao doesn’t say anything so he continues, “Hm? How did you know you’re the only I see?” 

Hao gulps, standing back straight to create distance and clearing his throat. “There you go with your pick-up lines. I swear…you just really know to ruin a mood, huh?” 

Jun laughs. “You’re still not giving me a hug.” 

”What for? We’ve been talking for maybe twenty minutes why do you need a-“

He is no longer able to resist and pulls Hao into his arms, chest lightly clashing with his as the boy makes an “oof” sound by surprise. Slowly, Hao settles in as he wraps his arms around Jun’s waist. He feels Jun’s warm breath by his bare neck because of the low v-neck sweater he is wearing as he gives in to the relief that his Jun is here. Quickly, he pushes away the fact that he just owned the boy to himself in his mind. He wraps his arms tighter around the fellow lead dancer, an audible sigh of relief releasing from his chest which makes Jun smile. A floor below the boys watch the movie with laughs echoing the room but here they are on the rooftop, quiet but contented.

This, the two realize, is the feeling of reuniting with your missing puzzle piece. 

  
  


The two come back as if nothing happened, both arms wrapped around each other’s backs. By the time they reach the living room, they are just in time for the second movie of the night, which is The Purge: Anarchy. They are welcomed by the sounds of Dokyeom and Mingyu whining that it might be a horror movie, to which Dino answers that they are being too noisy. The two realize they are the only ones yapping about the movie so they both give up, settling back on the large bean bag. The two start to cuddle, holding hands and looking at the rolling credits on the screen with wary looks. 

Jeonghan pays them a notice first, quickly giving them the food they managed to set aside from the two. “You two are okay now?”

Seungkwan beats the two of them on answering. “Of course they are, they never fight for a long time. When they fight it’s like how kids fight, just lasting for five minutes before they play together again.” 

Soonyoung laughs at the told fact beside Seungkwan. “When they fight that means there’s no hope in the world anymore.” 

Hao pretends he hears nothing as he is already used to their antics. Jun, on the other hand laughs and rolls his eyes jokingly. Both of them eat in silence on the carpeted floor, backs hunched as they eat from the coffee table. Of course, it doesn’t go unnoticed by everybody who silently watch them eat happily. 

”I cooked almost all his favorite food but it’s really a delivery food with Jun that will make him eat properly, huh,” Mingyu snides at Dokyeom. 

Dokyeom scooches over the bean bag, feeling himself fall of because of the puppy boy’s large frame. He locks his leg of Mingyu’s to prevent himself from falling and whispers, “It doesn’t matter if you have a buffet in front of you if you’re lonely. The only way to eat happily is when you’re with the person you like.” 

The three eldest members watch Dokyeom and Mingyu who are both unaware that they are being heard by them. Jeonghan smirks as Joshua and Seungcheol share a secretive smile. It’s not only the three of them that knows things after all. With a little distance between them, Wonwoo looks at them and then at Dokyeom and Mingyu who are still gossiping in each other’s ears. He bites back a smile as he watches the two Chinese boys eat happily and meets eyes with Woozi across the living room. They finally smile at each other while sharing knowing looks. 

”You would think they’re eating steak with how happy they look,” Chan observes beside Vernon. 

”It’s not the food, Channie,” Vernon answers. “It’s the companion.” 

After eating, Jun and Hao settle on the bean bag Dino was asked (ordered) to take from one of the rooms upstairs. They force themselves on the bean bag, cuddling but not as suffocating as Mingyu and Dokyeom across them because the two are scared. They are contented with how they are sitting, though. The fact that they are beside each other is enough from them to breathe comfortably. They watch the movie with the others with contentment as they warm each other up by just being with each other. 

Hao feels Jun’s head on his shoulder. He looks at Jun’s long eyelashes as his normally droopy eyes droop lower from drowsiness. For a few seconds, he is mesmerized from the sight. For three damn weeks, he didn’t have somebody randomly laying his head on his shoulder with droopy eyes and no care in the world. Jeonghan, Hoshi, and Dokyeom are the ones mostly laying his head on their shoulder. But no one lays their head on his shoulder the way Jun does. It’s not abrupt or sudden but not expected either. It depends on Jun’s state of sleepiness and simple chance of luck, if Jun happens to be beside him and his head drops on his shoulder as he becomes sleepy. The telltale signs are the slowly drooping eyes and lowering of shoulders in comfort. After a couple of exhales, Jun would snuggle in to the person closest to him and without a care in the world, lay on their shoulder and sleep. 

He is not as clingy as the way Jeonghan does with his arm locking with his or as mischievous as Hoshi and Dokyeom who are giggling and vibrating with happiness. Jun simply sits beside him and lays his head on his shoulder, which makes Hao feel as if he brings all the comfort in the world. 

His eyes travel to Jun’s arms, which he last saw to have healing scratches and bruises. The marks are all gone, just Jun’s pale and lanky arms. He doesn’t seem to have lost a lot of weight, which eases some of Hao’s worries. Jun told him he has been eating well but a part of him didn’t believe the boy. However, Cheol and Jeonghan also asked Jun and he said the same, which relieved him greatly. It doesn’t mean he was happy during those times, though. He sees through Jun so much it was hard for him watching Jun pretend he doesn’t have the migraines. 

”Do you want to rest?” Hao whispers, still looking down at him. “You can stay in one of the rooms upstairs.” 

Jun shakes his head. “No, no…wanna stay ‘ere.” 

”Are you sure, ge?” 

”Mhm.” Jun falls asleep. 

  
  


Someone is shaking him which wakes him up. Jun opens his eyes and sees Hao kneeling on beside him on the bean bag, hand on his shoulder. “Hey, we’re going home,” Hao whispers. 

He closes his eyes once again. “I’m gonna sleep here.” 

”Jun hyung, you can’t. You won’t be comfortable here. Come on, stand up so we’ll be home quickly,” Dino encourages. 

Jun doesn’t answer. He feels somebody sit beside him. Hao whispers in Jun’s ears, “Ge, we’ll get you settled comfortably in your room, hm? Don’t you miss your room?” 

This does the trick and Jun flutters his eyes open which makes Hao giggle. “Why are you laughing at me?” 

”You’re like sleeping beauty.” 

Jun snorts. “I may look like a princess but you’ll never see me touching a needle.” 

”Let’s go home then, my princess.” 

”But I prefer being a prince,” Jun says as Hao gently pulls him from the bean bag and wrap his arms around his back without even thinking about it. 

”Let’s take you home then, my prince.” 

”The carriage awaits, your highness,” Joshua announces as he peeks with his head by the door from outside. “Your warm chamber awaits.” 

Now if there’s anything Jun loves aside from spicy food and cats, it is good sleep. He hugs the members who aren’t his dorm mates good bye with all of the saying they will be coming in Jun’s dorm for lunch. 

”Get some rest, Jun-ah,” Cheol says as he leads them to the front door. 

”No more surprises this time,” Hannie adds. 

”Agree. Cheol is gonna get gray hairs,” Shua adds because the two of them love to make Cheol’s life exciting (read: miserable). 

Jun flashes Cheol with an apologetic smile to which the elder laughs at and pats his head in reply. “I’m not getting gray hairs, Jun-ah. Off you go to your house, guys. You have somebody who is really sleepy right now, but he looks drunk.” 

”We wonder who it is!” Chan screams in reply. Jun rolls his eyes and waves another good bye before Hao wraps his arm around his waist like a patient being assisted to stand up. 

Jun snorts. Even his nurse wasn’t this careful when he’s standing up. If anything his nurse liked seeing him on his feet because it is good exercise. “I don’t need help you know.” 

Hao looked at him incredulously. “And this is coming from a patient who literally just got out of the hospital today.” 

Jun pouts. “Fine, but I’m not a baby.” 

Hao studies the boy’s adorable face. Cheeks puffed and mouth pouty. Eyes looking down sulkily. “Sure you aren’t.” 

Jun’s feet automatically stop in tracks as they come closer to the van that is waiting for them. He has been chatting which refrained him from immediately noticing the van is nearing them. His eyes scan the van as he immediately notices the difference of the van in front of them and the _damned_ car. This van is bigger to accommodate the members. The driver is different too. Shua is driving, not the poor driver who needed more time to recover in the hospital. 

He doesn’t realize it but his feet slowly takes two steps back. Hao arm around his waist tighten as he watches the boy snuggled beside him in confusion. After studying Jun from head to twice, it dawns on him on what is going on. 

”Ge,” Hao whispers. “Ge, look at me.” 

Jun’s eyes stay frozen on the vehicle in front of them. The window of the passenger seat comes down as Joshua from the driver’s seat looks at them questioningly. He feels it come slowly. The doubt to get inside, nervousness, anxiety, and most of all, fear. 

”Ge,” Hao’s volume increases but he makes sure it doesn’t shock Jun. “Look at me. Look at me.” Jun finally looks at him, eyes dazed but not from sleepiness. “You’re safe okay? You’re safe with us.” 

Hao turns his head as he hears steps in front of them and sees Shua looking at them. The elder does not bother asking for an explanation as he heads straight for Jun. “Hey, don’t be afraid. I’ll drive slowly, I promise.” 

Jun swallows the dread, knowing he’s sliding into it again. Into the panic. “How ‘bout you?” 

Shua’s hand finds Jun’s cheek. “What about me?” 

”Are you going to be okay driving?” 

”Me?” Joshua asks. “Jun-ah, you know I drive responsibly. I drive very safely. Remember when I drove you and Soonyoung-ah to the sushi restaurant you both liked? I drove very safely, didn’t I?” 

Jun shakes his head, starting to get frantic. “No, no no. I meant, you don’t mind driving? Y-You’re gonna be okay?” The frustration creeps in as he fails to get his point made. He tries again, “Th-There’s always a possibility of an accident, even when…even the driver drives safely. A-Are you okay with that?” 

He sees sadness flood Jisoo’s eyes, which is the last thing he wants to happen. “Junnie,” the elder says gently. “To answer your question, yes, I am okay with that. But to add to what you sad, the possibility is very low. Especially for the situation now. It will just take thirty minutes for me to drive and there are not much cars here and you even tried driving around here before, didn’t you? Do you think it’s safe?” 

Jun nods. “Yes.” 

”So the possibility of us getting home safely is greater, do you agree?” When Jun nods, Shua smiles, but there is no happiness in his eyes. “Can Myungho help you get inside?” 

”Y-Yes,” Jun whispers. The walk to the car should probably take them less than ten seconds but he guesses they took less than a minute. But he’s grateful for that, because every step consisted of him chanting in his head that they will be okay. 

The door slides open and Jun refuses to meet eyes with the others who are looking at him with sadness he doesn’t want to see. He sits next to Dokyeom who wordlessly wraps his arms around him. As if he’s on fire, Dokyeom immediately takes his arms away. 

”Wh-What’s wrong?,” Jun asks as he looks at the male vocalist in surprise. 

Behind them are Vernon and Dino wincing, knowing nobody should stir further stress on Jun. Dokyeom answers, “Maybe you needed space, hyung. I’m sorry.” 

”Just,” Jun starts. His eyes find Dokyeom hand who is on the boy’s knees. “Just hold my hand?” 

The car starts with only the engine being heard. He keeps his head up, sleepiness forgotten as he looks ahead straight ahead with focus. In front is Shua driving who looks at him every now and then from the rearview mirror in sympathy. He clutches the stirring wheel tighter, wanting to speed up just so he can bring Jun home. However, he knows that would do worse which is why he drives slower than he normally does. 

In the back is Dino feeling the need to go to the bathroom to pee. In any normal situation, he would whine and announce his need. But he pushes it down, knowing damn well it doesn’t matter if he wants to pee. He lays his head on Hansol’s shoulder with the rapper laying his hand on his knee for comfort. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> how is everybody? i hope everyone is doing great. please comment your feedbacks. i love you all. your comments just make me smile. please be safe always.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jun basks in the feeling togetherness. He's not completely out of the woods, but he is doing okay with the help of his brothers. It's all that matters for now.

Jun’s eyes slowly open as he wakes up from his toes peeking from the thick and soft sheets. His eyes dazedly stare at the white ceiling that is no longer that of the hospitals. He sits upright, leaning against the headboard and looking around. The relief gradually washes over him at the familiarity of his room that he hasn’t seen for three weeks. Heaviness hovers above his head and spreads with the main point of pain by his concussion. He winces at the reminders of the doctor before leaving yesterday. 

_”You should anticipate vomiting and dizziness from time to time. There are some cases of recovering patients from severe concussion that experience nausea and dizziness. We call it post-concussion syndrome and it might last for weeks or even months. There’s medication for that but I just want you to expect it.”_

Jun closes his eyes, thankful the nausea and dizziness is not happening to him yet, just the old classic heavy feeling on his head. He carries his heavy body off the bed and drags himself downstairs where he is welcomed by the smell of bacon. He finds Shua on the kitchen, quietly frying bacons while Dokyeom boils ramen on the other stove. Jun can’t help but giggle as he sees the cultural difference in front of him. 

Dokyeom sees him first as he eagerly calls him out, “Hyung, are you awake?” 

He doesn’t bother answering as he gets a glass of water for himself. Shua turns around, wearing a cherry printed apron and holding a slotted frying ladle. He sends Jun a smile and says, “Take a seat, we’re gonna have breakfast soon.” 

Jun sees the tall stack of pancakes the members occasionally indulge in thanks to Shua. His eyes see a pitcher of orange juice together with the coffeemaker pouring pure, black coffee. “Uh…aren’t all of these a bit too much?” 

”What do you mean? Of course not,” Shua answers as he places the last three strips of bacon on the plate already full of bacons. He walks over to where Jun is and lays a hand on his shoulder. “How are you feeling?” 

”I’m good!” He chirps, honestly this time. “Just feeling like my head is heavy but that’s expected!” 

”Anything we need to know or you have to tell us?” Shua’s finger under Jun’s chin raise his head so he can look straight into the elder’s eyes. It makes him grumpy every now and then how the elders know exactly how to making him admit into something. Just create eye contact and suddenly Jun feels great guilt when he even thinks about lying. 

”The doctor did say I should expect nausea and dizziness, although it’s not happening yet so I guess we’re in the clear?” 

Shua sends him a heartwarming smile that makes him feel giddy. On normal days, Jun would be the one to wake up early in the dorm but given his present well-being he isn’t surprised he slept in a bit more. Suddenly, the door busts open with Mingyu holding a large Tupperware. The rest of the members follow in their lounge wear, bare faced and some heads literally uncombed. If anything they look more recently awoken than him. 

”Surprise!” Soonyoung screams, arms up in the air. 

”Uh…” is all Jun can let out as they all squeeze inside the joint dining and kitchen area. Minghao, Jihoon, Hansol, and Dino come down from the stairs with Minghao heading straight to him. 

”You okay?” Jun inquires. 

Minghao looks confused. “Should I not be the one asking you that?” 

”Huh?” 

”Nothing hurts?” 

”Hm? Nope, no. I’m good, just hungry. The bacon’s gonna get cold.” 

The others welcome him with asking how he is and giving him hugs and kisses. They all rush to the table with Shua, Dokyeom, and Mingyu taking it upon themselves to serve the others. Jeonghan, Coups, and Minghao are left surrounding him. 

”We thought it’s a good idea to just give you a rest for the whole day but…” Cheol starts. 

”But this is our only free day and the kids thought it’s best to spend time with you,” Jeonghan finishes. 

”When they become noisy or out of control, I’ll tell them off. We’ll kick them out, ge,” Minghao says. 

Jun laughs. “Guys, it’s okay. I’ve been alone for the most of three weeks, I don’t mind noise. I promise. Let’s get some food, please?” The four of them turn around and see the once full, large plate of bacon now lessened to just a half of bacon strips covering the plate. Jun immediately jumps beside the table, bumping against the member in front of him but not caring at all. It’s Wonwoo, but the man barely cares as he’s already used to bumping to other members with the fact they’ve all lived in a small dorm before. 

The others decide to stay on the living room to eat more comfortably. Jun got the privilege of sitting on the chair so he can get food immediately. He grins giddily at all the members, the fact of him being one of the eldest thrown out the window. He indulges in the food, literally thanking the heavens after eating all the hospital food. The food in the hospital was good, he didn’t even lose much weight, but that didn’t mean it could be as good as a homemade food cooked by the members. 

”Let’s watch a movie after this!” Chan screams. 

”Since you’re the one who got the idea, wash the dishes!” Seungkwan screams back. 

The eager and bright smile of the youngest falls into a frown. The rest laughs at him with Jeonghan taking pity and telling him he will help. Chan’s frown goes back into a smile, completely forgetting he was forced to a chore he didn’t sign up for. Jun, on the other hand, sits back after downing a glass of orange and looks around with contentment. 

Now he just needs to get back to his healthy state to perform along the members. With a renowned sense of self, he stands up and says, “I’ll help with the dishes.” 

All of them disapprove, together with the members who are already lounging in the living area yelling their disapproval. He meekly sits back on the chair, flustered at the loud voicing out of opinions. Hannie coos at him, pinching his cheeks with a mellow “aigoo”. “Junnie, did you take your meds already?” 

When he says no, he receives a glare from the elder followed by a scold from Seungkwan who is literally across the table, stuffing his cheeks with noodles. Jun rolls his eyes and goes back to the room to get his medicines. He comes back and takes the capsules with a huge gulp of water. “Done. Happy?” 

Chan leads him to the living area, away from Minghao whose arm was around his shoulder a few moments ago. He lets Chan tug him to the bean bag their dorm also has while looking at Minghao who is wearing an unreadable expression. He tilts his head to send a telepathic question that asks if he’s okay but Minghao merely shakes his head and sends a smile. Chan literally pushes him down on the bean bag and squeezes himself beside him, both their butts shuffling on the same cushion of sit comfortably. Jun sighs. They been given two dorms for them to live comfortably but many years of living in the same building made them miss the experience of squeezing with each other. Not to mention literally invading each other’s personal space. This is why the fans think they share the same brain cell, because that is undeniably accurate.

”What movie are we watching?” He asks. 

Vernon enters with two large bowls full of popcorn. “Jumanji.” 

”Does it not have a sequel already?” Seungcheol asks. “I’ve already watched the first movie.” 

”Well, we haven’t,” Jihoon retorts, grasphing a handful of popcorn in his bare hand. Cheol looks at him in disgust and proceeds to sit beside Wonwoo on the couch. Jun’s right eyebrow raise as he looks at the sight. Literally they’ve just ate late breakfast and now they’re eating popcorn. He smiles eventually. If this is not the life, then he does not know what is. 

Minghao sits on the floor beside Mingyu whose muscled arm rests around his back. Jun looks at Minghao intently, hoping the younger would feel his stare and look at him. But the younger doesn’t. He simply fidgets on the carpeted floor and snuggles further in Mingyu’s side embrace before sitting up straight and leaning against the couch. Jun fights back a smile, finding it adorable how he’s avoiding his stare but cannot help but fidget under it. It’s not only Jun who becomes shy. 

”Jun-ah,” Jihoon calls him. “This is for you.” He gives a full bowl of popcorn to him while the boys eye the bowl for three solid seconds before they go back to watching the movie. On normal days they would literally wrestle for this bowl, but he guesses this is one of the perks of being injured. Chan eagerly takes the bowl from his hand, happy he’s beside the most privileged member at the moment. 

”Guess there’s a bright side to being injured, huh,” Jun whispers at the maknae before even dwelling on the idea of the sentence. 

Chan’s face literally crumple in disagreement. “ _Aish,_ hyung! Don’t say that!” He whisper-yells. 

”Don’t say what?” Seungkwan asks as he throws a popcorn in his mouth. 

”Nothing,” Jun laughs and ruffles Chan’s hair. “As you know, he’s being overacting.” 

Seungkwan shrugs his shoulders and crawls on all fours from across the living area to sit beside Jun. As he cannot fit in the bean bag with Dino and Jun nearly holding each other up just for them not to fall to the ground, he crosses his legs to sit beside Jun on the floor and leans against his torso. Jun wraps his arm around Seungkwan who extends his arm and grabs a handful of popcorn. Jun sniffs. It’s the popcorn he’s after, huh? 

Seungkwan laughs at Jun’s flustered expression. “Hyung, look at your face!” 

Mingyu, who is still beside Hao, makes a loud shush, which immediately shuts Seungkwan up. Of course, he has to stick his tongue out before following the puppy’s orders. As they all continue watching the movie, occasionally laughing at the jokes or reacting largely to certain scenes, Jun feels the headache.

He has not decided yet which headache he likes more between the gradual ascending pain before it reaches to a full-blown attack and the sudden smash on his head that knocks Jun’s eyesight for a second. He sighs, thinking this day will go perfect. He decides to close his eyes, hoping the migraine would pass after a few seconds. He goes back to watching the movie, thinking it will distract him from thinking about the migraine. Stupid. The moving camera angle makes it worse and he proceeds leaning back his head on the bean bag with closed eyes. 

”Hyung, what’s wrong?” Seungkwan whispers in his ear. 

Dino lays the bowl of popcorn on the floor and looks at him in worry. He looks at the youngest members who are hovering over him like rescuers who pulled a drowning man out of the ocean. Maybe it would be better if they make it less obvious that something is wrong with him. 

”Hm? No, no. I’m fine, just a migraine,” he answers. “This is normal to happen. I just need meds for it.” He reaches for the medicine case left on the coffee table just because he was too lazy to put them back in his room when he took his morning meds earlier. He ignores the stares of the members, especially from a certain somebody, who are worried and probably contemplating whether they should act out their concerns or simply let him drink medicine. He prays they all decide to the latter, after all, they share one brain cell. 

”How bad is it, hyung?” Mingyu asks concernedly, looking at him with bright and curious eyes. 

Of course, someone has to break the ice. Jun shakes his head. “It’s not that bad at the moment, I promise. And the doctor said I should expect this, so this is all normal. Don’t worry, okay?” The boys warily accept his explanation and go on with the movie. The day continues with all of them lounging around until during the afternoon and they reach the 2 PM slump. Seungkwan stretches his arms and stands up. He asks those who would like coffee and proceeds to order a delivery from the café they all like. 

As Jun feels his backache from sitting around for so long, he stands up to have a stretch. Without even thinking about it, he shakes his head as his eyesight blurs from watching three movies in a row. With how busy they are, movie marathons in the SEVENTEEN household are utterly crazy. The craziest movie marathon Vernon had with some of the members is finishing half of the Harry Potter trilogy in one sitting. Jun can’t even imagine sitting still for two hours straight while watching TV, especially now that his head is a lot more sensitive than normal, head spinning and not in a normal way or whatsoever. Without a word, he heads to his room and throws himself on the bed facedown. 

He is happy to be home but he can exhaustion taking a toll on him. It’s also worth mentioning that he panicked over a freaking van last night. How long is he gonna be like this? How long is he going to fear vehicles? His doctor told him he can consult about his mental well-being when he think he is well enough from the concussion as he constantly tells him to “take one step at a time.” But his fears are slowing him and the entire group down. 

”Hey.” 

Nausea hits him as his head whips around to see who interrupted his self-pity. Minghao notices the discomfort as he rushes to him and helps him sit up straight. He leans against the headboard with his friend’s help as his head falls to the side. 

”Shit, shit,” Minghao curses. “I’m sorry, did I surprise? Shit, are you alright?” 

”Y-You just caught me...off guard, s’all’. I’m alright,” Jun assures him, eyes closed. “It’s also the movies. Too much light and moving colors for a long time.” 

”What can I do, ge?” Minghao asks, sitting beside him and looking at him with worry, hands cradling his cheeks. 

”Just stay,” is all he can mutter. “Here is quiet…’ere is nice. Let’s stay ‘ere ‘fore the…coffee ‘rives, hm?” 

Peace lies between them as Minghao watches Jun’s furrowed eyebrows slowly relax. His grip around his hand loosen as he falls asleep. He watches the elder sleep like a sickly innocent child and instinctively runs his fingers through his hair. He studies his face and smiles in sadness. The color in his face is thankfully coming back to him but there is still weakness evident in his eyes and voice. He continues watching the boy sleep, feeling something indescribable stir in his chest. Hearing the boy’s cheery voice last night in the living room of the other dorm pierced his heart in surprise. It was the kind of surprise that you cannot be happy about. Literal chills ran over his body last night as he stood frozen while watching his member give kisses and hugs to the newcomer. He was incredibly distressed by the sight that he couldn’t control his own feet from running away. 

Now that Jun is here, the degree of relief is immeasurable. Only last night when he knew Jun was sleeping on the other room did Minghao realized he wasn’t breathing properly for the past three weeks. Only when his mind surpassed the shock from the sudden arrival did Minghao feel his heart actually beat properly. He never wants to go through the emotions he felt in the span of three weeks. Everyone was worried. Jun hasn’t checked news articles and blog posts yet, but the group was worried sick, to say the least. Everyone was informed by Jun that he doesn’t want to read anything related to the accident, especially about the incident. Jun has no idea about the media craze. He has no idea how he and the group were featured back-to-back in nationwide news channels, first for the car accident and second for the sasaeng incident. He has no idea how the entire fandom when into shock about the car accident, and then into _frenzy_ upon learning about the sasaengs. 

Jun told the group a few weeks ago that the only article he read was the article released by Pledis. The members and the company understood, as to how they saw Jun panic because they were an hour late from going to the hospital. Everyone knew that there is no need for discussion before they unanimously decide that Jun can have all the space and time in the world if he wants to. 

He loses track of time as he watches Jun sleep, relieved to see the peaceful heaving of his chest. Suddenly, the door quietly opens and Soonyoung peeks his head in. An automatic smile grows on the dancer’s face as he sees the sight before him. 

”I hope you’re aware you look creepy watching him sleep like that,” Soonyoung comments teasingly. 

Minghao rolls his eyes but makes no objection. He does look a little bit creepy watching Jun sleep but, “I just need to reassure myself, you know.” 

Hoshi’s teasing smile drop to an understanding one and he walks inside the room and leans against the closed door. “He’s back, Myungho-ah. You don’t need to worry so much anymore. If he needs our help there are twelve boys who can take care of him. He’s gonna get 100% healthy in time, you of all people should know that.” 

”Yeah.” Minghao _should_ actually know that. 

”I know he often downplays the pain he’s feeling but try to understand him when you’re scolding him okay? Maybe he’s telling himself he’s going to be okay every time he assures us he feels okay. Let’s trust Junnie, okay? We just need to be with him.” 

When Minghao nods as an answer, Soonyoung tells him the coffee and food they ordered have arrived. With one last look at the sleeping prince, Minghao follows him out of the room after tucking the blanket tight around him. 

  
  


Jun slowly descends to the stairs, hearing yells from the living room. The first person who notices him is Dokyeom who asks, “Hyung, are you awake?” 

Jun nods sleepily, mind still mushy from the sleep. “Yeah. Where are the others?” 

”Oh, Jeonghan hyung, Mingyu, and Chan went out to pick up some ingredients. We’re gonna cook lots for dinner!” Dokyeom answers with wide eyes, already excited by the feast later. 

Jun laughs. “Is it someone’s birthday, because we’ve never done this before on a normal day? Like all of us, under one roof? Aren’t you guys supposed to be out somewhere?” On a normal free day, only a handful of members will be seen staying home and even then, the others who have been outside for the entire day will be dragging them out of the house for dinner in a grilling restaurant. Since they’re all so busy and they never had a proper vacation ever since they debuted, everybody tries to do the things they want to do whenever they get less busy or free days. To see all of the members under one roof in a free day confuses him, not that he has no idea why everyone is present inside the dorm. 

”Come on, hyung,” Dokyeom scolds. “You just got home. We can’t give you a proper welcoming because we need to make sure you’re resting, not to mention you’re more greedy for sleep than normal. So it’s just right that we party casually here at home. The cake you ordered is in the kitchen. Hoshi hyung almost ate it but I saved it for you, so thank me hyung.” 

Jun smiles and pats the boy’s back as thank you and heads to the kitchen. While munching on the cake, Minghao walks in and looks startled as they meet eyes. 

”What’s wrong?” Jun asks while chewing. 

Minghao lets out an awkward laugh. “Nothing, nothing. I’m just…”

”You’re already not used to seeing me around here? Just for three weeks I was away,” Jun asks in teasing incredulousness. 

Minghao shakes his head. “You know it’s not that. I’m just…a part of me just can’t believe you’re home,” he tells him quietly. He sits down beside Jun after pulling out another cake from the fridge. 

If Jun guesses his right why the boy is close to whispering, it’s because he doesn’t want the others to hear such honesty coming from him. It may be because the boy is shy but Jun knows deep inside Minghao chooses to say it just between the two of them. As much as Minghao is very honest and direct to his feelings, there are things he hesitates to utter sometimes. But because he has known Jun as this stubborn, relentless, and playful person who would push Minghao to say things when they were trainees, it eventually became nature for Minghao to tell him things he can’t outright say out loud. 

”Well, you need to believe I’m here because you can’t be looking so shocked every time you see me at home,” Jun says teasingly. “I’m beautiful, but not _that_ beautiful.” 

What Jun expects from Minghao is a roll of his eyes with a dry, smartass remark from the narcissistic statement, but life has been very generous to him with surprises. The younger boy stops eating the slice of cake and looks straight into Jun’s eyes with eyes bright of sincerity. Jun thinks he can drown in them if he wants to. _He does_. Minghao smiles. “You’re actually very beautiful, ge.” 

Jun simply lets out a shy laugh, vocabulary in his native tongue forgotten by the simple compliment. 

”You’re only eating your cake now?” He asks the younger boy curiously as there is no way Minghao ordered two slices of cake and set aside the second for another serving. The boy eats well, but just to the point for him to be healthy. He isn’t like the other members with a remarkable appetite that makes space for when they want to eat more. 

”Hm? Oh, I waited for you,” Minghao answers nonchalantly. Of course, it doesn’t strike him how it does to Jun. The boy continues eating at a normal pace until he notices Jun looking at him, cake forgotten. “Ge, is anything wrong?”

”How many hours did you wait for me that night?” The words spill out of his mouth before Jun realizes it. 

”What?” 

”You waited for me that night so we can eat dinner together. How long did you wait for me?” 

The fork slowly settles on the plate as Minghao looks down at the dessert. “Too long.” 

Jun can’t think of anything aside from smile apologetically. “I’m sorry. You must have been hungry.” 

Minghao looks up at him. “It’s nothing. I forgot the hunger when I got the call.” 

”Oh.” It is Jun’s turn to find the cake interesting. “So that’s how you guys found out, they called you.” 

”Your phone…it was on the mat of the car when they got you. It was the only thing they were able to quickly retrieve during the emergency. Thank goodness they called me,” Minghao explains quietly. 

Jun doesn’t bother asking why he is explaining with such simplicity as if they weren’t throwing back an accident. He doesn’t expect to hear Minghao say things with drama and overflowing poignancy because he doesn’t have to. He knows Minghao and understands him no matter how different they are. He knows the boy was hurting and is hurting until now. 

”I’m sorry I made you wait that night. We weren’t able to eat dinner together.” Jun takes his hand in his. 

Minghao feels warmth enclose around his hand and shakes his head slightly. “You don’t have to apologize. I’ll always wait for you.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry I've been gone for so long! School was crazy, but finally I am over with the finals! I can update this story faster, now that I have more time. There has been lots of things on my plate lately which is why I haven't been able to write as much as I want to. Hope you guys enjoy this chapter and the next! Since I have bee gone for a while, I decided to publish two chapters! Hope you have a fun read. Love you all and please stay safe.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jun decides to finally visit a doctor but his worry doesn't overpower his love for the people around him, especially for the boy who has been his solace all this time.

Two days after his arrival at the dormitory, Jun decides to finally meet with a doctor regarding his mental condition. Some of the boys have asked him last night if he’s ready or he’s okay with finally seeing a doctor, and with all honesty, Jun tells them he wants to do it. The others didn’t bother asking him or saying anything, just gave him pats on the back and a rub on the head, which is as comforting as the supporting words told to him. Minghao, on the other hand, is only saying something about it at the moment. 

”Ge,” Minghao trails off as they sit beside each other on the floor of the balcony of his room. “Do you want me to go with you tomorrow?” 

”Huh?” Jun asks with confusion. “What? No, no. You don’t have to. I’ll be fine. Besides, you guys have a schedule tomorrow. You can’t be absent when I’m already absent.” 

”Are you really okay with this?” Minghao asks. “It’s good that you’re going but, you don’t have to show me you’re completely fine with it. You don’t have to hide anything from me, ge. You should tell me if you’re scared or worried.” 

”I am worried,” Jun replies with a bitter smile. “But I’m not scared. I want to face this more than ever because I want things to go back to normal. And well, after everything that happened I think some things will not be the same anymore but isn’t this what I’ve been doing since I was a kid? Just keep on getting into things and places that continuously change my life. I decided to act as a child and then I decided to go become come here to be an idol. Change is the only thing that has always been constant in my life, Minghao. And during the times when I was younger, I was scared of change. But I faced it, didn’t I? Now, it’s the same but also a lot more different. I don’t feel alone. Back then, getting into acting and K-pop was scary because I was alone. But now I have you guys here with me, and it’s enough. I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow or the next few days but what matters is that you guys won’t leave me alone, will you?” 

”Of course not,” Minghao whispers, he continues staring at Jun until he lets out a melancholic smile. “Many people think you’re childish…and for the most part, you are. But they don’t really see you like this.” 

”See me like what?” 

Minghao scoots closer and turns to face Jun. His hand reaches out to him, pushing back Jun’s hair affectionately. With too much affection, Jun thinks. “People always see the cheerful, playful, annoying Jun. I’m lucky that I’ve seen many kinds of Jun. A worried Jun. A scared Jun. A sad Jun.” 

Jun chuckles. “A worried, scared, and sad Jun is still the cheerful, playful, annoying Jun. Every Jun you have seen is the same Jun that has been with you all these years.” 

Minghao nods with a soft laugh. “If only people can see how wise you can be sometimes.” 

”What for? Don’t mind them. I decided to show them my talent and my cheerful, playful, and annoying self. That’s enough for now. A wise and clever Jun stays between us only.” 

”Yeah, a wise and clever Jun is mine only,” Minghao proclaims softly. “Even if he is the one with the playful, cheerful, and annoying Jun, I want a wise and clever Jun to be mine only.” 

Jun feels warmth all over his body even when the cool air of the evening is surrounding them. “Yeah?” 

”Yeah,” the younger affirms. “But…that’s selfish of me. I shouldn’t keep that side of you all to myself.” 

Jun can’t help but internally melt at his words and at the sight of Minghao’s head ducked low to hide his embarrassment. Of course, his red ears don’t hide much. Jun calmly lays the younger’s head on his shoulder and looks at the dark sky. “It’s okay. You can be selfish too.” 

”Yeah?” Minghao asks for reassurance. 

”Of course,” Jun assures him. “No one’s going to take me away from you, I’m sure of that.” 

He doesn’t hear a response which tells him they’re onto spending time with each other in comfortable silence now and Jun doesn’t mind at all. Not when his medication is giving him sleepy and drowsy side effects and his migraines alone make him want to fall into a deep slumber. Jun has been experiencing all kinds of silence ever since the accident, and the silence at the moment is the type of absence of noise that reminds him of calm waters. He wants to bathe in the calmness with the only person who has been standing with him all this time; walking on the same path as his since their respective paths crossed. He prays for time to stop for the person who is falling asleep with his head on his shoulder.

  
  


The next day, Jun arrives to an empty dorm from a psychologist’s clinic. The dorm is unsettlingly quiet which leads to him pushing the curtains to side to let the afternoon sunlight inside the living room. His feet next leads him to vinyl player Woozi apparently bought a few weeks ago since Vernon got him interested in vinyl CDs. He doesn’t bother checking if he will like the music, he simply wants to get rid of the silence in their home. His feet and hands move to their own accord as he prepares lunch good for one person. 

The boys who live in the dorm arrive before dinner with slouched shoulders, but their pleasant expressions tell him they had a good practice. Envy strikes Jun’s chest as he watches the members come in. Minghao walks in last but his eyes are easily able to meet his. Jun looks away from the younger’s questioning look, knowing the look is because he hasn’t replied to two text messages. The younger was asking him about how the visit to the doctor went, but Jun didn’t want to talk about it. Not through the phone. It’s hard enough to ask himself how he is feeling, let along explaining it somebody else through a keypad. 

”Oh? You made dinner, hyung?” Dokyeom asks in disbelief. When Jun nods, Dokyeom cries out in gratefulness and gives the elder a warm hug. Jun grimaces at the smell of sweat and feeling of sticky skin but he smiles anyway, happy he has done something for the group who has been working throughout his absence. 

”Thank you,” Joshua tells him with an appreciating smile and a pat on his cheek. “How did it go?” 

Jun wants to say he doesn’t want to talk about it but the members are already right in front of him (aside from Dokyeom who literally ran to the dining room upon smelling the food), and he knows they deserve an explanation. “Nothing serious, the doctor made me tell him everything he needed to know apart from the medical record they sent him. He was really gentle with the questions, I like that. I thought I would get riled up or something,” he explains with a laugh. 

Woozi, Vernon, and Dino are all listening to him attentively with concerned and overly concentrated looks that automatically pressures Jun. “Hey, hey, I’ll tell you guys the rest later. Let’s get some food inside your bellies, yeah? Let’s not wait for our maknae’s stomach to growl, hm?” 

Dino pouts at him but snuggles deeper into Jun’s side embrace anyway when the elder wrapped an arm around his frame. “Should you even be cooking for us, hyung? Don’t you feel the side effects of your medicine? You shouldn’t move around the house so much…wait, why is the house so clean? Hyung, you cleaned?” 

”Yep.” 

”Is our couch color yellow?” Vernon suddenly asks. The rest follows Vernon and peeks their head in the living room, blinking in surprise at the sight of their then white couch that is now a vibrant combination of yellow and orange hues. 

”Actually the packaging said it’s in the shade amber,” Jun rectifies. “It’s nice, isn’t? Gives life to our room!” 

”WAIT! ARE THOSE PLANTS?” Dino shouts beside Jun, index finger pointing at the tall potted plants at the corner of the room, just by the bean bag they love to sit on. “Hyung, you know we can’t take care of plant, we’re always away!” 

”They’re fake plants, chill.” Jun looks at the members comically peeking their heads to see the living room as if they can’t walk in. “Hey, what are we doing here? The food will get cold.” 

He pushes them to the dining area to which made Joshua stop in his tracks. The eldest in the dorm scans the place, confused at the sight the kitchen. The countertops are shining, the cupboards are glistening as the light hits their surface, there is a brand new vase beside the sink holding fake tulips, there are cartoon magnets on the fridge, and there are plates and glasses on the table that Joshua has no recollection of using. He looks at the tiles that are squeaky clean, almost as if the person who cleaned didn’t bother using a mop but rather knelt on the ground to clean them in Cinderella’s way. He turns around, emotions unidentifiable even to himself. 

”Jun, you– no, you– Moon Junhui, did you clean the entire house?” The volume of Joshua’s voice turn up higher than Jun expects but not on the level that would make him think he angered the eldest of the dorm. He is looking at him with wide eyes, which almost wants to make Jun laugh as the members who arrived with him are digging into the food behind him. “Jun-ah, why are you laughing? Tell me, did you clean the entire house?” 

”Uh, yeah?”

”Including the floors upstairs?” Shua slowly asks. 

”Uh…yeah,” Jun answers slowly to match his pace. “Well, not your rooms too, obviously. There’s no way I’m cleaning Hansol-ah’s room. And I also did our laundry! But I didn’t separate whose who’s because I’ve been gone for a few weeks and I’ve seen coats and jackets I never knew you guys had. Also, I– why are you looking at me like that?” 

”You’ve only been home for three days, Jun-ah,” Shua reminds him in a collected manner but Jun can tell by the slight authoritative tone that the elder means business. 

Jun can’t help but pout (he isn’t aware he is pouting of course). “So? I have nothing to do at home. And it’s not like I can’t walk or I’m super weak. Besides, I’ve moved around more back in the hospital. You have no idea how hyper Minjae and Mina can be. The doctor also said exercise is good, just so my body won’t fall back to such a weak state since I’m used to being able to move a lot. I didn’t run around the house anyway, and it’s not like I cleaned everything including the ceiling. Just this floor and the tiles upstairs and my room. And I may have done a little bit of decorating from the stuff that I bought a while ago from the boutique after my trip to the clinic. Don’t look at me like that, Shua hyung! You’re not actually mad, are you?” 

”Shua hyung, have some food,” Minghao intercepts. “Besides, Jun has a point. Exercise is also good, his body can’t diminish into not moving around a lot or else it might get harder for him to go back to performing when it’s time.” 

Joshua chokes on the air in disbelief. “Wait, you’re okay with this? All this time, it’s been you who has been overly worried about him and you’re not worried and mad at him?” 

”A little bit worried, but not mad. But Jun hyung meant well by cleaning the house,” Minghao says, hands on Joshua’s shoulders to give a few rubs for comfort. 

”And I also took a good nap after cleaning,” Jun feels the need to add. “Don’t be mad, please? I just wanted to do something for you guys since you’ve all been working hard while I was gone.” 

Joshua exhales and shakes his head. “I’m not mad, just a little bit annoyed that you did all this while you’ve been having dizzy spells and migraines. How ‘bout now, is your head okay?” 

”It’s okay. My head doesn’t hurt at all, I promise! Now can we eat? I only had bread a while ago because I was waiting for you guys, hm?” 

With a final reprimanding but gentle glare on him, Joshua walks away and joins the others who are stuffing their faces with food. Jun is left with Minghao who suddenly grabs his wrist and pulls him to his chest. In shock, he does nothing as Minghao presses his lips to his ear. 

”I meant it when I told you I don’t want to find that you did something exhausting while we’re away ge,” Minghao roughly whispers to his ear. His warm breath tickles Jun’s ear and neck which instinctively causes him to take a few steps back for distance but Minghao only pulled him rougher to his chest. The chest on chest contact sends his heart racing as his eyes freeze on the members eating without a care in the world. The warmth originating from the younger seem to emanate in darkness. But not black. If he would describe this current warmth in color it would be a sultry red, like a ruby. Almost reminding him of Minghao’s favorite alcohol. 

”What are you doing?” Jun finds himself asking under his breath. 

The hand around his wrist tightens as if the boy thinks he plans to walk away. Jun isn’t sure if Minghao knows that he won’t ever walk away from him. Not even if he wants to and he will never want to walk away from him. 

”I hate it when you make me worry,” Minghao grumbles under his breath. He releases Jun’s wrist and walks away with a dark look in his eyes that make Jun feel the delectable kind of nervous. In contrast to the way he was grabbed moments ago, Minghao laces his fingers with his and leads him to the dining table where they finally join the others to eat.

It’s worth sharing that Jun did not look at Minghao the entire time they ate dinner. Also when they watched TV side by side on the couch. Also when they decided to settle in their own rooms for the night. 

Jun lays on his back staring at the white ceiling which reminds him of the different white ceiling he has grown accustomed waking up to a few weeks ago. The digital alarm clock on his nightstand tells him it’s 12:30 am and he doesn’t feel an ounce of sleepiness in his system. His phone makes a ‘ding’ noise and he sees a text message from the boy himself who has been making him a different kind of nervous. He doesn’t think about the fact that he shot up from the bed to sit just to read the text message properly. Jun has been weirder lately, this doesn’t surprise him anymore. 

_I can’t sleep. How about u? Are you sleeping?_

_You’re probably already asleep. Good night hyung._

Upon reading the last message did Jun realize it’s the first night in weeks that they haven’t told each other good night. Why that slightly saddens him, he doesn’t know. But his fingers immediately rush a reply: 

_i can’t sleep too. do you want to eat ramen?_

The reply comes surprisingly quick. 

_We already had that a while ago at the company. How about jajjangmyeon? Should I order now?_

Jun’s replies comes quicker. _Yes_

He rushes to Minghao’s room without a knock and finds the boy laying on the bed, legs spread wide and one arm under his head. He doesn’t know why seeing the boy like that made him more nervous but he is not about to take few steps back to wallow in embarrassment in his room. Why did he have to open the door like that? 

”Goodnes gracious, ge! Can’t you knock? Or open the door gently at least? I thought you were going to bust the door down. You scared me,” Minghao complains, hand on his heart. 

”Oh yeah? You scared me earlier too,” Jun drawls and closes the door gently this time. Minghao chuckles arrogantly at the reply which sends heat to form below Jun’s stomach. Something is wrong with the medicines, that’s why he is like this. Probably new side effects or something. 

”You’ve been scaring me for weeks, ge. I just want to pay back,” is Minghao’s reply after a few seconds of silence. 

Jun sits on the edge of the bed with his legs crossed and looks at Minghao’s emotionless face. But Jun knows better. He crawls beside him after contemplating and sees solemnity swim around his eyes. He fingers the loose hair dangling on his forehead back and lets his hand travel down to the back of his head and finally rest on his nape. A deep sigh escapes from Minghao’s lips that slightly cracks Jun’s heart. 

”I’m sorry, baby,” Jun whispers the words before he processed it completely in his brain. But there’s no turning back, not when his apology oozes so much honesty and guilt. “I’ve caused you so much fear these past few weeks. I’m so sorry.” 

Minghao laughs, startling Jun slightly. “Fear? Not just fear, ge. Pain. You’ve caused me so much pain. You scared me so much it hurt my heart physically, ge. It was so bad.” Tears started to trickle down his cheeks to which he roughly wipes away, shifting on the bed to escape from Jun’s hold on his nape. But Jun is having none of it. His hands grips Minghao’s slender arms, demanding him to look into his eyes. 

”I know, I know. I’m so sorry. I hurt me seeing you cry on the phone, I hated every second of it. I seldom see you cry and it had to be through the screen. I’m so sorry I scared you and hurt you because I got into an accident. I’m sorry I had to be away from you for weeks.” Jun’s watery eyes are now matching Minghao’s, whose hands found Jun’s waist. 

They hold each other gently like two sculptures brought to life; holding each other and protecting each other’s fragility in an enclosed dark museum. Their foreheads touch, eyes closed and crying quietly. They share each other’s pain, crying for each other but also at the fact that they’re finally together. For weeks, both of them lived with a missing puzzle piece. They floated around like lone stars in the vast, dark night. As if they see the moonlight from faraway but the distance is too great to also bask in it. But now they are together, they still are not past the dark experience of being lonely starts at night. The pain is too much and yet their presence, without words needed, is enough for them to understand and believe that time made them wait for each other which is why time can also heal their scars and wounds. 

  
  


They lie down on the bed with their stomachs full from the ordered jajjangmyeon, facing each other and just looking at each other’s face. It’s Minghao who breaks the silence. ”What happened in the clinic?” 

”The doctor already had my file so I didn’t have to tell everything from the start. But I had to describe how I would panic and when I would panic…like the time I was waiting for you guys and I burst into tears after realizing you guys were okay. He told me that my situation might be a little different and I can have panic attacks only until I went past the fear of the s-sasaengs. It’s different for everybody but that could be my case. You know how when something really scary or shocking happens to somebody and for a period of time he can’t help but dwell on it, something like that. But it could develop into an actual panic disorder. Of course, I can learn how to control it and get better with treatment. I need to come back tomorrow, too.” 

”And how are you feeling?” Minghao asks, eyes swollen like his from crying. 

”I’m a little worried if it takes me a while before I get better... I badly want to go back working. But I know I can’t rush it. But I also know I’m gonna get better in the future. I didn’t panic over the car this morning before coming to the clinic, so that’s an achievement,” Jun tells him with a smile. 

”I’m proud of you,” Minghao responds with a returning smile. “You did well today, ge. Thank you for also cleaning the house.” 

Jun doesn’t return a reply, his eyelids falling as he feels sleepiness swallow his system. In the last moments of being awake, he thinks he hears a whisper from the younger, “I love you.” 

Jun wakes earlier than he has a few days ago, which pleases him as that means he is coming back to his normal routine. Unknown to him, Joshua is already awake when he sees him leaving Minghao’s room early in the morning. Happiness blossoms in the elder’s chest as sends a message to Jeonghan. 

_To: Hannie_

_they are going somewhere finally._

_From: Hannie_

_What do you mean_

_What happened –coupsie_

_To: Hannie_

_Jun-ah slept in myungho’s room. Heard them crying together last night too._

_From: Hannie_

_aigoo, they needed that. They will be okay._

_tell jun-ah that you will tell me he has been tiring himself out if he cleans the entire house again –coupsie_

He comes down to the kitchen and sees Jun drinking a cup of herbal tea by the island table. “Jun-ah, it’s my turn to cook breakfast today. Can you also wake the boys up? I think I heard Dokyeom watching TV at 4 am when I went to the bathroom. He won’t hear his alarm now.” 

”Sure, hyung,” Jun smiles. “There’s some tea left there. It’s for you.” 

”Thank you, Junnie. Did you have a good sleep?” 

Jun’s eyes shine at the question which makes Joshua laugh with his secret knowledge. “Yes, hyung. I slept really well last night.” 

Joshua starts making breakfast when he sees Minghao comes down to the kitchen, evidently still sleepy. He sits beside Jun, glaring at the elder for a few seconds before laying his head on his shoulder. “You’re up already?” Jun asks with a laugh. 

As Joshua busies himself with the cooking, he hears Minghao whisper. “You weren’t beside me, that’s why.” 

Joshua cannot control the smile on his face as he works his way with the stove. Thank God Jun is home and okay. Minghao is okay now too. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I hope you guys enjoyed this 2 published chapters as a single update from yours truly. I wanted to give you guys this because I know I've been gone for a while. Feedbacks and comments are well-appreciated as always. Thank you and I love you.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jun is confronted with a truth he is yet to accept. But it doesn't mean the skies are completely dark for him. In the vast night sky, he has his moon watching over him. He is not alone, not even when he fears that the stars above will burn his skin and heart to the touch when he holds them.

Jun’s therapist, Dr. Caville, is a middle-aged man with a bright smile that reminds Jun of his father’s. Looking into his eyes makes feel like can see through your soul just by looking at you. His gentle soul was shining when Jun first saw him, but they were only testing the waters then, simply doing instructions and talking about light stuff. Now, Dr. Caville’s gentle soul seem to be accompanied by the assertive therapist he needs to be. His gentle voice does nothing close to comfort with the weight of the questions being asked to him. 

”So you haven’t checked any news regarding the things that happened to you aside from the article and announcement your company has released?” Dr. Caville asks. 

Jun’s mind stutters for a bit as he contemplates whether he should tell the truth or not. Logic won and he realizes there is really no use in lying to the doctor. “Uh, yes.” 

”Can I ask what made you make such decision?” the doctor shifts in his chair, leaning back and sitting comfortably while Jun’s posture goes rigid. 

”I…I’m not ready yet,” Jun answers truthfully. “It’s not that I don’t wanna see the responses from my fans or from other people but I don’t know what to expect.” 

”And your members haven’t told you anything?” 

”They told me my fans are waiting patiently for me and are wishing me recovery. But the news about me aren’t just about my accident. I-I don’t think I’m ready to see their reactions about…about what happened.” Saying it out loud suddenly causes guilt to pool on his stomach, rising above the surface. What will the doctor think? So much support coming from fans and yet he’s treating them like they are people with threats, waiting with pitchforks and torches in their hands. There is no doubt his fans are patiently waiting, just believing in him and knowing he will push through. But here he is, outright admitting to himself and his therapist that he isn’t ready to hear what the people have to say. 

”I understand. There is nothing wrong with needing time before we confront something. How do you feel that you are currently in the dark about how your fans reacted to your news? Because I can tell what they have to say means so much to you,” the doctor speaks and Jun doesn’t know how he is feeling this time. He feels like there is a box between them containing all his thoughts and emotions and they are simply pulling out every object one by one, describing and analyzing them. 

These are one of the things Jun was worried about. Coming in her requires him to lay out all his cards, including the ones that he isn’t prepared to show yet. The conversation almost feels like a game to him, and he’s losing. 

Jun’s mouth opens to speak but he quickly clamps it shut in a millisecond. He knows how he feels but only in his head can he describe his feelings, but not exactly the name for those feelings. They feel like loose molecules flowing in the air, just far away from each other but spread enough to take up his entire brain. 

”Do you know how you feel or do you not want to share them at the moment, because that’s okay and I can ask you a different question,” Dr. Caville fills the silence in the clean and distilled room. 

”No…no, I can answer. I just um…I just need to gather my thoughts a little bit,” an awkward laugh escapes Jun’s lips which immediately reminds him that if the boys were here and the situation was much lighter, they would be explaining on his behalf. Seungkwan or Mingyu would explain to Dr. Caville that he is being like this because he is burdened and that awkwardness or weirdness is his solution to make up for his lack of proper answers. But he is alone this time with the some of the boys at home and the others having their separate schedule. No one will be hugging him from behind as they laugh at his burdened self. No one will be comforting him as he fails to answer the question in one go. Sadness spreads in his chest as he realizes he missed his members all of sudden. Unknowingly, he starts shifting in his seat as his fingers fidget on top of his knees. 

”If I’m being honest…I just don’t want to hear anybody’s thoughts for a while aside from my family and friends. Everything my fans have to say means so much to me but sometimes…at night and I can’t sleep, I’m just…my head is spinning just because my head…my head is filled with so much thoughts. I can’t think straight sometimes, I-I can’t gather my thoughts because they’re all m-mixed up? Like for a while I’m thankful to be home but I can’t help but just be scared. And I know I don’t have to be scared of my fans because they’re all so supportive and loving but I’m just afraid that if I read them I won’t take their words properly in my head and they’ll just get jumbled up in here.” His index finger touches the right temple of his head, an awkward laugh once again escaping from him once he realizes he just rambled the words out. 

The doctor writes, well scribbles, something on the paper for a few seconds before looking back at him with a smile. “It’s good that you understand you need time before opening yourself up to other people because this means you recognize how you can be under pressure. But I also want to say that this is your fear talking. Your fear, my son, is telling you that you aren’t ready to lend an ear because you already have so much with you at the moment and you are afraid of what’s going to happen once you open those doors once again.” 

Confusion and annoyance prickles under Jun’s skin. “Fear? But…I don’t think I’m scared?” His eyebrows furrow, unable to accept that he is scared. Like what he told Minghao, he isn’t scared. Just worried. 

Surprise is written all over the doctor’s face but he carries on casually anyway. “Oh? You don’t think you’re scared, Jun? May I ask why?” 

”I’m worried,” Jun quietly answers. “My member told me to not be scared but like I said, I’m not scared. I’m worried about what’s going to happen. But not enough for me to back down from this. I want to get better.” 

”Hmm, I’m sorry about that. So let me ask you a question then, just for clarification. Are you worried about how will you take it all in once you listen to what other people have to say?” 

Exactly. “Yes, doc. My fans, they mean the world to me. But others…the others aren’t so kind,” Jun admits. He hates himself for a few seconds on saying those words. As a group, they’ve never paid attention to the haters or those who doubted them. Everything they have done are for their fans because they are the people who matter. Earlier as an idol group, they understood quickly that every move they make will be scrutinized and misinterpreted. It’s better to not focus on them and release materials and content because it is their fans who matter. And yet here he is, considering on what the other will say just because his head can’t gather the correct screws and gears to work properly. Not to mention others would go as far as to invade their privacy. 

”Of course, son. I don’t know what it’s like to be famous like you, but I understand how harsh the outside world can be. It is perfectly understandable if you don’t want to face them yet, Jun. Like what Seungcheol told me on the phone, you can have all the time in the world.” 

”I’m sorry, what? Did you just say…” 

”Your leader’s name? Why, yes I did. He took my number from your manager when your company contacted me. He told me to take care of you.” Crinkles appear by Dr. Caville’s eyes as he laughs. “A very good man, just like you. You boys seem to be very good boys.” 

Warmth blossoms in his chest as he imagines Seungcheol telling the doctor about him and to also take care of him. “They’ve been very supportive of me. Don’t know what I’ll do without my hyungs and dongsaengs.” 

”I’m sure you want to get better because of them as well,” Dr. Caville says. 

”It’s because of them that I want to get better as much as it’s because of my fans too.” They promised each other that they will never be apart. No breaking up, no member leaving, no one changing for the worse. Those rings don’t just classify them as member of SEVENTEEN, those rings were symbols of eternity. Come to think of it, they already married themselves into the group and with each other right from the start. 

”Son, you want to get better for your members and fans, we know that. But don’t you think you’re going too fast?” 

The question freezes Jun like a bucket of ice cold water is thrown on top of his head. “I-I’m sorry… what, I’m not sure I understand?” 

The doctor slowly leans forward, elbows resting on the desk as his hands meet for his fingers to intertwine in a businesslike position. “Son, I observe that you are very quick to answer my questions even if you’re rambling and stuttering. I can tell that you really want to get better. So much so, that I feel like you’re rushing your recovery.” 

Jun’s mind goes into haywire. “Doc, what do you mean? I-I don’t understand, I’m sorry.” 

”Son,” the man starts. “Has it occurred to you that maybe you _do_ actually fear what’s going to happen once you find out about everything the people have said about you? Being fear is being human, Jun. And admitting so is okay because fear is what makes us human. You said you are worried, and that is valid. To be worried and to be scared is more than valid, Jun.” 

Silence fills the air as Jun strives to find the right words to say. But like he said, his mind is not in the right state to think straight for a while now. “I..I-I,” he stammers. Beads of sweat start to form on his forehead as he finds himself unable to look into the doctor’s eyes. He gulps, immensely trying to gather his thoughts. “I-I don’t know what to say, doctor.” 

”Calm down, Jun. That is all I will ask for your session. I don’t want to rush this, Jun. Recovery is different for everybody, especially when it has something to do with our minds. It’s a very important organ, to put it simply, which makes it all the more complex. We need to respect its process, only then you will get better. I would like to guide you every step of the way, Jun. Time is not running for you, son.” 

”It is, though!” His voice raises a few notches which shocks him but the doctor stays unfazed. In fact, the doctor manages to show a fatherly smile. 

”Son, time is not running. You are the one running.” 

His erratic train of thoughts stop in its tracks, clearly taken aback by what was said. He watches Dr. Caville take off his eyeglasses. The doctor looks into his eyes with so much gentleness yet knowledge that it irks Jun. 

”Life goes on, son. That is true. I see many people come and go, dwelling on their problems and the past. It takes some time before they realize life goes on and they would have to bring themselves out of the darkness if they don’t want to get left behind. And then I also meet people like you.” 

”Like me?” Jun echoes. 

”Yes, like you. Those who understand too well that time is gold, that it is precious because you can’t turn back time. People like you know all too well that time waits for nothing and nobody, whether it’s a scar, a burn, an aching heart, or a traumatic past. People like you forget that as much as time waits for nobody, time also heals. And therefore you can’t escape from it. You can’t speed up time because only in the right time you will heal completely. You don’t have to be so afraid to the point that you are afraid of admitting it. The hardest part is acceptance. And once you have accepted the truth, it doesn’t get easier either. But understanding your weaknesses and flaws is crucial, so you can cancel them out and be able to identify your strengths. Now tell me, son. What are your strengths? What keeps you going?” 

”Um…” Jun trails off, taking all the words and simply feeling their weight on his aching heart. “My parents. My younger brother. He’s my strength, definitely. My members. And…and music.” 

The doctor nods, once again writing, well scribbling, something on his notes. “Music, of course. You’ve been a performer for very a long time now. Well…that is all for today. I’m sorry if I stressed you out today, I needed to tell you those things, Jun.” 

”I-I know, it’s alright…It’s just all hard to take in.” 

”I understand. But please do hear me out, hm? You have my phone number, call me or text me whenever you need anything or even when you’re bored, it doesn’t matter. If you want to say something to me, no matter how dumb it is, you send it to me. We don’t have to focus on your condition, son. We can also talk about other things in your life, I’m here to be a friend too.” 

The doctor stands up and stretches his arms in front of him which causes Jun to look at him questioningly, his mind still spinning from all the words said to him. He doesn’t have the energy to laugh at the moment, quite frankly. And he isn’t sure how to react to such a casual doctor, too. “Thank you for your time, doc.” 

He stands up and bows, walks to the door when the doctor speaks up. “Hey, son. Didn’t you say your strength is music?” 

”Uh…yes.” 

The doctor leans back to his chair comfortably. “If music is your strength…then a time will come that you will have to face the music. Doesn’t matter how unexpected or unknown the beats, melody, and lyrics are. Eventually, you’ve gotta face the music.” 

Jun feels annoyed once again and he doesn’t bother hiding it this time. “Doc, you said I needed to take the time. Now I need to face the music. What does that mean?” 

”It means what it means, kid.” A fatherly smile spreads on the doctor’s face once again. “Whatever it means, you’re the only one who can figure it out. After all, you know music by heart. You just need to be in good terms with time.” 

****  


He remains silent in the car, simply muttering a quiet greeting to one of their managers who Jun and the members have been working with for quite a long time. He simply looks out the window, eyes frozen on the sun kissing the horizon, covering the Seoul sky with hues of red, orange, and pink. The buildings and cars quickly pass by his eyes, reminding him of one word that he has been confronted with earlier. Time. 

Time has always been Jun’s shadow. Ever since he decided acting was for him, he has gotten used to following schedules and forcing himself to fit in slotted time frames to complete a scene. When he became a trainee, the hectic schedule barely fazed him. It was the lack of friends and family, Korean vocabulary, and his mother’s cook that threatened to push him into spiraling anxiety and stress, alongside the past uncertainty if they would ever debut. As an idol, a quite famous one at that, time became much more golden. At times, time was a shade of bleeding red. It reminded him that each passing hour is an opportunity to become a much more successful idol, whether it be on stage, on a magazine shoot, on an arena, or Woozi’s recording booth. 

You cannot waste time as a performer, celebrity, especially, as an idol. Or else you’ll be forgotten. As bright as the flash of camera is, it quickly fades away too. As SEVENTEEN, they recognize that they are finally making a mark in the industry. They are known for their synchronized choreographies, well-written and self-produced albums, and even as rising variety idols. But all those acclaim, once they let go of the reins, will float away from their grip if they don’t push harder. That’s why they’ve never had a proper vacation, it’s because of what the company wants. But mainly because of what they want as an entire group. 

From waking up in hospital, to being invaded of privacy by sasaengs, and to finally leaving the hospital, Jun had one thing in mind: recover. And now his doctor, out of all people, is telling him to slow down. 

”Jun? Jun?” His head whips to his left to find out his manager is calling him. 

”Oh, I’m sorry, hyung. What is it?” 

”I was asking if you wanted to stop by somewhere. You mentioned you wanted to buy something for the members this morning?” 

”That’s right, how could I forget! Thanks hyung, please stop just the next block after this. It’s the coffee shop Myungho was checking out last night.” He smiles at his manager warmly, trying to forget the thoughts spinning inside his head. 

In the coffee shop, Jun buys cheesecakes and two boxes of macaron and tarts, and a smaller box containing the same pastries. With the desserts in one hand and two cups of steaming hot coffee in another, Jun quickly gets inside the car. 

”Why…is…it so cold! Br! Outside,” Jun grumbles below his breath. “Here, hyung. A coffee for you and some macarons and tarts.” 

”Wah! Thank you, Junnie! As always,” the manager winks at him. 

Jun giggles, feeling the warmth of the car washing down the harsh cool air from outside. “Am I your favorite member now?” 

”Shh, Seungkwan might not like that,” manager hyung replies with a laugh, sipping the steaming cup of coffee before pulling out of the coffee shop’s parking lot. 

They eventually reach home and Jun rushes inside the apartment while waving a quick and shivering goodbye to his manager. He reaches home, excited to give Hao the blueberry cheesecake from the coffee shop he was eyeing on his phone last night. However, he only finds Hansol and Joshua sitting on the couch and watching an American TV show. 

Shua greets him first. “Oh, you’re here now?” He stands up and watches Jun take off his think coat and walk towards him with a large plastic bag in hand. “What’s this?” 

”Just from a coffee shop I passed by on my way home. God, it’s cold,” Jun quietly answers, still shivering. 

Hansol from the couch pulls the plastic bag from his hand but Shua pays no mind. “Thanks, hyung. How was your day?” 

The newcomer doesn’t answer immediately, looking at the stairs that leads to their rooms. Shua rolls his eyes. “The others are in their rooms and well…you know where Woozi is. How was your day, Hansol asked, Jun-ah.” 

Jun snaps his head to them animatedly, in a way that makes the two English-speaking boys think the person in front of them is a character from Cartoon Network. Jun does act like a cartoon character sometimes with his very specific personality traits and quirks. But the two don’t dwell on the humor much longer as they watch a shift happen in Jun’s normally shining eyes. 

They both watch him exhale, sitting on the carpet and taking out two slices of packed cheesecake from their boxes. He refuses to look at them, suddenly finding the cheesecakes incredibly interesting. “Well…um you know, just have to answer a bunch of questions. It’s not that bad or disturbing or anything, it’s just…something to ponder on.” 

Vernon attentively listens, taking the cheesecake Jun is handing to him with gentle but serious understanding. Shua decides he needs to speak first. “You can talk to us anything, you know that, don’t you, Jun-ah?” 

Jun cracks a smile, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “Or to Coups hyung, in case you want someone who understands. Just need to let it all out, you know?” Vernon says. 

”Yes, I know. Thanks, Hansol-ah. Shua hyung, I bought this for you, eat up. I’ll brings the other cakes to the other guys upstairs.” Jun rushes upstairs, leaving Hansol and Shua looking at each other with Friends on TV completely forgotten. Oh, Jun. Please be okay. 

Childishly, Jun tiptoes around and places each box of sliced cheesecake on the floor in front of each door. One by one, he knocks on Dino’s and Dokyeom’s door and doesn’t bother waiting for the doors to open for a surprise, heading inside Minghao’s room without a knock. He expects the younger to be lounging on the bed, but one peek at the flowing curtains he sees Minghao on the balcony. Hao looks overwhelmingly adorable sitting on the chair, engulfed in a thick, padded coat with a charcoal pencil and sketchpad in his hands. He would look adorable longer in his eyes, if only Jun didn’t quickly realize it’s damn cold outside. He’s getting carried away with drawing again. He rushes to the sliding door and with an extended arm, wordlessly pulls Hao from the chair and into his room. 

Hao accidently drops the charcoal pencil on the floor, surprise written all over his face. In any other instances, he would be annoyed for a maximum of five seconds (because he doesn’t get angry) but it is Jun standing in front of him who looks clearly and questioningly worried. 

”What are you doing outside? It’s freezing!” Jun complains, hands cupping Hao’s cold and pale cheeks. 

”I was just drawing… you’re home, ge,” Hao warily answers, weirded out by the elder’s actions. 

Jun’s hands travel down and takes off Hao’s coat. He pulls his unmade, think blanket on the bed and throws it over Hao’s shoulder. He looks more adorable, but Jun’s mind is set on the fact the boy’s artistic skills went as far as enduring the cold. “You were drawing when it’s negative one hundred outside?” 

”Ge, you do realize that’s impossible right?” 

”You do realize I just got home right, so I know for a fact the cold felt like negative one hundred. You were drawing, seriously? You’re gonna get sick at this rate,” Jun scolds with a growing pout. 

His arms travel down to Hao’s arms, rubbing them up and down to create warmth over the already warm blanket draped over him. He can’t help but smile. “I’m fine, gege.” 

”Oh yeah?” Jun drawls. “Let’s see if you’re fine in a few days, when all your Chinese herbal teabags can’t get rid of your flu because you had to draw outside the time Korea decided to be a natural freezer.” 

Hao pouts along with Jun. “Hey, my tea works well with flu. Dino even liked Jasmine tea because of me.” 

”Not a tea in this world can get rid of a flu or a cold if you decided to sit outside out into the cold. How long have you been there anyway?” 

Hao doubt Jun notices he’s been rubbing his arms for more than a minute now. But he has no plans on complaining or raising the fact. He smiles sheepishly. “I don’t know to be honest.” 

”Haohao!” Jun’s eyes comically widen, like that of an anime character who is taken aback. Hao’s heart doubles in size, but his gege doesn’t have to know that. “Y-You don’t know? Oh my god, are you crazy? And people say you’re the responsible one. Haohao!” 

Minghao can’t help but laugh at the second, unnecessary callout. “What? Ge, I’m fine. Maybe I wasn’t even outside for more than thirty minutes.” 

The elder scowls. “You shouldn’t even be out into the cold for more than ten minutes. Oh my god, sit down. Stay there, I’m getting you something warm to drink. Don’t move a muscle, I mean it.” 

He leaves abruptly like a man on a mission, leaving Hao smiling by himself. When they were younger during their trainee and early idol days, Jun developed the habit of calling him ‘Haohao’ until for some reason, the elder dropped it and more often called him by just ‘Hao’. Jun would only call him the childish nickname during the rarest of moments, like this for example, when he’s mad at him or stressed for something he did. And with Minghao being Minghao, he seldom does things that anger or stresses the others out. That’s Hoshi’s job, when he he spoils something or does something stupid on Weverse. It’s nice, Minghao won’t lie, to see Jun worried about him. 

He comes back with a steaming mug and a bottle of water with eyebrows furrowed in concentration and slight irritation that internally warms Minghao more. He doesn’t realize he is still smiling when Jun’s eyes flash in annoyance at him. “And you’re still smiling, huh? After spending so much time out when it’s freezing.” 

”Gege,” Minghao softly calls out, trying to appease his pissed older brother. “I probably just spent twenty minutes outside, just doodling things. It’s not like I’m invincible.” 

Jun’s eyes mysteriously narrow at him, handing the mug to him. Hao realizes it’s hot lemon water with two peppermint leaves and probably a drizzle of honey. Even when he’s pissed, there is no way Jun would not take care of him. Hao fails on dropping the smile on his face. He watches Jun pick up the sketchpad beside him, scanning his drawings. He makes a ‘tsk’ sound, glaring at Hao. 

”You were able to draw eight new drawings and it’s only 1 o’clock.” 

”Eight? How did you know those were new?” 

”Because the last drawing you made last night was this,” Jun says while showing a messy, unrefined drawing of two males watching TV, their slender but muscled backs and shoulders shown as the perspective of the drawing. It’s a picture of Dino’s and Jun’s backs last night, both of them watching a movie in Dino’s room beside each other on the floor while Minghao sits on the maknae’s bed, not watching the movie and just drawing what he found interesting. 

”Which means all the sketches after that were drawn today,” Jun continues as he turns the paper to what he says are the sketches made today. “You made eight drawings outside, even if it was freezing. And three of those drawings are portraits of the members. Their faces probably took at least thirty minutes each. How could you endure the weather, Haohao?” 

Minghao acknowledges the fact that Jun is growing more pissed off but he can’t help but acknowledge that Jun can be exceptionally smart at times. Even he didn’t know he made those drawings out into the cold. “Maybe I draw some this morning when I was having breakfast or something, ge.” 

Jun rolls his eyes. “Drink your tea, Haohao. And no, I left at 8 AM this morning and all of you guys were still asleep, well, I could hear Shua hyung’s TV when I left but he was probably still sleepy then. You stayed up until midnight watching some drama on your phone. Seriously, you’re gonna lie to me?” 

Hao shakes his head. “I’m not lying to you! I honestly didn’t notice the time. Don’t be mad, okay? I’m already drinking the tea you made, see? And I’m already so warm I’ll probably sweat later on. Quit pouting, ge.” He smiles and watches Jun wordlessly scoff, handing a medium-sized box to him. 

Jun leaves the room with a glare that Hao cannot pinpoint if it’s done jokingly or seriously. He doesn’t think too much of him leaving since he’s going to be asking him tonight about how his session went. He proceeds on opening the box and looks at it in astonishment, realizing it’s the cheesecake from the newly opened coffee shop he showed to Jun on his phone last night when Jun and Dino finished their first movie of the evening. 

He takes a picture of the cheesecake and sends it to Jun, with a message: 

_Thanks, ge. I really wanted to try this._

Minghao doesn’t like desserts very much, since he isn’t much of a sugary person. But a cheesecake is a dessert he cannot pass on. With a smile on his face and butterflies rising to life in his stomach, he starts eating the blueberry cheesecake while waiting for the reply. His smile erupts into a giggle in anticipation when he sees Jun reading the message. He waits, waits, and waits, thinking the elder is typing a reply when a solid five minute passes and his message is left seen but not replied to. 

His eyes glare at the screen. “Is he really mad?” Hao asks himself. Well, any member would get mad when they see him out in the freezing open, completing eight sketches. Jun was overreacting, Hao knows that much. Those portraits of the members weren’t done seriously though, he was only drawing their faces for the fun of it. It doesn’t mean it’s good to endure the cold, though. Hao bites his lower lip. Maybe if he wasn’t so worried about Jun’s session, he wouldn’t find something as distraction. 

No one can blame Minghao, really. Coups hyung stopped by their dorm coming from the company. He talked to him, Shua, Dokyeom, and Dino on the dinner table, all of them tending to lunch bought by the leader. Seungcheol explained to them that although Jun told them it’s going great with his therapy so far, it might change later on. It doesn’t mean that Jun is lying to them about his therapy going well, the eldest is simply raising the truth that Jun could downsize his suffering later on. Seungcheol told them that Jun’s situation is different from his, which is why it’s important for them to not overwhelm him but at the same time be attentive. Therapy sessions may be easy and then difficult the next session, which worries the eldest. 

So far the last time felt scared by riding a car was the day he surprised them home. But Seungcheol actually talked to Jun’s doctor and learned that at the most random times, Jun might feel scared or hesitant on riding a car. As therapy progresses, Jun would be asked questions that will affect his mood and his emotions. Everyone knows that every social networking app on Jun’s phone has been deleted by him, which means the boy is literally in the dark. But seeing the posts on Weverse, Twitter, and Instagram, everyone knows the fans haven’t been exhausted on showing their support, something they are all thankful for. No one has mentioned anything about Jun with the company’s article and announcement regarding the sasaeng incident being the last statement released by the company. Not a single member mentioned anything after that, even Seungcheol who is a firm advocate for not keeping secrets regarding their health from the fans. 

But Jun’s situation is different. Their leader’s protective instincts have tripled and there is nothing on Earth Seungcheol would not do to shield Jun away from any harm. Jun’s battle can only be won by him and him only. As his members and friends, they can only make sure Jun has enough strength and defense to win the battle. They can’t win the battle for him. Not even Minghao can do that, no matter how he wishes he can take at least half of Jun’s pain. 

When the leader left their dorm, Minghao’s mind started racing with worry and overthinking. Dokyeom noticed and told him that maybe drawing can do a little bit of comfort. He first started drawing on his bed, then on his desk, but his mind was still clouded by worry. And so when he finds the day to be beautifully cold, he sits down on his lounge chair and lets his hand and mind do the work. 

Minghao sighs, still not receiving a reply. _Fuck it_ , he thinks to himself. He leaves his room, a box of blueberry cheesecake half-eaten in his hand and knocks on Jun’s door. When he hears Jun’s voice that he can come in, he enters cautiously, knowing that Jun might actually be mad at him. 

”Hey, are you really mad?” he asks softly, feeling weirdly small as he feels a rare moment that he _is_ younger than Jun. 

”Ge,” Hao tries once again, Jun’s back facing to him as the elder lays on his side on the bed. “Hyung.” He hears no answer, silence filling the room that is nowhere near comforting. He looks a Jun’s back, firm and not as muscled and broad as Mingyu’s, but the most comforting back he has known since he was a trainee. He’s held that back a countless times, whether they were stressed and exhausted from training or when they stood as successful idols on music showcases or on concert stages.

 _Fuck it,_ Hao thinks once again. Without a second thought, he heads to the bed and lays beside Jun and wraps his arm around Jun’s waist. He buries his face in Jun’s back, inhaling a hint of lavender fabric softener and the smell of his musky but gentle cologne. Hao has always loved catching a smell of Jun’s cologne. He inhales once again, arm tightening around Jun’s waist he doesn’t feel any move of resistance from the elder. 

The cologne silences a little bit of his worries, filling his senses and calming him down. There is that feeling of warmth once again, not the kind of heat you receive from a thick padded coat or a blanket draped over your body. It’s the heat that permits from a cackling fire, the flames gracefully dancing and spreading warmth around its surroundings. Jun’s scent washes over him like heat from a campfire embracing him after travelling at night during the cold. 

”You’re not actually mad, are you?” Minghao asks, voice muffled a tad bit by Jun’s white polo shirt. 

”Ge, talk to me,” he tries once again. “You can’t give me cheesecake and then not talk to me, that’s not fair and it’s confusing. Come on, look at me.” 

Propped on his elbow, he pushes himself up and urges Jun to turn around and face him by patting his shoulder and gently tugging it. After a few seconds, Jun slowly turns around and settles to face him but not looking into his eyes. 

”Gege,” Hao says. “I’m sorry. I honestly didn’t notice the time. You know how I get when I draw…sometimes, it’s really hard for me to pull away from my thoughts. I mean, it’s not an acceptable excuse, but I promise I wouldn’t do stay there for a long time intentionally.” 

A few seconds of silence lays between them before Jun speaks, still not looking at him. “I prefer if you hadn’t gone out at all, but it’s not like you can help it. No can really tell you what to do when you’re in one of your moods.” He finally looks at him and Hao feels his constricting heart relax, pumping calmly like it’s supposed to. “You need to take care of yourself. I know you say that more than I do, because you’re such a health nut. But… who’s going to take care of me if you’re not going to do the job?” 

Hao cracks a smile when he sees Jun lips curl a little bit. “Hasn’t Jeonghan hyung been fussing over you?” 

Jun’s eyebrows knit together. “Yeah, I don’t know how he does that when he’s doesn’t live here but I realized he made Shua hyung his acting person. Shua isn’t really a mother hen, is he? But then all of a sudden, he keeps track of my medicines and vitamins almost as Seungkwan does. It’s weird as much it’s comforting, to be honest.” 

Hao laughs. “Don’t mind him. This is why you need to get better fast if you don’t want more members turning into a mother hen, hm?” 

Jun’s face turns uncharacteristically sad, looking away from him. Minghao doesn’t like the sight. His hand finds Jun’s cheek. “Did I say something wrong, gege?” 

”No… you didn’t,” Jun manages a response. He forces himself to look back into Minghao’s eyes. “No, you didn’t. It’s just…something I remembered. I’m sleepy…can you sleep beside me?” 

”Of course,” Minghao replies. “We can talk about it later…or next time. Let’s take a nap first.” 

They both spoon each other, Jun’s face buried in Minghao’s chest, each other’s arm wrapping each other’s waist. “Don’t make worry me like that again,” he says all of a sudden. 

Minghao pulls him impossibly closer to his chest. “Serves you right for worrying me so much.” 

Jun forces himself to sleep, his mind straying away from the truth he refuses to accept. The day feels a whole lot like night for him, but it doesn’t meant the skies are covering him with total darkness. His moon is here, embracing him more than what darkness can do. He can hold onto his moon. He will never leave him. Not even if the stars stand as the truths he is afraid to hold. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, another update for you guys! I hope you all enjoyed this. I've been on a romantic mood lately, thanks to all the fanfictions I've been reading and the K-drama I recently watched. Hope you are all safe and happy during the holiday season. The world has been messy for the entire year for all of us, let us hope the hope of the holiday season is manifested in the next year. I love you all. Please wait for the next update. It's not over yet for Jun.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jun finally faces the music.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year, loves! 2020 was a mess and we're all glad it ended, but I just want to remind everyone that it still important for us to remember everything that happened - the opportunities we lost, the chances we may or may not have taken, the people who passed away, the people who suffered, and the people we lost and, the people we love. It's been a tough year, and 2021 better be good because we don't expect much. Just for everything to be better. 
> 
> Trigger warning // panic attacks will be shown in this chapter, at least what happens when a panic attack starts or progresses. Viewer discretion is advised.

Jun sluggishly enters his room and closes the door as tiringly. He sits on his bed, staring at the floor with this mind full but empty at the same time. It’s been a few weeks since his formal therapy sessions started. Twice a week he visits Dr. Caville and the rest consists of vocal practices, a few check-ups for his healing concussion, and frequent clean-ups in his dorm. He also asked for access in the other dorm without the knowledge of the members who lived there through their manager who has access to both dorms. He would do his best cleaning up the living and dining areas of both dorms, which makes him receive countless kisses and hugs from the members every time they get a chance. 

The elders have been less of mother hens lately and Jun speculates it’s because they have observed Minghao is being a mother hen enough to him. Minghao would be texting him frequently when they are away, would ask him if he got home from a check-up or a therapy session. Sometimes, he would become too attentive and interested about how his day went that Jun’s heart would double in size, making him stupidly smile at the boy. Seungkwan would remind him of his vitamins thrice as he reminds the other members, and his Coups hyung would be more attentive than he has ever been when they were younger when Jun had so many worries as a trainee. 

Jun has just arrived home from a trip to Dr. Caville, where once again, the words of the doctor caused Jun’s mind to spin. Bit by bit, in every schedule therapy, Jun feels like coming home with shreds of his idol mask torn away from his face. Little by little, Jun goes home feeling smaller than how he felt the last session. Session after session, Jun finds himself coming home to a frequent empty dorm, feeling bare and cold. He said this earlier to the doctor, to which the man smiled at him in sadness. 

_”You might feel as if you’re coming home weaker and more vulnerable because we keep taking things out of that boxed burden of yours, but I feel for you differently. In my eyes, you are not coming home more and more as a defenseless soldier; rather you are coming home more and more as a human. And quite frankly, Jun, I don’t see what’s wrong with that, the rules of your idol world be damned.”_

Jun is 100% certain a doctor is not supposed to say the last words Dr. Caville uttered, but he has gathered early on that Dr. Caville is not your conventional by-the-book doctor. As much as Jun hates it when he throws words at him that feel like arrows piercing his body, he knows those arrows are truths he desperately buried. This doesn’t mean it hurts any less. Today’s session is harder than the rest and as much as he wants to sleep it off, his mind doesn’t want to allow him.

To be human, how do you exactly do that? How does he become a human? Isn’t he human enough, considering the tears he has shed, the pain he has received, and the problems he has gained at this time of his life? Of course, there conversation had to go like this: 

_”You now understand that to be human includes feeling pain, but you still do not like the fact you are hurting. Of course, no one likes to feel pain. But the pain is more painful for you because something is holding you back. What do you think is holding you back?”_

_Jun’s mind buffers for a few seconds, finding the question mysterious and quite frankly, hurtful. As an idol, countless things are holding them back. Jun looks around the room, thinking and thinking with his hands fidgeting. Dr. Caville’s eyes on him intensify that he can’t help but meet them. Suddenly, Jun realizes he has known the answer all along._

_He clears his throat. “Y-You told me in our last meetings that the first thing to do is acceptance and acknowledgement. I-I needed to accept what happened to me and I needed to acknowledge how much it…hurt. But because I was so used to living such a fast-paced life where I couldn’t afford to get sick for a long time, I was rushing my recovery but I didn’t realize was that it didn’t mean I was healing. I am now learning that I need to be human, in every sense of the word, in order to heal. But I can’t help but… but be stopped, I guess, from how I lived.” He pauses, suddenly aware of how much he has said. But one look from the person in front of him tells him the doctor wants to hear more. And Jun, he wants to tell more._

_He takes a deep breath and lets it all out slowly from his chest. “I hated it during our past few meetings when you told me things that sounded ridiculous but totally true. I hated it when you said things about me that made me feel you were attacking me when really, I felt hurt because they were true. I feel…naked, to be honest. I-I’m not supposed to be easy to read. I should be good at delivering emotions because that’s how a songs become good, you know? When you can make the people feel things when I sing or dance. But no one is supposed to see through me. And yet, that’s all we’ve been doing. Just pulling things out of what you call my boxed burden and I feel…no, I know that you’re starting to see through me now. And it…well, it sucks for the lack of better word.”_

_Dr. Caville nods with a genuine apologetic look on his face. “I apologize, Jun. I understand my words can be too honest that it’s too much to take in. I guess it’s because I know and I feel that you needed those words and that you have the will to be courageous enough and listen to them.”_

_It is Jun’s turn to smile. “I know, doctor. It sucks but I know I need it. Well, I need to embrace being human so I need to just give up the façade. I thought acknowledging pain and patiently healing is all that is there to is to give up that façade, but I’m starting to realize it is also about just trying to give up the harmful things I learned from my career.”_

_”I’m proud of you, Jun.” Dr. Caville smiles at him so brightly, lines start to appear by his eyes. “You’ve been really doing well. I’m so happy for you and I am so pleased with your progress, that I have a…well, an assignment for you.”_

_”What is it?”_

_The smile on the older man’s face disappears but the gentleness on his face remains. “I want you to check one social media app for fifteen minutes, any application of your choice, but just surf on it or…whatever it is you children call it.”_

_”You mean…you mean you want me to face the music?”_

_Dr. Caville grins. “Exactly, son. Will you do it?”_

And so Jun pulls out his phone, cursing at the old man’s unconventional therapy ways. An assignment, seriously? But of course, Jun answered yes to the doctor. As much as he can refuse the assignment, both of them know Jun wants to face the music as much as he needs it. The dorm is empty once again as the boys have been growing busy with creating the early versions of the album and several choreographies that are still at their developing stage. He is half-thankful and half-bitter he is all alone as he can take as much time as he can foolishly looking at the black screen of his phone but still feel lonely doing it all alone. His hand itches, wishing Minghao is here to hold it. 

He hasn’t checked any of his social media applications, whether it be Weverse, Weibo, or Twitter. Last article and announcement he read was the one released by Pledis, regarding the sasaeng incident. Aside from that, he has not read a single news article nor a single post or tweet. He doesn’t even know at least one hashtag his fans surely came up with during the back-to-back tragedies of his life. He scoffs. _Damn, am I in a movie or what,_ he asks himself internally. 

When he realizes he has been foolishly staring at his switched off phone enough, he chooses to pick Twitter as the app to use. Jun feels nervous but at the same time excited. He then realizes he has been deeply caught up with his worries he has forgotten about how lovely it feels to read support and love coming from the fans. 

Jun contemplates for a few second, biting his lip on where to start. He proceeds to the search bar and types a hashtag and then his name: #Jun. Not even second passes and two hashtags appear below the search bar: #JunWeLoveYou and #JunStayStrong. A laugh emits from his chest, followed by giggles that lasts for a few minutes. His back lands on the bed, phone raised in the air as he taps the first hashtag. 

The tweets come in and he surfs for he doesn’t know how long, a grin plastered on his face. Of course, Carats range from having a dry humor to being overly dramatic which is why every tweet, although containing the same sentiment and hashtag, contained different characteristic and showed different mood. One tweet catches his eye and sends him into laughter. 

_@JunMyLove: So im back from crying for five hours and for carats out there who are weak af still crying I want you all to suck it up BECAUSE WE NEED TO BE STRONG FOR JUNNIE. Don’t be pussies yall! #JunWeLoveYou_

Another tweet sends brings him to giggles. _@BowDownBxtches: #JunWeLoveYou I SWEAR JUN DOES NOT FUCKING DESERVE THIS, it hurts and I thought I was gonna die a while ago when I read the announcement of Pledis. But shit we all know Jun is gonna come back stronger than ever and he’s gonna wreck us like he always do so we will wait for you, Moon Junhui!_

His giggles die down, his heart warming by the belief of a fan that he will be coming back stronger than ever. He doesn’t think he is strong as much as he wants to be at the moment, but he knows he will be in time. Just not today. But in time. Scrolling down further, a few tweets cause his smile to disappear completely. His warming heart constricts, grip on the phone tightening for him to get a hold of himself. 

_@CaratQueen: I don’t care who you are, nobody has the right to invade nor disregard anybody’s privacy, especially an idol. They give more than they should and dedicate so much of their life that they shouldn’t even be worrying about their personal boundary when they are at their lowest of lows. SHAME ON THOSE GIRLS._

_@WonuLuv: I’ve been crying for the past three hours but now all I can feel is anger. How far are those people up their asses that they literally thought they have a right to just barge in Jun’s hospital room like that IN HIS STATE?!_

_@AnnaB: I’m not a carat but shit I cried for Jun. No one deserves that. I would never even wish that for the person I hate the most. Those girls deserve to be in jail. Those are not fans they do not deserve that title._

He continues reading more tweets, finger consistently scrolling down his phone as he finds tweets ranging from comical to serious. But he can’t find himself to laugh, not when he reads more tweets about the sasaeng incident. Many said those girls deserve to go to jail, others said they deserve to go to hell. Others said they will do everything in their power to track those girls down if they ever do something funny again. Everything seems hard to take in all of a sudden.

His phone drops on his chest, his eyes staring at the white ceiling. Jun did not consider the idea of putting those girls to jail since they were easily tracked down by the hospital and the company was able to issue and send a legal warning to them. He knows the papers sent to them meant serious business and so while Jun wallowed in fear and anxiety, imprisonment was out of the options. Besides, they weren’t able to do anything bad to him that required legal punishment. Bile forms in his throat. Jun knows, deep inside his heart, they didn’t do anything bad to them because Jun woke up before they had the chance. Beads of sweat start to form on his forehead as his breathing shortens. He automatically closes his eyes, willing himself to calm down. 

Several scenarios form in his head, the possibilities of what those ladies could do to him had he not woken up from his sleep. He caught them taking pictures, but what if they did something before his mind woke up and his eyes opened that moment? Seungcheol had already assured him those pictures were deleted from their phones and they were spoken to personally by the company. He even checked the phones of the sasaengs himself just so he could be sure as a leader. That doesn’t mean Jun’s active mind stopped considering ‘what ifs’ all together. 

Suddenly, his senses seem to go haywire and he becomes all too aware that he is alone. The silence in the dorm stops to be comforting and the lack of sounds become resounding in his head. His eyes snap open and land on his closed door, the doorknob the focus of his eyesight. _Oh, no,_ Jun groans silently. 

He’s starting again. “Fuck,” Jun painfully curses, heart constricting as if a ghost’s foot is stepping on his chest, just wanting him to die and be a ghost himself. He wills himself to calm down, understanding and knowing there is no use on fighting against the anxiety or just panicking eternally. He’s not at the worst part yet, he knows. Jun knows it’s only brewing, his anxiety and panic simmering from the heat of his negative thoughts. If he successfully calms himself down, it won’t turn into a full-blown panic attack. 

He pushes away the disappointment; the fact that he has been doing so well. Healing is not a straight path, it does well for Jun to remember that. He closes his eyes as he takes in a deep breath, his back arching in panic on the bed. _1…2…3…4…5._ He exhales, and counts again. _1…2…3…4…5._ The breathing pattern repeats three times and Jun starts to feel growing weight lifted off his chest slowly.

Suddenly, he hears footsteps from outside and he swears he feels an invisible hand grasped tightly around his neck. It’s the panic quickly making a comeback, choking him out of breath and just wanting him to _die_. Breathing pattern thrown out window, Jun sits up abruptly like a cartooned mummy awoken from deep slumber. Two knocks come from outside with a soft, “Jun hyung, are you there?” 

His heart stutters, mind utterly confused and ablaze. The door in front of him gently opens, a foot sliding in first before Minghao’s face and hand slip in for a peek. Both of their eyes meet, one pair hazy and one happy. The latter pair of eyes change with suspicion and then to worry, becoming glassy with his eyebrows slightly knitting together as he realizes the scene before him. “Gege…”

Minghao swallows down the fear, the gentleness of his face masking the concern. The last thing he wants to do is to contribute more panic into Jun’s state. He decides to let himself in but stops by the door, knowing space is important for times like this. He studies Jun’s form, pale and sweaty. His hands are fidgeting but only the kind when Jun grows nervous in public. His eyes seem clouded, still looking straight into Jun’s eyes. “Can I hold your hands?” 

He doesn’t receive an uttered reply but receives a single nod. Minghao kneels on the floor, looking up at Jun’s empty eyes and taking his hands gentle in his. Cold sweat covers his palms and he pays no mind, proceeding to hold it gently with both of their hands on Jun’s knees. He notices he does not have erratic breathing, which Minghao knows is a good sign. But it doesn’t mean Jun is entirely okay. He isn’t breathing properly, chest heaving ever so slightly with his fingers fidgeting in his hands. Minghao tightens his hold around Jun’s hands, kneeling closer to him with his back straight to have a closer look at Jun’s face. “Ge, you’re safe here. We just got home and Dokyeom-ah wants to cook for dinner. No one is out to get you, the door was safely locked when we got here and we got home safely.” 

”Really?” Jun asks in such a small voice, Minghao’s heart tighten in heartache. 

”Yes, ge,” Minghao replies. “There was no traffic and we were driving safely from the supermarket.” 

”What did you guys do…at the…at the supermarket?” Jun asks for a few seconds, still not being able to answer immediately from his breathing. 

”We had to go all of a sudden because Dokyeom realized he wanted to cook last minute and we didn’t have all the ingredients at home. It was just a quick trip to the store,” Minghao replies as gentle as always. He studies the elder’s face, finally calming down and his fidgeting fingers stopping. His right hand finds Jun’s hair, combing it with his fingers and pushing a small section of his hair that is messily laying on his forehead. “Are you okay now, my gege?”

Jun nods a few times. “Y-Yes, I am.” Minghao smiles a little bit, standing back up when Jun’s hands reach out for him to sit back down again. 

”What time is it?” Jun quietly asks, hand in Minghao’s the way a chid’s hand would be in an adult’s. 

”It’s only 5:30, ge,” Minghao answers. 

He stares at Jun, eyes finally coming back to the present as he looks directly into Minghao’s eyes. His eyes shift on the bed and then back to Minghao. “Can we take a nap? You could use it too.” 

Minghao’s smile widens. “Okay. That sounds like a great idea. Drink water first and then we can take a nap. Dokyeom-ah will wake us up when it’s time for dinner.” He stands up and heads to Jun’s desk where a pitcher stands with one empty glass beside it. He pours water into the glass and hands it to Jun who slowly drink the entire glass. “Someone was thirsty,” he teases. 

Jun pouts. “I almost had a panic attack, give me a break.” 

”Do you want to talk about?” Minghao asks, placing the glass back on the desk and coming back to the bed where a baby boy is waiting for him to tuck him into bed. 

”I’ll tell you tonight,” Jun answers quietly, clearly not wanting to talk about it. His eyes grow droopy, letting Minghao push back gently back on the bed. The younger follows on his side, his arm automatically pulling Jun in his arms and against his chest. Jun’s arm find Minghao’s slim waist, pulling him tighter as if there was still distance left to begin with. 

”I’m glad your home, Haohao,” Jun whispers out of the blue, not even looking at him but rubbing his nose against Hao’s clothed chest. His nose rubs where his heart is, warmth spreading to Hao’s chest and to the rest of his extremities. His fingers comb through the back of Jun’s hair and then to his back, rubbing it up and down. He rocks Jun back and forth for a few seconds, not bothering to answer. 

Jun doesn’t need a response, anyway. His presence, almost entirely covering Jun’s frame is enough. “Thank you for being safe,” he says. He is uncertain himself on who is he thanking, is it Hao or the skies above? But he does not think much into it, having the arrival of his anchor finally saving him back to the shore. 

Minghao pushes his worry to the back of his mind, knowing Jun can tell if he is thinking or worried about something. He proceeds to rub his hand up and down Jun’s back to calm him down and send him to sleep. They’ve been having naps and sleeping beside each other more often than they’ve had when they were younger. Their cuddles feel warmer, touches more electrifying, and stares more intensified. However, he knows deep down now is not the time to dwell on these things. Jun’s health will always be at the forefront of Minghao’s priorities. Whatever he is feeling, he chooses to push away as this can only hinder Jun’s recovery or push him away from him. His rubbing hand stops, the thought of Jun pushing him away leaving a bitter taste to his mouth. 

His eyes close, trying to sleep while completely ignoring the fact that he promised Dokyeom he will be helping him cook dinner. He pulls Jun closer, knowing nothing is more important than having the elder in his arms. 

  
  


Dinner goes well with Dokyeom’s recipes, everybody in the dorm pleased with the food and the chef obnoxiously proud of himself. Minghao volunteers for the dishwashing duty, having received playful stares and pouts from Dokyeom the entire dinner. He doesn’t ask why Minghao wasn’t able to help, which tells him that the vocalist already knows what he has been up to, not that he did anything while Dokyeom was cooking. 

The clock strikes 9 when Jun decides for the both of them two enjoy two cans of beer for each of them both. Minghao does not complain, more than happy to have beer and guessing the elder wants to talk about what happened earlier. He watches in contentment Jun take out thick blankets and form a pile out of them on his now messy bed. Jun sits cross-legged on the bed, looking at Minghao in expectation. With a sigh, he joins the elder and takes the offered can of beer. 

”Can you tell me what happened earlier?” Minghao inquires after a few minutes of silence, watching the boy look at the can he is holding interestingly to avoid his stare. 

”I had an assignment,” Jun responds. 

”An assignment?” he repeats. “From your therapist?” Minghao has been told that this Dr. Caville isn’t the average therapist one would have but Seungcheol never told them about possible assignments he will be giving Jun. Saying it in his mind already sounds outrageous. 

”Yeah. I needed to face the music,” Jun tells him. “I had to choose on application to use and read what the Carats have told about me after everything that happened.” 

Minghao’s eyes widen. “I’m sorry, did you just say he made you choose a social media app so you can read the things the Carats have said about you? Isn’t like…is that even allowed? That’s ridiculous, he was basically forcing you to do something you didn’t want to do, Jun ge!” 

”No, no,” Jun rushes out. “No, it’s not like that. We’ve been dancing around it for so long, he told me to face the music on my first formal therapy session with him, hyung. It’s been weeks and while it’s been going slow, I made so much progress which is why he asked me if I could do it. Haohao…I’ve been avoiding these stupid applications because of my stupid fear and it’s keeping me from knowing how our fans feel about my accident and you know, that incident.” 

”It’s not a stupid fear,” Minghao scolds him. He finds himself cupping Jun’s small face just so the boy can look straight in his eyes and feel his honesty. In Jun’s unspoken opinion, their faces are too close with each other to be deemed acceptable. “Your worries and fears are valid, you know that, we’ve told you that. Is that why you were on a verge of a panic attack earlier, because you checked what our fans had to say? Did you…did you find something that didn’t come from a fan? Was it those kind of really bad things that other people said?” 

Weirdly and concerning enough, Jun smiles at him while shaking his head. “Ugh, not even close. I was doing so well, I was even laughing at some of the tweets because others were really overacting! But then, I saw some tweets about the sasaengs. You know, that they deserved to be jailed. Or to hell. It’s funny because I saw tweets about how the driver of the car that bumped into us, but I barely even remember that driver. He’s in jail now, I guess that’s why I don’t really worry about it anymore, or why it barely comes up in my head.” A pause and a deep breath.

He continues, “I feel guilty, that I wasn’t the only one injured because of the car accident but I don’t really think much about it. I’ve been so focused on the sasaengs because…because they’re out there, you know? What they did was not exactly punishable by law, and so not a day goes by that they don’t cross my mind. So many tweets showed they were angry at the drunk driver and at those girls but I barely felt anything about the drunk driver. Reading those words about those girls…they were heavier to me. They were harder to take it, but they hurt more than they should.” 

Minghao internally curses at the doctor, anger brewing inside of him for the doctor who gave such a harmful assignment. _What the fuck._

Jun studies his face for a moment before he decides to fill in the silence between them once again. “Hao, I can almost hear you casting a curse on Dr. Caville. Please don’t get mad at him. What he asked me to do was…necessary. I told him before that music was one of my strengths and he answered to me that I needed to face the music. The music I faced, heard, they weren’t the most comforting but they were the most honest. Our fans are so passionate about us the same way we are for them and I didn’t feel the best reading those tweets but I felt their love. Along with the panic and the fear, I felt their love. It was hard to feel their love with all the negative emotions I was feeling but I was able to control those negative thoughts somehow. And then…”

Jun pauses, exhaling and looking at him with such tender expression, it causes Minghao’s heart to beat faster. “And then what?” 

”And then you came and I was able to fight back completely. I was in the middle of calming down when I heard your footsteps and knocks but it wasn’t your fault! You were very gentle with knocking, Hao, I was just in an unfortunate situation which was why I reacted that way. But you calmed down, like you always do, so I’m thankful, Haohao.” 

Jun wears a look on his face undecipherable for Minghao who is left not knowing what to say. Of course, the words in his head completely become a jumbled mess when Jun, wearing a childish smile and swoops in close to his face. He stops just when their noses brush against each other, the elder’s smile growing into a grin. Suddenly, he feels a kiss on his forehead. He waits for the elder to pull away after a second passes, but Jun decides to retain the position. With his lips against his forehead, Jun’s arms encloses around Minghao in a hug. Wordlessly, he hugs back with his arms tight around the elder’s waist. He snuggles his face against Jun’s chest, breathing in the cologne he’s been breathing in frequently these past few weeks. 

”Thank you, Minghao,” Jun says once again. 

”Haohao.” 

”What?” 

”Call me Haohao,” Minghao instructs firmly. 

A loud laugh escapes from Jun, finding the sight funny but heartwarming at the same time. His heart races from the instruction, not knowing Minghao’s heart is doing the same because of his laughter. “Okay, okay. I’m sorry. Thank you, Haohao. Thank you for calming me down and keeping me from having a panic attack and just being there for me. There, happy?” 

Minghao nods, returning to the chest he buried his face in earlier. They return to their earlier position, just hugging each other on the bed in a sitting position with Jun’s soft lips touching his forehead. 

Jun’s lips pull away and Minghao feels his chin sitting on his head. “I was supposed to look at Twitter for 15 minutes. I wasn’t able to. Can you be with me later when I do it again?” 

He pulls away to look into Jun’s eyes. “You don’t have to ask, gege. I will always be with you anyway, asking me is a little unnecessary.” He watches Jun’s face break out into a grateful smile and his heartbeat speeds up for the nth time today. It has been happening to him more frequently lately, the tiniest actions done by Jun sending his heart into frenzy and simply giving him energy. 

They lean back against the headboard of the bed, comfortably surrounded and covered by the pile of blankets around them. Minghao feels himself sweating a little bit and so he pushes away the blankets covering his body. Jun does the opposite and takes the blanket all to himself, snuggling one against his face for a few seconds before pulling out his phone from somewhere. Minghao watches him cautiously, prepared to be of help if the worst thing happens. Silently, he just sits there beside him, concerned that the boy is reading the tweets with such an emotionless look on his face.” 

”You have no idea how supportive they have been, ge,” Minghao starts. “It’s crazy. We expected it, you know. But you have no idea how long you were talked about. So many people were worried, not just our fans. As much as there are people who will always be hating on you, their words don’t matter as much as the words coming from Carats.” 

”Yeah.” Jun smiles at him. “Doing it now, I feel a little silly that I’ve been so scared to check out what they had to say. But at the same time, I’m glad I also took my time. My mind has been a jumbled mess and it’s only now that I can truly say I can handle things.” 

”We are so proud of you, ge.” 

”Thanks. I’m also thinking of…I’m also thinking of doing a V Live.” 

Minghao can only blink. “You’re gonna talk to our fans?” 

”Not just that, I want to officially be back. I want to announce it. Right here and right now.” 

”Right now?” Minghao slowly asks. “Wait, as in, right now at this hour? It’s so sudden, we still need to discuss this with the company. You know how-“

Jun rolls his eyes. “Oh, come on. We just have to tell Coups hyung and the company wouldn’t even say anything.” 

Minghao looks at him like he’s crazy. “Ge, when we normally announce things like this in a live, we’re supposed to do it a company. You know, when a staff is watching?” 

”It’s not like I’ll say things I’m not supposed to. There are things I don’t want to share because they’re too personal and they’re gonna create more harm. I just want to tell them I’ve been recovering well and ask how they have been. Hao, it’s been what, almost 3 months since everything happened? I’m gonna have to start somewhere if I actually want to come back.” 

”But this is so sudden, ge. You haven’t even informed the company yet, we’re supposed to inform them of these things!” 

”Oh right,” Jun chirps. “Wait a minute…hm, this sounds good enough…there! Message sent!” 

Horrified, Minghao reads the message sent to one of the company’s staff that says he is thinking of doing a V Live. Suddenly, the boy in front of him emits a cute “oh!” 

”I forgot to greet noona!” Jun giggles. “I was so excited I forgot to say hi!” Minghao watches him type once again, still horrified but also confused. Jun is almost never _this_ impulsive. Those who do things that make the staff’s head ache are Hoshi, Jeonghan, and sometimes Seungkwan. Not Jun. Almost never Moon Junhui, and yet here he is, grinning at his phone waiting for a reply. 

”Look at noona, she’s so surprised! I think she’s in shock!” 

”I’m also in shock,” Minghao adds with dryness. “Tell Coups hyung too,” he says in Korean this time and then of course he instinctively says it again in Chinese – not because he wants to, but just because he can’t help it. “You should tell Leader ge too, just so you know, he doesn’t have a heart attack.” 

He studies Jun warily, now completely aware of Jun’s adorable childishness. He types once again on his phone, grin reaching his ears. “There, noona already said fine! And Coups ge replied too. Let’s go on a V Live! Can you still stay, even if you’re not on camera?” 

The part of Minghao that tells him this is all too sudden, too unplanned, and too reckless is going weak against Jun’s bright smile, eyes twinkling and brighter than the stars outside. He nods with a sigh. 

Jun shrieks, throwing his hands in the air and suddenly around Minghao’s shoulders. In unexpectedness, Minghao wraps his arms around Jun’s waist to keep them both steady on the bed. Jun’s arms find his neck and pulls him closer, causing their chests to touch. He raises his head, just smiling and letting Jun giggle in happiness all the while looking at his face slightly above him. 

”Thank you, Minghao.” 

Minghao shakes his head, arms tightening around the boy’s waist. He also doesn’t miss the way Jun pulls him closer by the neck as the elder looks at him from above. If Jun lowers his head a little bit, their lips would touch, but Minghao pushes that thought aside immediately. “Don’t call me that.” 

Jun giggles, slightly bouncing on his knees. He feels slightly compelled to lean in and lower his head, just to look closer at Minghao and well, only that, _duh_ but he resists, his fingers intertwined by the nape of Minghao’s neck. He also can’t help but notice how naturally pink his lips are. But damn, that’s not what matters is it? Is it? “Right. Thank you, Haohao.” 

  
  


In another dorm, only a few block away from Jun’s, Mingyu drags himself to his room after finishing a meal of chicken. With a can of coke in his hand, he enters the room while looking at his phone. He lays down on the bed, feeling contented and tired from eating. His face will be swollen tomorrow but he doesn’t care one bit, not when every bite brought him to heaven and back. 

He suddenly decides to continue the editing he has put off a few days ago. He sits on his desk chair, starting the laptop and clicking the editing software. His phone makes a notification sound but he ignores it, occupied with checking the flow of the scenes. His eyes shift a millisecond to the screen, catching the V Live title on the lock screen. He pays no mind to it, guessing the other members are as bored as him which is why they decided to just go on a live. 

And then he realizes what he just read. And then it dawns on him. 

Nearly spitting the coke out, he fumbles with the phone and looks at the screen so closely he got cross-eyed. He blinks a few times, not believing what he is reading. Below the title bar of the notification alert is the cheerful title of the damned ongoing V Live: I’M BACK! I MISSED YOU GUYS! Who missed me? 

His eyes widen, Mingyu finally adding up everything that means from this V Live. He storms out his room, his door loudly banging against the wall which is probably heard by everybody at home. 

”Hyung! Hyuuuung! HYUUUUNG!” He screams to no one in particular. He runs around, trying to look for the first member he can find. His feet lands on the dining area where he finds Seungcheol and Jeonghan sitting and looking at him questioningly. He guesses it’s because of the door and more so because of his voice. 

”Jun hyung! It’s Jun hyung!” he frantically says, arms flailing everywhere with his phone in his that he nearly threw away from his grip. 

Both the eyes of the eldest widen, immediately bracing for the worst. “Check your phone!” Mingyu instructs them, joining the two on the table. 

Both of them do as instructed, expecting bad news regarding Jun’s health. But of course, in their life, things happen when they least expect it and things don’t happen when they are expecting it. Seungcheol’s eyes widen at the V Live notification, astounded by the title he shown on the screen. He taps on the screen and watches the V Live unfold, showing Jun shyly smiling at the screen and trying to read the comments from fans. The comments flood in with so much speed that Seungcheol notes Jun will adorably be having a hard time reading those comments in Korean quickly. But that’s not exactly what matters the most at the moment, is it?” 

”Why is Jun doing a V Live?” Jeonghan asks, evidently horrified. “I…I didn’t know he’s going to announce his gonna be back tonight?” 

”I didn’t even know that he’s coming back!” Mingyu whines, breaking the eye contact Jeonghan and Seungcheol are having. “Why am I not being informed this kind of important stuff about the group?” 

”Because none of us knew he’s coming back,” Seungcheol quips, focused on watching Jun cheerfully interacting with the fans as much as he can while trying to keep up with the relentless arrival of comments. 

”You didn’t know?” Mingyu and Jeonghan asks, gobsmacked. 

That’s when Seungcheol remembers his conversation with Jun not even an hour ago. His fingers rush on tapping away, directing to the message from Jun. 

_From: Jun-ah_

_hyung I wanna go on sns?_

_To: Jun-ah_

_tha’s good jun-ah, proud of u_

”So that’s what he meant by that,” he whispers to himself, dumbfounded by his dumbness and by Jun’s smarts. 

”What is it?” Jeonghan asks in a rush. 

”He texted me a while ago telling me he wants to go on SNS. I allowed him because I thought he was just sharing that he’s finally checking out his SNS after ignoring them for so long. I thought he was just going to look around or look up what we’ve been up to on Twitter or Weverse, I didn’t realize he would do a V Live!” 

”Moon Junhui, you naughty brat!” Mingyu exclaims, not sure if he’s supposed to be annoyed or entertained that Jun fooled their leader. 

”There’s no use on stopping the V Live so might as well just as watch it. We’ll talk to Jun afterwards,” Jeonghan tries to soothe Seungcheol, hand reaching out and rubbing the nape of his neck. 

The leader doesn’t say anything, eyes fixed on the screen while thinking about the best way to react to the situation. His first instinct is to scold the younger, since it’s how any leader of any group would do. But as he watches Jun converse with the fans, doing his best to read the comments even they pass by so fast since all the fans are probably going into shock at his surprise V Live, he can’t help but feel proud. He prefers to have Jun tell him the truth but another part of him is tremendously happy that the boy is doing something without asking about anybody’s approval. It’s not exactly the smartest thing to do as an idol, but Seungcheol would be a bad brother if he’s gonna reprimand him for his actions after everything that he has been through. 

”Nah, I’m proud of him.” 

”You are?” Jeonghan asks. 

”You are?” Mingyu repeats. “Y-You’re not mad at Jun hyung?” 

He shows the two of them a gummy smile. “No. Just a little annoyed that he didn’t tell me, but I’m proud of him for doing this on his own. Maybe he also experienced a hard time making the kind of decision. Let’s not be angry at him and just tell him that this is the only time he’s gonna be exempted from a scolding.” 

Suddenly, the group chat is brought to life by Dino who asked why wasn’t he informed that Jun is coming back, followed by Dokyeom saying the same, and then the others asking about why they weren’t informed more maturely. Seungcheol and Jeonghan sighs, leaning back against the chairs and musing over their chaotic life that they would never ask to be changed. 

”So this means that Jun hyung is actually back, huh?” Mingyu eagerly inquires for reassurance. 

”Yes, Mingyu,” Jeonghan answers. “But, he still needs to be careful.” 

”That’s right,” Seungcheol agrees. “Joshua said his migraines have lessened and he feels less tired during the day. Actually, Shua told me he’s grown restless at home. Jun-ah surely misses dancing and singing, so he’s gonna give his 150%, which is why we need to make sure he doesn’t overwork himself. We’ll talk to him in the morning. Let’s eat, Jeonghan-ah. That made me hungrier.” 

”Wait, hyung…” Mingyu trails off. “What about the company? Does this mean they also don’t know about this? Oh no, Jun will be in so much trouble!” 

Seungcheol simply smiles. “I’ll try to talk to them to not scold him so much. They need to give him a break, but I can’t absorb all the damage from the company. They’re gonna find a way to reprimand him and his actions, but I’ll make sure it’s not too much.” 

”Moon Junhui, really,” Jeonghan says in between chews. “’He seldom does things that will get him in trouble but it has to be the really dangerous things that he does.” 

  
  


Soonyoung walks towards Jun and grabs him by the shoulders, directing him to his assigned location in the first formation of the choreography. Everyone watches him vibrating in his matching vivid mustard yellow sweatshirt and sweatpants in amusement. He thrives under the positive reactions, equally shy and embarrassed to be under the spotlight. Maybe if he stops moving around excitedly so much the boys won’t pay him much attention, but he can’t help it. He jumps on his new location like a little boy told to stay where he is if he wants to not get lost and see the elephants at the zoo. 

Behind is Wonwoo and Joshua standing in a much, much more relaxed manner, having their arms crossed and patiently waiting for Hoshi to finalize the first formation of the choreography. 

”You sure you can finish the entire performance?” Shua asks. 

Jun can’t help but roll his eyes. “Yes, Shua! This is the third time you asked me today and it’s only 9 AM. I’ll be fine, Joshua Hong.” 

Joshua laughs, eyes crinkling. “Okay, Moon Junhui. Just making sure.” 

”But seriously, tell us if your head is aching or you need a break, okay?” Someone jumps in the conversation. Jun turns around and sees Minghao in front of him, looking at him from head to toe as if he’s checking for injuries. 

”Wait, aren’t you supposed to be over there?” Jun asks, giggling at the boy’s silliness. “Silly Haohao, what are you doing here?” 

”Yeah, Silly Haohao!” Hoshi’s voice booms across the room. “What are you doing there? You’re supposed to be here beside Vernon-ah and in front of Jeonghan hyung.” 

Minghao looks like a guilty teenager caught shoplifting a candy bar. “I just went to drink from my water bottle, chill.” 

Hoshi looks at him with a strict expression but still with a teasing glare as he watches Minghao come back to his position. “You’ve been over there for fifteen minutes, aish.” 

The main dancer comes back to his position which brings him beside Seungcheol and in front of Jihoon. As the choreographer discusses the theme and the supposed feel of the dance to them, he feels a finger poke the side of his waist. He looks over his shoulder and sees Jihoon smiling and laughing in silence. 

”Don’t be so strict with Myungho. He’s worried. This is Jun’s first day, he’s gonna be overbearing for days,” Woozi tells him in hushed voice. 

”Myungho told me to tell you to also be less strict with Jun, as if none of us understand his situation,” Seungcheol joins in the whispered conversation, laughing quietly. “He thinks you’re gonna be as hard on him as you are on us." 

Hoshi pouts. “Hey, I’m very happy that Jun-ah is finally here with us, of course I’ll cut him some slack. I’m not that of a strict leader…am I? Not like Seungcheol hyung that’s for sure. Right, Jihoon-ah?” 

Jihoon-ah shakes his head. “Not, definitely not like Seungcheol hyung. But you do get carried away with teaching sometimes. I mean, you’re too intense when you really want something to be done immediately. It’s cool. I got no problem with that.” 

Seungcheol snorts. “I thought it was cool too. And then I overheard some of the trainees talking about us. They were saying how you sometimes teach steps like we’re trainees. Now they think you’re also one of the bossy members.” 

The tiger-loving boy’s eyes widen. “Me? Bossy? Oh, my god, there is no way. It’s just…well now that I think about it I have been stricter with you guys these past few weeks.” 

”Yeah, you were too intense and firm with us,” Woozi adds, memories of the previous practices coming back to him. “What’s up with you?” 

”Right. Do you have a problem, Hoshi-ya?” Seungcheol asks, the three members having completely forgotten about their assigned positions. 

Woozi and Seungcheol watch Hoshi pout, lips jutting out and looking down at the floor. “I honestly don’t know, to be honest. Maybe I need to de-stress alone after this. Aish, I’ve been a little harsh with the kids have I?” 

”You felt stressed and uncomfortable because the performance team wasn’t complete,” a voice declares from somewhere else. 

Three heads snap to the direction of where the voice originated and find the youngest of SEVENTEEN walking towards them and joining their circle. “The performance team was never really incomplete. Even when you dislocated your shoulder you didn’t take a break. When Jun hyung got sick before, it was bad but he was only resting for weeks. And Myungho hyung takes care of himself so well that I can’t recall at time that he had to take a break. And I never got injured before, just fatigue and maybe a fever or cold here and there. But what recently happened to Jun stressed you out because it was a car accident. And if we are asked to choose which injury we want to get, an injury from a car accident will never be chosen because for many it could mean game over. And so you got worried. No. You got scared because for the first time you felt uncertainty in the performance team. And there goes Jun’s mental health. You’re worried because while you know Jun hyung is strong, you still see him as fragile sometimes because of his innocence and kindness. That’s why these past few weeks you’ve been really strict, quite bossy, and really impatient with us because you want everything to be better, especially that we are not complete.” 

Seungcheol, Hoshi, and Woozi become tongue-tied, merely blinking at Dino who is looking at them with knowledge in his eyes that Hoshi had to foolishly think twice if Dino is the maknae of the group. 

He smiles at the three and _continues_ , “Hoshi hyung, you said before that Jun hyung stands as the middle ground which is why you’re lost these past few weeks. I learned that we can’t always stay at the peak but it’s also bad to stay at the bottom, or else we’re gonna lose stability. And that’s why you were stressed. Because beyond stress is fear.” 

He abruptly walks towards Hoshi, cackling with laughter in surprise. “Hyung, are you crying? Wait, why are you crying? Was it something I said?” 

”It was everything you said, Lee Chan-ssi,” Hoshi manages to say, only realizing he’s tearing up. “Oh, god. That was too much, our maknae.” 

”Everything I said was true though,” Chan pouts, itching to wipe away his hyung’s tears but understand he can’t or else it will steal the attention of the other members. “I didn’t mean to make you cry. I actually thought you guys were gonna get mad. You aren’t mad, right?” 

”No, not at all!” Woozi exclaims, entertained by the sight of Soonyoung crying and immensely proud of Dino’s insight. “It was unexpected but I think we needed to hear that, especially Hoshi.”

”We’re…a little in shock, Dino-yah,” Seungcheol says, gums appearing with his wide smile. His arm automatically hangs around Hoshi for comfort, watching the younger wipe away his tears as he strives to cry silently. “ _Aigoo,_ every time we think we know everything you can do, you say things like this to prove us wrong.” 

”Hm, that is true,” Dino confirms with boastfulness. “I do sometimes think you guys underestimate me.” 

” _Aigoo, aigoo._ ” Hoshi abruptly reaches for his cheeks, pinching it then squeezing it repeatedly. “Our smart, bright, intelligent, amazing maknae.” 

Dino laughs, actually allowing Hoshi to torture his face. Then in a whisper he says, “Jun hyung is gonna be okay, hyung. He’s stronger than he looks. He’s stronger than we think.” 

”Hey! Three leaders and the maknae! Stop chitchatting!” The choreographer’s voice resounds in the practice room, causing laughter from the rest of the members who are completely in the dark about their conversation. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I hope you all enjoyed that. As always, this chapter is not proof-read but I do try and edit the chapter when I've uploaded it. I know, it's not a very smart thing to do. I hope you enjoyed that!
> 
> Fun fact: the scene between the leaders and the maknae is not planned at all. I was only guessing members since it didn't really matter because it was only for the position they were making for the choreography's formation, but it just happened that I situated Scoups, Woozi, and Hoshi to be near each other in the formation. I've been meaning to show how Hoshi feels with what is going on with Jun since he is the performance unit leader and I didn't realize I would show it in this chapter, with the very help of Channie! Also, I just remembered what Hoshi said about Jun being their middle ground in their Hit The Road documentary, which is why it was important for me to have it mentioned here. 
> 
> If you are reading this end notes, please be informed that I am planning to release another fanfiction. This time it will be a member x original female character. The storyline is still in the works, but all I can say is that the member will be: JOSHUA HONG. 
> 
> I'm really excited for this newest project of mine, so please stay in tune for it and of course, for the next chapter of Keep Your Eyes Open. Feedback and comments in general are always welcome. Be safe and I love you all. Have a great 2021.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jun is not out of the woods yet.

Today is the day where Jun will be seeing his fans in person for the first time since his long break. It’s long overdue, really, but Seungcheol talked to him alone for three hours after practice to convince him it wouldn’t hurt if he will be taking more break. Upon hearing that, Jun remembers frantically shaking his head at the leader and refusing, refusing, and refusing. He said everything he could to the leader on why he shouldn’t take anymore break. He had presented three reasons: 1) his concussion is healing well; 2) his mental health is getting better; and 3) the group has to be complete for the comeback. 

He was told that they won’t be starting the comeback without him. He will be present every step of the way and that they plan to push the schedules back for his break. Jun almost teared up then and there, if only his hesitation did not get ahead of his gratefulness. He reminisces his conversation with their beloved leader which ended like this: 

_”Push back the comeback? For me?” Jun murmurs, biting his lip. “You guys will do that for me?”_

_Seungcheol can’t help but laugh. “Why do you say that like you can’t actually believe it? It’s not like we’re forcing ourselves to do this for you, Jun-ah. We really, really want to do this for you. Way before the comeback date was planned, half of the members suggested at least a week of break for you.”_

_The leader’s large hands cups Jun’s cheeks, pulling him closer to him. “We know you’ve been doing really well with your concussion and your mental health, but we just want to make sure you’ve recovered really well, especially when it comes to your mental health. Dr. Caville has been really proud of you but a little more rest won’t hurt. Rest hard is one of our mottos, remember?”_

_”A week?” Jun squeaks, looking almost terrified at the idea. “Hyung, is this really necessary?”_

__

_”Yes,” Scoups asserts, baffled that Jun actually asked such question. “This is so important, Jun-ah. You know how comebacks get, we don’t see the light of day sometimes. Just like how I did when I took a break, you need a break too. I only took a few more days of break that time because literally I took such a long break while you kids where doing our world tour. You, on the other hand, had to deal with your concussion too. See? It’s more than necessary. What was the thing you learned again?”_

__

_”That I can’t escape time, therefore I should just learn to run with it,” Jun recalls, looking back to his past therapy session._

__

_”Right. So are we okay now, will you actually be taking a break?” Seungcheol asks for confirmation._

__

_Jun nods, giving in with a sigh. “Yes.”_

__

_He watches the leader flash him a gummy smile. “Good job. So proud of you, Jun-ah.” He is pulled in for a warm embrace, enclosed inside his Coups hyung’s muscly arms._

__

Fast forward to the present, they will be live recording a music showcase for their comeback which meant they will be meeting fans outside the building. Jun can’t help but feel nervous, jittery on the car seat beside Minghao who is kind enough to sit beside him for comfort. His hand is clasped with his, eyeing Jun from time to time as the car gently rolls down the road that it doesn’t bother Jun as much. At the moment, Jun’s point of stress is the comeback and the fact that the fans will be seeing him for the first time. Aside from the V Live he abruptly did that time, the Carats haven’t heard or seen of him since. 

__

He feels Minghao’s hand tighten around him, his fingers intertwined with his. Both of their hands are resting on the younger’s thigh. “Are you okay, ge?” 

__

He means the question to be a whisper but Jun can tell everyone heard by how the buzz from other members lowered a little bit to hear his answer. “I’m okay. Just jumpy, don’t mind me. It’s the jitters, I’ll be fine. Can I have more coffee?” 

__

”Nope,” Minghao says at the same time with Seungkwan, who is sitting behind them. “You’ll get more jumpy if you drink coffee.”

__

”That’s right, Moon Junhui,” Seungkwan seconds. “Did you drink the black tea that I sent you yesterday this morning? That’s better to drink in the morning for you.” 

__

”I did,” Jun tells him while looking over the shoulder to look at Seungkwan. “It sucked.” 

__

Seungkwan laughs at the disgusted expression the Chinese boy is wearing. “You’ll get used to it! You don’t have to drink it forever, but I read somewhere it helps for you to be energized in the morning without too much palpitation.” 

__

”So does actual coffee,” Jun sulks. He missed the drink of latte in the morning. Without the mother hen-ing members he would have either latte or cappuccino in the morning. But he had black tea this morning with no sugar at all instead. He couldn’t help but look at Mingyu in anger when the puppy served it to him. 

__

”We’ll ask them to get you sweet potato latte later, how ‘bout that?” Minghao negotiates with a cute smile plastered on his face. Jun guesses the smile is there to appease him or at least make him forget about the witch’s concoction he downed earlier. 

__

They finally arrive outside the building where photographers and their fans are waiting outside set with a safe distance between them. They all leave the car in casual but stylish clothes, all of them certainly rocking the comfy but fashionable loungewear that everybody seems to be obsessed about nowadays. As they walk to the front of the photographers, he catches a full sight of Minghao’s perfect body and _uhm,_ outfit. It doesn’t come close as glamorous as their stage costumes would be later on but the younger looks so effortlessly handsome that he has to look more than once. He achieves to steal Jun’s attention with only a pair of custom Nike, a pair of baggy navy blue joggers, a tattered graphic tee, and a flashy sailboat-printed windbreaker jacket to protect him from the morning chill. He tops it off with his favorite black bucket hut and a couple of studs pierced through his ears. 

__

Minghao is one, if not the most, fashion-oriented members which is why more often than not, the stylists allow him to choose some of the pieces he will be wearing during performances. Jun can say he can be chic but he can never pull off the many outfits Minghao puts himself in. Blood rushes through his cheeks upon realizing he’s checking out the younger member, albeit not through a provocative lens, but is still admiring him. He becomes thankful that he is wearing a white mask to cover his bare (and blushing) face. 

__

Screams and cheers emerge from the fans as they finally see him. As Jun feels embarrassment from the individual spotlight, he still waves actively at the fans despite the mask covering his smile. After a bow and a couple of photographs, they head to the building where they will be starting the live recording of their song soon. 

__

_The show goes on,_ Jun tells himself with a contented grin, surprisingly calm as the closing doors of the building gradually block the sound of the fans yelling their names. 

_  
  
_

Everything is going great, to say the least. Two recording sessions of their comeback have been accomplished and each time the members and the staff have genuinely expressed their admiration over Jun’s remarkable close-ups of dancing and singing. He has lost count of the times the eldest hyungs have pinched his cheeks or called him adorable. He also has lost count of the times Booseoksoon have freaked out over the simplest things, either the camera closed up on him or it was able to take a full-shot of Jun’s killing point. 

__

Yes. Hoshi and the choreographer made him responsible for the killing point. He was at the center for a good full minute, dancing in fuller angles to emphasize his center position while the rest of the members would be dancing the same steps with a more subdued energy just to have the audience and the camera focus on him. It _burdened_ him, Jun was honest to the members. Truthfully, he did not need to articulate his worry because everyone was able to read it all over his face. However, the members told him he would kill it, and he did. Damn, he slayed that killing point. 

__

The jitters he experiences from being nervous turn into adrenaline rushing through him before and after the performance. Jun knows he’s doing really well because finally, after a long time, he feels himself again. 

__

All of them are currently lounging in their dressing and waiting room as they wait to be called for a live recording. Minghao wordlessly sits beside him eating a sandwich. Jun fixes his stare on the younger and eventually watches him look at him after taking two bites. With a roll of an eye, Minghao offers his sandwich. 

__

”Thank you,” Jun says with a giggle. He takes a big bite, giggling more at the sight Minghao rolling his eyes once again. 

__

”Jun-ah, your sandwich is right here,” Jeonghan calls out across from them, pointing at the wrapped sandwich on the coffee table in front of them. 

__

”I’ll eat that later, hyung.” Jun laughs. 

__

”He just wants to eat my food for the fun of it,” Minghao comments with a playful glare. 

__

Jeonghan smiles at the sight of his younger brothers before him, happy and relieved they are all complete in the comeback. They sit beside each other with almost no space between them, their torsos slight brushing each other as Jun actively shifts in his seat like he always does because the kid _cannot_ stay still (except when he’s immersed in his phone), while Minghao continues eating with a book in his hand. Their outfits are matching with the combination of colors black and red given by the stylists, but Jeonghan chooses not to address it loudly. He stays contented on looking at them like they are a couple in his mind. He quickly fights off the smile appearing on his face, not wanting to be noticed by the kids in front of them. 

__

A staff soon calls out for their turn to perform on stage. Everybody gets on their feet with Jun inhaling a deep breath and loudly exhaling it. He is body is vibrating and slightly bouncing while following the members outside the room. The younger can’t help but tug at the boy’s sleeve from behind. 

__

Jun stops on his feet and turns around. “What’s wrong?” 

__

”Nothing,” Minghao replies with a shake of his head and a growing smile on his face. “I just want to say that I’m so proud of you. You’re doing so well.” 

__

Jun’s chest rumbles as laughter crawls out of him. “What’s with you all of a sudden? Are you okay?” His laughter dies down with Jun looking at him with overflowing sincerity. The people around them go about their tasks, but the two pay no mind. “It’s all because of you guys. Especially you.” 

__

”Alright, guys! Huddle!” Hoshi’s loud voice intervenes as his yell is heard by everybody in the hallway. “It’s show time! Jun-ah, do the honors!” 

__

Jun flashes Minghao a beautiful smile and unexpected wink, which nearly causes Minghao to stumble on his own feet. It almost feels like the elder sent such private and… intimate action to tease him. If to tease him is his intention, it’s working as he feels heat rise to his neck as he follows the other members on the stage. He clears his throat, feeling his face get warm. He steals a glimpse of Jun who is far from the position he is in. A smirk is displayed on Jun’s face as the elder wills himself to calm down by himself. 

__

Minghao lets out an exhale of disbelief, unable to entirely believe that Jun sent a wink at him in secret and is smirking by himself afterwards. He dwells on it longer, but the music eventually booms through the speakers and like the others, he gets lost in the music. 

__  
  


They step out into the building but do not head straight to their cars as the vehicles from them and the staff were parked far away. The reason why is because at certain times during the comeback they need to greet photographers and their fans waiting for them outside like today wherein they gracefully walk to greet the people waiting for them. 

__

Since the sun is setting, the photographers start clicking on their cameras with continuous flashes bursting from the lens. Familiar with the scene, Jun calmly waves along with the others. Since he understands the fans are as thrilled as he is with his recovery, he tugs off the face mask he is wearing to cover his bare face to greet them properly. 

__

The volume of the cheers increase as they all see his entire face with Jun shyly waving a bit more. In excitement, many of the fans run to the barriers just to steal a closer look of him. Jun doesn’t mind the sudden action, relieved and aware of the distance that sits between them and the crowd. 

__

Jun suddenly feels a growing heaviness brought on his head as he continues smiling at the camera flashes, causing him to also feel the slightest bit of dizziness. The throb is still very much tolerable so he continuous smiling and waving. He then notices a camera’s flashing dimming but continuously clicking. Jun concentrates on that camera, grabbing the opportunity to still put on a smile while avoiding added pain on his head. 

__

He starts to smile more comfortably, relieved that there is a camera he can look straight at without worrying about a flash that can trigger a migraine. Slowly the camera dies down completely and the person holding it brings it down. Jun blinks, his mind automatically making out a face without actually realizing it. 

__

It is a young woman, maybe in her early or mid-twenties, holding the camera in her hands and looking directly at him. With a smile, she raises her hand and waves at him. Wearing a black trench coat and formal clothes underneath, Jun identifies her as a photographer. The woman has her brown long hair parted into two, resting on her shoulders and ending by her waist. Her smiling lips are painted in bright red, widening at the sight of Jun looking straight at him. 

__

Cool air rushes through Jun and the other members, yet he stays unfazed. His eyes remain on the lady whose face slowly becomes familiar to his eyes. Those red lips, wide eyes, and pale face. He feels the chill travel down his spine but Jun knows the cold has nothing to do with it. His eyes shift to another lady beside her. Jun gasps. 

__

Beside the woman is another lady slightly shorter than her companion. She is wearing a long sleeved dress ending below her knees. The pleats of her dress flow with the wind along with her blond hair flying everywhere and Jun momentarily wonders how come she doesn’t feel cold. The makeup on her face is more subtle than her friend. Her pink lips and blushing cheeks present the character of a gentler woman, shyly smiling at him with a small wave of her hand. 

__

His feet takes a step back, realization pumping into his system. _Oh, god._ His mind turns frantic, long forgotten the cameras and the fans. With trembling fingers, he puts the mask back on and gulps down a bile rising in his throat. He realizes it late that his hand that is waving at cameras is now by his side, trembling with the other. He looks down, eyes wide and mind empty. 

__

He steals another glance, just because he can’t help it and just because he doesn’t want to believe it. He wishes he didn’t. Both women notice they were recognized, looking at each other and shrieking among themselves in excitement. 

__

His eyes stay on them; the women continuously waving and smiling at him. The chill air causes his eyes to go misty but deep down Jun knows the weather is not the sole reason. He wants to look away, badly and desperately. But he can’t. His feels his chest tighten but he doesn’t feel his heartbeat quicken. He can only focus on his ears slowly tuning the sounds of camera flashes and cheering fans. The flashes become one large blur, growing in size and almost engulfing him. 

__

The one with the camera raises the gadget, taking a picture. This time, the camera snaps with a bright flash like the others. But this flash is different. Jun feels like it’s going to burn his eyes. Burn his entire body. He takes a step back, flinching. 

__

A cold hard pulls his colder hand and he tags along blindly, like a puppet to direction. Like how he is becoming a puppet to emotions. Somebody opens the car for them and he mutely sits at the backseat beside the window. Like a robot he stares outside and watch the cars pass by like a blur. The car is running as smooth as ever and Jun can partially notice his manager hyung looking at him from time to time. But due to his lack of reaction, nobody asks him if he’s doing fine, because he’s good at showing he is fine. Or so he thought.

__

”Jun-ah, are you alright? You didn’t move immediately when we finished with the picture-taking,” Seungkwan asks him, curiosity in his tone but Jun can’t formulate a proper answer. His lips are sewn shut but he stares at the younger innocently looking at him who is wearing his lens-less glasses with his head tilted to the side. Jun forces himself to talk. But he’s afraid to talk. So afraid to talk he feels his heart actually throb in his chest. It hurts so bad, but he needs to be strong. He can’t fall now. He can’t fail now. 

__

He smiles anyway. “Sorry, I was sleepy. You know me.” 

__

Seungkwan raises an eyebrow. “Are you sure, you don’t look fine hyu-“

__

”No, I’m fine,” Jun croaks in a soft voice, hoping Seungkwan won’t get the idea to not alarm the others. “Just… just tired. I’ll sleep here in the car.” 

__

Seungkwan, such an adorable and caring younger brother, nods at him before handing him a water bottle. “Okay, hyung. It must be still hard for you. Here, put your head on my shoulder and take a nap. I’ll wake you up when we get to the company.” 

__

He lays his head on Seungkwan’s shoulder like a robot in slow and rigid movements. He can’t bring himself to cry but his eyes become glassy. Jun closes his eyes but all he can see is the sight his of his two fans. Fans, huh. The tears finally come out, but they come out thin and light. Not the kind of big, fat, and heavy tears that can make you cry out loud. No. These tears come out shy, almost like blood trickling slowly from his body in the form of water. 

__

He itches to hold Seungkwan’s hand, just to anchor him but he knows it will catch some attention, so he keeps his trembling hand on his lap, covered by his jacket so the younger won’t notice his trembling hands. He further snuggles into Seungkwan’s side, relieved that the boy is wearing a padded coat. That way he won’t feel his tears trickling down his arm. 

__

Throughout the ride Jun’s eyes alternate from open to close. He can’t close his eyes for long. He doesn’t want to see in his mind those people. He can’t stomach that fact that he has seen them again ever since that night. Memories fall upon him like rocks mercilessly thrown at him. He bites his lower lip, eyebrows furrowing as he forces himself to calm down.

__

He’s not there yet. He isn’t falling down the dark hole. But he can feel himself tumbling downhill, directed at the open hole and straight into darkness once again. If he falls down that hole, he will feel suffocation. He will get trapped. He will lose air. And he might not rise to the surface once again. His jacket covers his tighten fists as he focuses on what he and Dr. Caville discussed about panic attacks. 

__

The best method for him is to breathe in for 5 seconds and breathe out for another five seconds. He repeats the pattern five times, relieved that by the third repeat the air feels lighter for him to breathe in. It is easier because it is not an actual panic attack. If it comes down to that, he’s gonna need more focus and prayer. 

__

The finally reach home and Jun slowly gets off the car with Seungkwan behind him. He stops in his tracks when Dokyeom gets a hold of both of his shoulders. The younger looks directly at him. “Hyung, you look really pale. Are you okay?”

__

Jun looks into Dokyeom’s eyes, asking himself the question presented to him. _Am I okay? _He almost had a panic attack before they arrived home, so that means earlier Jun wasn’t okay. But he fought off an actual panic attack happening, so should that mean he is okay now? Does that mean he can say he’s alright to his members with all honesty?__

_____ _

Panic attacks for Jun feel like he is thrown into a really tight box with something, or maybe someone, choking his neck and forbidding him to breathe. Sometimes, it feels like he’s thrown in the vast ocean with heavy shackles around his ankles, pulling him down until he catches no sight of sunlight. Until his heart stops beating. His lungs stop breathing. His mind stops working. 

_____ _

He smiles anyway. “It’s probably the cold. I need more sunlight. Come on, let’s get inside.” 

_____ _

He walks away from the members and lead them away from the car with the others coming out from the cars they were in during their travel to the company. They still have a more work to do for the promotions, therefore Jun feels incredibly thankful he prevented a panic attack from happening 

_____ _

They hear the voices of the fans which Jun takes as his cue to greet them with a wave of his hand. He just got back, it’s only right they are greeted. Thankful that his mask is covering his face, he looks at the crowd while waving. 

_____ _

”I’m sorry, you can’t go here. The fans can only be there. Please join the others,” he hears a manager say near them which could mean a fan was able to get near them. 

_____ _

He turns his head to the left and feels his heart shatter. It’s them. So close to him and the other members. If they push the manager away, only a few steps would require for them to touch him. They followed them. They followed him. In the midst of all the people around him, Jun can only focus on them. Those two women who followed their car directly from the company. They are looking straight at him, a camera strap still hanging around the brunette’s neck. 

_____ _

Somebody holds his hand and pulls him through the gate of the company along with the other members. But he can’t acknowledge the person who did. He can’t even look at anybody. He can only look at the white tiles of the floor, slightly reflecting the lights hung from the ceiling. But no, he doesn’t care about the interior of the company. He doesn’t care about anything, because he can’t afford to. 

_____ _

_They’re here._

_____ _

_They’re here. Outside the company. Outside the gates._

_____ _

They were so near him and the others that a manager needed to intervene. They were so near that Jun noticed the color of the brunnete’s scarf, red. So close that he noticed the fabric of the shorter woman’s dress, lace. 

_____ _

”Hyung, did those fans scare you? Don’t worry, they didn’t get close to us very much. Manager hyung quickly reacted.” 

_____ _

He raises his head and looks at Seungkwan, whose hand releases his. So he was the one who lead him inside. The sentence repeats in Jun’s head twice, and by the third play of the sentence in his mind, Jun feels himself _slip._ Tumbling down the hill, he once again goes near the dark hole. 

_____ _

He blindly follows the others to the elevator and only does Jun realize it was a big mistake. The box they are in feel smaller to him. His chest grows heavy and his knees start to shake. This time, Jun can’t even hide it. Seungkwan beside him quickly observes his state but isn’t as quick to react. He falls down to his knees, bare knees from the ripped jeans he is in hitting the cold floor of the ascending elevator. 

_____ _

It is Wonwoo who quickly reacts, only taking seconds before he identifies the situation before him. He kneels down beside him, hand swift but soft on his shoulder. “Jun-ah. Jun-ah, calm down. You’re okay. We’re here with you. They can’t get to you.” 

_____ _

Jun shakes his head but is unable to formulate words out loud. Frustration fills him, knowing they don’t understand and he is having a hard time making them understand. But he tries anyway. He can’t slip. He can’t fall down that hole. Down that abyss. “You…y-you don’t get it. You…you don’t understand, Won-“

_____ _

The doors opens and they all scramble out of the elevator with him sandwiched by the two. Wonwoo quickly picks up their mistake and takes one step away from his side, signaling Seungkwan to do the same to give him space. The rest of the staff behind them runs to the front and leads them to the practice room where they open the doors for them. The rest of the members lounge inside, sitting either on chairs or on the floor. 

_____ _

Minghao meets eyes with him first and instantly notices the change in his behavior. He walks to him calmly but doesn’t hold him like he wants to. “What’s wrong?” 

_____ _

The rest of the group follows but Jun can tell the elders are signaling for everybody to not surround him. Seungcheol steps in beside Minghao and the rest are behind the two, except Seungkwan and Wonwoo who are still by his side with safe distance. 

_____ _

Jun’s chest start to heave but not in an alarming manner. He knows he can fight this and control it, he just needs to get a hold of himself. He badly wants to speak but understands the importance on gaining control over his breathing first. Counting one to five in his head, he breathes in and out and does the patter three times while grabbing a hold of Minghao’s hands. 

_____ _

Quicker than expected, his breathing starts to normalize and air feels less stuffy. The tension in the room sizzles down with relief painted over everybody’s faces. Jeonghan has his hand grabbed by Hoshi and holds it tight in response. Joshua feels Mingyu’s always warm hand grow cold in his, but the elder grabs it anyway. Dino stands behind Woozi who has long forgotten about the newly opened can of coke he is holding. Vernon and Woozi stand side by side, looking at the scene calmly but also evidently worried. Dokyeom tugs Dino’s left sweater paw just to pull the younger closer to him and feel his warmth. Dino looks at him for a second understandingly, snuggling beside the vocalist as he feels his arm thrown over his shoulders. 

_____ _

”Can you talk now, Jun hyung?” Minghao asks on everybody’s behalf. 

_____ _

”It’s them,” Jun mumbles so softly the others far behind don’t hear him. He is looking down at his feet and just wanting to step away from the situation. 

_____ _

”Who?” Minghao asks. “Who did you see?” When Jun raises his head to look at him, he no longer needs an answer. 

_____ _

Seungcheol seem to have a clue, but as an overprotective brother and a leader, he asks for confirmation because a part of him doesn’t want to believe it. “Jun-ah… were they outside?” 

_____ _

”They were the ones manager hyung talked to outside,” Jun replies looking straight into Seungcheol’s eyes, his own eyes hardened. “They got close. Again.” 

_____ _

Everybody watches Jun’s jaw clench and eyes turn hard like steel, almost as if he has pushed away the childlike innocence his holds. It hurt the elders to see him that way, while the younger members slightly feel fear at the sight. “I saw them after recording too. Taking pictures.” 

_____ _

Nobody knows what to say for a moment but Jeonghan steps in like the concerned and intelligent brother he is. “Oh, Junnie. We’re gonna take care of this, don’t worry. Calm down, hm? We’re gonna make sure they stay away, Seungcheollie will talk to the company. Can hyung hold you?” 

_____ _

Jun feels grateful for him asking but he still feels embarrassed everyone needs to tread around him more carefully around him. “I’m alright now,. You don’t have to act awkward and all. We look so silly standing here in the middle.” 

_____ _

Jeonghan makes a ‘tsk’ sound, siding with Jun and wrapping an arm around the younger’s shoulders. “What do you mean silly? And we aren’t acting awkward, we are just making sure you are completely fine before everybody hogs you. Can we hog you?” 

_____ _

”You mean hug?” 

_____ _

”No, Moon Junhui,” Dokyeom speaks up behind Seungcheol, still holding Chan by his side. “Jeonghan hyung means hog. Like, like this…”

_____ _

Surprising everyone in front of them, Dokyeom and Dino grab everybody from behind and push them all to Jun. Everyone gets the message and hugs Jun tight for almost a minute until he finally lets out a giggle and then a laugh. He feels lips leave a peck on his cheek, a hand ruffle his hair, and a hand pat his back. 

_____ _

”Okay, maybe we do look silly,” Seungkwan realizes as they all pull away. 

_____ _

”I told you so,” Jun responds with a roll of his eyes. “We’re supposed to be meeting with the managers, right? Let’s get to it so we can all go home and have a…relatively early sleep.” 

_____ _

”Jun-ah,” Seungcheol calls him, causing the called out person to look at him with understanding. 

_____ _

”I know, hyung. Let’s discuss what just happened last after we put everything out of the way,” Jun plans with a smile as he feels his other hand warming up inside Minghao’s grip. He misses the way Seungkwan reacts, smirking at the sight while letting go and walking with the rest of the members outside the practice room. 

_____ _

Of course, the observant leader notices the reaction from the vocalist, but his stare remains unwavering. “Will you be okay, Jun-ah?”

_____ _

”Shouldn’t you get some rest first? The meeting will only be about promotions anyway, I can tell you all about it at home. You should get some rest in the waiting room and then we’ll call you when it’s time to talk about what happened earlier.” Minghao looks at him with so much worry that Jun feels his anger brew more at the knowledge that it was _them_ who caused this. But deep down, Jun knows the younger would be less worried had he reacted to the incident with less panic. But unfortunately, he is made different. There is no use in imagining alternative scenarios. This is his life. 

_____ _

He shakes his head repeatedly. “No, Haohao. I need to be present during the meeting. Promotions are important, you know that. Also, we’re going to be really sleepy when we get home that we won’t be able to discuss it. What difference would it make if I attend the meeting?” 

_____ _

Minghao merely looks at him with disbelief, clearly baffled but Jun lets out a giggle. “Haohao, I am fine. You literally saw me control an upcoming panic attack. It feels like controlling a super power…or lie a curse. But I am fine. I promise I’ll tell you if I don’t feel good. Let’s go, we can’t keep the others waiting. The others are as tired as I am, Haohao.” 

_____ _

It is Jun who grabs his hand this time, his thumb rubbing back and forth the skin under it. He sends him another smile for comfort and reassurance, tugging the younger outside the practice room. Behind them is the forgotten Seungcheol who is adapting the unmistakable role of a third-wheel. As usual, he doesn’t say anything. 

_____ _

_”They’ll figure it out sooner or later.”_ He smirks in private, watching the two walk in empty hallway like a couple coming home from a date with one of them being grumpy with the other trying to soften the partner up. As they enter the meeting room with a company representative, their managers, and the rest of the team, he sees Minghao hold Jun tighter to his side, taking the lead to comfort and support. In silence, they sit at the edge of the table with him following behind. The room is thick with tension. Judging by the staff’s reaction, the others have told them of what happened and so all of them are left wondering how the meeting should begin. Do they begin with what just happened earlier or do they commence the meeting as planned? 

_____ _

Jun stays silent, aware of the attention he is garnering but also of the staff trying not to look at him so as not to make him more uncomfortable. It annoys him because they’re too kind to deal with him straightforwardly, but it irritates the hell out of him to see them walk on eggshells around him. He doesn’t want to talk and lead the conversation, but this meeting has now been added a new agenda; one he is at the center of and is supposed to lead. 

_____ _

He looks at the leader, who is already looking at him with an expression he can’t read. “Hyung, let’s begin. We’ll talk about what happened a while ago later. The promotions come first.” 

_____ _

Seungcheol can only look at him with determination building in him as he realizes he needs to be as strong as Jun. What Dino said the other day comes back to him. _”He’s stronger than he looks. He’s stronger than we think.”_ With a nod, he gesture for the managers to begin the meeting with the agenda as originally planned. 

_____ _

They discuss about the music shows they will and will not be attending, including live and pre-recording performances, the overall schedule of the group and each member’s individual schedule, and the variety shows they will be attending as a whole and the shows which only need several members present. Of course, Seungkwan takes it upon himself to talk a lot during the discussion about the variety shows, after all, he does have to be present in all of them. They also talk about the Going Seventeen shootings schedule, making sure each task or event do not clash with other events. Last on the agenda is their fan meetings: how long will they take per meeting and per fan and how many days will the fan meeting last. 

_____ _

They go about it relatively smoothly with the early tension dissipating once Seungkwan and Hoshi take it upon themselves to look stupid and silly just to make everybody laugh, yet truly their target for laughter is Jun. No one can see it except Seungcheol and Joshua sitting by their sides but Minghao has his hand on Jun’s knee just touching it comfortably and casually. Several times do not acknowledge Jun casually taking the other’s hand and playing with the fingers on his own lap as he giggles at Dino and Seungkwan bicker. The two of the eldest members laugh along, comforted by the sight of the two being each other’s support system. Although they must say, they are quite the touchy couple when they want to. Too bad they aren’t a couple yet. Both of them share a secret knowing look and come back to making sure the meeting goes back on track by stopping the two youngest members argue.

_____ _

Soon enough, the meeting ends and the manager has his eyes landed on Jun and then Seungcheol. With a sigh, Seungcheol holds Jun’s shoulder and then palm the back of his head. In surprise, he watches the boy beside him smile. 

_____ _

Jun then looks at the manager and then at the other members. “We can talk about it comfortably, there really is no other way to discuss this one. The best way is to um…face it as straightforward as we can.” 

_____ _

As he finishes talking, he feels his confidence breaking for all the stares almost burn him, until Jeonghan sends him a gentle smile across the table which immediately soothes his heart. And so he continues, “I know those girls were already warned but it’s clearly those warnings given to them weren’t very effective. If they came knowing I’m here, it means they can come whenever they feel like it. We’re going to be out in the public more than normal since this comeback is so big. There must be something we can do. I know they can’t exactly be punished by law, by there are other ways we can send a message.” 

_____ _

Everyone is clearly taken aback by Jun initiating the meeting. Normally, they have to coax a response out of him, even during important meetings about their comeback. But they suppose Jun is doing the right thing. This is about him, he needs to be at the forefront of it, no matter how worried they are. 

_____ _

The manager nods. “Of course, Jun. The best way is if one of us see them, the managers will be notified. They will talk to them directly. For now, there is nothing we can do much. We also plan to add more security every time we go out. I think also don’t have to explain to you why we need to be more strict about your whereabouts when you kids go out with your friends or family. These girls have taken a liking to Jun but they will surely take any chance they can get with getting close to any of you.” 

_____ _

”This means we need to be familiar with their faces…” Jun pauses, looking all the while serious. “They aren’t physically harmful…but they know what they’re doing and they don’t care if it’s wrong. You saw how they avoided the security and got to us, that means they really want to get close to us. I don’t want any of you getting close to them, I mean it.” 

_____ _

In all the years they have been with Jun, it is only now they see him like this – cold and distant. It freezes some of them inside by simply watching the warmth he has always held fade away. Initially all of them had a collective thought, this is not Jun, at least not the Jun they know. But as they watch him discuss with the manager about the things he wants to be done regarding security, they gradually realize this is still the Jun they love. Only difference is that this person is someone who has suffered. This is the Jun who has recently gone through things unimaginable in his career and in his life generally. 

_____ _

The group’s collective thought and feeling is that they hate this. They hate every single second of it. Some of them are shifting in their seat, clearly uncomfortable by watching Jun detached. The rest remain unmoved in their seats, observing and watching. Seungcheol and Woozi communicate with Jun and the manager, while Hoshi and the others speak up whenever they feel like it. 

_____ _

One thing noticeable is the strain in their voices whenever one of them speak up. The topic is clearly unwanted and unwelcomed but they lay the problem on the table as one of the member’s problem is the entire group’s problem. 

_____ _

”I know we hate saying the word. Sasaeng is the term I also don’t like saying out loud,” Seungcheol expresses. “But this is not the first time we faced a problem like this, but this is the most serious problem yet. We’ve been able to push these people away easily before, but clearly we need to find another way to deal with this. It might take weeks or even a few months but we have to be on guard, okay? We need to be careful.” 

_____ _

Only Minghao and Seungcheol know about those girls taking pictures of him when they sneaked inside his hospital room that night. Ever since that night, Jun wants to make sure it stays that way. But seeing those two girls once again, everything is coming back to him like a whirlwind, and so honesty is the best value to observe. “They love taking pictures. It doesn’t matter where you are, they will take pictures of you and they will touch you like…like you are their friends. There is no boundary with them. There is no such thing as privacy. In our job, I’m starting to feel like personal boundary and privacy are illusions. But we always protected those things ever since, so let’s not stop now. I’m sorry it got far like this, I really wish I know how to stop it but all we can do at the moment is to be careful but at the same time don’t be scared. This will end soon, I know it.” 

_____ _

Jun is confident it will end because one way or another, he will end it. Those women started it. And he will finish it on his own terms. He can’t go on like this, desperately fearing a dark hole only existing in his head every time he sees a crowd of his fans. He can’t crumble every time. 

_____ _

He keeps the vengeful thoughts inside his head, knowing none of the members nor will the company staff approve of them. The sole reason why those women keep coming back is because they want to be near him. And so when a chance comes for them to get close to him, he will be sure it will be the last. 

_____ _

Honestly speaking, his plan is nowhere near vengeful. But it can be dangerous. But it is necessary. He needs to put a stop to this. Even if it puts him to danger, he will do everything he can to make sure they don’t get close to any of the members. 

_____ _

They leave the company quietly and reach home in silence. Everyone is exhausted but their minds run more actively than when they were on stage. On stage performing, there is no need to think. There is just the music and them. When they are on stage together, there is passion and energy. There is magic produced by their relationship with their song. During problems like this, they can’t move with the flow. They can’t predict the next move. All they can do is be resilient and vigilant. 

_____ _

”Good night, hyung,” Dino says suddenly, breaking the silence. Jun gives the younger a hug that lasted for only a few seconds, but the warmth stays with him until Joshua replaces Dino. The hug lasted longer with the elder rubbing the back of his head. 

_____ _

They both pull away and Jun can tell by Shua’s troubled expression that he has a hard time finding the right words to say. Jun can’t help chuckle, yet the laughter doesn’t reach his eyes. Shua stare at his empty eyes, at loss for words by the situation but more by Jun’s change of demeanor. “Hyung, you don’t need to say anything. You don’t have to. You’re here and I know that, and it’s all that matters.” 

_____ _

Shua nods with melancholy, air exhaled out of his mouth. He and Dino head to their respective rooms, leaving Wonwoo and Woozi merely looking at him. The stare down of the three of them lasts for five seconds before the two wrap their arms around him. The pull away quickly and simply stare at Jun’s frigid state. For a moment they almost feel frozen by the coldness in his eyes. 

_____ _

”We know you can do it,” Wonwoo talks first while Woozi continues being his observant himself. “We’re a little worried, but not compared to the others. We believe in you.” 

_____ _

”Jun-ah,” Woozi trails off. “You’re not alone. This problem is not yours to deal with alone, we can help. We want to.” He pauses, seeing no change in Jun’s almost lifeless eyes. He can’t force words into Jun’s mind if the latter doesn’t want to accept it. Several years during their early idol days taught Woozi that. It isn’t a lie to everybody that he was a little cold when they were first starting out. Many wanted to tell him things but they couldn’t because they couldn’t force the words into his head. All of them gave him space until Woozi realized he needed to reach out and change if he wanted to be the best leader and brother he can be. And so Woozi took it upon himself to force the words he needed to his own mind, words that changed him and opened him up to the members. Looking back, Woozi knows he would have many regrets had he stayed the quiet and unapproachable person he was during the beginning. 

_____ _

As much as he wants to tell all of these to Jun, He knows, then and there, that there is nothing that can be said or done tonight. What Jun needs is space. He and Wonwoo watch Jun nod and quietly say, “Thank you. I know that. Get some sleep, tomorrow’s a long day.” 

_____ _

All that is left in the living area is Minghao who seems to be troubled on how to approach Jun. Woozi and Wonwoo leave them a sympathetic look, aware they aren’t noticed by the way the two look at each other with no words said. Poignancy fills the air, almost suffocating Minghao who strives to find warmth in Jun’s eyes. 

_____ _

”Get some sleep, Haohao,” Jun instructs under his breath, the bags under his eyes evident. “You wash up first after the others finish. Surely Chan has finished washing up, the kid doesn’t take a long time in the shower.” 

_____ _

”How ‘bout you?” Minghao weakly asks, trying to meet Jun’s eyes but failing as the elder avoids his stare. 

_____ _

”Hm, me? I’ll go last. Don’t mind me,” Jun answers. “Go ahead, Haohao. I’ll just have some water. I’ll see you tomorrow, ‘kay?” 

_____ _

Minghao can only stare, covering up the dejection he is feeling. Ever since Jun got home, they’ve been sleeping on the same bed. None of them has acknowledged it, including their roommates and the other members. The others could care less. It is Jun who asks to join him for a nap until they find themselves waking up the next morning, and so the two fell into an unspoken decision they might as well sleep on the same bed. It doesn’t matter whose room they will take. 

_____ _

These past few weeks they alternate from his bed to Jun’s, depending on the night’s activities. If Jun finds Minghao sketching or painting, the two wordlessly decide to sleep on Minghao’s room. If Minghao goes to Minghao’s because he forgot to eat dinner because he is busy on playing the piano or using his phone, that means they will be sleeping on Jun’s. The arrangement continues smoothly, both of them contented on waking up side by side in the morning. To hear Jun they will be seeing each other again only tomorrow morning, Minghao feels he has heard a rejection on a question he hasn’t even asked yet. 

_____ _

”But, Jun ge…”

_____ _

Jun shakes his head. “I’ve been taking too much of your time. You probably miss sleeping alone. I’m sorry, Haohao. You’ve been doing so much for me. I promise I’ll make it up to you, right when the comeback ends. Good night, Hao.” 

_____ _

Jun walks past him, heading to the kitchen to make himself a cup of Chamomile tea. As he waits for the water to boil with eyes looking at the kettle vacantly, he feels a hand hold his. He turns around and sees Minghao looking worried and exhausted. It pains Jun to see he has done this. How many nights has he spent sleeping beside Minghao, knowing all the well the younger cherishes his time being alone? How many times has he caused Minghao in tears? He has been depending on the younger too much, when as the older one, he needs to be the stronger one. 

_____ _

”What is it, Hao?” 

_____ _

”Y-You don’t have to sleep alone, ge,” Minghao stutters, not knowing if his words are right. But there is not much to think about, not when Jun is clearly not okay. “Don’t worry about me. I’m here for you, ge.” 

_____ _

”Maybe you shouldn’t.” Jun watches Minghao let go of his hand, almost as if his words scalded him. He doesn’t have to know that it did. 

_____ _

Ge, what are you saying?” Minghao can only whisper, the energy he has left draining in his body. 

_____ _

”I’ve been causing too much problems. I’ve been leaning on you too much. I can’t get used to that. It’s not right. I’m sorry, Hao. I know I’m being hard on you right now, but you’ll understand one day. Right now, please believe me when I say I’m okay.” 

_____ _

”But you’re not okay!” Maybe Minghao shouldn’t have raised his voice, but it’s too late. The Jun he knows isn’t far away from him like _this._

_____ _

Now it is Jun’s turn to feel scalded by his words. His eyes harden, anger rising out of him. “No, I’m not! And you aren’t too. Look at you, you look so tired. It’s also because of me why you look like this. I’ve been taking too much of your time. I can’t depend you like this, Hao. In the end, I can only deal with this alone.” 

_____ _

”Maybe if you don’t push us away, you won’t be alone,” Minghao bites back, eyes expressing the same anger. How dare he push him away, after everything he has done for him. He can’t believe the nights he spent watching Jun sleep beside him, praying to the skies above he gets better and he goes through everything would only end up like this. After warm nights, Minghao does not expect ending up on bed cold and alone. 

_____ _

”You don’t know how hard is it, Hao.” Jun once imagined that a time will come during his recovery process that he would break. He did not expect it would be like this. “Panic attacks are not just like asthma leveled up…or like couple of asthma attacks combined into one. No. Every time I have a panic attack, I feel like I’m gonna die. Every time I feel scared and paranoid, I feel like there’s a ghost that would choke me to death just because for some reason, I don’t deserve to live. Because I wasn’t able to fight back and push away my fears. I was doing so well and yet just seeing their faces, it’s all gone. I’m back to where I started. So I know this is stupid and pathetic, but I can’t _not_ push you away. You don’t have to watch me break like ths, Hao. You can step away. You don’t have to take care of me. You owe me nothing. Take care of yourself, that’s important.” 

_____ _

If Minghao was angry a few moments ago, then he is livid now. His eyes start to burn with the same extremity as the way Jun’s eyes were frozen a while ago. “How dare you,” he retaliates. “I never thought you to be so selfish and here you are, just fucking thinking about yourself. I’m sorry you feel like death is so near you every time you get a panic attack, but I am more sorry for you that you didn’t witness Coups ge at home just beg for you to be okay. You didn’t know that, didn’t you? I was left alone when you we first got to the hospital even though Coups ge wanted to stay. When he got home to get your things, he immediately comforted the others because that’s what he was supposed to do. But no one saw him go through an anxiety attack after so long except for Hannie ge and Shua ge. All I know was that Coups ge was so broken that time they didn’t know how he dealt with your case with the accident and then with the company.” 

_____ _

Minghao watches a shift in Jun’s eyes but every care he once had is all thrown out the window. “You didn’t see Seungkwan cry every night. What, you thought he was overreacting when he told you his face has been swollen every morning because he has been crying every night? No, you’re wrong. Hannie ge was at the brink of losing his mind comforting everyone else while crying himself to sleep every night. Hoshi ge was the worst performance unit leader he could ever be when you were gone because there was a hole in the performance unit. You didn’t just get sprained ankle or dislocated shoulder. You got into a fucking car accident. Our group name Seventeen was called that because we’re thirteen, not having you would mean we aren’t exactly Seventeen, isn’t it? He was so bossy every damn practice but even Woozi ge couldn’t complain about it. Because everyone could see deep down, Hoshi ge was hurting. He was scared.” 

_____ _

He watches Jun’s eyes become glassy and then finally teary-eyed. Maybe if he wasn’t so cold to everyone he would feel sorry and guilty, but he isn’t. Minghao needs to see Jun feel something. And he wants to get everything out of his chest too. 

_____ _

”Mingyu bought so much peppers and cooked so much spicy dishes that we all got sick of it by the end of the week. Our lips and tongues got numb from eating them. Wonwoo would try to finish the food no matter how spicy it was to cheer Mingyu up. Shua hyung would try his best to make Dokyeom smile but it was almost impossible because he would cry at everything that reminded him of you – whether it was a fucking black face mask, hotdogs, Mingyu’s spicy dishes, and dumplings. Fucking dumplings. That’s because of you. Vernon would stay at the recording studio a lot more than normal and make songs because he couldn’t stand being in the dorm. Woozi almost wanted to kick him out but he can’t say anything different about him because Woozi can’t write any song aside from sad ones. And Dino tried his hard being the best maknae out there, just complimenting and encouraging everybody. He was so strong that the rest of us felt guilty.” 

_____ _

Jun is crying now and maybe he is doing the same too, but Minghao could care less. “And I… I felt like I was dead, ge. I thought I was gonna lose you. I thought you were gonna leave me. If you’ve seen the CCTV camera, how that car crashed into you…literally we thought you were gonna die. Hannie ge almost didn’t want to show the rest the footage, but everyone wanted to anyway. So the whole time you were unconscious, everyone thought the last time we were seeing you alive was the night we had dinner before the day you had your individual photoshoot. Worse thing was Mingyu wasn’t even with us during that dinner and so he spent the whole night crying and saying sorry to _you_ , because he was out with friends instead. Why the fuck did you think he cooked the entire time you were at the hospital?” 

_____ _

Minghao’s eyes blur from the tears but he can’t bring himself to wipe them away. “So stop thinking about yourself, asshole. I’m sure it hurt you for going through that but it also hurt us to know that there was nothing we could do. So if you want to push us away, that’s fine. But be upfront about it, because we sure as hell didn’t waste tears and time worrying for you and praying for you to be okay during your car accident and your sasaeng incident, just for you to treat us this way. I did not pray and beg the gods for you to be okay every single night while watching you sleep, only for you to treat me this way.” 

_____ _

Those last words are the last straw. Jun can only watch Minghao head upstairs to his room as he drops to his knees, helplessly crying. He leans against the kitchen cabinet, swallowing his wails and mutely releasing tears after tears. The cold tiles give him shivers but he welcomes the cold. All this time Jun thought life fucked him up. But only is Jun realizing he also fucked up. Fucked up bigger and better than maybe how the world did him. 

_____ _

The coldness his eyes possessed earlier is long gone but that doesn’t make it any better with how his heart aches in tune with his tears falling down. Minghao is right. Of course he is. 

_____ _

All this time, he only focused on his broken self. Only saw his broken reflection. He did not bother looking around to see whether how the others were holding up. He only looked at the shards of his glass self. He watched the people around him pick up those shards for him, not realizing the people picking up the broken pieces were broken themselves. They were so busy gathering and returning his broken pieces, they lost so much of themselves as well. 

_____ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I may or may not have been carried away with the ending huh. I was thinking if I should prolong the ending or stop at that, and I did. Also, this might be the longest chapter yet: 9796 words, WHAT. I did that?! 
> 
> Once again, feedbacks and comments are welcome. I love you and all please stay safe.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two hearts meet again, in a unique place this time, wherein they are reminded of what they have that nobody can take away from.

The sun is setting as all of them step out of the music showcase building, marking the last day of their promotions. Jun follows the formed line in between Dokyeom and Jeonghan, all of them heading straight for their cars and driving off into the road and back into the company. They arrive in less than an hour with all of them heading to the practice room where they will be meeting the staff to choose a restaurant for a celebratory dinner. 

Jun visibly relaxes once he sees every member safely enter the practice room. Security have been tighter ever since he last saw those women and that was three days ago. It was also three days ago since that night that Minghao confronted and slapped him with the truth. Ever since Jun has been sleeping on a cold bed alone. 

Jun knows what to do and if he was a better man he should have talked to Minghao either that night or the next day. But Jun spent the rest of that night moping, crying, and reflecting on his mistakes and his life in general. The next day, Jun spent the rest of the day texting his parents and Dr. Caville about his unhealthy coping and defensive mechanisms. Dr. Caville commented that he sounded like scorned lover but Jun brushed off the old man’s teasing. Yesterday, Jun only had a total of two hours sleep because of how busy the day was which was why he only spent the available hours of the day talking to Wonwoo in private. 

_”You should apologize,” Wonwoo starts curtly. “That’s what people do when they make a mistake, you know.”_

__

_Jun can only roll his eyes with a defenseless smile. “And how did you know I was the one who made a mistake?”_

__

_”Lucky guess,” Wonwoo quips but he rolls his eyes as well. “Duh? It’s pretty obvious. I heard you two didn’t sleep in the same room after coming from the meeting. And Myungho wouldn’t do anything, not unless you started it.”_

__

_”Yeah, fucked up big time.”_

__

_”So if you know you fucked up big time, what the hell are you waiting for to say sorry?”_

__

_”I’m supposed to do it after the company dinner.”_

__

_”It’s been two days since you two fought, what is taking you so long?”_

__

_”I did some thinking after the fight and then I went to Dr. Caville the day after. Just needed to fix a few things about myself before I actually fix a relationship. I-I mean, a friendship.” The two fall into silence when Jun speaks again, “I’m sorry for being so cold and pushing you guys away.”_

__

_Wonwoo shakes his head. “We don’t need an apology. I expected it. I thought it would last longer, honestly. Apparently, Myungho acted quickly to stop it.”_

__

_“Yeah, he did. I’m thankful too. I needed to hear all that. I…I’ve been selfish. I’ve been thinking about myself too much.”_

__

_“I wouldn’t say you were selfish…maybe just a little side-tracked. It’s normal. You’re only human, Jun-ah. But you aren’t selfish, Moon Junhui can never be selfish.”_

__

_”But I was, Wonu-ah,” Jun says while looking at Minghao conversing with Minghao in the corner of the room. “I didn’t think about what you guys went through when I was gone.”_

__

_Wonwoo falls silent for a moment, understanding dawning on him. He studies Jun’s face, looking baffled and sad yet indicating a sense of knowingness and acceptance. If his guesses are right, Jun surely pushed Minghao away that night. Angered and feeling rejected, Minghao probably poured the anger of his heart out. Not that Minghao is angry at Jun. The feeling of rejection and sadness can take the mask of anger, just because being angry is a lot easier than shedding tears. The two are going through a lot together, but they are only still friends. Wonwoo, for a moment, wonders how they would be if their relationship went deeper._

__

_“So that’s what you two talked about. I mean, that’s what Minghao threw at you. We’re not holding that against you, Jun-ah. We only did what actual brothers do. If it was one of us, I’m sure you’d be doing everything you can to help us get back on our feet because it’s what you do. Just say sorry to him as early as you can, hm?”_

__

_”Of course. I just don’t know if he’ll actually forgive me.”_

__

_Wonwoo snorts, rolling his eyes. “You don’t need to do much, believe me. Just do what you always do and Myungho’s a goner.”_

__

_Jun stares at him in confusion. “W-What do I always do?”_

__

_”Nothing much, honestly,” Wonwoo tells him with a smile. “You just look deep into his eyes or really intensely and all of a sudden he gets putty in your hands. And then the two of you hold hands and just speak quietly as if no one else is in the room.”_

__

_Jun’s ears go warm as he looks away in embarrassment. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”_

__

_Wonwoo laughs at him, finding it funny how Jun and Minghao have no idea what they look like to others when they get lost in each other’s company. He studies Jun, noticing the dim in his eyes that signify loneliness. Looking at him entirely, he can’t help but see the incompleteness; a piece of him is taken away and he is at loss on how to retrieve it._

”Everyone, where do you want to eat dinner? For those who have ideas, please come to me!” Hoshi roars, interrupting all the separate conversations in the room, including Jun’s internal reminiscence of his conversation with his friend. Almost everyone walks towards Hoshi who is standing in the middle of the room, eager to suggest a restaurant, except for Jeonghan who walks towards Jun instead. 

”Jun-ah,” Jeonghan sings his name. “Can you please go get the mop for me? I accidentally spilled my iced Americano.” 

_”Aigoo.”_ ” Jun smirks. “Clumsy Yoon Jeonghan.” 

Jeonghan rolls his eyes. “I know, I know. Let me live. Now will you get the mop for me?” 

”Of course.” Jun turns around to head for the locker room outside when he feels the sudden need to do something. He faces Jeonghan once again, swoops in and pecks his cheek. He receives a stuttered ‘o-oh’ response with a surprised look on his face. 

”What was that for?” Jeonghan asks, palm on his kissed cheek and looking totally pleased. 

”Nothing.” Jun grins sheepishly. “Just wanna tell you’re the best.” 

The angel’s eyebrows raise in suspicion. “The best hyung? Hmm, I like the sound of that. But don’t let Cheollie hear or he’ll sulk and pout at us for days. And Shua will no longer give us extra serving of LA ribs. But…what brought this on? Do I have to spill every iced Americano I have just for you to give hyung a kiss?” 

Jun scrunches his nose. “That’s too many kisses, you drink too much iced Americano, hyung. I still don’t understand how you guys like it so much, it’s too…sad.” 

The elder laughs. “Sad? Well, that’s one way to put it. Don’t let Kwannie hear that or he’ll give you hell.” 

”Oh, right.” You would think one of Seungkwan’s ancestors invented Americano with how he promotes it to others and drinks it so much in one day. “Anyway, don’t worry about me. I just wanna give hyung a kiss, that’s not so bad, is it?” 

”Not at all! Hyung just didn’t see it coming.” Jeonghan then pats his head a couple of times before settling his hand against Jun’s cheek to caress it. “Whatever happened, please fix it?” 

Jun can only nod, not the slightest bit surprised Jeonghan, out of all people, noticed the rift between his relationship with his fellow lead dancer. “Yeah, I have a plan ready. Don’t worry. I needed to hear everything Myungho told me. It was bad, definitely…but it was needed. He keeps me on my toes, Jeonghan hyung. Couldn’t ask for more. I’ll go get your mop now. Whatever your choice of restaurant is, I’ll vote for it, ‘kay? Vote for me, hyung. I’ll be right back.” 

Jeonghan wordlessly watches Jun leave the practice room, not missing the glance he steals from Minghao who is as quiet as Jun whenever both of them separate themselves from each other. They really aren’t themselves when they aren’t on good terms. Jun is aware that Minghao keeps him on his toes, but the eldest members of Seventeen can tell that Jun doesn’t know how much he is needed by Minghao. As he continues taking in the words of the member who unexpectedly gave him a kiss, it is later when he realizes Jun mentioned about a plan to fix things with Minghao. 

”Oh shit,” Jeonghan curses under his breath, horrified as he watches Minghao leave the practice room. He watches Seungkwan and Dino laugh among themselves, sharing a high five as they celebrate their private victory of the plan they formulated last night. 

”What’s wrong, hyung?” Mingyu asks with Wonwoo who is beside him with both of them following the direction his eyes are looking at. 

”Why is it that those two barely get along like proper friends and when they do, it’s only because they made an evil scheme together?” Jeonghan asks, watching the two youngest members laugh and laugh until Dino’s knees give. The maknae lays on the floor, curling on his side and clutching his ribs as points at the door, probably laughing about how they successfully sent Minghao out as part of their scheme. 

”What evil scheme?” Wonwoo asks. 

”Seungkwan and Dino made a plan last night that they’re going to lock Minghao and Jun in the locker room so they’ll be forced to make up,” Jeonghan answers, looking back to last night when he watched Seugkwan and Dino shamelessly formulate several plans last night that will force a reconciliation to be made by Minghao and Jun. 

”Oh my god, hyung,” Mingyu murmurs, watching Dino and Seungkwan laugh like the evil and crazy people they are. 

”Wait, didn’t you just send Jun outside because you spilled an iced Americano?” Wonwoo asks. “Does that mean…”

”There is no spilled iced Americano,” Seungkwan butts in as he and Dino approach them. The youngest’s face is already flushed with laughter but of course he laughs more at Seungkwan’s admittance. 

Mingyu and Wonwoo’s eyes widen as they take a step back away from them in synchronization. “Jeonghan hyung!” 

”Hey, well…I just thought,” Jeonghan rambles on watching the two rappers evidently judge him. “Hey, don’t look at me like that!” 

”Don’t judge Jeonghan hyung,” Dino tells them, a hand on the elder’s shoulder for support. “He just wanted to help.” 

”That’s right,” Seungkwan carries on arrogantly. “You two are their closest friends and the two of you aren’t doing anything!” 

”I talked to Junnie last night,” Wonwoo announces, looking appalled at the existence of the three members before him. 

”So did I!” Mingyu exclaims, looking at Wonwoo and then at the three members that consists of one face slightly guilty and the two faces proud and boastful. “Unlike you guys, we took the mature route!” 

”Oh my god,” Seungkwan groans with a roll of his eyes. “Mature, my fat ass. Our plan is faster and more efficient. They’ll be okay in no time!” 

”If Myungho doesn’t get pissed, sure,” Mingyu retorts. “But who’s gonna lock them inside the locker room?” 

”Dokyeom-ah,” Seungkwan and Dino answer at the same, looking proud with their hands crossed while Jeonghan stands between them who is wearing an expression combined of embarrassment and happiness.  
  


Minghao takes a left that heads to the locker room where the cleaning supplies are since Seungkwan and Dino asked him to fetch a mop because Hoshi accidentally spilled his iced Americano while hyperactively conversing with the other members and staff. He sighs all by himself, wondering what makes Hoshi so excited just making the people suggest and vote about which restaurant they should go for their celebratory dinner. And why is he even drinking coffee at five-thirty in the evening? If Jun sees Hoshi drink that coffee made by the devil himself, he would snort and judge Hoshi for a whole minute. 

Minghao shivers, annoyed at himself for remembering Jun just because of iced Americano. He is supposed to be minding his own business, yet he can’t help wonder where Jeonghan sent Jun after receiving a peck from him. Bitterness is still pooling in his chest as he remembers the touching scene over and over again, hating himself for being jealous over his hyung just because he received a kiss from Jun and he didn’t even receive any word from him since that night. 

However, he is aware that he has no right to put the blame on him. He said things that were uncalled for despite knowing that he was suffering from seeing the sasaengs again. 

He sighs, out of ideas on how to reconcile with him. Good thing Mingyu thought clearly for the both of them when he talked to him yesterday. 

_”You’d think during serious times, you wouldn’t be so savage and straightforward,” Mingyu snorts as both of them lean against the mirror wall side by side._

__

_Minghao resists the need to whine, just glaring at the tall person beside him and then simply looking down at the floor in self-deprecation. “I know, I know. I just…I was so angry and just…”_

__

”Rejected?” 

__

_Minghao’s head snaps up from being directed at the floor, taken aback by the suggestion of such term. “What?”_

__

_Mingyu sends him a sympathetic smile, so genuine Minghao almost feels patronized. “You felt rejected because he you pushed away. You felt that he didn’t need you that night and it sucked because you were so occupied on taking care of him and being there for him.”_

__

_A sense of vulnerability strips Minghao’s guarded heart bare, feeling extremely exposed at his friend’s words of honesty. He exhales, knowing that there is no use on hiding the truth to others or denying the truth to himself. “Yeah. I was okay with him needing me, you know? More than okay, actually. And then pushing me away like that and seeing him be cold to everyone annoyed it me, but I guess I wasn’t really annoyed. I truly just felt rejected…oh my god, what the fuck am I saying?”_

__

_Mingyu laughs at Minghao looking uncomfortable on bearing his feelings and thoughts. Minghao glares at him. “Wow, I’m glad this is entertaining for you.”_

__

_”Sorry. It’s just…it’s refreshing to see you like this. Honest and vulnerable. You’ve been really strong for Jun hyung, you forgot you needed rest too and so you couldn’t help but just scream everything to him. I mean, don’t get me wrong, you could have said all those things in a better way but I feel like the two of you needed that conversation to happen. It sucks going through that moment and it surely hurt the both of you, but it’s only a matter of time before the two of you need to be honest to each other. And honesty isn’t always beautiful.”_

__

_”Yeah,” Minghao agrees quietly, not meeting Mingyu’s eyes and staring at the floor, deep in thought. “It’s ugly and painful. At that moment, I just wasn’t thinking. All I wanted was for him to understand that he shouldn’t push us away, but I feel like I just made him push us away more.”_

__

_Mingyu pushes him slightly by the shoulder. “Nah. Give Jun hyung more credit. He’s not like that. He takes in everything he hears from us because our words matter to him. He also needed to hear that you know? To be honest, when he became slightly cold during the meeting, I thought you were gonna give him space….because you know, you’re so understanding. I didn’t realize you would snap at him, but I won’t be the one to blame you. It needed to happen. You guys can’t always be happy together.”_

__

_”But it was bad timing, Mingyu,” Minghao stresses agitatedly. “He saw the people that caused him panic attacks and I just literally told him off, as if he had no right to ask for space and time. Fuck, how am I gonna fix this?”_

__

_Mingyu rolls his eyes, and grabs the upset boy by the shoulders to face him. “Listen to me. The two of you made mistakes. He was pushing us away – understandingly, even a good soul gets tired as well – and you were having none of it, because you felt rejected – which you weren’t – and you knew none of us deserve the cold shoulder. Yes, you could have chosen the right time to say what you feel with better words, but at that moment, that’s what you felt and you deserve to tell about your feelings for what it truly is. And Jun hyung also deserved to hear that, just so he realizes that we do more than just being by his side and protecting him. He needed to hear that we are willing to do great lengths for him. He needed a wake-up call that it’s our choice to stay with him, no one is forcing us. And I am sure he is not mad at that, when have we seen Moon Junhui mad? Never. But do you still need to apologize? Yes. Does he need to apologize? Yes. Now stop sulking, you’re worse than Seungkwan when manager hyung forgot to buy him iced Americano once.”_

__

_He gives Minghao one last shake for good measure before releasing him, studying Minghao’s face who is just blinking at him. “You just spitted at my face, like, three times.”_

__

_Mingyu lowers himself to meet eye level with the lead dancer. “And I just said what you needed to hear. So say thank you.”_

__

_”Yeah, thank you,” Minghao gives in with a sad smile. Mingyu can only smile back at him in sympathy, seeing his close friend look _incomplete_ just because he isn’t on good terms with a certain somebody. _

__

_”How are you going to talk to Jun hyung?”_

__

_”I have a plan. After the celebratory dinner,” Minghao informs him, looking equally nervous and excited on his formulated plan. “Let’s just hope he listens to me and forgives me.”_

__

_Mingyu smirks. “Trust me, you don’t have to do much to earn Moon Junhui’s forgiveness. You just need to do what you always do and he’ll forgive you.”_

__

_”Do what? What do I always do?”_

__

_”You grab his hand and just look into his eyes, and literally, Moon Junhui freezes as if you hypnotized him or something…it’s a little bit sickening, to be honest. But no one has ever said that out loud, so either it’s just me or everyone else are just being good friends by keeping their mouths shut.”_

__

_Minghao wills down the blush rising to his cheeks and to his ears and silently thumps Mingyu’s head with his fist._

He breaks himself out of his own deep thought as he spots the locker room close. He notices the door is open, which is why he comfortably walks inside directly and starts to look for the mop. Quickly, he stops in his tracks when a slender and tall physique stands before him with his back faced to Minghao. The man senses his presence and upon turning around, Minghao can only hear his heart stop and then beat with slow, several thumps. 

Jun stands in front of him, looking over his shoulder and eventually turning around when he sees him. Minghao quickly notes how contrasting the boy is, surrounded by dull-colored cleaning supplies shelved in racks. He still looks effortlessly good-looking despite wearing clothes that Minghao would describe as ‘basic’ and ‘normal’. His white long sleeved top, basic grey bomber jacket, black tailored pants, and pair of sneakers scream ‘Moon Junhui’ so loudly that the distance between them in the small room irks him. His hand even twitches, muscle memory almost sending him to fix the bomber jacket so that it warms him properly as he has gotten so used to ensuring the elder’s clothes are at least keeping him from being sick, if not chic. 

”Oh…uhm…” Jun finds his voice first, words uttered stutteringly. “I was just about to get a mop, uh…”

”For Hoshi ge’s spilled coffee?” Minghao finishes for him. “I was about to get the mop for him too.” 

”Hoshi?” Jun tilts his head to the side. “No, no. For Jeonghan ge. He spilled his iced Americano.” 

Minghao laughs awkwardly, slightly sweating at the awkwardness in the room. “Yeah, clumsy brothers we have.” He lets himself in, eyes scanning everywhere except at the most beautiful object in the room. “So, uhm…have you seen the mop?” 

”To be honest, I haven’t yet. Uh…help me look for it?” Jun’s voice lowers down a couple notches by his last words, knowing he isn’t at the position to ask for help at the moment. 

”Sure!” Minghao answers loudly, too loudly and enthusiastically, in hopes of lessening the awkwardness in the room. Both of them look around and refuse to meet each other’s eyes, their heads turning left and right, up and down, until their shoulders bump each other and they both jump at the sudden contact. 

They both exclaim their apologies in embarrassment at each other and continue their respective missions on finding that damned, seemingly lost, cleaning device. The room is stocked with complete cleaning equipment: vacuum cleaners, all-purpose detergents, floor and glass cleaners, bunch of rugs and cloths, handheld scrubs, brooms, and buckets. But not a single mop in sight. 

”I-I don’t see it,” Jun decides to speak waringly, wanting to start a conversation because he is aware they both look foolish. 

”Me neither,” Minghao clears his throat. “Should you continue looking here and I go to the other locker room?” 

”No!” Jun blurts out, turning around the same time with Minghao. “Uh…let’s look together.” 

”Huh? Oh, sure, sure, let’s look…together,” Minghao mumbles and heads for the door, when his hand is grabbed and tugged from behind. 

”Haohao,” Jun whispers, the name from his lips spoken so softly as if he spoke of a forbidden word. “I don’t think we can find the mop if we’re like this.” 

His hand is released gently and Minghao can only stare at invisible loss of warmth around his wrist that he has been feeling for days. He nods. “Yeah, I can’t believe there’s no mop here. Let’s look in the other locker room.” 

He walks away, understanding he’s supposed to respond at the elder’s last sentence but can’t bring himself to do. Anyway, his plan for tonight is all laid out, he can say everything he wants to tonight as planned. Clearly, meeting him at a locker room is not part of the plan. He wants to apologize, hold his hands and just get lost in a hug, but he can’t because the words fall back to his mind and he can’t bring himself to speak. If the presence of Jun is making him, then Minghao doesn’t want to be strong. 

His hand holds the doorknob and turns it with the thought the door would swing open as expected, but he hears a click instead; the distinctive sound of a locked door trying to be opened. Minghao freezes and tries again and again while feeling Jun brushing his side from behind. 

”What is it?” Jun asks, looking over Minghao’s shoulder. “It’s locked?” 

”Y-Yeah,” Minghao murmurs in disbelief. “I-I…I don’t know how that happened, how is it locked I literally got here with the door opened…”

”The door was open when I got here too,” Jun tells him with finality. “I walked straight into the room when I got here.” 

Minghao turns around, eyes blinking in doubt. “It was already open?” 

”Yeah,” Jun answers. “The lights were even on. Is the door broken? Do we have bust it down?” Jun steps forward, stupidly trying to open the door and then peering at the small gap between the door and the wall to closely see if it’s locked. 

”Wait, let me call the others.” Minghao pats his jean pockets and realizes he does not have his phone with him. “Oh my god, I don’t have my phone with me. I left it in my bag.” 

”I left my phone charging in the practice room, dammit,” Jun curses. ”There’s no way we can see if it’s broken from here. So I guess we have to bust it down,” Jun tells him with a sigh. The turn of events are becoming too unexpected and superficial, it’s almost comical if only they aren’t locked at the moment. 

”Don’t use your shoulders, please,” Minghao tells him all of a sudden. “Woozi did that when we filmed at a haunted house, remember? Nothing happened.” 

”Yeah, because this isn’t a movie,” Jun recalls. Suddenly, an idea pops in his head. “Do you have a card? Or like a safety pin? Or just something that can get through?” 

”Will that even work?” Minghao asks, patting his pockets front and back. 

Jun shrugs his shoulders. “Maybe. But it’s a worth a try.” 

Minghao pulls out a smiley face brooch pin from his right pocket, thanking the heavens but at the same time doubting that it would work. He hands the brooch to Jun and watches the elder trying to pick the lock. 

”Where did you even learn this?” 

”TikTok.” 

Minghao watches Jun try to pick the lock. The elder is on his knees looking incredibly immersed with unlocking the door. He licks his lips a few times while glaring at the door and bites his lips after. Minghao shakes himself out of daze and pulls his stare away from Jun’s face. 

Jun lets out a sigh and looks at him, his eyes looking dark at the dim-lit room. “Maybe that TikTok video was fake.” 

”Nah, I watched a video way back. I think you need to try several times before getting it right. Let me try.” Minghao replaces Jun on the floor to try to pick the lock.

”Anyway, if we can’t open the door, the others will come and get us,” Jun says behind him. “God, why did Jeonghan ge and Hoshi have to spill their coffee?” 

”Tell me about it,” Minghao mutters and looks at him for a slight second. “You okay?” 

”Hm? Of course, I’m okay. Don’t worry about me,” Jun laughs off and sits down on the floor, not too near from Minghao. “You worry too much about me. Always.” He doesn’t expect himself to utter those words, but they come out low and meek anyway. 

Minghao doesn’t answer immediately, but when he answers he refuses to meet eyes with him. “Because I can’t help it. You always make me check if you’re doing fine.” 

”Yeah. I’m sorry about that.” 

”You don’t have to say sorry,” Minghao replies. “It’s my choice to always take care of you. And I’m the one who has to say sorry.” 

Minghao finally looks at Jun to which he shakes his head at the statement. “No, no. You shouldn’t apologize. Minghao, look at me. Please. I shouldn’t be doing this here, but I might as well since we’re locked inside a room full of cleaning equipment. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have been cold and distant. I shouldn’t have pushed you guys away, after everything…everything you all did for me. I shouldn’t have to hear your words just for me to know that. I wish I had proper excuses but I don’t, honestly. That time, I was just so angry at those fans, shit, they shouldn’t even be called that. But I wanted to protect myself, but more so protect you guys. There is no way, and I mean no way I am letting those girls near you. I was angry at everything that I became ungrateful. I fucked up big time and you can’t forgive me that easily, but at least let me work for that forgiveness. Please?” 

Minghao can’t believe what he is hearing so he fall silent, repeating all those words in his head while refusing to meet Jun’s stare. The stare on him is magnetic that he badly wants to look back into Jun’s eyes and once again get lost in his stare. Unsurprisingly, he loses to that magnetic stare. He turns his head to face Jun and looks at him properly, straight into his eyes since the night they fought. Jun’s eyes look dim due to the lights that aren’t as bright, but Minghao can’t help but think that there is another reason of the lack of brightness in his eyes . 

He can’t help but ask. “Then why are you only talking to me now?”

His voice doesn’t hold heat that indicate anger or indignation. It only holds pure inquisitiveness, just wanting to know why it took him three days to come to him. Not that he didn’t take three days to also make a plan. 

”I feel like I shouldn’t apologize before correcting my wrongs. I talked to Mom and Dad and received a long scolding. I also talked to Dr. Caville. He teased me for it, but said some things that I needed to hear. And then I talked to Wonwoo. I did some reflection…I don’t know if it’s a proper excuse but I just needed to think straight before coming to you to ask for forgiveness. I’m sorry, Minghao. I really am. I shouldn’t have been so selfish. I shouldn’t have only thought about myself. It wasn’t my intention, but that’s how it happened and I want to change that. Just give me a chance, please.” 

Jun wants to hold his hand, just so Minghao could feel his truthfulness and how genuine his words are. But he keeps his distance. He doesn’t have the right to hold the younger’s hand at that moment. He continues, “I’m sorry that I took so long to talk to you. I should have gone to you that night, but I just couldn’t…I needed to think about everything you said. I don’t want to make promise, but I’ll show you I won’t push you away. All of you deserve none of that. Just give me a chance.” 

Minghao studies Jun’s face, badly wanting to hold it in his palms and just bring it close to him. He finds it a little incredible, how Jun is asking for a chance to prove himself worthy of his forgiveness, as if he needs to work hard for it. But he will not bother lying to himself, hearing those words feel give him a sense of security, knowing the elder is willing to work hard for him as much he also wants to work for his forgiveness. It’s also unbelievable to hear him apologize. But then again, Jun’s pure soul gives him the courage to be humble and down-to-earth. 

”I’ll forgive you, if you also forgive me,” Minghao proclaims. “I would also like to say sorry. I could have given you space that night, I could have understood that you wanted to be alone. I keep telling myself I got angry because you kept rejecting other people’s help, but I need to admit to myself that I got angry because I didn’t want you to reject me. Because…because I felt rejected. Yeah, that’s that. I never thought you to be ungrateful or selfish. Not at all. But at that moment, I hated it when you were pushing us all away. I could have told you that properly, but I started the fight. So, for that I’m sorry.”

Jun stares at Minghao’s face, the younger’s fallen expression causing unhappiness in his chest. There is a frown smeared on his face, emotions honest in his eyes. Jun wants to wipe it off immediately, so he smiles at the younger. “I honestly don’t think you should apologize to me, but I know you won’t back down from this. So I forgive you, only if you forgive me.” 

Minghao can’t help but look startled at how easy it is to ask for forgiveness, but chuckles anyway, finding it funny that they are apologizing to each other but rejecting it each other’s apology because they don’t think it is needed. “I do, ge. I forgive you.” 

Warmth encases Jun’s heart, like a gentle bonfire calmly radiating heat in his cold heart. He doesn’t miss the way it skips a beat upon the way he is addressed. “I missed hearing you call me that.” 

”Hm?” Minghao asks. “Ge? You missed that, huh? That’s fair, we didn’t speak a word to each other for three days.” 

”Yeah, we didn’t,” Jun recalls with a melancholic smile. “I can’t believe it took us three days to apologize to each other but apologizing didn’t even last an hour. Minghao, we need to do better than this.” 

Minghao laughs a little bit, but he can’t help but sneer at the manner of being addressed. “I told you I hate it when you call me that.” 

Jun’s eyes grow in size, his head adorably tilted to the size with a cute, “Hm? Oh!” He giggles, upper body vibrating as he sits straighter on the floor. “My Haohao, I missed you.” 

” _Your_ Haohao?” Minghao hums. “Oh yeah?” He scooches closer to Jun, closing off the distance they had earlier and having their knees touch.

Jun feels his confidence slightly diminish, but he musters the remaining self-esteem and leans forward. Their faces get closer, but not enough for their noses to touch. “Yes. Mine. But don’t worry, I’ll work for you to be mine.” 

Minghao feels giggles threating to crawl out of his chest, but he clamps his mouth shut before calmly asking, “And how will you work for it?” 

A surge of confidence swoops through Jun’s spirit and he finds himself depending on his instincts. It doesn’t take much before their noses touch. If one of them gets closer with his face tilted to the side, what will happen will be very different from nose-touching. However, it seems like something is still holding the two of them back which is why Jun chooses to stay consistent with feeling their noses touch instead. Their faces are so close to each other, they can see each other’s thick eyelashes. The proximity holds almost no distance, aside from the distance between their lips, but they remain satisfied with watching in silence the light in each other’s eyes gradually come back to life. 

”None of this is…normal,” Jun whispers. Their foreheads touch and both of them close their eyes, reveling in the contact and heat. “But it doesn’t matter, does it? You don’t care, right?” 

”I am the least person on earth that would care if this doesn’t look normal to others,” Minghao breathes out. “I’ve always said I want to live my life the way I want to. And this, this is how I want to live my life. With you.” 

”Whatever that means. Whatever that entails,” Jun finishes for him softly. “This is how I’ll live my life too.” 

And so they sit on the compacted locker room, crowded by cleaning equipment and the scent of detergent. However, their senses can barely acknowledge the presence of stuffy air and chemical fragrance. Jun straightens his back, getting on his knees and wrapping his arms around Minghao. His fingers comb through the younger’s hair, burying his face in his neck. The hold around him is immediately returned. Minghao wraps his arms around Jun’s waist, pulling him closer and eventually pulling him on his lap. 

They settle into the position they never got into before; Jun straddling Minghao’s lap with the latter sighing in gratification as Jun cradles the back of his head. Wordlessly, Jun combs his hair, breathing in the faint scent of his coconut shampoo. Minghao finds him snuggling into Jun’s neck, inhaling the lightweight scent of his cologne. 

Their bodies fit with each other perfectly, exchanging warmth and solace. At that very moment, the energy of the building filled with talented and active individuals does not hold a candle to their synergy – brewing and turning into something powerful. Something all-encompassing. It sounds dangerous, but they want more. They need more. The synergy at the moment remains unidentified, but they embrace it anyway for it is what they are meant for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I reallllly wanted to finish this chapter before school starts. Please look forward to the next chapter. Also, the US debut of the boys have been really going great and I just can't wait to see more.
> 
> I also have another SVT fanfiction in the works, can't wait for you guys to see that. In the meantime, please continue to support Keep Your Eyes Open. Of course, I can't help but feature Mingyu and Wonwoo, because we love our boys being good friends/love gurus. Keep the comments coming, they just make my day and I appreciate all of it. I love you all so much!


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reconciliations in closets ascend to much more heated touches.

It took a total of ten minutes after their reconciliation for Minghao to spot a sole key hung by the shelf near the door. The key is attached to a ring that is hanging by a hook plastered on the wall. It’s almost impossible to see it, unless you stand beside the door and face the shelf at a specific angle. The only reason why Minghao was able to see the key is because Jun, sitting on his lap, makes the both of them move to the wall for Minghao to comfortably lean against. Minghao did all the work, considering the elder was giggling on his lap the whole time with his hands around his neck, but he had no complaints as the elder laughed in his arms while brushing the tip of his nose against his neck as they sway back and forth in silence. 

Only when Minghao pulled away from Jun’s neck and raised his head to push his messy hair back did he notice the glimmer of the key, steel reflecting against the light. His photograph and drawing-loving eye quickly caught its contrast among the blue bottles of mirror and floor spray cleaners. When he took the key and slid it in for the sake of trying, the door clicked open. 

Jun is currently holding his arm, stopping the younger with him as things start to fall in place. “Why would the key be here?” 

Minghao quickly grasps the idea formulating in Jun’s head. “And it was placed in a way as if I would be able to see where it is. Wait a minute…what did Jeonghan ge tell you?” 

”That he spilled his coffee.” Jun’s eyes widen. “Wait a minute…he never spills his coffee!” 

”Yeah, I was weirded out by that when you first told me,” Minghao comments, arranging his thoughts calculatingly. “And the chances of him and Hoshi ge spilling their coffees at the same time is so slim! The other boy’s clumsy but not Jeonghan ge!” 

”Do you think…” Jun trails off. “No, that’s crazy. They’re crazy if they actually planned all this!” 

”But they are crazy,” Minghao airs dryly. “It was Seungkwan and Dino who asked me to get the mop. Come to think of it, why the hell would they ask me to get a mop if a coffee actually spilled, both of them are the youngest, they should get the mop!” 

Jun can’t help but giggle. “You’re too kind to the kids.” 

”Right. Those brats.” 

Jun nudges him with a shoulder. “Hey, they just wanted to help. It’s not the best plan, but it was foolproof. I mean, they even left a key for us there and good thing you saw it or we would never get out. Besides, their plan worked. Too quickly, actually.” 

”Three days is a long time, gege,” Minghao glares annoyingly. “It took us three days before we talk to each other again because they locked us inside a locker room. It’s a little dumb, if you ask me.” 

Jun nods, chuckling. “Oh, yeah, it is a dumb. I really planned to talk to you tonight, but those little shits beat me to it. Not to mention Yoon Jeonghan decided to take part in the plan as well.” 

”I also wanted to talk to you tonight.” Minghao shakes his head. “I had everything planned and those brats…”

Jun can’t help himself but pinch Minghao’s cheek. Both of them are still by the doorway of the locker room, but they barely care as they don’t realize how lost they are in their own world. “Aww, were you planning to give me flowers? Chocolates? Teddy bear?” 

”Those sound cliché…except for the flowers.” Minghao eyes Jun’s face cautiously, concerned if he said the wrong thing. “W-Why, do you like receiving those kind of stuff? I mean, they’re cliché to me but it’s you who likes them so what I think doesn’t matter.” 

Minghao’s head start to spin, questioning whirling in his brain as he realizes he said something that will never be be uttered by somebody in a relationship. Calling teddy bears and chocolates cliché, seriously? Truly speaking, Minghao doesn’t see the appeal behind those gifts. He thinks they’re too…normal. It is easy to see that he isn’t the romantic type. He doesn’t do relationships. He might not want to identify what he feels for Jun, but he acknowledges it all the same. He embraces what he feels for the elder. And so if Jun wants those kind of things as a gift, he will gladly give them to him. No matter how no normal they are, compared to Jun who is extraordinary and special. 

Jun blinks, head tilted to the side as he tries to formulate a proper answer. Jun knows that Minghao thinks he isn’t romantic type. Minghao directly acts and speaks; there are no twists and turns in his personality. Minghao is honest, firm, and straightforward. And he loves Minghao for that. He doesn’t need a grand gesture from the younger to measure the truthfulness of his words. 

”You don’t have to give me things like that, if that’s what you’re asking,” Jun explains. “Those stuff…they aren’t the best indicators of what we feel. I think teddy bears are cute and I love chocolates, but I don’t need them to know how you feel.” 

Jun wraps his arm around him despite being well-aware they are outside the privacy of a practice room. The other members are more affectionate to each other than they are with each other. With how long they’ve been staying in the company, no one bats an eye if they see a member of their group give a kiss to another member’s cheek. If anything, it’s a lot weirder for outsiders to not see the members of SEVENTEEN not touch each other. It is how they’ve always been. And as he and Minghao take another step deeper than platonic touches, he is not about to stop now. 

”Let’s get back to where the others, how ‘bout that?” 

Minghao tuts. “Sure. I’m gonna kick two people in the ass. Actually three. To hell with seniority.” Jun laughs, imagining Minghao actually kick their asses. It reminded him of when Seungkwan strangled Jeonghan by the neck.

They open the door of the practice room and is welcomed by silence and emptiness. Not a single person is in the room. The room is clean as how they always leave it after using it for the entire day. Chairs are stacked on top of each other and bass speakers, guitars, and the keyboard piano are neatly set aside. 

”Don’t tell me they actually left us?” Jun asks while finding a hard time believing the sight in front of him. “Wait, how could they leave us, they were the one who locked us there!”

”I’m gonna kill them,” Minghao taunts. “I am officially killing those two brats. And I won’t kill Jeonghan ge, but I am kicking him in the ass. Even you can’t stop me. Where the hell did they put our things?” 

On a table beside the keyboard piano lays two bags, one that belongs to Jun and the other to Minghao with both of their cellphones on the same location. Jun holds Minghao’s shoulder from behind, and almost immediately feel him relax. He then hugs him from behind, chin resting on the younger’s right shoulder. He clasps his hands together against Minghao’s flat abdomen and feels the younger’s hands enclose his, making him smile. 

”Calm down,” he mumbles against Minghao’s teal blue windbreaker jacket. “They mean well, you know that. Jeonghan ge and those kids wanted to do something because they know we shouldn’t fight. It took us three days, surely Jeonghan ge waited for us to do something before he and the brats made a plan. Let’s let it pass, hm?” 

”I know, I know,” Minghao replies. “I’m just annoyed. I…I had a plan for tonight and now I can’t do it.” 

”I did too,” Jun sighs. “But we can still do those plans! I mean, I don’t know about your plan but we can surely do mine tonight. Now, let’s text one of the members and find out where they went for dinner. I’m hungry.” 

He detaches himself from Minghao and walks away to the get their things on the table when the younger grabs his hand with no warning. They walk together to the table to fetch their bags and phones with both of them fighting off the silly smiles on their faces. 

Jun texts Wonwoo to ask where they headed for dinner before sending an additional message: _’if you helped plan the escape room game we were just in, i might tell minghao to kill you and mingyu for me. and those kids too. and yoon jeonghan, especially’._

In twenty-five minutes they reach the restaurant where they were directed to a VIP room. Several staff members welcome them with obnoxious greetings, some already tipsy and the others simply joining in on the fun. The rest of the members are on the left side of the room, taking up the entire space of the left side with two long tables catering them. 

The newly arrived pair instantly notices the people on their wanted list are sitting beside each other, with Seungkwan being on the lookout. He sees them first and comically points at their direction, notifying the fellow guilty people. 

”What took you guys so long?” Seungcheol asks but laughs obnoxiously. 

”Oh, we don’t know,” Minghao feigns innocence. “We just decided to play a game of escape room.” 

All the members laugh openly, aside from the guilty who are busy stuffing their mouths with meat. The other members seem to be aware of what they’ve been through, laughing at the idea of the two of them stuck in a locker room full of cleaning equipment. However, what makes them smile is the sight of Jun comfortably attached to Minghao’s side, his arm hanging by his shoulders. They touch each other so much every single day, it was awkward and unsettling to see the two of them not talk to each other, let alone not have physical contact at all. 

”We saved you some of the food. Anyway, the food will surely keep coming so have a seat you two,” Mingyu signals for them take the available seats near him and Wonwoo. The pair heads to the chairs and starts eating, while Minghao glares at the boys sitting at the other end of the table. 

”Myungho, if looks could kill…” Wonwoo stops talking to release a laugh he is unable to control. 

”Those guys aren’t breathing anymore,” Mingyu finishes for his friend while not bothering to hide the laugh at the guilty people who are still not acknowledging the newest arrivals. 

”You two had nothing to do with it?” Jun squints his eyes in suspicion. Honestly speaking, he isn’t really mad at the evil schemers. Of course, everything would have gone smoothly if they didn’t get in the way with what he had planned for tonight, but he can’t help but feel thankful at the intervention. It feels nice to eat comfortably, to eat beside his Haohao, specifically. 

The days where they ignored each other’s existence made it hard for him to chew and swallow meals comfortably. The food didn’t taste as delicious, and that is saying something since all they mostly had was take out from their favorite restaurant throughout their comeback. Every bite he took within those three days didn’t make him happy, even if it was his favorite Chinese stir fry dish or the Chinese dumplings he always craved for. To be eating meat with Minghao by his side takes away the foulness in his palette and encourages him all the more to take a bite. 

The two rappers shake their head rapidly. “Not at all,” Mingyu rushes out, spitting out some of the rice he is chewing. “Myungho-ah, you and I talked. I wouldn’t you know…”

”Ruin my plan?” Minghao offers nonchalantly, playing with his chopsticks. “Yeah, I get it. Anyway, Jun ge and I are alright now and it’s just all that matters. So, let’s eat?” 

Jun, Mingyu, and Wonwoo study Minghao, his face slightly serious with his lips pouting the slightest bit. It takes Jun seconds to realize what the younger truly is mad about. Well, annoyed about. An angry Minghao is a different story and look altogether. 

He pokes his side and throws him a smile. “Don’t get irritated at them anymore. You shouldn’t wear a sad or angry face while eating. That’s bad.” 

Mingyu sighs, eyeing Wonwoo and sending him a knowing look. It’s pretty obvious that they know both of them made plans for reconciliation. And knowing Minghao, it’s probably a lot grander (but not extravagant) compared to Jun’s plan that would scream him: comfortable, cozy, and warm. 

If there’s anything Minghao hates is that when things don’t work out as planned. 

Minghao sighs and starts eating, yet Jun is already at his fifth bite of grilled meat. “I’ll try. You know how I am…this won’t last long.” Jun smiles at him in contentment, putting some grilled meat on Minghao’s plate. 

Wonwoo and Mingyu look at Seungkwan who is looking at them inquisitively at the other end of the table. They shake their heads simultaneously at him warningly. Seungkwan’s eyes widen and stretch his neck and spots Minghao looking serious while eating. 

”Is he mad?” he mouths. 

Mingyu and Wonwoo nod simultaneously once again and share a laugh when the vocalist’s face snaps to the left to report to his fellow guilty friends on a friend they just made angry. The rest of the guilty follows with looking at them questioningly. The two bring their fingers and rock it back and forth in the air, the loud but silent signal that only petty brothers would do when they want to tell their other siblings a message: _you guys fucked up._

The dinner continues with rambunctious laughter and colorful conversations. Jun laughs at everything laughable in his seat, completely clueless that his laughter is enough to balm Minghao’s heart. From time to time, Jun would stop and look at him to check how he is doing, which makes his heart flutter more. “How are you feeling, Haohao?” 

He looks at Jun whose eyes are twinkling and lips stretched into a smile. His body is vibrating in happiness with his feet bouncing on its toes happily. Sauce is smeared below his lower lip and on his chin, causing him to laugh. He takes a tissue and wipes the red colored sauce off, trying not to grin when he sees Jun jump slightly in surprise and blush all in a matter of seconds. He successfully resists the urge to smile, but cannot help but feel smug. _Glad to know I have that effect on you too,_ he internally says. 

”I’m okay now, ge,” Minghao answers quietly, itching to draw how Jun looks right now. His face is bare of makeup, hair is undone and covering his forehead, and simply looking contented and happy. 

”Don’t give them a stink eye later, okay?” Jun asks and pouts when he doesn’t answer. “Haohao, I know the day didn’t go as planned, but they had good intentions. They were probably just sick of seeing the two of us so awkward with each other. They wanted us to fix things and well, we wanted to, but they just beat us to it. But at the end of the day, the end justified the means. Please forgive them?” 

”You’re too good,” Minghao whispers the same time as when Mingyu jumped and screamed together with Dokyeom because of a joke that was unexpectedly funny. 

”What did you say?’ Jun asks, peering down to hear what the younger said. “How are they so loud and drunk already? What were you saying, Haohao?”

Minghao sighs, humbled and enamored by the elder’s good soul. As a calm and composed person, he doesn’t know how to get angry. But he does get annoyed when things don’t go his way. But what sets Jun on a brighter light is how the elder always sees the good in people and in things. He often feels burdened, embarrassed, and quiet, but his goodness speaks louder than anything. Minghao knows that if he needs to be selfish one day and for the rest of his life, Jun is the only person he will never let go. He needs the elder to keep him grounded; to show him the true beauty of life. The true beauty of life can only be seen in the soul. And Jun’s soul has it. He shakes his head at the elder, smiling at him and brushing his hair back that is covering his forehead just to create contact. 

Dinner finishes on a good note with everyone waving at each other goodbye. The staff leaves the VIP room first, aside from the manager hyungs who will be driving the members home. Minghao hasn’t talked to the guilty people yet, but he no longer feels resentment. All he is looking forward to now is Jun’s plan that they can still apparently do despite the mischief intervention of their other members. 

”Myungho-yah!” Dokyeom sings his name. Minghao turns around and sees Dokyeom’s flushed face from the alcohol grinning at him while his arms hang around Seungkwan and Dino’s shoulders. “We want to say sorry for the escape room game. But these kids also want to say they’re still happy they fooled you.”

The last sentence clearly isn’t meant to be said, judging by how Dino’s eyes widen and Seungkwan’s hand cover Dokyeom’s mouth. The two of the youngest members guiltily grin at him, hoping their smiles can erase Minghao’s resentment against them. As he looks at the sight, he doesn’t notice Jeonghan walking up to him. 

”Myungho-yah, are you mad at us?” Jeonghan asks sheepishly as he slides an arm around his waist. “Even Jun-ah’s not mad at us.”

Minghao focuses on Jeonghan, Seungkwan, and Dino looking at him, the three of them well-aware that he is no longer mad or irritated. Dokyeom has his head resting against Dino with his eyes droopy. He can say the truth that he isn’t angry at them or he can say the truth while making the three of them feel guilty. Then, the three would be at his and Jun’s beck and call for at least a week to make up for their guilt. 

”Hmm,” he hums, looking down and blatantly refusing to meet Jeonghan’s apologetic eyes. “I wasn’t mad. Just annoyed, but not anymore. I was just upset. I had a plan to talk to Jun hyung and he also had a plan to fix things with me tonight, but you guys ruined it by locking us in a locker room.” 

Sounds of disapproval erupt from the other members with Mingyu and Wonwoo laughing out loud at the fabricated expression Minghao is wearing. Jun stands not far from him with a smile of astonishment, clearly shocked yet able to see through his façade. 

”Hyung, I can’t believe you allowed this to happen!” Woozi exaggeratedly reacts. “They had a plan after all, oh no!” 

”Yah, Yoon Jeonghan!” Joshua calls out with a reprimanding look, apart from the teasing glint in his eyes. These moments remind Minghao how the elder can be a devil if he wants too. “Lee Dokyeom, Boo Seungkwan, Lee Chan! What did you guys do!” 

The two youngest members become frozen, both of them still holding up a drunk and laughing Dokyeom as their jaws drop to the ground. Yoon Jeonghan does the same, holding Minghao tighter by the waist, looking immediately apologetic. 

”It’s okay,” Minghao pouts. “We made up in the locker room. But still, we had everything planned. Can you imagine how amazing it would be if we made up because of our plans?” 

”Myungho…” Jeonghan trails off. “We just…”

There are many times that Yoon Jeonghan runs out of words to say, but being one of the oldest brothers required him to never run of words, strength, and energy. And so over the years, no matter how awkward, difficult, draining, and shocking a situation is, he always knows what to say. And if he doesn’t, he always knows what to do. He has always been capable of adjusting to situations, responding to problems and solving them. As an older brother, he almost always knows what to do. He and Joshua do a great job at making things easier for Seungcheol. Surely, there are the leader does that they can’t do but the lack of position does not stand as an obstacle for them to do their responsibilities as the oldest ones in the group. 

He thought the plan by Seungkwan, Dino, and Dokyeom was funny. He was thrilled at pranking the two. But most of all, he thought it was for the good. They’ve always pranked each other before, so nothing really occurred to Jeonghan that the plan was a bad idea. In his mind, it was hitting to birds with one stop: being entertained while forcing Minghao and Jun to make up. 

For three days, they were walking on eggshells at the obvious gap between the two. Joshua, Seungcheol, and Jeonghan agreed on the first day that they would let the two fix their friendship on their own. Joshua proposed the idea of letting them make up by themselves, and Seungcheol approved. Seeing as he was the only one who didn’t agree wholeheartedly, Jeonghan simply went on with the decision. The three of them informed the rest of the members and they agreed immediately, which made Jeonghan trust the decision of his fellow oldest members even more. 

On the second day, Seungkwan vented his irritation to Jeonghan when he witnessed the rough patch of the friendship of the pair. They had to practice the songs made by Woozi to check if they were worth considering to be on their future album. Woozi was discussing another song with the Vocal and Hip-hop unit, which left Seungkwan to assist the Performance unit. It wasn’t supposed to be serious, the day was simply about trying new songs. They weren’t supposed to think about the entire activity as they’ve been doing it for so long. The practice started smoothly, until Jun and Minghao refused to stand beside each other inside the recording booth. At first, Seungkwan was the understanding member and brother. 

But the tension was so thick inside the recording booth that they weren’t able to produce the proper mood and feel of the song. That was when Seungkwan’s patience started wearing thin. His sassy pants was on him at that moment with his mouth open to holler at the two members, when Hoshi gave him a warning look through the mirror of the recording booth. 

Seungkwan told the Performance unit to take a break and watched Jun and Minghao bump each other’s shoulders as they both rushed to leave the recording booth and escape the studio. Hoshi was surprisingly quiet, which the vocalist wasn’t afraid to point out. The leader of the performance unit then went on saying he would scold the two of them himself if they were at process of actually producing an album or a song. Hoshi went on saying the two needed space and he felt like he needed to respect that, not to mention Jun was distancing himself from everyone else after his second meeting with the sasaengs. 

That cut the practice short which left Seungkwan with Dino, who looked at him in the eyes and said, “This can’t go on. We need to do something about this.” And Seungkwan agreed firmly, knowing someone needs to step in and do something. They went to the member who they knew would understand them the most: Jeonghan.

The only reason why Dokyeom was in on the plan was because he liked clinging onto Jeonghan during their free time. He caught them making the plan and immediately sulked at being left out. He was immediately recruited – he volunteered, to be specific – and was assigned to leave a spare key of the locker room inside where it could be easily found and lock the door when the two of them were already inside. 

The plan was easily made and more easily executed. And yet, none of them thought about another important thing, the aftermath. Jeonghan, out of everyone who made the plan, felt the most responsible and guilty.

He wouldn’t feel this guilty if only the two weren’t actually planning to make up. They simply needed more time. And they beat him to it. Instantly, a wave of shame washes over as him as he realizes his grave mistake. Of course Jun and Minghao made plans. They were mature individuals and built a mature friendship. He should have known. 

As Jeonghan digs the right words in his minds, someone throws themself on Minghao who takes a step back from the impact while catching the person in his arms. He blinks a few times and realizes it is Dokyeom who is in Minghao’s arms. The vocalist has his face buried in the dancer’s neck, holding him tight. 

It doesn’t even take five seconds for everybody to realize Dokyeom is crying himself in guilt. The circle surrounding Jeonghan, Minghao, and now Dokyeom tightens itself around them to have a closer look of the sobbing boy. 

”A-Are you crying?” Minghao asks incredulously. “Why the hell are you crying?” 

”We’re sorry,” Dokyeom sobs against Minghao’s shoulder, clutching Minghao’s jacket on his back. “W-We ruined everything for you guys. I’m sorry, Myungho-yah. Jun hyung, I am really sorry, I didn’t think this through. 

Everyone stares at the boy in surprise, taken aback by the sudden waterworks in front of them. Of course, it doesn’t come as a shock to them to see Dokyeom crying, but all of them are internally asking themselves if this is worth _wailing_ at. Tearing up, yes. Wailing? With snot running down his nose? Not quite sure about that. 

Evidently, Jun and Minghao think the same. Jun is able to react first, taking Dokyeom from Minghao’s arms and giving him a warm embrace. He palms the back of the vocalist’s head, cradling him like how a parent would hold a child who tripped on the playground. 

”Dokyeom-ah, why are you crying? You shouldn’t cry, I’m not mad and so is Myungho,” Jun tells him, swaying back and forth to comfort the child in his arms. 

”But…but you two had plans to make up and we ruined it by making a stupid plan!” Dokyeom cries out, even going as far as stomping his feet on the ground. 

Jun can’t help but smile, seeing himself as he watches the younger stomp his feet repeatedly. He pulls away to force Dokyeom to look at him. “Dokyeom-ah, we did make plans. And yeah, it might have been a better make-up if it was because of the things we planned for each other but we understand you guys just wanted the best for us. I mean, I know you guys really felt awkward seeing us like that, so we really can’t blame you guys, you know? Although, you could have locked us in a better room. Like, another practice room or something.” 

But…but…” Dokyeom’s lips quiver. “I thought of that but Seungkwan said it won’t be a good plan because many are always using the practice rooms. It wouldn’t be very fun, Jeonghan hyung said.” 

Jun laughs, looking at the people whose names are mentioned. Dokyeom can be truly trusted to be honest when he is at his vulnerable moments. “I can’t believe you guys said that! And well, I really can’t believe you guys locked us in a room just to make us up, but we aren’t mad at you. Right, Myungho?” 

”No!” Minghao laughs heartily, hand clutching his stomach. “I mean, I was a little. And then I was annoyed. And then I realized, there’s no use on being annoyed. I just pretended to make you guys feel guilty…Jeonghan hyung, are you okay? Oh my god, don’t tell me you’re gonna cry too?” 

”He seems to be in shock to cry,” Woozi comments, smiling at the sight in front of him. They’ve always been brothers and the situation before him are only one of the unconventional moments that prove they truly are brothers. As siblings, you don’t always have to be good at each other. As siblings, you need to ruin things for your other siblings to prove siblinghood. And the plan, the crying, the laughing, only prove their brotherhood for the nth time. 

”I’m sorry,” Jeonghan croaks out. “I didn’t know, I didn’t even think about that. I just wanted the two of you to make up, I didn’t realize I was getting in the way. Hyung is really sorry, I– ” 

”Jeonghan hyung, why are you saying sorry?” Minghao asks, pulling the elder for a hug. “It’s not exactly a prank if you’re gonna apologize for it. Stop saying sorry! And surely you didn’t plan it! I am sure that it’s these two brats who thought about it!” 

”We’re really sorry,” Seungkan says. He and Dino both timidly stand straight, hands by their front and heads lowered to show respect and sincerity. 

It sends discomfort to Jun and Minghao, which is why they immediately gesture the two youngest members to join their hug. Seungkwan runs to Jun’s direction and Dino to Minghao’s. Since Jun is still holding a sobbing Dokyeom, Seungkwan has no choice but force himself inside the tight embrace, wrapping his arms around Dokyeom and Jun. Dino shyly joins Minghao and Jeonghan’s embrace. Jeonghan instantly includes him in the hug. 

They stay like that for a few seconds before Hoshi runs to them and enthusiastically pulls the separate hugs together. They all form one great big hug with the guilty people inside the circle, holding the victims of their prank silently. The rest watches and laughs, finding it dumb, corny, and loving all at the same time. 

  
  


Minghao and Jun walk inside Jun’s room with Minghao tugging Jun by the hand. Embarrassment forms in his stomach as he realizes the action feels too wrong…not wrong, just provocative. Heat rushes through his neck but he resists, looking Jun expectantly. 

”Why are you looking at me like that?” Jun asks. 

”I thought you had a plan?” 

”I thought you had a plan! But okay, let’s do mine first. Go to your room,” Jun instructs. 

”We’re not doing your plan in your room?” 

Jun rolls his eyes. “Nope. We’re doing it in yours. Go to your room, wash up, get dressed, and get back here. Off you go.” He pushes Minghao out of the room, not even giving the younger to further interrogate him. 

Thirty minutes later, Minghao comes back in blue silky pajamas and an ivory bathrobe. He has his hands on his hips, looking at Jun and then at his room to look for clues on what the hell is going on. Jun approaches him with a smile he can’t describe aside from alluring and teasing. Out of blue, a velvet blindfold is covering his eyes. 

”Wha–“

”Ssh.” Shivers crawl up Minghao’s back, causing him to arch his back forward. Their bodies are close to each other, as close as they normally are, but the temporary impaired sight activates his senses more actively. The elder’s body temperature is a lot warmer as he shares the heat by literally whispering so close to his ear. 

He can see, despite the blindfold only making him see black, the twinkle in Jun’s eyes as he does something mischievous. The elder knows what he is doing, trying to get the upper hand by taking away his eyesight but sending the rest of his senses into hyperactivity. 

”Jun ge,” Minghao warns. 

”What?” Jun whispers in his ear once again, arms around his neck relaxingly. “Are you nervous?” 

Yes, he is nervous. But he feels something within him growing more intense. “More like, interested.” 

”Interested?” Jun echoes with several blinks of his eyes. 

”I want to you see what you’re gonna do,” Minghao calmly explains but his nerves pulse as wildly as his heart beats inside of him. He pulls the elder closer by the waist, his hands gently massaging his waist covered by his cardigan. “Is this your plan?” 

His voice comes out low and hushed in an uncertain manner as he isn’t sure on how to respond to the party trick. An unseen flame ignites, set ablaze between the two of them. For a moment, Minghao wonders if they will burn or get hurt. Suddenly, he feels the tip of Jun’s nose sliding behind his ear and then down his neck, excruciatingly slow as it heats up his skin. _It doesn’t matter,_ Minghao tells himself. He might burn with how this emotion is too powerful, but Jun can never hurt him. This is what he chooses; to stay close to the fire and burn him if he can. It’s toxic and delectable, how this unidentified emotion surrounds the two of them so tightly that they could taste it. 

”My plan,” Jun starts, the tip of his nose brushing against the part that connects the neck and the shoulder. His hands are shaking with how unbelievable the situation is. Blindfolding the younger is not part of the plan, certainly including his teasing right now. Jun doesn’t tease, he is the one being teased. He is the one who becomes nervous and giggly. Minghao isn’t aware of it, Jun is certain, how he stands as a candle sometimes. Jun feels like the moth at times, enamored and intrigued by the pulsing and dancing light. He wanders around the flame, getting close and close to the heat. Jun immediately wonders, _Should I stay away?_. 

Minghao’s right hand travels to the back of his head, bringing his head closer to his neck. If he wants to, he can kiss it. But Jun, in his teasing mood at the moment, wouldn’t do that. They still haven’t crossed that line yet. However, Jun wants to. He badly wants to. He can feel the younger’s skin shiver as his hand cradles his head in his hand to bury it in his neck. At that moment, Jun gets his answer. _Never._

”This is not part of the plan.” 

Jun pulls away and leaves a kiss on Minghao’s cheek. He pulls away the large box containing the things hidden under his bed and right before leaving the room, he says, “You can take off the blindfold now.” 

It takes five seconds for Minghao to pull the blindfold off after hearing the door close. He can only look taken aback, actually asking himself if what happened was not an illusion in his mind. He feels sweat form under his pajamas, causing him to gulp down the edginess in his throat and taking off his expensive bathrobe. 

_”He’s going to give me a heart attack one day,”_ Minghao muses. 

Meanwhile, Jun rushes to the balcony of the elder’s room in a nervous yet excited mess. He pulls away the bunched up string of fairy lights that he bought from an online store. The string simply contains tiny light bulbs that glow in white and yet Jun paid more than the décor is worth just to make sure it arrives after one day. And yes, Jun took the idea off Pinterest. Sue him. 

His hands are nowhere as able as Minghao’s in crafts and art, but he thinks nothing could go wrong with hanging fairy lights. They’re beautiful when they light up. He lays a thick blanket on the floor and then another, another, and another. He throw the pillows of Minghao’s bed on the blanket and adds the four pillowcases he brought with him (which he also bought online). 

He runs downstairs and sees Dokyeom waiting in the kitchen, leaning against the countertop with his hands crosses. His eyes light up upon seeing a cooking pot on the stove top. 

”Is the ramyeon ready?” 

Dokyeom eagerly nods, handing him the cooking pot filled with a steaming food of noodles and soup. “Yeah, I just finished. Is everything ready?” 

Almost, almost,” Jun answers. “Just the food and a little bit of...um, décor.” 

”Décor?” Dokyeom has to laugh. “I can’t believe you’re decorating, hyung! The things you do for love.” 

Jun’s neck snap to look at him, surprised at the last word articulated by the younger. 

Dokyeom seems to be taken aback as well, but he plays off the shock with a comical expression. “Y-You guys haven’t told each other that?” 

”Uh…”

”I mean, it is what is, hyung.” 

Jun exhales, feeling the weight of the word ‘love’ on and within him. He feels exposed, to hear that word for the first time coming from the younger out of all people. He thinks, for a second, if the he and Minghao are scared which is why they’ve never mentioned the word. But he comes back to everything they have been through, including everything the younger has done for him, and realizes it’s not fear that is keeping them from saying it out loud. “We just never felt like we had to say it. We’re contented with just feeling it, you know?” 

Dokyeom smiles at him, his eyes twinkling under the kitchen lights. “Now you’re making me jealous. I want that too. But I don’t think it’s bad to say it, even if it’s just from time to time.” 

”Love,” Jun tests by himself, growing more and more flushed. “Yeah, I like the sound of that.” 

”See? It makes you feel good, doesn’t it?” Dokyeom ushers him away. “Off you go with your surprise. I just cooked for you guys so that means we’re okay now, ‘kay hyung?” 

Jun excitedly thanks him, excitement pumping his veins as one word runs in his head: love. 

After twenty-five minutes of arranging and rearranging the food, blankets, throw pillows, brand new drawing materials, and Chinese snacks, Jun finally decides he is done with the preparation. Clearly, everything would have been easier and more perfect if the younger had no idea about the surprise or they would be making up in the lit up and balcony that he closed with a white and baby blue net fabrics for privacy. However, Jun can’t deny, how exciting it is to surprise Minghao now that they are alright. 

After inhaling and exhaling twice to get rid of the jitters, he runs to his room and sees Minghao lying on his bed on his phone. Jun sees the blindfold by the edge of the bed, sending blushes on his cheeks once again. But there is no time to dwell on moments caused by impulse. “Let’s go, Haohao!” 

He takes the younger’s hand and blindfolds him once again. He pulls him into the room and situates him by the opened door of the balcony, struggling to contain his excitement. “You can take off the blindfold.” 

Not knowing what to expect, Minghao abruptly takes off the fabric. He takes a step back, his back meeting Jun’s chest as the elder catches him in his arms. The arms wrap around his waist with Jun’s chin resting on his shoulder. He takes the sight in, greeted by the balcony in a way that he has never seen before. 

He doesn’t know how it was done, but the entire balcony is converted into some sort of hanging tent. Net fabrics in the shades of white and blue became a roof of the balcony, draping over the place for privacy. The railings are lined with bright lights. The tiles of the floor cannot be seen as blankets cover the entire floor. He recognizes his pillows on the blankets, together with several throw pillows that he has never seen before. 

Two breakfast trays are filled with Chinese snacks that he always hunts down around Seoul. Another breakfast tray holds a cooking pot along with bowls and utensils. Another tray contains his favorite bottle of wine, together with a tray of cheeses and two wine glasses. He notices a large wrapped box beside Jun’s laptop that is laying with the throw pillows. The night breeze welcomes him, yet he doesn’t shiver. 

”Jun ge,” he draws out in speechlessness. “How did you…”

He doesn’t know what to say. All he can think about, as he scans the room, is that the whole place comes looking straight from a fairytale. It does unusual things to Minghao, to find a place fairytale-like. He believes in paradise, oasis, and heaven, but never fairytale. 

”Ge.” 

Jun’s voice brings him out of his reverie, rocking him back and forth in his arms. His lips are so close to his ear once again, pouting and clearly wanting him to say something. Minghao takes a deep breath and releases it as deeply, still breathless at the sight. He holds the hands that are intertwined on his upper abdomen, wanting to acknowledge his ge. 

”This is crazy,” he breathes out. “How did you do all this? Did you get help?” 

He feels the elder stop his feet from behind. “Of course not, I did this all myself! Well, Dokyeom made the ramyeon because I had no time.” He can imagine the pout on his face deepen regardless of not being able to see his face. 

”Do you like it?” Jun’s voice then comes out timid. Minghao turns around to look at him, looking lovingly soft that it comforts Jun, yet he still needs to hear him say it. 

The younger keeps the elder’s hold around his waist tight by tightening his hands around Jun’s. “Ge, I honestly have no words. This is crazy. You did this. For me.” 

”Are you happy?” Jun asks innocently, his slightly taller height requiring him to look down to make eye contact. 

Minghao firmly nods. “Incredibly happy, Wen Junhui. You did all of this and it’s beautiful.” 

Jun wants to say it, that powerful yet overused three-letter-word. Dokyeom is right, it’s good to call the thing for what it is. But Jun feels like it isn’t the right time. Something pushes the words back down his throat, but he doesn’t want to deny it. Only that word can define what he feels for Minghao. He wonders about the right time to say it, if being in this balcony does not feel like the right time.

”Hey,” Minghao whispers. “You’re zoning out. What’s wrong?” 

Minghao caresses Jun’s cheek, enjoying the purrs from the elder as he leans in to indulge himself with the touch. Jun sighs, trying to calm down his hyperactive heart. “Nothing. I’m just…relieved. I thought this wouldn’t turn out well.” 

”Well, it did. So you have nothing to worry about. I never expected you to do anything like this. I wonder what more you have in store for me.” 

Jun smiles shyly, shaking his head. “Oh, this is it. Don’t….don’t expect fireworks or anything. I covered this place for a reason. And I won’t serenade you or anything like that, wait, should I sing for you? I’ll go grab my guitar for a sec, wait here. I can’t be–“ 

”Ge, ge,” Minghao tugs back the frazzled boy, and forced him to look straight in his eyes. “Hey, hey. I don’t need you to do anything else for me. Making this place look magical is already such a surprise. I didn’t mean fireworks or a serenade. I’m only excited for us to eat all these snacks…and maybe watch a movie. I dunno, surprise me, ge. Can we lay here now?” 

Minghao’s eyes twinkle in excitement, his eyes shifting back to the bunched up blankets and then to Jun. The elder merely nods, taking his hand in his to pull him outside. The blankets are calling for their name and they waste no time on settling down, the younger looking around enthusiastically as Jun monitors his reaction. 

They start eating, the elder feeding Minghao the ramyeon with his chopsticks and then the latter tearing open Chinese snacks as they share memories of their youth while eating them. While eating, they decide to watch a film in Jun’s laptop. They take ten minutes arguing who will choose the first movie, since their preferred genres are practically at each end of the spectrum. Jun wins the argument, telling him it’s his surprise and therefore Minghao gets to decide how the activities of the night will go. Minghao rolls his eyes and settles on The Nun. 

Discomfort is immediately painted on Jun’s face, making Minghao laugh. He wraps an arm around Jun, pulling him to his side with the other tugging the blanket up to his neck. After The Nun, Jun’s face grows pale that slightly concerns the Minghao. Jun frowns internally, knowing there is a possibility of him having nightmares in the following nights. But as he watches Minghao chewing on some snacks, he feels quickly soothed. 

Desparate to push away the memories of the haunting of Valak, he rushes to click Big Hero 6 among the vast choices of animated movies. The younger laughs at him, reminding him this is the 3rd time they will be watching the movie. Jun glares at him, causing Minghao to clamp his mouth shut and settle comfortably by his side. 

In the middle of the movie, Minghao’s attention is stolen by the sight of Jun’s exposed neck and shoulder. The fabric of the oversized sweater has been pulled to the other side, presenting Minghao his smooth skin. Without thinking about it, he leaves a kiss on Jun’s shoulder. He peers up to see his reaction, and finds Jun unresponsive. The elder is completely concentrated on the movie, serious during the action-packed scenes. 

Minghao blows on the same part and leaves a kiss on the shoulder again. He starts tracing the skin reaching his neck through the tip of nose to let out a blow and another kiss. He feels Jun’s body stiffen and he stops, needing to see his response. Several seconds fill with the two of them unmoving with the movie as the only sound. 

He is curious to see how far they would go tonight, from back hugs to neck kisses, but he remains static. For a moment, he wonders if he has gone too far. Is Jun not yet ready for much more intimate kisses and touches? Worry starts growing within him, his arm around Jun’s stomach and waist loosening to pull away. 

Upon the realization that Minghao wants to pull away, he leans against his chest more comfortably with the hopes that the action is enough as a sign. A sign that he doesn’t want him to stop. 

Minghao doesn’t take it as a sign; he takes it as invitation. He tightens his hold around Jun, pulling him back closer than ever to his chest. The traces on Jun’s skin start again, shivers and flushness occurring to his body all at once. Minghao starts slower this time but his actions feel more certain, as if he has released a single rein to have more freedom. 

Minghao nips on the area of Jun’s neck several times, slightly taking Jun out of his drunken-like state. He loves the kisses but he is afraid that the younger would completely lose control. He wants him to let go. He wants them to eat the entire plate of freedom. He wants to feel Minghao give more than kisses and blows. A hickey. 

The word sends the butterflies inside Jun’s stomach into frenzy, more so when he realizes he doesn’t mind if he is left with a hickey, or more, on his neck. They’re getting closer to the flame. Stepping closer beyond the line. Jun is getting more greedy and impatient, but he needs to think straight. 

He turns his head to look at the younger, caught up in the intensity whirling inside Minghao’s eyes. “Y-You’re gonna leave a mark.” 

”I won’t,” Minghao whispers as he brings his face closer to Jun’s face. “They will kill me if they find out. I know, your neck can’t be assaulted.” 

”Right.” Jun swallows the saliva accumulating in his mouth. “My neck…you can touch it…kiss it. But you can’t assault it.” 

They feel each other’s breath against their skin. Both pairs of eyes land on each other’s lips. “Assault it, huh.” Minghao feel his body temperature rise, starting to sweat lightly but he can’t bring himself to give space. “I am not assaulting you.” 

”What are you doing then, Haohao?” Jun’s voice comes out low and soft. 

”I’m loving you.” 

Eyes shift to the other from looking at each other’s lips. The word is said in such low volume that it can almost be called a whisper. But Jun heard the word firm from his lips. Full of assertion and certainty. As if it’s all Minghao has ever known. 

Jun twists himself around to face Minghao’s entire body. “I’m loving you too.” 

He doesn’t whisper the confession nor does he scream it out loud. He doesn’t have to. Only Minghao needs to hear it, nobody else matters. It’s just them, but not against the world. It is them, on top of the world. 

Both of them gather the courage, no matter how aware they are that they don’t need courage at the moment. But they can’t help it for the feeling feels like falling, forcing them to instinctively feel fear of the unknown. However, their eyes found each other’s lips, and suddenly the unknown feels less scary. Intimidating, but compelling. 

”I’m loving you, ge,” Minghao says. “Can I show you that?” 

”You don’t have to ask.” 

Minghao initiates and Jun follows a close second. Their lips finally meet, eager and needy, simply wanting to create contact and never let go. Jun wraps his arms around Minghao’s neck as the other grabs him by the wait. The younger pulls him to his lap and Jun wastes no time. He straddles Minghao’s lap, wrapping his legs around his waist and slightly tangling his feet together. 

The two of them swear then and there, that they never need to see fireworks to experience an explosion. It is happening within him, bursting all over their body and centering itself on both of their chests. Their hearts are beating wildly as the kiss intensifies. 

Minghao, in all his eagerness for a taste, presses his lips against Jun’s harder, catching the elder by surprise and causing a moan out of him. Instinctively, he gulps the sound down by invading his mouth with his tongue. Eventually, he feels Jun’s tongue against his, brushing, touching, and finally dancing. 

Jun’s fingers travel to the back of Minghao’s head where he pulls his hair slightly harder than expected. Minghao who groans and allows Jun to take the opportunity on exploring his mouth with his own tongue. 

There is no way Jun can describe the taste aside from sweet, yet he doubts the taste of chocolates and candies can be compared to Minghao’s mouth. Not even close. Those delicacies hold nothing compared to what he is tasting now. He immediately feels the addiction develop in him as his mind calls for more, more, more. 

The lip lock continues and escalates with both of them losing the concept of time and space. From platonic touches to evolving intimacies, they finally reach the stage where their lips can profess each other’s love with no words needed. Their tongues continue the dance, causing them to moan in each other’s mouths and hold each other’s upper body. 

Jun has never felt more exposed but powerful at the same time, just by feeling that he could burst into flames anytime. He has always been contented with the touches, eye contact, and kisses on the cheeks, but only now has he realized the goodness of giving into your own desires. He grows greedy, wanting to be closer to Minghao as if straddling his lap and entangling his tongue with his isn’t close enough. 

But he hasn’t been hugged nor kissed on the cheek by the younger for three days. He needs to alleviate the pain he has felt from missing Minghao’s touches. And so he does what his body and heart tells him. He rocks his hips, ever so slightly for a test, and does it again in a millisecond more actively. Years of dancing put him to an advantage. He arches his back as he rocks his hips again, craving for friction against the silk pajama bottom Minghao is wearing. Minghao reacts immediately. He grabs Jun’s hips tight, stopping his legs from moving on top of his. He groans while doing so, electricity sparking as both of them feel each other’s mound. 

Both of them pull away, panting and struggling for open air. Their faces are still close to each other, looking into each other’s eyes and then lips. Jun rocks his hips once again, pressing harder as he looks at Minghao’s face. The younger’s face contorts into a look of pleasure, his hands gripping Jun’s hips to make him stop. 

”Haohao,” Jun whines, needing that friction once again. 

Both their mounds start to swell inside their pajamas and they feel it as Jun nuzzles the younger’s neck to hide his embarrassment. “Ge,” Minghao pants. “Love, I don’t think…”

Jun thinks he might burst into sparks as he hears Minghao’s sudden term of endearment. “Haohao, I …oh God, please…”

”Love,” Minghao takes a deep breath, trying to calm himself to rearrange his thoughts. “If you do that one more time, I swear...” 

”B-But,” Jun cries out, wanting to rock his hips once again but finding it incredibly attractive to feel Minghao’s finger digging into his hips to stop the movement of his lower limbs. He can feel his bulge against his, touching each other with only fabrics acting as barrier. He longs for another stream of electricity, and so he rocks his hips once again, helpless against his truest desires.

”I want to, love,” Minghao says. “I want this as well and fucking yes, I want more. But we aren’t really prepared and we didn’t think this through. This takes preparation, we can’t just do it like this. I want it to be special.” 

”Isn’t this already special?” Jun peppers kisses all over Minghao’s neck, unbuttoning three buttons on his pajamat top. He resumes kissing the skin, delighted that his neck and chest is exposed for him. “Everything is already special, Haohao. Please…”

His hand travels down to Minghao’s stomach as he kisses his chest and reaches his throat. Minghao groans, his hands heading to Jun’s ass. He cradles it gently, pressing Jun’s lower body to his just for friction but also to control Jun whenever he decides to move his hips once again. He almost doesn’t want to believe it, how Jun is convincing and seducing him into doing more. 

But his resolve remains intact. He gives Jun’s ass cheeks a couple of squeezes before his hands grip his hips tightly again. Jun moans out his approval against Minghao’s neck as he leaves kisses but resists the desire to leave marks. Minghao cradles the elder’s face to look at him. A wave of satisfaction washes over Minghao as Jun looks at him with a hazy, pleading eyes. 

”Love, you’ve done so much for me tonight,” Minghao whispers and gifts Jun a soft kiss on the lips to show his gratitude. “It’s my turn now. Let me take care of everything, hm? Let’s just enjoy ourselves tonight. I don’t want to do everything tonight because I might hurt you and I don’t want that.” 

Jun gives him a kiss as well, deeper and hungrier. “You’re right, I’m sorry. I got carried away, I’m sorry for rushing.” 

”No, no,” Minghao assures him. “Believe me, I want it as much as you do. Maybe more but– “

”Impossible,” Jun refuses to lose, his voice small and almost scolding. “I want this so much, Haohao. So, so much, and you’re not giving it to me and I understand that.” 

Minghao sighs, his control slipping from his fingertips. “It’s not easy stopping you, love. But like I said, I want to do this for you. When the time is right. You’re not mad, are you?” 

Jun pouts, shaking his head. “No, no. I’m just…I’ve been too excited and well…” His face goes warm. “It’s kinda, um…weird, I guess, to stop.” 

Minghao blinks for three seconds before he erupts into laughter, pulling Jun to his chest and wrapping his arms around him tight. 

”Why are you laughing, Haohao! This is not supposed to be funny.” Jun’s pout intensifies as he hits Minghao’s back with his fist. 

Minghao pulls away, happiness bright in his eyes. He holds his face close to him, thumb stroking Jun’s lower lip. His lips look delectably swollen, looking plump with a tinge of pink. He looks at him with such wide eyes, showing him he has given his entire attention to him. It makes Minghao feel a little smug, to be at the center of his attention. 

”We don’t have to rush, ge,” Minghao reminds him. “We have all the time in the world. Just you and I, literally every single day. One day, you might get sick of me too.” 

Jun smiles at him, nuzzling against the palm that is touching the side of his face. Minghao’s thumb is still stroking his lower lip so gently that Jun wants to tease. He nips at the younger’s thumb, looking directly into his eyes and then pulling away. “I will never get sick you, Hao.” 

”Promise?” 

Jun nods and nips at his thumb once again and then licks it inside his mouth, eyes fixed on the younger to look at his response. Minghao visibly looks taken aback, his breath hitching in his throat and his eyes getting darker. 

”A tease,” Minghao remarks in a hushed tone. “Such a fucking tease.” 

Jun smiles smugly, releasing the thumb from his mouth. “And you love me for it, don’t you?” 

”Damn right, I do.” 

Minghao swoops in, lips crashing against Jun’s. The elder wastes no time and tightens his legs around the younger’s waist once again, closing off the distance between the two of them. Jun feels Minghao’s curious tongue explore his awaiting mouth, and he welcomes it with his own. Minghao can’t control the groan and Jun receives it straight into his mouth while his hands run along the back of his head and back. Minghao’s hands travel underneath his sweater, palming Jun’s warm skin from his waist and entire back. 

A single sentence runs inside Jun’s spinning head, _Fireworks be damned._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh...yeah. I just wrote that. That just happened. And don't act like you guys didn't like it.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jun and Minghao finally embrace the flames, bodies dancing the way flames would in warmth, intensity, and seductiveness.

The moderate blow of the wind wakes Jun up from his peaceful slumber. He lies on his stomach and moves his hand to his right, expecting to feel human flesh under his palm but feels the soft cover of the bed instead. He slowly opens his eyes and sees the balcony door slightly opened. He squints his sleepy eyes and sees the sky barely lit. 

He stares at the view before him, mind solely filled with the boy absent by his side. After a few seconds, he sees Minghao facing the balcony with his back facing him. The younger’s head is ducked down, seeming to be doing something outside against the railings of the balcony. 

With a frown, he gets up from the bed and stops by the sliding door with his arms crossed to block his upper body from the cold. His frown deepens upon seeing Minghao in a low back baby blue cashmere sweater, simply exposing nearly his entire back to the cold. 

He doesn’t have to make a double guess on what the younger is doing as he walks up to him and wraps his arm around his waist. He leaves kisses on his bare back and the nape of his neck while humming and moving his hands around stomach under the sweater. 

”Hey,” Jun greets in a raspy voice. “You’re up early.” 

The only time Minghao woke up before him was during his early days of recovery at home as his concussion medication made him extremely sleepy and tired. Nearly three months have passed since then and Jun is delighted with his sleeping schedule finally back to normal. So to find his lover up before the sun has risen on a day where their schedule starts after lunch, is quite surprising to Jun. 

”Yeah…” Minghao mumbles. “Just drawing.” 

”I can see that,” Jun comments as he rests his chin on top of his left shoulder, peering down at abstract scribbles drawn near each other. He doesn’t understand the drawing but says nothing, considering the drawing is still under the process and the artist will surely tell him later anyway. Jun can be a lot of things, but artistic isn’t one of them. 

He doesn’t have to ask further to know that the younger is drawing something he can’t get out of his head, or else he wouldn’t be up before him. Jun always wakes up before him ever since his sleeping schedule has been fixed. With a sigh, he walks back to the room and takes one of Minghao’s designer shawl from the drawer. 

He then wraps the scarf over Minghao’s shoulder before studying his features. The very slight swell of his face makes it obvious the younger hasn’t freshened up from his sleep yet. The furrow of his eyebrows is barely noticeable but the tightening of his jaw hints tension and stress in his face. His fingers hold the pencil comfortably as he normally would as it glides over the paper, but the way his eyes shift hyperactively throughout the entire canvas tells Jun how the younger’s vision in his mind is all over the place. 

Jun is not artistic by any means, especially compared to Minghao whose world revolves around art and everything else he loves, but he has spent countless times sitting beside while silently observing different kinds of sketches and paintings that he may or may not understand immediately. As of the moment, he doesn’t understand the drawing that is still in its progress but he doesn’t mind. He can always ask next time. 

For now, the younger looks like he needs time alone and so Jun stops his sleepy self from clinging to the younger like a koala. He leaves a chaste kiss on Minghao’s cheek as a silent reminder that he is here and he can talk to him whenever he wants to. 

He leaves a longing stare at his back, badly wanting to wrap his arms around his waist. But he goes back to bed anyway, staring at Minghao's focused and rigid state. One thing he knows about Minghao is that you don’t rush him on opening up about himself. This is not because he is distant by nature, but because he tends to think on his own to rearrange his thoughts before coming to others for advice, help, or company. 

Jun wills himself to go back to sleep, knowing he will be wide awake in two hours at most and maybe he can talk to Minghao over breakfast. He snuggles deep inside the covers of the bed, trying his best not to worry himself further regarding his lover’s well-being. As his sleepiness gradually escalates, he feels the other side of his bed dip lower as an arm wraps itself around his waist. Minghao pulls him to his chest, leaving a kiss on the back of his head. 

Still with his eyes closed, Jun mumbles, “Is there something wrong?” 

He hears Minghao exhale a large amount of breath, blowing at the nape of his neck and tightening his hold around him. “I just feel…restless.” 

This piques Jun’s interest, leading him to turn and twist around to face the younger boy. He studies Minghao’s face, looking serious and the slightest bit gloomy. His fingers reach up to touch his forehead, straightening the crooked eyebrows. 

”What does that mean, Haohao?” 

Minghao frowns. “That’s the thing. I don’t know what it means. I woke up an hour ago and I just don’t feel good about today.” 

”We’re only going to have a photoshoot, Haohao,” Jun reminds him. “Nothing can go wrong today or tomorrow or next week or the week after that. Let’s de-stress on another day when we’re not so busy.” 

Minghao closes his eyes, forcing down the unsettling feeling inside him. He touches foreheads with Jun, taking a deep breath and slowly letting it out. “That’s it,” he hears Jun whisper with his hands cupping his right cheek. “Do it again for me, please.” 

He does as instructed, feeling himself calm down just from his touch. He opens his eyes and almost immediately his heart is warmed. Jun is smiling at him peacefully, the smile gentle and not very cheerful. It’s soothing, simply meant to balm his unsettled heart. And it works, like a miracle but not very shocking to Minghao since the man before him has always been his peace. 

”I love you,” Minghao whispers while closing his eyes once again, hoping to go back to dreamland. 

Crinkles appear beside Jun’s eyes as he smiles and he snuggles deep inside Minghao’s hold. He leaves a few kisses on his collarbone before peering above. “I love you too.” He buries his face on Minghao’s chest, inhaling the smell of his clothing and natural scent. 

Two hours later, Jun opens his eyes and finds Minghao holding him tighter than he normally would asleep. He holds him as if he never wants to let him go, their legs tangled below the thick blanket. It takes ten minutes for Jun to silently wrestle his way out. However, it’s the first time Minghao wakes up from Jun getting up, asking him where he is going. A reassuring smile and a couple of kisses on the forehead and lips from Jun bring him back to sleep. 

  
  


All of them arrive at the photoshoot location, a meadow that seems to go on for miles and miles. Everybody heads to the first spot of their location with the members dividing themselves among who needs to go first and those who can walk around and take some pictures. 

Jun, along with Woozi, Jeonghan, and Wonwoo, are informed to be first, therefore they headed straight to the makeshift dressing room. A large tent stands not very far from the photoshoot location where all their outfits, hair, and makeup equipment are located. All of them enter and are welcomed by the not-so-surprising sight of stylists, makeup artists, and hairdressers roaming around and going about their tasks. 

A faceless noona due to her mask grabs Jun by the elbow and leads him to the vanity. After a greeting, Jun allows the makeup artist to do her thing on his face while two stylists behind the two of them discuss the best outfit for Jun’s first photo. Due to boredom, he remembers that the makeup artist, Linda, started working in the company around the time of his recovery period in the hospital, therefore he has spent the least time with her compared to the other members. 

”It’s too bad I wasn’t able to meet you when you first got into the company,” Jun converses shyly at first. “How has the job been so far?” 

The woman’s eyes pop in surprise, clearly not expecting the inquiry or maybe the conversation in general. She stands straight and takes off her mask, showing Jun a kind smile. “You were focusing on your health that time, as you should. It’s a relief you’re alright now. And as for my job, I’m really enjoying it.” 

Jun nods in agreement. “It’s often tiring but everyone else makes everything better, doesn’t it?” 

”Exactly.” Linda grabs an eyebrow palette and a thin, small brush and proceeds to fill in Jun’s brows. “I’m really grateful for all my seniors here.” 

”What about us?” Jun pouts jokingly, making Linda laugh while she continues applying makeup on his face. “Of course, I’m thankful for you kids. You guys are many but you also help make things easier for us… close your eyes, please.” 

Jun closes his eyes and feels the familiar texture of a brush gliding over his eyelid. He continues, “I was surprised by the few changes in the company when I came home from the hospital. There are three kitchens now, and the newly built one looked really nice and big too!” 

”Well, you’ve been accepting trainees the past few months so the company needed an upgrade,” Linda responds as she skillfully blends the light shade of brown with a shimmer on Jun’s eyelid. “That’s why they also started looking for more makeup artists and I was one of them. Lucky me!” 

”What’s the best thing about your job then, noona?” 

Linda lifts the brush and stands straight, letting Jun open his eyes to look at her. “Why, dolling you guys up of course! I’m really enjoying it…a lot more than I should, I think.” 

She grins brightly at Jun, bringing her face closer to him once again. “Now,” she says while holding up the makeup brush once again. “Keep your eyes closed. I don’t wanna poke your eyes.”

After twenty-five minutes or so, Linda eagerly gives him away to the two stylists who bombard him with several fashion pieces. The two bickering women settle on a pair of brown leather pants, tucked in white turtle-neck and long sleeve sweater, and washed gray coat. They finish the entire look with a pair of Dr. Martens black boots, gold minimal earrings pierced at least twice in each ear, and a gold chain necklace. His hair is messily tousled to the front and the dark eye makeup helps give off snort of a high fashion look. 

Jun can’t help but laugh at his reflection in the mirror, thoroughly impressed by their work but at the same time not imagining himself wearing this on a daily basis. “Are you sure you guys don’t think it’s The8 you’re dressing?” 

The two stylists have been working with them for quite a long time, more so the senior of the two, Somin who has been working with them for roughly three years. She shakes her head while still fixing, well, messing up, his hair. “No, no, this look suits you! I mean, you don’t dress like this, only The8 dresses up something like this on a normal day, but you look good Jun-ah!” 

”Hmm…” the other stylist, Dana, brings her fingers under Jun’s chin to turn it to different directions to have a look of his face in other angles. “You really should have eyeliner, don’t you think?” 

”Don’t I already have one?” he asks curiously, thinking that surely Linda has applied eyeliner on his face. 

”No, no, Linda only put eye shadow on you…Linda? Linda? Where is she?” The three of them look around the buzz of the tent with the other stylists and makeup artists dolling up other members, only for them not to see where she is. 

”Maybe she had a bathroom break, noona,” Jun tells her. “I can have the other makeup artists put some for me.” 

Dana nods, seemingly alright with the proposition. “Alright, then. Please call DK for us when you get outside.” 

Jun steps out the tent and sees the members scattered everywhere. Hoshi swooshes by in front of him as he runs away from Minghao who is chasing him with the both of them laughing loudly. Not far from where Hoshi runs to is Dino forcefully rolling around the soft patch of grass. The youngest member is being pushed around the field by Seungcheol, Mingyu, and Seungkwan as he laughs and rolls around, obviously liking it despite his protests. 

He nearly joins in the fun when he remembers he needs to have an eyeliner on his eyelids before his photoshoot and he needs to look for Dokyeom.” 

”I can’t imagine seeing you like that on a normal day,” someone snickers from behind. He turns around and sees Minghao sitting on a chair with a book on his lap. He wants to replace the book and sit on his lap but he fights off the desire, simply sitting at the vacant chair beside him. 

”I know right! And these leather pants were so hard to wear!” He exclaims, trying to pull some of the leather fabric but failing to as the pants are so snug around his legs. “My legs feel suffocated.” 

”You look really good in it.” Jun looks at Minghao and sees his eyes darken with desire swirling in his eyes. Jun gulps, thankful that his bucket hat is covering the suggestive look he has on his face. 

”You’re the one who would look really good in leather pants,” Jun breathes out helplessly. 

Minghao props his chin on the palm of his hand, elbow resting on his legs. He smirks, analyzing his outfit from head to toe. “Remember during our Left and Right comeback? When you had to wear those baggy leather pants?” 

”Y-Yes…”

”I couldn’t take my eyes off of you when you walked out the dressing room. Everyone was telling you looked good, but their compliments didn’t do justice with how beautiful and handsome you were.” 

Jun doesn’t understand the whole point of buttering him up like this, but the compliments and the longing stare combined warms his stomach and tickles his insides. 

Minghao is well-aware of this for his smirk intensifies as he brings his face closer to him and adds, “There’s just something about you in leather.” 

”And yet I’m the one who’s the tease,” Jun whispers as his eyes shift to the younger’s luscious lips. The meadow is incredibly beautiful and to kiss the younger would make the perfect memory, but they just had to sit in front of the tent full of staff while the other members become their rowdy selves. 

Minghao laughs, head thrown back before he sits straight. His fingers slightly touch Jun’s intended messy hair before smiling at him lovingly. “My prince,” he whispers, so softly that the words get carried by the light gust of the wind. In front of them the flowers dance, like they are also happy with how they feel happy as well. 

For a split second Jun feels alarmed, suddenly aware of the other staff who are in the dark about their relationship. But as he looks at his peripheral vision to the left, he sees Hoshi tackling Seungkwan to the ground and then hugging him tight, and Dokyeom clinging to Joshua and holding hands with him as they pass by the two members of Booseoksoon hold each other like teenage lovers in the park. All of them do these in the platonic light. He then remembers the mission he was assigned.

”Dokyeom-ah,” he blurts all of a sudden. 

”What?” Minghao looks taken aback. 

”I need to find Dokyeom-ah, it’s his turn to get his hair and makeup done,” Jun explains as he gets back to reality. Love can truly blindside you at times. But there is absolutely no going back. 

Minghao looks flustered but he laughs anyway. “It’s weird and funny at the same time, to hear you say somebody else’s name in the middle of a serious moment.” 

Jun pouts. “It’s you who distracted me first!” He looks down at the grassy ground, shy to look into Minghao’s eyes. “Distracting me with all your sweet words and stuff…”

”Have I ever told you how adorable you are?” Minghao pinches his cheek, grinning brightly at him. 

”You told me last night that I looked really cute,” Jun reminds him. 

”Well, you were really cute last night,” Minghao says matter-of-factly. “You wouldn’t go to sleep unless we watch a cartoon movie.” 

”The movie that you picked was really gruesome!” Jun reasons. “It wasn’t even scary, it was really, really, really terrifying, Haohao! I still don’t know how you finish those movies. They were eating humans!” 

The younger boy laughs heartily at him. “I didn’t enjoy the movie, if I’m being honest. But it was an experience.” Jun clung to his side last night during the beginning of the movie when he felt its sinister theme when it started. Halfway to the movie, Jun, a child in an adult’s body, dropped himself on his lap without any warning. Minghao feels like he should have been the slightest bit annoyed, but his ge was holding onto his neck and whimpering against his neck in overflowing cuteness that he couldn’t help but smile despite watching a bunch of cannibals haunt and taunt their preys.

”You enjoyed the movie that I picked, don’t lie!” Jun sticks his tongue, suddenly standing up. “I need to find Dokyeom-ah and I need to get an eyeliner done.” 

He grabs Jun’s hand, looking up at the elder who has stood up to walk away. “I know a movie we can watch tonight.” 

Jun looks physically pained, shaking his head. “Can’t you at least pick a much more decent movie? You know, action and adventure movies? You should ask Vernon or Hoshi, they have good taste in films.” 

“And if I don’t pick a decent movie?” Minghao quotes teasingly, his hand still around Jun’s wrist. 

”You’re sleeping alone tonight,” Jun decrees. 

Minghao can’t hold in the laughter escaping from his chest. “You and I both know that’s not going to happen, ge.” 

Jun scoffs, pulling his hand away from his grip and crossing his arms. He also doesn’t forget to stomp his feet a few times. “Are you telling me I can’t sleep without you? We’ll see about that!” 

The elder’s pout intensifies, annoyance painted all over his face as he rolls his eyes and sends him one last glare before stomping away. Jun finds innocent Dokyeom plopped on the field as the newest victim of who would have to roll around the grass like an escaped dog. 

Dokyeom could do nothing but allow himself to be dragged by Jun inside the tent, the elder not even giving him a glance that leaves Dokyeom throwing Minghao a questioning look. He shakes his head, cheeks aching from smiling so much as the memory of Jun wearing a tight leather pant engraving itself in his mind. 

The first part of the photoshoot ends for all the members, leaving the staff setting up the site for the second photoshoot for the day. Minghao finds himself looking for Jun, only to find the members divided among the ones who are having snacks, the ones lounging either on chairs on the grass, and the ones having a mini photoshoot of their own. 

He turns to the tent, peeking his head in only to see several staff inside. His eyes land on Linda, the makeup artists assigned to Jun. Before he gets the chance to ask if the older woman might know where Jun may be, she leaves the tent through the exit on the other side of the tent. He steps away from the tent and decides to walk around the outside of the tent to meet her on the other side. 

Being the idol that he is, he hears the unquestionable sound of a camera of a phone snapping. He stops walking and sees Jun not very far from him, taking pictures all by himself. In a millisecond his eyes shift to his left and sees Linda looking at him as well, slightly startled judging by how she jumped on her feet and took a step back. He notices the camera in his hand, tightly held by her hands. 

The discomfort from this morning comes back, as strong as the wind suddenly blowing past them from the north. The wind sends shivers and the shivers turn to creeps, climbing down his legs and settling in his stomach as he eyes the phone held by Linda. 

”The8,” Linda greets politely, almost too politely considering she is older than her. But he has worked way longer than her in the company so he brushes off the idea, yet the distress within him remains. If anything it grows bigger as he stares at her more. 

Her eyes can’t remain eye contact, shifting from the ground to him while tucking back a few times the strands of hair that escaped from her bun. Her stance seems like she is preparing to take off anytime, posture straight but rigid and foot behind the other. She also can’t seem to be content with her grip around the phone, trying to clasp it between both hands when she isn’t meddling with her hair. 

”Hello,” Minghao manages to greet. “I was just looking for Jun. Found him.” 

”Oh, yeah,” Linda lets out an awkward laugh. “Jun is taking pictures right in front of us. Well, I better get going.” 

Linda leaves with her head lowered to the ground, as nervous as the trainees are in the company whenever they see them. But those trainees do it out of respect, alternating between bows and lowered heads. Her body language, even though he is not a body language expert, doesn’t sit well with him. 

He wills himself to calm down, a single scenario forming in his head that he doesn’t even want to entertain. He looks back at Jun who has finally noticed his presence. But did his pouting prince acknowledge it? Not at all. The elder goes back to taking selfies, almost as if he saw a pole and not his boyfriend. 

Warmth encases his heart as he observes his boyfriend’s pouty and sulky tendencies, but the unpleasant feeling remains in his chest. He heaves out a sigh, wanting to calm down and throw away his worries. His stare remains at Jun as he replays the scene a few moments ago in his head. 

Linda could be taking a selfie outside the tent because the sunlight does make a good selfie. But why did she have to be standing parallel to Jun’s location? And why was she acting as if she was caught doing something bad? Why couldn’t she look straight into Minghao’s eyes?

He knows he is being irrational. It’s not like the staff can’t take selfies and they aren’t trustworthy. This isn’t their first rodeo with choosing staff who are trustworthy. Their managers choose people meticulously and these people understand the consequences if they are to do something bad. They have also been taking extra cautions lately, not just to fulfill Jun’s wishes but also for the safety of the group, which is why Minghao has reason to be paranoid. Additionally, he has reason to think he is not being irrational. His worries are more than valid. This is the love of his life in potential danger. 

They may have solved Jun’s problems months ago but it doesn’t mean Jun has kept his worries at bay. Demons, Jun calls them and says, _”Worries are assured and repressed. But you can never silence demons. Either you become one with them or you slay them.”_ Minghao wishes he disagrees. But the best thing he can do for his boyfriend next to slaying his demons for him is love him. And so he did. He does. 

His feet walk on their own, leading him to Jun’s direction. The clueless elder blurts out an “oomf” as he feels Minghao’s arm wrap around his waist without the normal gentleness. The embrace is urgent and a little bit rough, but Jun couldn’t think about anything else aside from what happened and why he is being like this when they are out in public. 

”Haohao.” Jun internally hits himself for saying his name in a manner of calling him out, but they cannot do this outside. 

”I know we can’t do this,” his words get smushed against Jun’s winter coat but he manages to understand them. “But let me hold you for five seconds.” 

True to his words, Minghao releases him after five seconds. Jun turns around, right hand holding the side of Minghao’s face and the other tugging at his other hand and holding it. “What’s wrong?” 

”Nothing,” Minghao whispers. 

Unfortunately, there is no way he can fool Jun. “Haohao, what is it?” 

Minghao shakes his head, leaning into Jun’s warm palm. “I just want to hold you, love. Is that so bad?” 

Jun is nowhere convinced when Minghao laughs, not when his eyes hold so much sadness. “I don’t want to force it out of you but when it’s bothering you like this, please tell me?” 

His voice sounds borderline pleading which sends guilt to Minghao. “I...I don’t know how to say it, love. Just let me baby you like the baby you are, yeah?” 

Jun looks pained which makes Minghao feel guilty even more. He resumes, “I honestly don’t know what’s going on with me, but I promise it’s not something you have to be scared about. Maybe you’re right, we do need to go on a spa date. You’d like that, love.” 

”Haohao...” Jun’s expressive eyes become glassy and it tightens Minghao’s already heavy heart. 

”Do you trust me?” Minghao asks in a hushed tone. 

In Jun’s mind, what Minghao asked is a ridiculous question. “Of course, Haohao.” 

”Then let me work on my worries first and then I’ll tell you, okay?” Minghao offers gently. “I know this is a lot to ask but please just be by my side because that is all that matters.”

”If you don’t want to tell me then maybe tell the others,” Jun suggests. “Mingyu would listen to anything you say. Jeonghan will also listen and help you. As much as I would like to know, if you don’t want to tell me, I have to respect that. But for your sake, you have to share it with others so it doesn’t feel heavy alone.”

Minghao shakes his head immediately. “I won’t be telling anybody if I hadn’t told you about it first. It will always be you first. Always. You don’t have to worry about others. For you to say that makes me feel so bad. I just worry about us, oky?”

”Us?” Jun echoes, not expecting the information. “Why are you worried about us?”

Jun asks Minghao with so much caution that it frazzles the younger a little bit. “No, no it’s not what you’re thinking. If you’re thinking I’m doubting our relationship then that’s the biggest mistake you have made in your life.”

”Sorry.” Jun looks away, not bearing to show the insecurity shining through his eyes. He isn’t perfect. He never thinks of himself as flawless but in his eyes, his boyfriend is immaculate. And so every time he thinks about how he gets nightmares at times during the night or when he finds himself thoughtless and staring at the mirror, it is Minghao who holds him and wakes him up from his worries and fears. That’s how perfect his boyfriend is. And Jun would be lying if he hasn’t fallen insecure every time he thinks about how Minghao could have an unbothered and unproblematic boyfriend, yet he has chosen him.

”Love, look at me.”

Jun does what he is told.

”I have never been so certain in my life when I decided to love you. For the most part, I didn’t make the choice to love you because it just happened. But I didn’t bother resisting it, because why would I? All of the things we aren’t sure about in this world, our work, our future, our career, you are the only one I am sure about. You’re the only thing that is certain. So don’t think you’re not worthy enough like how you think you aren’t as good as the other members, because the others would kill you if they find out you still think that way after all these years. I thought all you would ever be was an older brother, but I accepted the uncontrollable and inevitable emotion that is love and I have made the choice to continue loving you, to continue staying in love with you.”

Jun’s heart blossoms inside his chest, the weight in his stomach caressed and replaced by a growing warmth originating from his words. “I will never get tired of hearing you say you love me.”

”That’s good,” Minghao comments smugly. “Because I won’t get tired of saying it. Now let’s get something to eat because we have a long day ahead of us.”

As Minghao pulls him to the direction of where everyone else is, Jun takes the time to study his outfit. The younger is wearing a black leather coat, snug denim jeans, and a tucked in white polo shirt whose top three buttons are left undone to expose his beautiful chest. To finish off the look, he is wearing a pair of black oxford shoes with its pointed ends decorated with a gold tip.

Heat grows once again in Jun’s stomach and it is not the loving and gentle kind. It moves inside him the way seductive flames dance with each other, warming his entire body and leaving him _starved_.

”There is something I want to eat,” Jun begins to say.

”What is it?” Minghao cluelessly asks. “Do you want to call delivery for it?”

”I want to eat something else.” Jun’s heart starts to beat because the way he speaks greatly contradicts how nervous he truly is. Jun has recently discovered that loving Minghao has shown certain sides of him he never thought he has.

Curiously, Minghao turns around and stops to look at him with a thoughtful expression. “Don’t you want snacks? Do you need rice? Are you that hungry, love?”

Leave it to this particular side of Jun to desecrate such a wholesome conversation. “Kiss me please,” he whispers in a pleading tone. 

The flowing through Minghao hitches in his throat clearly not expecting the plea whispered to him. They both stop in the middle of the meadow, the tent behind them as everybody else crowd on the other side of the land. Breeze passed by them and the flowers dance with the air, but there is not a beauty that can defeat Jun’s expressive eyes pleading for his lips.

”Ge…” he can only call him out as both of them are aware of how disadvantageous the place is, regardless of its beauty. “You can't do this to me.”

”I’m not teasing, Haohao,” Jun explains. “I’m even saying please.”

”The prince just really wants a kiss, huh?”

”Yes,” Jun confirms. “And what the prince wants, the prince gets.”

”That is true…” Minghao trails off slowly. “But I would like to inform you, my prince, that while I may deliver your desire to your heart’s content, it has to be delayed...given the circumstances we have at hand.”

Electricity flows through their fingertips as all they can do is hold each other’s hand. The tension between them dynamically floats in the air as they stand close to each other as safe as they possibly can.

”The more you delay what I want the more I will grow to be demanding, is that alright with you?” Jun whispers while concentrating on the younger’s lips. How come he only noticed the lip gloss on those lips?

”More than alright, my prince,” Minghao says. He throws a bit of caution into the wind and caresses Jun’s face once again while quickly pulling away. “I will kiss you as much as you need it, worry not.”

He watches the elder’s face grow flushed as if he isn’t pleading for kisses from him. He can only sigh. “You will be the death of me.”

”You love me for it,” Jun grins wickedly.

Minghao rolls his eyes and both of them join the others to help themselves with the prepared snacks and light meals to keep them going throughout the day. The second half of the photoshoot starts with the older members asked to proceed to hair and makeup first while the younger members proceed to fittings. They alternate between hair and makeup and fittings with the older members instructed to go first.

Since it is a solo and group photoshoot, their outfits share a common color palette of lavender and white and gray as the neutral colors. Jeonghan, Jun, Hoshi, and Woozi are wearing different garments of lavender silk material while Seungcheol, Joshua, and Wonwoo are wearing white sheer garments. As they emerge outside their tent and wait at the middle of the photoshoot site, cheers and compliments fill Jun’s ears. It doesn’t take long before Jun realizes the louder compliments are directed at him.

Embarrassingly in the form of pinkish ears and cheeks, Jun stands alongside the other hyungs feeling exposed. It doesn’t come as a shock for the staff and the group to put him as focal point of the choreographies or photoshoots but this outfit, to make him the focal point of this photoshoot, is the most suggestive outfit he has worn yet.

He is wearing a lavender plunge long-sleeved silk shirt, revealing his entire chest and nearly his entire stomach with the ends of the sleeves loosely dangling past his hands. The top is tucked in well-tailored midnight blue sheer cargo pants and his chosen pair of shoes are plain black loafers. This is the first time Jun will be exposing his abs to the entire world. Suddenly, he feels silly on how he commented on Mingyu’s exposed neck during their Hit promotions before.

He refuses to meet anybody’s eyes but all attention is diverted onto him when the director asks the rest of the members to step back to begin the solo photoshoot before the group photoshoot starting with him. Behind the camera and lighting set-up, the members crowd past the photoshoot site while voicing out their surprise and shock.

He only understands why Dana and Somin eagerly asked him if he has been working out lately after they had snacks. The outfit he is wearing is what they’ve been bickering over a while ago.

”Junnie, you look extremely beautiful, I’m sure you know that!” The enthusiastic director suddenly bellows, holding a cup of coffee that seems to be his third for the day. “Of course, I just need you to project. Embrace the femininity! You are beautiful here, do not be afraid to show it! This is your comeback! Strike great poses for me. Act like you are a goddess...or a god...or whatever it is you want to be, of the meadow. Like a fairy! That’s it, a modern fairy of some sorts, walking around your own paradise. You, ready?”

“A prince.” The words come out of his mouth before he thinks i through.

The director’s eyes widen in surprise before the look of being impressed is painted all throughout his face. “Oh, you wanna be a prince? A modern prince? Well, a prince you are then! Here, your highness! The camera is ready whenever you are, your majesty!”

Shouts of disbelief erupt from the members who look equally amazed and entertained at his self-proclaimed title.

”Prince Moon Junhui!” Seungkwan yells, veins popping out his neck as some of the staff stop him from entering the photoshoot area due to his excitement. 

”Jun-ah, you’re a prince now?” Hoshi, of course, cannot be stopped by the staff. He runs to Jun and gives him a hug, laughter causing his chest to rumble. “Wah! You do look like a prince, so handsome!”

”Look at those abs, they look amazing!” Dokyeom cries out, actually fake-crying beside Woozi who is already on the ground laughing. “You’ve been working out haven’t you?”

”Coups hyung, I think Jun hyung beat you to working out! Look at those abs!” Dino’s eyes are wide like saucers as he exaggeratedly points at Jun while the leader laughs at the sight.

”You’re gonna reveal your abs to the world for the first time!” Vernon exclaims beside Joshua as they watch the sight like they’re watching some American sitcom.

”Jun-ah, those abs are sexyyyyyyy!” Joshua suddenly says, hands cupping the side of his mouth just to make his voice loud beyond the cries and cheers of Dokyeom, Mingyu, and Seungkwan.

Hoshi is still hugging him, now from behind, when Jun’s eyes land on Minghao who is silently smiling at the sight beside Jeonghan. Of course, the devil-angel is grinning wickedly as he notices the eye contact building heat and tension.

Jun suddenly feels small under Minghao’s glare, only because embarrassment surges him fast like waves. But as he tells himself to not break their eye contact, the shyness in him is silenced by a much more seductive surge of confidence. Something in him bursts, a desire to make Minghao want him. As the younger’s eyes trail down his exposed stomach, Jun decides then and there to prove Minghao’s claim to be true.

If his boyfriend thinks he is a tease, he will definitely be one.

The first batch of his photoshoot ends with poses of him only standing up. The noise and excitement has died down by now, with the rest of the members scattered everywhere else apart from the ones who are told to be on standby. Linda rushes to his direction, armed with a foundation compact powder, makeup brush, and other makeup products.

Jun lets him do whatever that needs to be done on his face as he silently observes the director and photographer conversing privately. Suddenly, the photographer said something that causes the director’s eyes to nearly pop out of its sockets. He jumps out of his chair, nearly knocking off the fourth cup of coffee being handed to him from behind.

”Jun!” The director calls out.

”Yes, sir,” Jun politely responds. “What is it?”

”The photographer just had a brilliant idea!”

The photographer walks up to him, a smile on his gentle face. “I just thought of an idea since you look so good with the outfit and the scenery. I want you to lie on the grass. What do you think?”

The order is definitely not what he is expecting but Jun doesn’t find it weird. After all, he has done so many photoshoots sitting on chairs in weird and uncomfortable positions. To lie on the grass is not a big deal, but his exposed upper body does make the activity challenging and not very comfortable. Just thinking about lying on the grass with the sunshine hitting his chest makes him blush.

”I think it would turn out great because of you,” Jun politely answers with a laugh. “I will do my best!”

Linda proceeds on applying highlighter on his cheekbones. “You’re gonna look so good they will get crazy!”

”Who will get crazy, noona?”

Linda blinks a few times before smiling a lot more. “Your fans, who else? This is why you need more highlighter on the face, just to make sure you’re glowing when you lay down under the sun! Then, we need to make your chest shine more as well with-”

”Linda! Your phone is ringing!” Somin suddenly calls out from behind. Without waiting for Linda to say anything, she takes all the makeup from her with the help of Dana. “We’ll do this for you, go ahead! It’s been ringing a few times so it might be important.”

With a thankful nod, Linda leaves the three of them. Jun can’t help but noticed the hardened expression on Somin’s face. “Something wrong, noona?”

Somin doesn’t say anything and simply starts spraying a mist on Jun’s chest that is supposed to act as a lotion packed with glitter to make your body shine and smooth. Dana speaks on her behalf instead. “Unnie doesn’t like Linda unnie very much.”

Jun’s head perks with interest. “Hm? Why is that, noona?”

Somin bites her lip but gives in after a few seconds. “She just makes me feel...uncomfortable. I really feel uneasy around her, that’s all.” 

”Has she not been working hard, noona?” Jun tries to guess. “She seems to really like her job.”

”She does!” Somin agrees with a little bit of agitation in her voice. “She’s really eager to do her job...too eager in fact. Especially when it comes to putting makeup on you. I’ve never seen her so happy putting makeup on the others before!”

”Maybe Jun is her favorite member, unnie,” Dana suggests kindly. “Well, she is always really excited and jumpy whenever we need to put makeup on you but it is true, I swear she almost fainted when we deliberated who was supposed to put makeup on who. But admiration for celebrities will wear off eventually in this job. It’s her first time seeing your face up close, Jun, not to mention touching it too. I think she’ll be better in your book in the future, unnie. Give it some time.”

It is Jun's turn to feel uneasy when Dana said something about seeing his face up close and touching it. Flashbacks of unwanted memories come to the forefront of his mind that it makes his chest tighten. He clears his throat, getting a hold of himself before flashing a polite smile at the makeup artist. “I agree, Dana noona. She needs time for the excitement to wear off, and she’ll be less eager and more tired, trust me.”

The photoshoot starts with Jun laying down on the grassfield, the setting sun shining down on him as the flowers and tall grasses behind dance gracefully with the wind. His exposed chest is cooled down by the breeze as he tries to become comfortable with this position. He eventually gets the hang of it, his body loosening up and simply trying to do whatever post he thinks will look good.

”Junnie, you look so good!” Jeonghan coos, looking as equally as beautiful as Jun, if not more (Jun thinks), in his lavender silk trench coat, black trousers and plain black shoes.

Jun doesn’t respond but continues on with the photoshoot as he hears the continuous snaps of the camera. When it stops, he opens his eyes and sees Minghao beside Jun. He can’t take his eyes off the younger, frozen on the sight of his boyfriend wearing a creme long-sleeve sheer top, extremely see-through that it can be seen he has no undershirt on under it. The loose white cardigan covers his nipples but complements the sheer top with its black lining around the edge and gold links chained to the pockets and dangling over his cufflinks. 

Jun has always admired Minghao’s good looks. But seeing this man in front of him in a different light, a much more romantic perspective, amplifies how beautiful he looks in his eyes. The man watching him doesn’t have to say anything for the desire swirling around his eyes, softened with a gentle smile on his face once again states how lucky Jun is. This man loves him. And Jun will make sure to give him a sight worth looking at.

He props himself up with his elbows, parts his legs slightly with the other bent and the other completely laid down, and looks straight into the camera. He feels the sun shine down on him and he basks in the intensity, looking straight into the camera lens.

”Handsome! Beautiful!” The director seems to be throwing out random words he can think of but the astonishment is genuine on his face. “You do look like a modern prince, Jun! No throne needed!”

  
  


What the people don’t know is that he has a throne.

The throne is Minghao’s lap. Jun moans against Minghao’s mouth as their tongues dance in a rushed waltz. Both of them are eager and impatient. Minghao’s hands are encircled around Jun’s waist and ass to keep him close and steady. Jun, the needy person he has become, grinds his swelling bulge against Minghao’s, reveling in the groans coming from him.

As their lip lock intensifies, Jun’s fingers crawl to the back of Minghao’s head. He gets a hold of his long, thick hair, fisting his hair and bringing him closer to him as if their locked lips aren’t enough. They continue the French kiss for so long that when they both pull away, they pant at each other’s mouth.

”My prince, my love,” Minghao whispers against his mouth.

Jun nods obediently. “Yours, only yours.” He steals a kiss once again, unable to help himself despite himself also needing time to breathe air.

Minghao can tell that by the elder’s restlessness that he needs more even though he is chasing for air, his chest heaving and entire body warm under his touch. He cups Jun’s face, thumb touching Jun’s lower lip and tracing its swelling pinkness.

”You looked so beautiful today,” Minghao starts, eyes scanning Jun’s contented expression. “They were teasing me so quietly. Some of them even tried making me jealous, and I gotta say, they achieved that in the end.”

”You’re jealous of them?” Jun inquires. He received long hugs earlier, but they’ve always done that. Their relationship is so intact that they know it’s completely weird to be jealous over the touches from their other members.

”I’ve been wanting to kiss you ever since I saw you in those leather pants. And then you just had to lay on the grass wearing silk the way you would lay on this bed. And then they get to kiss you and hug you, but I couldn’t.”

”What do you mean you couldn’t?” Jun asks. “Being touchy is so common with all of us no one would care. I also...also waited for you to hug me and hold me, but you didn’t.”

”That’s because I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to pull away if I touched you,” Minghao answers. “I don’t like being jealous. I don’t get jealous, but I just wanted to keep you to myself earlier. Just wanted to have you all for me. But at the same time, I wanted to show you off. Wanted to show them how beautiful my prince is.”

”Your prince did well, didn’t he?” Jun rubs his cheek against Minghao’s palm with closed eyes, a little smile on his face.

”He did.” Minghao hums, thumb pressing down on Jun’s lower lip. Jun understands and nips at the finger. He slowly sticks his tongue out and pokes the thumb with it, eyes opening to look into Minghao’s brown orbs. “Which is why I gave him lots of kisses just now.”

”They’re not enough, though,” Jun whispers.

Minghao cocks his head to the side. “Oh? Are you becoming a spoiled brat?”

Jun rests his arms around Minghao’s neck and pulls him close, their lips brushing against each other. “Maybe if you don’t tempt me so much I won’t be a spoiled brat. You’re being unfair and you know it. You want this as much as I do. Maybe even more.”

Without a warning, Jun makes one big move with his hips and presses down hard. Harder than he ever done with his hips. Their already swelling bulges enlarge even more. Minghao’s satin pajamas do almost nothing to protect the growing size between his legs. Jun, the tempter he is, has ditched the pajamas with the boxers when they prepared for bed earlier. At this point, he shouldn’t have bothered wearing a garment with how thin it is.

”Oh, fuck,” Minghao groans as his hand grips Jun’s side. They travel down his outer thighs, grip tightening around them. “Fuck, ge.”

”Haohao, please,” Jun pleads, voice small and almost crying.

”I’ve made a plan for this, love, you can’t just - fuck!” Minghao bites his lip hard, not expecting the sudden fast and consecutive rocking of hips on his lap and against his cock. “Shit, shit, love. What are you doing?”

”Just say the word,” Jun pants, shamelessly rocking against Minghao cock while feeling his own increase in size with the stimulation. “And I’ll stop. Say the word and I’ll stop, Haohao.”

”I don’t want you to,” Minghao manages to say. “I want to, I really want to, my love. You can do this, though. We can do this much, my prince.”

”Yeah?” Jun’s doe eyes look at him with an overflowing need that Minghao knows he can’t deny this any longer. “You’ll let me do this?”

”Yes, I will. Rock those hips, love. Move those hips for me,” Minghao orders while his hand involuntarily sends a smack on his right ass cheek.

The unexpected sting that struck his ass sends electricity coursing through his body. Jun cries out, his back arching out while his hips stuttering in motion. Pain and pleasure becomes an addicting mix, causing him to ask for more. His hips move consistently, rubbing their clothed cocks against each other. As Minghao stares at Jun pleasured face, he can’t help the desire coursing through his body.

He starts kissing the side of Jun’s neck, wanting to also contribute with the pleasure they are both feeling. Jun’s moans start to become louder as his pace quickens. He bites Jun’s outside ear and grits, “You need to keep quiet, my love.”

”I-I, oh God, Hao,” Jun stammers with his hips rocking to get them both where they need to.

Minghao crashes his lips against Jun’s and swallows the moans, his hips also rocking upwards to meet the elders' thrusts. They start biting at each other’s lip, their thrusts growing angrier and more desperate. Grace and poise forgotten, both of them stimulate each other's cocks with their hips rocking in the directions needed to reach the climax they need.

”I’m...I-I’m almost there, Hao,” Jun whimpers, his eyes on both of their covered cocks rocking at each other.

”Me too, me too. Let go, love, come for me,” Minghao answers in a hushed tone. “Come for me, my prince.”

Like lightning that strikes the sky, the climax they so desperately chased strikes down on them. Minghao kisses Jun just in time before the elder cries out his pleasure. He swallows down his whimpers and wails, both of their hips slowing down to ride out the climax and stretch it longer.

They settle down with exhaustion dawning upon them. However, their gratified state flows through their veins stronger as they revel in the pleasure. Minghao looks down at the wet clothing. Jun does the same and slowly stands up with a sigh. Minghao quickly notices how tired he is and gently pushes Jun down the bed.

He groans at the beautiful sight of Jun sprawled on the bed, wearing Minghao’s baggy t-shirt and soaked boxers. “You look so sexy, fuck, love,” Minghao whispers and straddles Jun to hover above him and kiss him softly. “You need some rest, my prince, but we need to clean up first. Come on, you need to get cleaned.”

They weakly get up to clean up their well-pleasured cocks and get changed. Minghao wordlessly pulls him to the bed when they enter the room, both of them facing each other.

”Be patient, please, love?” Minghao whispers his plea. “I don’t care what other people say or what year or century it is, I want this to be special. You deserve that much.”

Jun pliantly nods. “Yes, I know. I’m sorry if I’m coming off as forceful.”

Minghao smiles comfortingly and pecks his forehead. “You did not force me, ge. Not at all. I wanted that to happen. I enjoyed every second, my prince. Thank you for that. You’re not being forceful. You’re just being my spoiled and bratty prince.”

Jun smiles sleepily at him, his eyelids drooping and struggling to stay open. “I love you, Haohao.”

With a sigh, Minghao pulls him close to his body. “I love you too, my prince. More than you ever know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THAT JUST HAPPENED. Finally for Jun and Minghao! Finally! We've all been wondering when they gonna do something about their desires. 
> 
> So, I've been reaaaallly desperate to upload this chapter but my laptop has been acting up lately, scrolling down by itself and the keyboard refusing to cooperate with me. It's almost 2 am as I am writing this and I gotta say, I am so happy I finally uploaded this chapter for you guys to read. 
> 
> QUESTION: Will you read a svt member x original female character fanfic? Because I assure you, I will be pulling all the stops. ALL THE STOPS for this pairing. 
> 
> Aside from that, HOPE YOU HAD A HAPPY READING! Comment down below what thoughts were running through your head while reading everything going on! I love you all and please stay safe.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The only way is up for SEVENTEEN during comebacks. But a newcomer may change the course. Downhill it goes...downhill it goes...

The idol life can be unpredictable at times. 

There are days when their schedule starts at 3 in the afternoon, or sometimes, like today, 3 in the morning. Jun particularly doesn’t like waking up at midnights for work because it feels colder but thank goodness there is someone by his side who can warm him even in their sleep. Jun groggily opens his eyes at the harsh sound of the alarm showing him it is 1:30 am, which means he has at least an hour to grab a bite and get ready. 

But since Minghao looks so peaceful asleep, he can’t help but find the idea of sleeping in for ten more minutes inviting. And so he closes his eyes in between half asleep and awake for ten minutes with his head laying on Minghao’s chest and rubbing his stomach to slowly coax him to wake up. 

Soon enough, he hears a deep release of air from Minghao’s chest followed by a gentle groan. Jun pulls away from his chest to look up at the younger. 

”We need to get up,” Jun tells him with a still sleepy smile. 

”Greet me first,” Minghao gruffly replies. 

Eyes twinkling, Jun giggles and kisses him, then kisses him again, and eventually pulls away. “There, a good morning kiss.” 

”What to de have to do again?” Minghao asks, eyes still closed while cradling Jun in his arms, his hand dragging itself across Jun’s back up and down underneath his t-shirt 

”Conceptualizing. Then we will be meeting potential choreographers that Hoshi will work with. A meeting with the company after that, also heard that CEO Han will also join the meeting and will be looking around, if what I heard was right, since it’s about our album. And then after that we have to continue conceptualizing the album which you know, could take hours,” Jun murmurs while mindlessly drawing invisible scribbles on Minghao’s bare chest.

They’ve been more sexual at nights ever since Jun seduced him by grinding against his hips, hence Minghao waking up shirtless and him waking up in Minghao’s oversized shirts and his own boxers most nights. None of them have any complaints, of course. Nights of rekindling flames and declaring love for each other over and over each other has made them love each other more, if that is possible, all the while finishing long days with the two of them content and sated. 

”Surely Woozi ge already have some songs prepared,” Minghao guesses. “He’s, like, five months advance with making songs for the next album.” 

”If you’re right then let’s get ready for Hoshi to start making choreos. Let’s just pray he doesn’t go too crazy,” Minghao tells him.

Jun can’t help but laugh. “Are you kidding? We’re talking about Hoshi. The most Gemini of all Geminis.” He sits up, stretches his arms and arches his back while yawning. “Okay, we need to get up and get ready. I will not be rushing my shower because somebody else needs to use to the bathroom, unlike you guys, I’m going first.” 

He throws his legs to the cold ground, only to be pulled back to Minghao’s unclothed chest. “Why can’t we sleep in,” Minghao grumbles. 

”Because that’s not part of an idol’s job description,” Jun retorts with a giggle, his neck tickled by Minghao’s soft blows while fighting his way out of his tight hold. “Take me out on that plan you’ve been keeping from me and then we can sleep in.” 

Minghao hums lovingly against his neck, kissing it and carefully nipping at the skin. “My impatient prince. It won’t be a surprise if I tell you ab–“

”Just a clue! Or like a sneak peek!” Jun is now grumbling between his legs, snuggled in his chest and looking back at him with a pout. “It’s not like I’ll try to find out what it is, I love surprises!” 

Minghao can’t help but kiss his forehead, finding his boyfriend’s facial expression unbearably adorable. “Nope. You’re not getting any clue or sneak peek from me. I thought you want to have a peaceful shower without anyone rushing you? You should go now because Shua ge would be waking up any minute.” 

With final roll of eyes, Jun leaves the room with childish stomps that he doesn’t even know he is doing. Minghao gets up from the bed, happy that as early as it is, Jun has managed to make the start of an early schedule during a cold day warm and cozy. 

Everybody punctually arrives at the PLEDIS building with a few members actually looking like humans while the rest still swollen and sleepy. They rush to the practice room with the most of them questioning who decided to start a schedule at three am. Seungkwan sits on the floor, followed by Vernon who serves against his leaning post with the vocalist’s head on his shoulder. With a yawn, Seungkwan looks up at the managers groggily, “Hyung, I’m begging you please give me a coffee. The strongest Americano you can get.” 

Dino drops down beside Seungkwan and throws himself on Seungkwan’s lap, closing his eyes with a childish whine. “We’re probably the only group who conceptualizes their album at midnight. Others will conceptualize their albums on meeting room and fancy cafeterias, and look at us, here at three AM.” 

”Says the person who stays until midnight for his solo dance videos,” Mingyu airs dryly, leaning against the mirror wall with an insulated mug of coffee in hand. 

”You look ridiculous,” Seungkwan bites as he looks up at the tall member towering over him. 

”Why are you wearing that?” Dino says, looking completely normal in a plain white shirt and padded jacket. 

”What’s wrong with my outfit?” Mingyu sulks, looking at the bright orange loose long-sleeved button up printed all over with black paint streaks he is wearing, topped off with plain black sweatpants and his running shoes. 

”Don’t go outside today,” Seungkwan advises seriously. “The drivers might think there’s a walking traffic cone.” 

Seungkwan struts off to the arriving manager whose hands are bagged with coffees before Mingyu gets the chance to hit him with the empty insulated mug. Seungcheol stands at the middle of their circle and claps his hands like the encouraging and persevering leader he is. “Alright, I’m sure you guys already have bunch of ideas for the next album so drink all the coffee you need and let’s get started. It’s gonna be a long day today, kids, nobody will be having a diet today and on the following days in front of me, is that clear?” 

The younger members drag out their answers while the elder brothers proceed to pass down the cups of coffee and breakfast take-outs the managers bought for them. They all sit down in a circle, eating American breakfasts that makes Joshua smile with every bite. 

”Wah...this is so greasy,” Hoshi stares at the pancake topped with three stripes of bacon with a mashed potato on the side. “Thank you for the food!” 

”I know this is not recommendable but…” Mingyu couldn’t help but moan at the taste of pancakes with bacon drizzled with syrup. 

”Who said it isn’t recommendable, just eat, hyung. ‘Sides, we don’t always this unhealthy for breakfast anyway,” Vernon tells him before taking a sip of his iced vanilla latte. 

They start brainstorming and throwing ideas for the album as they finish their breakfast, reaching 6 am with the next album and choreography almost completely conceptualized. What is left is their meeting with the company staff and the CEO before they finalize the comeback and album as a group and then with the company. 

”You in a good mood today,” Minghao observes with a smile as he looks at Jun vibrating happily while sipping his sweet potato latte. 

”I don’t know, this sweet potato latte is extra good today. Maybe it’s the mug!” Jun exclaims, gently swinging the Doraemon mug in front of his face with a bright smile. “I bought this from the online store that sells cute mugs and plates, what do you like, Haohao? Do you want a Doraemon mug? Or do you like something else?” 

”Any mug is good,” Minghao responds to him with a chuckle, ruffling his soft hair. 

”I want a mug too.” Joshua joins the two of them, wearing a fake pitiful expression on his face. 

Jun, the innocent soul he is, looks at him comfortingly. “Really? Okay, what kind of mug do you want? Do you even like Doraemon? Ooh, ooh! They have a Mickey Mouse mug, hyung! Do you want that? Or how ‘bout a Buzz Lightyear mug?” 

”I’m just kidding, Junnie, I was kidding.” Joshua pinches his cheek, receiving a grimace from Jun who endures the pinch anyway. “Why are you bringing an actual mug, anyway? Don’t you think it’s better to use a travel mug? It’s not like we’re working at an office, Junnie.” 

”It’s cute and it makes the drink more delicious. Travel mugs lack the excitement. And I don’t think the online store I found sells Doraemon travel mugs. But it does sell Coco travel mugs! I’m planning to order one, too!” Jun tells him excitedly, as if travel mugs are made of gold and the sweet potato latte he is drinking was made by the gods. 

Joshua catches Minghao looking at Jun with a foolish smile, looking entranced by Jun talking about cartoon mugs and hot beverages. He can’t help but smile, happiness emanating from him as he watches Minghao watching boyfriend rant and ramble. A sliver of envy blooms in his chest, longing for the same love they both have. But he smiles brightly, greatly amused how Minghao doesn’t know how much of a fool he is for Jun. 

Clock strikes eight am which means it’s their time for the meeting with the company staff and the CEO. Seungcheol takes the lead, all of them walking through the hallways to ride the elevator. Since there are thirteen of them, along with two of their senior managers and several assistants, it would require them three elevators to get to the fourth floor where the executive meeting room is. 

Jun is calmly walking beside Wonwoo and Mingyu who are both talking to each other about a collaborative project they have on photography. He then feels the unfamiliar lightweight of his pocket, realizing he doesn’t have his phone with him. _Shoot,_ Jun thinks. The ideas about the comeback title track that he had were on his phone along with Jeonghan’s who was laying on his lap half the time they were talking.

”Oh, I forgot my phone in the practice room, I was charging it. You guys go ahead, I’ll be quick,” Jun tells the two. 

”Are you sure, hyung?” Mingyu asks. “We can go with you.” 

Jun shakes his head. “No, it’s okay. I’ll be with you guys in no time.” He doesn’t wait for their reply and parts ways from them. He hurriedly makes a left to the quiet hallway that leads to the practice room located at the very end of the hall. He abruptly stops when he bumps into a woman. 

”Oh, I’m so so – Linda noona!” Jun bows politely. “I’m so sorry, I’m in a hurry to get my phone in a practice room. What are you doing here?” 

Jun looks at the hallway behind Linda, observing that there is nothing at the hallway aside from a door to the practice room, the door for an exit across the practice room, and nothing else. He looks at her inquisitively, curiosity written all over his face. 

”Oh! I was just finding my way. Noona has never been good with directions so I got lost for a while, sorry, I think it’s the age catching up on me,” Linda explains, slapping his shoulder with laughter. “Can you tell me where the other practice room is? I’m assigned to NU’EST for their photoshoot today.” 

”I saw Ren come in this morning and head to the practice room near the new kitchen they built. They’re probably still there,” Jun informs her kindly despite feeling slightly uncomfortable with the unexpected slap on his shoulder together with Linda’s laughter. 

”Thanks, Jun. I’ll see you around.” Linda walks away with a grateful smile after leaving a pat on his shoulder. 

As soon as she leaves, Jun releases a breath he doesn’t realize he has been holding. He turns to look at Linda’s back, finding her touches and smiles uncomfortable. He turns his head back to the hallway face-front, staring at the two closed doors in the silent hallway. His heart constricts at the familiar feeling of prickling anxiety, stemming from discomfort and doubt. He shakes his head repeatedly, feet rushing inside the practice room to be once again met by silence. 

The silence slowly becomes deafening with the absence of noise ringing in his ears. He leans against the door, hands splayed by the door as he wills to ground himself. He does the breathing pattern three times with sweat forming on his forehead. The heat of the room makes his palms sweat more, but he continues pushing them against the door as he leans against it. He looks for things he can identify in the room. Speaker. Chairs. Curtains. Cellphone. 

His cellphone. His eyes land on the charging device, trying to calm himself down to prevent him from going through a full-blown panic attack. For safety measure, he does his breathing pattern twice before heading to where his phone is charging. His slightly shaky hands unplug the phone, finger instinctively unlocking it. 

The phone lights up and presents his beloved lockscreen, a picture of Minghao by the balcony and drawing something on a notebook that he is blocking from Jun with his hand. He is wearing a loose plain white button up, the three buttons at the top undone since they have only woken up during the time the picture was taken. Until now, Jun has no idea what the drawing is since there are almost no drawings Minghao that refuses to show him, but he didn’t mind that day, simply finding the younger cute and hot at the same time. 

__

_”I can’t believe you’re not showing me this drawing,” Jun protests with a slight whine, staring at his attractive boyfriend. How he looks effortlessly dashing in a plain white top just after waking up, Jun doesn’t know._

_Minghao doesn’t say anything, simply chuckling and continuing the activity at hand. Jun is left smiling at the sight, not really caring if he see the drawing. If he doesn’t want to show him, he respects that. He pulls out his cellphone from his bathrobe pocket and takes a picture, his Haohao looking angelic while drawing._

_Jun walks up to him and hugs him from behind, dropping his face on his left shoulder with eyes closed. “I’m hungry. Don’t you wanna eat anything?”_

_”Just for a while…” Minghao trails off. “Kay, done.”_

_Minghao turns around and hugs Jun, bringing the elder’s face down to his shoulder. Since their height difference isn’t very large, Jun is crouching a little bit to snuggle his head by his neck and shoulder but he doesn’t mind. He wiggles his body a few times, giddy from their current position. “Haohao,” he chirps._

_”Yes?”_

_”Love you!” Jun says cheerfully, receiving a laugh from him._

  
  


”Hyung.” A hand touches his shoulder, causing him to nearly throw his phone as he turns around to see the uninvited guest. 

Dino stands in front of Jun, head tilted to the side in curiosity as he blinks his eyes at him innocently. His eyes quickly turn apologetic when he realizes he surprised Jun at a bad time. “Hyung, did I scare you? I’m so sorry.” 

The younger steps back, hands immediately by his side to let Jun assess the situation. Jun doesn’t take long before he lets out a deep breath, hand clutching his chest. “Lee Chan! A greeting could have been nice!” 

”I did! I called your name when I entered the room!” Dino explains. “You were awfully quiet so I couldn’t help but touch you to get your attention.” 

Jun lets out a laugh, endeared by the younger’s apologetic eyes as he explains himself with guilt. “I’m sorry, hyung didn’t hear you. I was just…staring at my phone. Got lost in my head. Why are you here?” He ruffles Dino’s hair, pulling the younger closer by the back of his head to brush his lips against his forehead as a silent way of thanking him and also apologizing. 

A drastic shift happens inside Dino’s expressive eyes, his face, like an open book, easily showing his emotion. “I-I left my notebook and came back to get it because my notes for the dance were there and I didn’t want to forget it. I-I didn’t know you were here too.” 

Jun watches the youngest of the group chew on his lower lip, momentarily looking at the floor and then looking back at him again. Jun immediately knows this isn’t a good sign. “I had to get my phone. Yoon Jeonghan and I had both of our ideas here on my notes so I came back for it. Is there something wrong?” 

Dino slowly shakes his head, as if he is also contemplating the accuracy behind his answer. “Nothing, hyung…nothing.” 

Jun raises an eyebrow challengingly. “Lee Dino, you don’t lie to me. You lie to Seungkwan a lot, but you never lie to me.” 

”Hyung!” Dino exclaims in exasperation. “This is manipulation! You can’t guilt-trip me!” 

Jun sighs with a smile, ruffling his hair rougher than earlier to tease him. “Well, what can we do? Hiding things from people, even to those who matter a lot to you, is a sign of growing up. Just don’t make it a habit, okay? Now, let’s go. We need to get there before CEO Han does.” 

He walks ahead of Dino who whines from behind, “Hyung! You can’t make me more guilty! That’s not fair!” 

Jun smiles, turning around to face the child. “Guiltier, Channie, it’s guiltier. Besides, I’m not saying that to make you feel guilty. I’m being serious here. It’s true, when we grow up, we protect ourselves and make things called secrets. It’s okay, you don’t have to say everything about us. But if you’re going to be extremely obvious that something is bothering you, might us well tell us, Dino-yah. Don’t wait for Seungkwan, Jeonghan hyung, and Coups hyung to notice you. Worse, don’t wait for Hoshi to see you like this. You know he hates it when you feel something aside from happiness. And even if what you’re feeling isn’t noticeable, you should always know that it’s really helpful to tell others. Makes you feel better.” 

Jun winks at him and once again walks ahead of him to leave him something to think about. Out of the blue, arms encircle his waist with a face buried in his back. “Hm?” Jun’s body goes rigid at the slightest, knowing well that Dino doesn’t hug like this out of nowhere. “Dino? What’s wrong?” 

When he doesn’t get an answer, he tries to pry once again. “You have a problem, don’t you? You can always tell hyung. You don’t want anybody to find out? I won’t tell anyone then.” 

Jun understands all too well that the others can be overwhelming. Overbearing, to be specific, especially when it comes to Dino. The youngest member has gotten better on dealing with his hardships as the youngest of SEVENTEEN. He is at the time of his life where he fixes his hardships on his own, especially when he knows he can fix it alone. His growing independence has been evident to everybody, seeing him come and go from practice rooms by himself whenever he feels like forming a choreography. 

As much as everybody is proud of him, certain members voiced out their concern that he might be keeping to himself more than he should. Dino laughed it off then, telling them the reason why he hasn’t been whining and complaining about something is because he has nothing to whine and complain about. For Dino to suddenly hug somebody, wordlessly and with no warning, is alarming even to Jun as one of the level-headed thinkers of the group when it comes to struggles. 

”Chan, you don’t wanna be like me. You don’t wanna hide all those emotions to yourself. As much as you’ve grown independently, you have members for a reason. You can tell us anything.” 

Jun waits for his cashmere sweater to feel wet, but he doesn’t feel anything, aside from the crevices of Dino’s face buried in his back. He covers Dino’s hands with his own, rubbing it to get rid of its coldness. They both stand still, Jun patiently hoping Dino says something. He is well aware of the time running, also aware of the slight reprimand they might receive if they get to the meeting room and the has CEO has arrived. But he doesn’t care. Not when their younger isn’t being his chirpy passionate self.

At last, Dino pulls away and leads Jun by the waist to turn him around to face him. He looks straight into Jun’s eyes. “Hyung. Have you been feeling uncomfortable lately?” 

Jun’s eyes enlarge slightly at the question. “Me? No. I mean, you already know I’ve been controlling my panic attacks well lately. I can barely feel my concussion. And well…apart from the weird scare I felt ago, your hyung is totally fine. Why did you ask?” 

He observes Dino looking down at the floor, his hands pulling away from his waist to leave them by his sides. The younger’s stare shifts from the floor to him, as if he is assessing whether he is still observing him. “Is something bothering you lightly? Is that why you’re asking me, because you need hyung’s opinion?” 

”It’s just...somebody has been close lately. Like, overwhelming close. And I just…” Dino’s last words fall into a whisper, almost a hush that Jun needed to strain his hears to catch his words. 

If Carats would conduct a survey, Jun wouldn’t be ranked the smartest. But he isn’t stupid. Giggles and embarrassing moments aside, he uses logic and reason for almost everything. 

”It’s a staff, isn’t it?” The words escape Jun’s mouth before he contemplates on their integrity. “Someone class to us has been really close to us, isn’t? It could only be a staff. And there is only one staff who we have worked for the shortest time.” 

Dino’s eyes widen like he heard a Divine revelation. “H-How did you know?” 

Jun closes his eyes, fear adding weight onto his already heavy heart. “I need you to talk quietly before we have this conversation. First, I want you to tell me what has Linda done, or what is she doing to you.” 

The irritation comes first, like a fly you can’t shake off. And then that fly transforms into a leech and suddenly it’s attached onto your skin. The leech replaces the irritation with anger as Jun looks at Dino who feels uncomfortable around Linda. His instincts have always felt it, how could he be stu-

”Not to me. To you.” 

”What?” 

Dino swallows the gulp down his throat as the practice room seems to increase in size in his eyes. His back feels the shivers, but his skin begs for warmth. Just for something to cover it and protect him. But he can’t cower in fear now, not when he needs to relay an important message to his older brother. He notices Jun’s eyes go darker, like anger brewing into fury. But it doesn’t scare him, because the growing anger is warped in fragility. 

”It was quite obvious Linda was closer to you than she was to us. We always try to talk to her, but she isn’t as chatty as she is when it’s you who talks to her. I don’t know if the others noticed, but I did. At first, I thought she was a fan and you were her bias. I didn’t mind. But one time, during your hiatus, and she was doing my makeup, she suddenly started a conversation about how she wishes you well. I honestly didn’t think much that conversation, even when she asked what’s your favorite food or color. Again, I thought you were her bias. But then…”

Jun waits for Dino to continue talking as the younger nervous licks his lips for a pause. As shocked as he is, Jun’s guts tell him that Dino’s next words are simply confirmation of what he already knows. 

”I heard her talking to somebody on my way here. Telling to somebody on the phone that she almost got caught. I heard something about her already sending it to their group chat and the pictures are beautiful and p-perfect shots. I thought it was weird, but it was none of my business. She saw me, though, and when she did, you’d think she was caught doing a crime. She looked so shocked. I thought she was just really jumpy. I don’t want to make assumptions, but all my evidences just seem to add up with each other. And then when I got here… everything just fell into place.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know, it's been so long since I updated! Exams are still ongoing with one last exam on Saturday, so wish me luck. As for this update, well, many of you have already felt something wrong with Linda. Let's find out what her character has in store for us in the future!

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first story here in ao3 and I am so nervous. However, I realized it would be a waste of time to not share with you all what I have come up with when my imagination runs wild. Please look forward to this, you won't regret it!


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